Physical attraction and dating

[pianistclare]

Focus on being a good guy. The good women will find you.
Worry less about how you’re going to let all these women down easy.

 

[bsf]

Mr Ignatius,

In reality, the greatest relationship advice I could probably give would be to observe me and then do something different. However, I will throw this out there anyway. I think you may be underestimating the strength and resilience of women. You may be even overestimating certain female’s attraction to you. Furthermore, relationships are messy. People get hurt. If you are not engaging in misleading speech and behavior, maybe you could focus less on the possibility of females getting hurt if they develop an attraction to you that is not reciprocated.

 

[Mr_Ignatius]

Cheers. I definitely do not engage in misleading behaviour and speech.

Mr Ignatius,

In reality, the greatest relationship advice I could probably give would be to observe me and then do something different.

What exactly do you do?

 

[schaeffer]

Mr Ignatius,

In reality, the greatest relationship advice I could probably give would be to observe me and then do something different. However, I will throw this out there anyway. I think you may be underestimating the strength and resilience of women. You may be even overestimating certain female’s attraction to you. Furthermore, relationships are messy. People get hurt. If you are not engaging in misleading speech and behavior, maybe you could focus less on the possibility of females getting hurt if they develop an attraction to you that is not reciprocated.

^^This^^

You are also not bound by Catholic faith to be attracted to every physical type as some sort of act of faith. The women you consider less physically attractive are probably considered cute/beautiful and sexy by someone else. Rest assured that your idea of attractiveness is not the be all and end all. Take a look around you, people of all shapes, sizes and aspects find partners in life.

You aren’t responsible for the heart of every person who takes a fancy to you. As said above. If you are honest and respectable then the rest is on them. When I was young I developed mad crushes and found myself “in love” with boys/men I barely knew, and who did nothing to lead me on, and then I felt very put upon when I saw them with someone else etc. etc. They did nothing wrong, seemed I couldn’t monitor my own feelings there was NO WAY they possibly could!

Mind your own feelings and behavior and worry less about theirs. And don’t worry about missing “Ms Right” because you’re looking at Ms Beautiful…because if Ms Right comes along she will appear so beautiful to you that you won’t be able to look away.

 

[Xantippe]

Mind your own feelings and behavior and worry less about theirs. And don’t worry about missing “Ms Right” because you’re looking at Ms Beautiful…because if Ms Right comes along she will appear so beautiful to you that you won’t be able to look away.

Right.

 

[Ridgerunner]

Can guys and girls really just be friends/best friends?

For me it seems like the more I open myself up to and spend more time with a friend off the opposite sex, a pattern emerges where if she is single and we get to know each others future plans/passions etc. she begins to like me. I got the vibes again recently so I’ve decided to take a step back and hope it’s not too late! - And here I was sure nothing would happen with this particular friend but I guess prevention is better than treatment (not the right word but you know what I mean).

Could it be that I just get too close (by getting personal unnecessarily) or spend too much time with them (but I really don’t) or is it my personality? Can I not treat these sisters in Christ like how a brother in Christ should? How can I protect a girls heart but still remain close friends? Maybe for some men it is actually not possible?

Either way it seems like I’ll just have to avoid 1 on 1 time with sisters in the future.

I find myself agreeing with just about everything everyone on here has said to you. Maybe I can add a little to it, at least.

Dating can be a messy business. Back when I was dating, I had some of the same concerns about hurting some young women. But we really don’t know what happens after a relationship ends. I don’t think they jump off bridges. They go find another guy. That doesn’t mean a guy should be exploitive. He needs to have a reasonable degree of care. But getting hurt, at least mildly, is just part of the whole thing, and maybe it’s a good thing eventually and helps us mature.

We’re not, as guys, going to get to know a woman very well if we’re too reticent about closeness. Exploring closeness is part of the process, at least to a point. What is “closeness” to this young woman, and to that one? It’s different with different ones.

But I will not criticize going out with a woman who is “a friend”. That “friend” might very well be the one with whom you fall in love. My wife of lo, these many years, and I did not like each other at first. Very much to the contrary. Without making the story too long, we nevertheless developed an almost grudging friendship. Then we decided we would be each other’s “confidant”; just friends, mind you, but we agreed we could confide in each other. And we did. Eventually, no other relationship could be interesting to either of us and we realized we loved each other. Admitting it was kind of humorous for both of us.

So, that relationship of “confidant”, was it something we instinctively knew was right for us and even possibly a prelude to something much greater but which neither of us could admit at that time due to certain antipathies? (I was extremely vain at that time in my life, and deserved every criticism she had of me. She was cynical about male vanity, and didn’t mind showing it.)

But the relationship of “confidant” was very exploratory. We knew each other inside and out in pretty short order. Were we “friends” then? Indeed we were. But it was also a time in both our lives when we each had the ego strength or whatever it was, to risk it, to brave it.

And yes, she was beautiful. Still is. I can’t assert that her appearance didn’t matter. It actually enhanced the whole thing. Here was this really gorgeous young woman taking verbal shots at me, and I risked giving them right back. It was part of the fascination, I think. Part of a “joyous war”, I might say. Even in the hostility, I liked looking at her. I know this sounds stupid, but one of her best features was her mouth. Had this fascinating sort of curl at the corners. I liked seeing it move, so I could put up with anything she said, just to see it. Her teeth and her lips were so perfect. Probably kept me in the game.

So I say “follow where the heart leads”, and be brave. Risk your own feelings and, yes, risk theirs. The young women are in the same game you’re in, and they’re not made of china. So don’t you be made of china either.

 

[pianistclare]

I find myself agreeing with just about everything everyone on here has said to you. Maybe I can add a little to it, at least.

Dating can be a messy business. Back when I was dating, I had some of the same concerns about hurting some young women. But we really don’t know what happens after a relationship ends. I don’t think they jump off bridges. They go find another guy. That doesn’t mean a guy should be exploitive. He needs to have a reasonable degree of care. But getting hurt, at least mildly, is just part of the whole thing, and maybe it’s a good thing eventually and helps us mature.

We’re not, as guys, going to get to know a woman very well if we’re too reticent about closeness. Exploring closeness is part of the process, at least to a point. What is “closeness” to this young woman, and to that one? It’s different with different ones.

But I will not criticize going out with a woman who is “a friend”. That “friend” might very well be the one with whom you fall in love. My wife of lo, these many years, and I did not like each other at first. Very much to the contrary. Without making the story too long, we nevertheless developed an almost grudging friendship. Then we decided we would be each other’s “confidant”; just friends, mind you, but we agreed we could confide in each other. And we did. Eventually, no other relationship could be interesting to either of us and we realized we loved each other. Admitting it was kind of humorous for both of us.

So, that relationship of “confidant”, was it something we instinctively knew was right for us and even possibly a prelude to something much greater but which neither of us could admit at that time due to certain antipathies? (I was extremely vain at that time in my life, and deserved every criticism she had of me. She was cynical about male vanity, and didn’t mind showing it.)

But the relationship of “confidant” was very exploratory. We knew each other inside and out in pretty short order. Were we “friends” then? Indeed we were. But it was also a time in both our lives when we each had the ego strength or whatever it was, to risk it, to brave it.

And yes, she was beautiful. Still is. I can’t assert that her appearance didn’t matter. It actually enhanced the whole thing. Here was this really gorgeous young woman taking verbal shots at me, and I risked giving them right back. It was part of the fascination, I think. Part of a “joyous war”, I might say. Even in the hostility, I liked looking at her. I know this sounds stupid, but one of her best features was her mouth. Had this fascinating sort of curl at the corners. I liked seeing it move, so I could put up with anything she said, just to see it. Her teeth and her lips were so perfect. Probably kept me in the game.

So I say “follow where the heart leads”, and be brave. Risk your own feelings and, yes, risk theirs. The young women are in the same game you’re in, and they’re not made of china. So don’t you be made of china either.

:clapping:

 

[underacloud]

You are also not bound by Catholic faith to be attracted to every physical type as some sort of act of faith. The women you consider less physically attractive are probably considered cute/beautiful and sexy by someone else. Rest assured that your idea of attractiveness is not the be all and end all. Take a look around you, people of all shapes, sizes and aspects find partners in life.

You aren’t responsible for the heart of every person who takes a fancy to you.

There’s a lot of good sense in this.

And I agree with bsf when they said “I think you may be underestimating the strength and resilience of women”.

Back when I was single, I had female friends develop romantic feelings for me, which were not reciprocated. I even dated one of them, but I knew the feelings weren’t there and weren’t coming. At the time, I regretted the way I felt because any one of these women would have been a wonderful wife and mother. And guess what - they are. Just not to me.

Don’t feel like you’re ruining women by being friends with them and letting them falling for you. Unless they’re seriously unhinged, they will get over it. And maybe you’ll fall for one of them.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

It’s been a while!

For the past year or so however I’ve been scratching my head at how although some of these girls have great personalities I would not go out of my way and pursue them because I don’t find them physically attractive.

It has happened a few times in the past where I have gotten to know a girl really well intending to remain good friends but she would fall for me so because of this I try to keep a distance to prevent any broken hearts unless I want to pursue. However how frustrating is this, because I feel like if the physical meant nothing I would have dated them all!!!

Share your insight!

A frustrated young Catholic

It sounds funny to me that you say that you purposely distance yourself from women to prevent them from “Falling for you, unless you want to pursue” Just how often do women you do not like “Fall for you”? So you are never going to be friends with a girl that you do not want to eventually be more than friends with? Not every physically unattractive woman is going to fall for you bro. I do not care how good looking you are. Everyone (even us rugged looking folk) have had friends try to be with us who we were not interested in. It happens. If you are not leading any of these girls on and giving them a reason to think you like them (Just being nice to them does not count) then why make such a big deal about this? Some girls that you do not find attractive are going to like you. That happens to everyone. Just do not worry about it so much.

And I do not know how old you are but you might find yourself attracted to types of women you did not as time goes by. You cannot help who you are attracted too. Haven’t you ever met a girl that you did not think was pretty at first but then you got to know her, or learned something cool about her and suddenly she became just a little more attractive than when you first saw her? Try getting to know some girls that you do not think are that attractive and they can become attractive to you.

 

[Mr_Ignatius]

^^This^^

You are also not bound by Catholic faith to be attracted to every physical type as some sort of act of faith. The women you consider less physically attractive are probably considered cute/beautiful and sexy by someone else. Rest assured that your idea of attractiveness is not the be all and end all. Take a look around you, people of all shapes, sizes and aspects find partners in life.

It sounds funny to me that you say that you purposely distance yourself from women to prevent them from “Falling for you, unless you want to pursue” Just how often do women you do not like “Fall for you”? So you are never going to be friends with a girl that you do not want to eventually be more than friends with? Not every physically unattractive woman is going to fall for you bro. I do not care how good looking you are. Everyone (even us rugged looking folk) have had friends try to be with us who we were not interested in. It happens. If you are not leading any of these girls on and giving them a reason to think you like them (Just being nice to them does not count) then why make such a big deal about this? Some girls that you do not find attractive are going to like you. That happens to everyone. Just do not worry about it so much.

Actually I wouldn’t say I’m good looking, probably a pretty standard looking guy but it’s funny how you point that out because that’s exactly why I ‘distance myself’ - I’m quite confident it’s my personality.

You said ‘giving them a reason to think you like them’ but could confiding in them be a reason?

RE: my age, 20-24 age group.

But the relationship of “confidant” was very exploratory. We knew each other inside and out in pretty short order. Were we “friends” then? Indeed we were. But it was also a time in both our lives when we each had the ego strength or whatever it was, to risk it, to brave it.

And yes, she was beautiful. Still is. I can’t assert that her appearance didn’t matter. It actually enhanced the whole thing. Here was this really gorgeous young woman taking verbal shots at me, and I risked giving them right back. It was part of the fascination, I think. Part of a “joyous war”, I might say. Even in the hostility, I liked looking at her. I know this sounds stupid, but one of her best features was her mouth. Had this fascinating sort of curl at the corners. I liked seeing it move, so I could put up with anything she said, just to see it. Her teeth and her lips were so perfect. Probably kept me in the game.

So I say “follow where the heart leads”, and be brave. Risk your own feelings and, yes, risk theirs. The young women are in the same game you’re in, and they’re not made of china. So don’t you be made of china either.

Thanks for sharing. Interesting to point out the confidant relationship as I am naturally great at building rapport and trust. There are plenty of studies showing how the confidant factor is a significant one in rating attractiveness (might not be the actual inference but it’s definitely something along those lines).

But that’s awesome to know that her appearance did matter. It’s just there a girls I know who will make great wives and mothers but I just haven’t found many (yet) with physical features to ‘keep me in the game’ as you said. And there is where I sometimes feel too superficial.

Haha love how you liked seeing her mouth move, and her teeth and lips. Sounds like the statistic of women on average speaking more words than males is one that you are happy for. Speaking in person of course

 

[Irishmom2]

“but could confiding in them be a reason?”

BINGO!

Why are you doing that?

 

[pianistclare]

You: I’m confiding in you.

Them: He’s flirting with me.

Sounds like a serial flirter.
Then oh gosh! :doh2:
She fell for me.
How to let them down easy??? :banghead:

Boundaries. Everyone needs them.

 

[Mr_Ignatius]

Actually just a correction after more thought. It’s not so much me confiding in them but they in me. Guess it might help if I don’t stimulate it once it begins.

I’m a listener.

But yeah definitely not me initiating it. Not directly at least.

 

[pianistclare]

Actually just a correction after more thought. It’s not so much me confiding in them but they in me. Guess it might help if I don’t stimulate it once it begins.

I’m a listener.

But yeah definitely not me initiating it. Not directly at least.

Yeah. Definitely don’t stimulate it dude.

sorry, but that cracked me up

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

Actually just a correction after more thought. It’s not so much me confiding in them but they in me. Guess it might help if I don’t stimulate it once it begins.

I’m a listener.

But yeah definitely not me initiating it. Not directly at least.

Just a question. You said that you are a standard looking guy. I take that to mean average, right? All the women that are confiding in you then falling for you are good girls, just not physically attractive to you. Is there any chance you are trying to hold out for a woman who is looks-wise out of your league then? Any chance these women that you do not like physically are more “in your league” so to speak, than the type of woman you find attractive? You just do not want to accept it? I am not trying to put you down in any way about this question. I do not know you. Just wondering if you have ever pondered that question. I have for myself. Even given some women a chance that I did not think were that attractive. But I have also gone out with some real pretty girls. But after awhile you have to ask yourself why it is not outrageously gorgeous women that you are beating off with a stick.

Oh yeah… You asked in your op if you sounded shallow. I do not think so.

 

[Mr_Ignatius]

Hah thanks for not thinking I’m shallow.

Yeah of course I have. But having not done much dating I wouldn’t say I have the clearest picture of the league I would be in. I’ll find out soon enough.

 

[ack]

But having not done much dating I wouldn’t say I have the clearest picture of the league I would be in. I’ll find out soon enough.

Don’t waste time trying to figure that out.

Improve yourself as much as you can (regardless of if you think you need to get into a “higher league” or not). And figure out what kind of girl you like (regardless of what league you think she’s in).

 

[Bookcat]

A frustrated young Catholic

Be open. One can be surprised. You may not initially think the person “attractive” to you or “your type”…but focus on friendship…and be open.

Also read “The Jewelers Shop” by St. John Paul II

Meditate on each line…

 

[pianistclare]

Be open. One can be surprised. You may not initially think the person “attractive” to you or “your type”…but focus on friendship…and be open.

Also read “The Jewelers Shop” by St. John Paul II

Meditate on each line…

^^^ great idea! Yes.

 

[Try2BeHumble]

Actually just a correction after more thought. It’s not so much me confiding in them but they in me. Guess it might help if I don’t stimulate it once it begins.

I’m a listener.

But yeah definitely not me initiating it. Not directly at least.

I think your posts have been interesting been thought provoking because physical traits are important but they aren’t everything. Remember you could meet the most beautiful woman ever but her heart might not be in the right place. I think a good book to recommend would be Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. I read the woman’s version Captivating and I loved that book wild at heart is for guys although some guys also read Captivating to see what a woman’s view was.

Like others have said pray, be open and set boundaries. I would add to be honest don’t lead a girl on if you know it won’t work. I personally as well as other women would have more respect if you would just want to be friends instead of dragging the relationship on.