Physical Abuse by Wife

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I don’t want to get the police involved, but I have taken pictures and documented what happened.

Last night I apologized for my language, hoping to hear an apology for the violence…nothing. When I told her I thought we should separate for a time, she asked why, and if I was afraid for my safety. I told her I was not afraid for my safety but thought that our situation has become unstable and toxic, and that I’m almost as concerned about her lack of remorse as I am about the violence itself.

We agreed I will talk to the trusted priest we’ve been seeing for counselling. I doubt he will sanction my leaving, even for just a few months. But at least he will be an independent person who will know about what’s going on.

Thanks again, all, this has been gut-wrenching. So conflicted about what to do.
 
Corhaesito said:
I don’t want to get the police involved, but I have taken pictures and documented what happened.

Last night I apologized for my language, hoping to hear an apology for the violence…nothing. When I told her I thought we should separate for a time, she asked why, and if I was afraid for my safety. I told her I was not afraid for my safety but thought that our situation has become unstable and toxic, and that I’m almost as concerned about her lack of remorse as I am about the violence itself.

We agreed I will talk to the trusted priest we’ve been seeing for counselling. I doubt he will sanction my leaving, even for just a few months. But at least he will be an independent person who will know about what’s going on.

Thanks again, all, this has been gut-wrenching. So conflicted about what to do.
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Continued prayers for your situation…
Glad to hear you had a discussion with your wife about the unstable, toxic situation and will be talking to the priest. Good plan.
Mary.
 
Corhaesito said:
I don’t want to get the police involved, but I have taken pictures and documented what happened.

Last night I apologized for my language, hoping to hear an apology for the violence…nothing. When I told her I thought we should separate for a time, she asked why, and if I was afraid for my safety. I told her I was not afraid for my safety but thought that our situation has become unstable and toxic, and that I’m almost as concerned about her lack of remorse as I am about the violence itself.

We agreed I will talk to the trusted priest we’ve been seeing for counselling. I doubt he will sanction my leaving, even for just a few months. But at least he will be an independent person who will know about what’s going on.

Thanks again, all, this has been gut-wrenching. So conflicted about what to do.
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It sounds to me like she doesn’t have any remorse for what she did. This is a concern in itself. What strikes me the most is that she also doesn’t seem to take the situation seriously.

I honestly think you’re better off away from her for a while.

She seems to have no respect for you based on her actions. Maybe she thinks you are calling her bluff and that you won’t really leave?
 
Yes, it’s as if she thinks this is just another verbal altercation, and why can’t we just go back to working on reconciling?

I told her I felt angry and humiliated, and that she needs to get help for this. She said it was good I was communicating these things, but would not commit to doing anything or even to acknowledging a problem.

She has been struggling with change of life, really mourning the loss of her fertility. I’m still in shock, though, I just don’t know what to make of it.
 
Corhaesito said:
Yes, it’s as if she thinks this is just another verbal altercation, and why can’t we just go back to working on reconciling?

I told her I felt angry and humiliated, and that she needs to get help for this. She said it was good I was communicating these things, but would not commit to doing anything or even to acknowledging a problem.

She has been struggling with change of life, really mourning the loss of her fertility. I’m still in shock, though, I just don’t know what to make of it.
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Since this is all happening so fast, try a trial separation for a few weeks (or months) and if anything, it will clear your head. Do you have somewhere you could stay for a while, like a friend or family member until you can get an apartment?

If you do leave, make sure you get legal counsel from a lawyer to ensure that you do not lose custody of your younger children. Your wife could use it against you and say you abandoned your kids and therefore should not have joint custody. You will at minimum be granted part time custody of your younger kids regardless. Perhaps you should take your younger kids with you?

A Catholic counsellor once told me that God does not want us to stay in abusive situations even in the Sacrament of Marriage. We have the right to live life without the threat of violence.
 
Serap said:
Since this is all happening so fast, try a trial separation for a few weeks (or months) and if anything, it will clear your head. Do you have somewhere you could stay for a while, like a friend or family member until you can get an apartment?

If you do leave, make sure you get legal counsel from a lawyer to ensure that you do not lose custody of your younger children. Your wife could use it against you and say you abandoned your kids and therefore should not have joint custody. You will at minimum be granted part time custody of your younger kids regardless. Perhaps you should take your younger kids with you?

A Catholic counsellor once told me that God does not want us to stay in abusive situations even in the Sacrament of Marriage. We have the right to live life without the threat of violence.
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Great advice. Legal counsel is an absolute must if you leave with a child or children if you are married. It can be used against you in a divorce proceeding and have other consequences.

Also, don’t make it appear as though you’ve abandoned the house as well. Don’t take furniture or anything else that appears you no longer want to live there. Just take the necessities or it can imply you are leaving the house for your wife.

Been there done this, the legal advice saved me in what was later a long drawn out divorce.

I hope you and your wife can work things out.
Mary.
 
MaryT777 said:
Great advice. Legal counsel is an absolute must if you leave with a child or children if you are married. It can be used against you in a divorce proceeding and have other consequences.

Also, don’t make it appear as though you’ve abandoned the house as well. Don’t take furniture or anything else that appears you no longer want to live there. Just take the necessities or it can imply you are leaving the house for your wife.

Been there done this, the legal advice saved me in what was later a long drawn out divorce.

I hope you and your wife can work things out.
Mary.
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sorry to hear of you hardship Mary. Divorce is the absolute last resort yet necessary for your protection from violence.
 
Serap said:
sorry to hear of you hardship Mary. Divorce is the absolute last resort yet necessary for your protection from violence.
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Thank you. My marriage is now annulled thanks be to God and I pray the couple can resolve their problems with couseling for it seems to me it’s the kids that suffer the most when there is a divorce.

Let us pray for troubled marriages that the Holy Spirit will intervene and enable the spouses to seek counseling and make necessary changes to enable their marriage to endure till death do them part.
Amen.

Mary.
 
You realize when she wrestled you down your head might have slammed on a sharp edge and you been killed.
She certainly then would face the police.
She wasn’t looking out for your safety, just living her rage. She endangered you.
I’m glad at least that you have recorded and photographed the injuries.
You may be wise to leave the information in a safe place, in your house she may find and destroy it.

Having no remorse…people can be psychopathic and it not generally show until a trigger event.
People can be self-serving even if they do some things for others, sometimes because it suits them to do the right thing even if they don’t really have love…

Daily Mass isn’t always indicative of holiness. It can be all about ones perception of oneself, not about God, even it it appears credible. Religosity isn’t necessarily spirituality.

Please God your children do not conform to the modelling of abuse or putting up with abuse.
God bless them and help them to be well balanced, loving and good.
 
Corhaesito said:
I don’t want to get the police involved, but I have taken pictures and documented what happened.

Last night I apologized for my language, hoping to hear an apology for the violence…nothing. When I told her I thought we should separate for a time, she asked why, and if I was afraid for my safety. I told her I was not afraid for my safety but thought that our situation has become unstable and toxic, and that I’m almost as concerned about her lack of remorse as I am about the violence itself.

We agreed I will talk to the trusted priest we’ve been seeing for counselling. I doubt he will sanction my leaving, even for just a few months. But at least he will be an independent person who will know about what’s going on.

Thanks again, all, this has been gut-wrenching. So conflicted about what to do.
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Amend what you told her, do it right away, and do it with a witness. If you are not concerned for your safety, you ought to be. She was this close to giving you the choice of going to prison for harming her or letting her cripple or kill you. That cannot be allowed to happen.

"women in general account for only about 10 percent of defendants charged with all murders. But for all spousal murders, women accounted for more than 40 percent of defendants…Not surprisingly, when it comes to parents who kill their children, mothers kill more often than fathers…Wives who kill their husbands were acquitted in 12.9 percent of the cases studied, while husbands who kill their wives were acquitted in only 1.4 percent of the cases. Women who were convicted of killing their husbands were sentenced to an average of six years in prison, while men received an average of seventeen years for killing their wives, Sixteen percent of female spousal killers get probation, compared to 1.6 percent for males. By almost every other measure as well, female spousal killers are treated more leniently than male spousal killers. To be sure, some of the differences may be attributable to gender-neutral factors such as prior record, provocation, or mental illness. But there is absolutely no support in this data for the claim that husbands who kill their wives are systematically treated with kid gloves by the justice system. "
uiowa.edu/~030116/158/articles/dershowitz3.htm

As for what the priest might have to say about it, canon law is on your side. It is so important that you be able to get yourself out of a dangerous situation that canon law specifically says you may do so on your own authority, without permission from the Church:
Can. 1153 §1. If either of the spouses causes grave mental or physical danger to the other spouse or to the offspring or otherwise renders common life too difficult, that spouse gives the other a legitimate cause for leaving, either by decree of the local ordinary or even on his or her own authority if there is danger in delay.

What you described was very serious and (more importantly) very sustained and brazen violence by one spouse against another. She didn’t just lose her head for a moment. She was not returning physical violence for physical violence. She was punishing a verbal slight with a physical attack, and ignored pleading by you and one of her children that she stop, even though you had never raised a hand to her.

The actual way the law is applied makes it imperative that you get yourself and your children away from her. Do so without delay. Let mediation begin after that.
 
Corhaesito said:
Yes, it’s as if she thinks this is just another verbal altercation, and why can’t we just go back to working on reconciling?

I told her I felt angry and humiliated, and that she needs to get help for this. She said it was good I was communicating these things, but would not commit to doing anything or even to acknowledging a problem.

She has been struggling with change of life, really mourning the loss of her fertility. I’m still in shock, though, I just don’t know what to make of it.
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Maybe it’s my background, having been emotionally abused for a very long time by a man who enjoys pushing my buttons until I am enraged - by the same man who left me with an infant and a 4 year old and blamed me for the end of the marriage when there was another woman involved the whole time, but I get the feeling you are looking for a way out.

I think that if this is not a pattern of behavior, and she is going through major hormonal changes, then you need to at least look into what could be causing this. I’m not saying you should put yourself in danger, but you need to look at the whole picture.
 
Hmmm, now add a new wrinkle: while telling my eldest I’m considering separation, he tells me that the wife has done the exact same thing to our 19 year old daughter: grabbed her by the hair during an argument, took her to the floor and pinned her there.

I spoke with my daughter who confirmed this, then told me that today her mom insisted on a hug, and when my daughter didn’t (because she felt bad still about the prior attack); my wife pinned her against the wall and forcibly hugged her.

Now what? If I just leave, am I allowing her to do this to the other kids? Daughter was not hurt, but obviously my wife is out of control. Wife made my daughter apologize for the argument, and would not herself apologize for the attack.

Last night, my wife told me that after talking to our priest, she apologizes “for being unreasonable.” I have not left yet, nor confronted her about roughing up our daughter.
 
This new information adds seriousness to the problem. It seems to me that anyone who currently shares the house ought to move out at least temporarily, and that people currently not living there only meet with her in public. I’d also like to get her a psych exam.
 
I am so glad your children are opening up to you about this. I understand the importance of consulting a lawyer, but in my opinion, your wife is a danger NOW. It would be wrong to leave the home without the kids. I think the two options are leaving with the kids or staying with the kids and insisting upon her leaving. Another poster mentioned a psych evaluation, which I think is a wonderful idea. Document everything that has transpired and been communicated right away, too. It is probably a good time to make an official report to the authorities right now, as well.

I am so sorry for all of this. God bless you and your children. I hope your wife will agree to get the help she needs so that some form of reconciliation is possible.
 
You have already listed three recent instances of domestic violence.
What will the fourth be? And to whom?
Is your wife to be trusted with you, or any of your children.
If she attacked and wrestled you to the ground, she can do the same with your sons.
She has already twice used violence upon your daughter.
Rather than procrastinate, there is yourself and your children to protect.
Yes, it’s shocking to find you are one of those families where domestic abuse and endangerment occurs, but you are one such family.

You need to deal with it wisely and with outside protection.
You wife may more than wrestle you to the ground if you tell her that you plan to separate.
She’s the one who needs to be out of the house and barred from it for fear of physical attack on any of you. She is not likely to take any changes calmly.
You may need to get the police involved, unless your wife can agree to get the psychiatric care she may need.
Otherwise the children can leave home and you live like a mouse for the rest of your life.
If that is a viable alternative, your children are unlikely in the future to leave their children in your house on visits, nor ever leave them for childminding.
In her current an escalating state your wife couldn’t be trusted with lively young children.

It’s a terrible position for a good man to be in.
You can’t do this alone and without proper advice and wise decisions.
 
Holy Toledo!!! Get thyself out of there with your kids like yesterday!!! Your wife is dangerous and is abusing your children! Tell your family and friends about the abuse. You and your daughter need to report the abuse to the police. It needs to be documented. This is serious stuff!!!

My heart goes out to you! Be strong and do what is needed for your family"s safety. Prayers!!!
 
Corhaesito said:
Hmmm, now add a new wrinkle: while telling my eldest I’m considering separation, he tells me that the wife has done the exact same thing to our 19 year old daughter: grabbed her by the hair during an argument, took her to the floor and pinned her there.

I spoke with my daughter who confirmed this, then told me that today her mom insisted on a hug, and when my daughter didn’t (because she felt bad still about the prior attack); my wife pinned her against the wall and forcibly hugged her.

Now what? If I just leave, am I allowing her to do this to the other kids? Daughter was not hurt, but obviously my wife is out of control. Wife made my daughter apologize for the argument, and would not herself apologize for the attack.

Last night, my wife told me that after talking to our priest, she apologizes “for being unreasonable.” I have not left yet, nor confronted her about roughing up our daughter.
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You gather your children, you talk to your wife together, and you tell her that if she does not leave the family home and seek help for her violent tendencies, you are going to file police reports that very hour and get a legal restraining orders. As for right now, she is not allowed to spend any time with any of you alone. (Personally, I would just go the police and get it done, but something tells me that you’d rather “give her another chance,” as if she hasn’t squandered plenty already.)

The protection of your children and their father and protector is your duty. Do not delay. Do it. Under no circumstances can you allow her to have you or any other protector removed from your home. (Honestly, I would really really suggest that any males in this situation get the police involved right away by making a legal report RIGHT NOW, while there is not a single incident in her favor and she still hasn’t done any permanent harm to anyone. There is great harm possible by giving her too many chances.)

Why do I say this? Because a normal non-violent person will take the steps to identify why they do something like this on their own accord the FIRST time it happens. They do not beg for forgiveness only to repeat and repeat and deny that they need to make some foundational changes. They are more intent than anyone to find out what is wrong with them that they could do such a thing. Your wife has proven a) that she is violent and b) that she is either in denial about it or is content to remain that way for as long as she can get away with it.

She has failed her duty to keep her family safe. You need to step up and do your duty, now.
 
EasterJoy said:
You gather your children, you talk to your wife together, and you tell her that if she does not leave the family home and seek help for her violent tendencies, you are going to file police reports that very hour and get a legal restraining orders. As for right now, she is not allowed to spend any time with any of you alone. (Personally, I would just go the police and get it done, but something tells me that you’d rather “give her another chance,” as if she hasn’t squandered plenty already.)

The protection of your children and their father and protector is your duty. Do not delay. Do it. Under no circumstances can you allow her to have you or any other protector removed from your home. (Honestly, I would really really suggest that any males in this situation get the police involved right away by making a legal report RIGHT NOW, while there is not a single incident in her favor and she still hasn’t done any permanent harm to anyone. There is great harm possible by giving her too many chances.)

Why do I say this? Because a normal non-violent person will take the steps to identify why they do something like this on their own accord the FIRST time it happens. They do not beg for forgiveness only to repeat and repeat and deny that they need to make some foundational changes. They are more intent than anyone to find out what is wrong with them that they could do such a thing. Your wife has proven a) that she is violent and b) that she is either in denial about it or is content to remain that way for as long as she can get away with it.

She has failed her duty to keep her family safe. You need to step up and do your duty, now.
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Well said EasterJoy. I just worry that she will be violent when they confront her. Maybe they should put a hidden camera in the room just in case?
 
No one wants their marriage to fail. The concern is that her denial of what she has been doing puts her in a near occasion of very serious sin, if no one speaks up and says, “no, this has to stop.” They cannot have a good marriage or a peaceful family until she agrees that “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again” has not been good enough, and won’t be taken as an answer any more. The family has to insist that she confront what she has let herself do repeatedly, find out why she does it, and take the steps necessary to really make certain she never does it again. Will power has not been enough.

More to the point, if she has never been like this or if this is a sudden escalation of what was previously no more than a unfortunate bad temper, she could have some very serious neurological problem behind this. She needs to open up about how these things happen, and have herself checked out. If that is so, she needs help ASAP. Those are not problems that can be safely ignored.

On that account, the family’s refusal to put up with her violent behavior ought to be combined with a fear for her, too. If she does this to a total stranger, she could wind up in jail. If she can’t help herself, she could have something wrong with her brain that needs immediate treatment. What is certain is that something is very wrong, and her outbursts cannot be allowed to continue for any reason. They have to figure out what is wrong, and have it taken care of before they treat her as a safe person. Contrition alone has simply not been enough.

If this is a sudden change, I would really be concerned for her neurological health. Such a problem would also explain why she might have not taken steps on her own to deal with the problem and why the family is ready to believe that these are “one time” offenses and hesitate to “out” her about it. She may not have the capacity that she previously had. In that case, time could easily be of the essence in finding help for her condition.
 
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