Yes I did chew my wife out and gave many of the objections raised here. she said absolutely nothing and today pretended like nothing happended. I think my wife is too permissive. This is not the first time she has done things behind my back. the last major incident was having grandpa buy the kids iphones behind my back even though I disapproved…
The strategy of simply not listening to complaints is called “stonewalling.”
…BTW in regards to my “temper” she has no problem asking for the “heavy” in me to come out and play when the kids don’t listen to her…
That’s a bit hypocritical, but according to human nature.
As nearly as I can tell, you could use some counselling concerning how to complain, how to think about some particular issue so you can come to a compromise you can live with later–because of course an adult complaining to another adult should not expect that he or she will get everything they want every time–and how to identify and head off *your wife’s *unhealthy strategies when you two have a difference of opinion.
I would suggest you go to a library and see what books John Gottman et al have on the shelves concerning communication strategies. His area of research has been contrasting the communication styles of couples who divorce with those who stay together. All the couples he studies argue or have differences of opinion, but the ones who stick together have strategies that minimize relationship damage during disputes and make repairs after it is all over.
When you complain and argue in a way that minimizes damage to the other person and seeks to repair the damage that is done, you build loyalty. You build a desire in the other person to look out for you, too. You put yourself on what I’d call their “conscience radar.” It is harder to wrong someone you want to please than it is to wrong someone you can rationalize “deserves it.” For instance, if your wife doesn’t have evidence that you listen to her, it is easier for her to rationalize it when she blows off what you want behind your back.
These books have a lot of examples of how people change their conversational style in order to have their conversational partner retreat from discussing the issue at hand into name-calling, personal criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, strategies which are relationship killers.
I think if you learn the communication habits of couples that stay together, your wife will have less ability to rationalize and more of a desire to please you. You, meanwhile, will be better able to identify when one or both of you is using a counterproductive tactic that ultimately hurts your marriage and keeps a compromise from being reached. You may as well try it; it won’t cost you anything.
Do not forget that you also have relationships with your girls. You can tell them that when they go and do something with their mother that they know you wouldn’t like and then hide it from you, it hurts your feelings. They need to know that you’re not a policeman, but their father who looks out for them, loves them, and doesn’t want to be treated as if you have money to give out but no feelings to share. You may want to talk with them about having “fun” outings with them. Were I you, I would start having dates with your daughters, in addition to attending whatever recitals or games or what have you that they have. They are far less likely to have an unhealthy desire to find a man to please if they have a close and healthy relationship with you in which you have taught them to stick up for themselves and know that they are too valuable to be pushed around. Then treat your wife the way you expect your daughters’ boyfriends ought to treat them–that is, work things out using communication and no intimidation.
They say it is impossible to “not” do something. You can’t comply with “don’t think of elephants.” What you do is to make goals that are incompatible with what you don’t want to do. If you don’t want to think about elephants, you tell yourself something like “think of predators.” You cannot comply with “don’t be like Dad.” You can comply with “be the husband I want my daughters to have.” What they see in you is what they will look for in a man.
I would also not say “don’t dress like a tramp.” I’d say, “Be willing to dress modestly as a way to show your quality–Ferraris are not given bumper stickers and fuzzy dice. You, my dear, are a Ferrari, a thing of beauty. You have far more danger of diminishing your beauty than ever adding to it, so show that you are secure in your sense of personal beauty. Go for quality, yes, but don’t overdo it. Guys who want to take advantage of women look for those who are trying too hard to impress, because they think you won’t look out for your own interests. Guys who want a strong woman look for one who takes care of herself but doesn’t try too hard to impress.”
They’re probably going to keep the navel rings. There is no sin in them,
per se. You are free to have your opinion about them, but let that one go with the premise that you hope they’ll be more careful about your feelings in the future. I would say, “I’ll let you keep them because your mother said yes”–here you are showing that you decided to be in solidarity with their mom, even though you could have theoretically insisted the navel rings had to go–“but I hope you’ll think more about my feelings, too, the next time you have a decision like this. I would think more of you if you had at least tried to persuade me, instead of going behind my back.” (this shows that what you really want is a discussion and to be included in decision-making, not absolute power to dictate everything to everybody else in the family.)
