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Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
Leave, and take the kid. No kid should have a violent parent. If she is dangerous enough to physically harm you, she is dangerous enough to harm her children. Find a shelter if you have to.
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TheWarriorMonk
Guest
Ignore my prior advice. If she’s abusing the children also (regardless of whether they are of age or not), it’s time to separate. I would state that she must leave immediately, and if she doesn’t, call the police.
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SuperLuigi
Guest
You need to put your marriage and your family before what other people in your parish or your friends think. I don’t care how close you all are; this doesn’t need to be any of their business if you don’t want it to be.
Otherwise, as others have said, you need to get yourself and your kids out of there. Or she should go.
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EasterJoy
Guest
The person who is being violent needs to be the one who leaves, not the rest of the family. The only reason they would leave is if they decided they needed shelter where she could not find them. I don’t get the feeling she poses that sort of danger. They need to be out of her way when she loses her temper, but that doesn’t mean she’s going to do something pre-meditated to harm her children.
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Annie39
Guest
I skimmed through the replies to you and I didn’t see anyone address this so I thought that I would. I’m not sure but I think that if we heard the wife’s side that we may hear a different story. She is abusive and something must be done but it looks like I’m the only person who is going to tell you that you are an abusive husband. More than mere counseling IMHO you both could do with a Metanoia.
Annie
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Irishmom2
Guest
What are you basing that on?
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Annie39
Guest
His words “told her to move her fat ***. I’m ashamed of saying that, have never gone there because I know she’s sensitive about her body image.” Do you believe that was the only time he verbally abused her? to me it sounds like an ongoing problem from the both of them.
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Irishmom2
Guest
Well, I suppose I would have understood more if you had said to him " you both sound like you have been abusive spouses to each other." But okay, I see your point.
Physical harm is different though. As others have said, if this were a husband restraining his wife, everyone would be saying for her to leave.
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AussieTrish
Guest
You do have a point, Annie, and the OP needs to take responsibility for that and any emotional abuse.
That did ring a bell in my mind at the time I first read the post, but as my awareness was overshadowed by the alarming physical attacks, I hadn’t followed the thought.
The indication might be that there is little mutual love and respect, although the husband refrained from using violent retaliation upon his wife when he was pinned down
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However everyone is aware of the seriousness of the violent physical attack by the wife on the daughter, which occurred twice.
And her attack on her husband was also violent.
Her actions could have led to homicide if their heads had smashed against a hard edge.
May the Holy Spirit guide and advise and heal this family.
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Corhaesito
Guest
I’ve acknowledged my fault in using hurtful language, and apologized to her the next day, unreservedly, without excuse making.
As I said in my first post, our marriage has been rocky with faults on both sides, including my impatience. But I’ve never dreamt of lifting a finger against her physically. Ironically, our priest said maybe her security about me not being physically abusive led her to feel safe in getting physical with me, knowing I would not hurt her.
Thusfar, my wife’s only “apology” has been to tell me, after seeing our priest (whom I had told everything to) “sorry for being unreasonable last week.”
I still have to deal with her actions towards our daughter.
As I said in my first post, our marriage has been rocky with faults on both sides, including my impatience. But I’ve never dreamt of lifting a finger against her physically. Ironically, our priest said maybe her security about me not being physically abusive led her to feel safe in getting physical with me, knowing I would not hurt her.
Thusfar, my wife’s only “apology” has been to tell me, after seeing our priest (whom I had told everything to) “sorry for being unreasonable last week.”
I still have to deal with her actions towards our daughter.
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AussieTrish
Guest
I don’t buy that. Just because we know our spouse wont retaliate, does not mean that any balanced husband or wife will physically attack the other. It sounds like an excuse for the inexcusable. There is a real problem there. And though many of us have commented, there are facts and reasons to be uncovered and dealt with that we may not have the information to discern.
The priest is of course a conciliator.
It reminds me of the person who said to the kind nun, “You’d find something kind to say about the devil himself” She replied, “He’s certainly very industrious!”
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Serap
Guest
This is victim blaming. No one deserves the threat of violence in their home.
If she won’t leave, he should leave with kids. Get a small apt and convince wife to get better.
I would also install hidden cameras in house for proof of any future abuse.
Edited to add: verbal abuse is wrong. Physical assault is a felony and criminal…especially on a child.
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Irishmom2
Guest
Excellent points, Serap.
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Annie39
Guest
I can’t tell you how much I disagree. We have one snap shot of a fight between a husband and wife. The husband is giving us this snapshot in words. But they have been married for 27 years. I don’t for a minute believe that this is the entire story. You don’t know the genesis of that fight. I do agree that the physical part was an unacceptable escalation but perhaps the beginning of this was also unacceptable escalation, simply not physical. If this was the first time this person has been assaulted and bruised that was the time to call the police, have pictures taken etc. A man who is “together” would have taken care of business but he has decided to complain to strangers. I think that if one were able to get to the bottom of this there is equal blame. I have been in abusive relationships but I was a child and was defenseless. That’s when others should be consulted.
Annie
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Irishmom2
Guest
Annie, that is all the more reason I would think you would suggest the OP take the kids and leave, or ask his wife to leave.
Not forever, but until they can both work on their problems as individuals, and then as a couple.
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EasterJoy
Guest
On what possible basis could you come to the conclusion that he is an abusive husband? Because of what he said? You are willing to admit that the offenses are on totally different planes of gravity, right? To occasionally make a verbal attack during an argument is wrong, but it does not compare to making a physical assault that one will not stop even after pleading from the victim and the witnesses. It is not even close.
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EasterJoy
Guest
Yes, I do believe him.
On what basis did her child deserve the assault she got, BTW? Are we going to conclude that every time this woman has come unglued that the victim did something to provoke her, that the victim is an “abuser”?
Honestly, if this is a new behavior, I’d be very concerned to look for the cause. This is something that someone might do one time when provoked, but not repeatedly. If it is suddenly getting to be habitual, I have to worry that she might have a brain tumor or an addiction or something. Unless it is an escalation of a prior habit of poor self-control, I’d be very concerned that she is a victim not of her husband’s verbal provocation, but of some sort of neurological impairment.
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EasterJoy
Guest
OK, now you are just blaming the victim.
Why should a man not consult others when he has a relationship issue, when every woman you know would do the same thing, and about far less serious things? If the tables were turned, he’d be lucky his wife chose a discrete forum and not a bunch of her girlfriends. Let me tell you: If they told her she was equally to blame for a physical assault because she called her “sensitive” husband fat, you’d be screaming to the heavens. That is totally ridiculous.
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Irishmom2
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Zelie_Louis
Guest
Some situations are beyond the scope of CAF. Domestic violence cannot be solved with the (name removed by moderator)ut of posters, so please contact a professional for appropriate guidance.
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