Planning a future with a non-Catholic...or not?

[jmcrae]

To give some cause for thought. I find some of the comments and the prejudices toward non Catholics, very much aligned with much of the worst of our history. Atrocities against one another, that were based on a principle, that not all men were created equal.

There is a huge difference between respecting the people next door and letting them go to Church where ever they want, or contracept if they want to, and having to fight with your spouse over where you will be going to Church each Sunday, and whether you will be contracepting this month, or tonight.

It’s important in marriage to begin with as many things in common as possible. The only thing that actually needs to be opposite, is you need to be opposite sexes. That’s all the opposite you really need.

 

[Minenedanielito]

You can’t force someone to be Catholic or any other religion for that matter! and you shouldn’t leave the Catholic Church to please someone either. it looks like he has no desire in becoming Catholic and it looks like you really don’t want to leave the Catholic Church so I think you have already answered your own question. I tried having a relationship with a non-Catholic and it did not turn out well. I was constantly hearing anti-Catholic bashing and I did not like it. it actually started getting on my nerves. I realized that I really wanted to marry a Catholic and raise my children as Catholics.

 

[heidi_storage]

If you take your religion seriously, it is going to inform every sphere of your life, and sometimes will bring you in direct opposition with your mate. You’ve already seen this with NFP. You cannot go into a relationship thinking that the other person is going to change; he might, but he might not, and if he does not your life together will be filled with conflict. If children enter the picture, it just gets more complicated, and you really need to pull together to raise children!

From what you’ve said, it appears that your boyfriend is putting up with the Catholic thing to please you. This isn’t a good foundation for marriage, in my opinion.

 

[fontgoddess]

I don’t think a marriage between a Catholic and a non-Catholic is necessarily doomed, any more than that a marriage between two supposedly faithful Catholics is guaranteed to succeed. I’ve seen more than a few of both go down in flames.

HOWEVER, you are already wise enough to see some of the main issues. You cannot assume, although you can hope and pray, that he will convert. If he doesn’t, are you OK with going to Mass alone and taking your children to Mass on your own? NFP is a huge issue. It’s hard even for couples that agree about it and are committed to it. You might find yourself under huge pressure to go on ABC to keep the peace. Or, he might go and get himself sterilized without your approval. How would that make you feel?

The biggest thing to consider is, does he pull you away from your faith? This can be a very subtle thing. He can say he respects your faith and still undermine it just with his attitude. I’ve been there.

You’re pretty young still, and years away from marriage yet. You have time to consider all these things carefully, as you are already doing. The most important part of discernment is prayer, though. Spend some time in front of the Blessed Sacrament, ask for guidance, and really listen for the answer.

 

[PatienceAndLove]

My boyfriend and I started dating in September 2012, our first semester of college. We lived on the same floor of our dorm building, so we spent all of our free time together and got very serious very quickly. I was his first kiss and first girlfriend, and I had just gotten out of a year-long relationship the preceding summer.

Lately, we have begun talking about the future more seriously than we ever had before. He knows that I’m Catholic and that I’m strong in my faith, but until now I don’t think he fully understood the implications of that.

He doesn’t want to get married until he has graduated from college. I agree. He doesn’t want to have children until he has all of his student loans (around $36,000) paid off. I’m not so sure about that. He doesn’t want to use natural family planning because he doesn’t trust it (I pointed out that my parents used it, and he pointed out that my parents ended up with six children, one of whom was born when both were in their forties). I have a problem with that.

He comes to Mass with me every once in a while, usually after much pleading on my part, but he wasn’t raised in a faithful home. He believes in God, but he doesn’t know the Lord’s Prayer. I’m getting scared that I will have to sacrifice our future together. I don’t know how to make him understand how important these things are to me.

I tried to loan him a book about the Catholic faith, but he said he would read it only if I read a book he had suggested to me that I wasn’t interested in. I don’t know what else to do without scaring him off. To someone raised without organized religion, talking to a priest can be a little daunting. Does anyone have any other ideas?

Sounds like my ex-husband (from whom I am now, thankfully annulled). I recommend that you disentangle yourself from this young man, and quickly. The more time you spend with him, the more your hearts become entwined. Please, for the sake of your sanity- leave the relationship

 

[steph410]

Speaking from experience, I would break it off and find a Catholic to marry. You will face so many problems, in my opinion, it is too stressful and not worth it. I see many red flags. Sorry to be blunt, but you want a harmonious successful marriage, not one that is a constant battle and which will possibly eventually fail altogether.

My boyfriend and I started dating in September 2012, our first semester of college. We lived on the same floor of our dorm building, so we spent all of our free time together and got very serious very quickly. I was his first kiss and first girlfriend, and I had just gotten out of a year-long relationship the preceding summer.

Lately, we have begun talking about the future more seriously than we ever had before. He knows that I’m Catholic and that I’m strong in my faith, but until now I don’t think he fully understood the implications of that.

He doesn’t want to get married until he has graduated from college. I agree. He doesn’t want to have children until he has all of his student loans (around $36,000) paid off. I’m not so sure about that. He doesn’t want to use natural family planning because he doesn’t trust it (I pointed out that my parents used it, and he pointed out that my parents ended up with six children, one of whom was born when both were in their forties). I have a problem with that.

He comes to Mass with me every once in a while, usually after much pleading on my part, but he wasn’t raised in a faithful home. He believes in God, but he doesn’t know the Lord’s Prayer. I’m getting scared that I will have to sacrifice our future together. I don’t know how to make him understand how important these things are to me.

I tried to loan him a book about the Catholic faith, but he said he would read it only if I read a book he had suggested to me that I wasn’t interested in. I don’t know what else to do without scaring him off. To someone raised without organized religion, talking to a priest can be a little daunting. Does anyone have any other ideas?

 

[Cojuanco]

My boyfriend and I started dating in September 2012, our first semester of college. We lived on the same floor of our dorm building, so we spent all of our free time together and got very serious very quickly. I was his first kiss and first girlfriend, and I had just gotten out of a year-long relationship the preceding summer.

Lately, we have begun talking about the future more seriously than we ever had before. He knows that I’m Catholic and that I’m strong in my faith, but until now I don’t think he fully understood the implications of that.

He doesn’t want to get married until he has graduated from college. I agree. He doesn’t want to have children until he has all of his student loans (around $36,000) paid off. I’m not so sure about that. He doesn’t want to use natural family planning because he doesn’t trust it (I pointed out that my parents used it, and he pointed out that my parents ended up with six children, one of whom was born when both were in their forties). I have a problem with that.

He comes to Mass with me every once in a while, usually after much pleading on my part, but he wasn’t raised in a faithful home. He believes in God, but he doesn’t know the Lord’s Prayer. I’m getting scared that I will have to sacrifice our future together. I don’t know how to make him understand how important these things are to me.

I tried to loan him a book about the Catholic faith, but he said he would read it only if I read a book he had suggested to me that I wasn’t interested in. I don’t know what else to do without scaring him off. To someone raised without organized religion, talking to a priest can be a little daunting. Does anyone have any other ideas?

The Church naturally discourages marrying non-Catholics for this very reason. True, she also grants dispensations, but on a case-by-case basis.

I’m not going to necessarily say break off with your boyfriend. But I just want you to think, long and hard, because you know him and I don’t - will he really respect my right to practice my faith (this includes Mass, and not using the Pill unless it’s for a non-family-planning reason, or baptizing your children, or raising them Catholic)? Does he agree to support you in raising your children as Catholics - and I mean practicing ones? Do you see him doing that? If not, I will point out the Church would be reluctant to witness your potential nuptials in the first place.

Now you have that information, I advise you to talk to your priest, alone if necessary, and try to work this out.

 

[jmcrae]

The Church naturally discourages marrying non-Catholics for this very reason. True, she also grants dispensations, but on a case-by-case basis.

I’m not going to necessarily say break off with your boyfriend. But I just want you to think, long and hard, because you know him and I don’t - will he really respect my right to practice my faith (this includes Mass, and not using the Pill unless it’s for a non-family-planning reason, or baptizing your children, or raising them Catholic)? Does he agree to support you in raising your children as Catholics - and I mean practicing ones? Do you see him doing that? If not, I will point out the Church would be reluctant to witness your potential nuptials in the first place.

Now you have that information, I advise you to talk to your priest, alone if necessary, and try to work this out.

Better question: If you were to get stranded on a deserted island, separated from him and your children, with little or no hope of ever seeing them again, would he be faithful to raise them as good, practicing Catholics? If you were later rescued and reunited with them as adults, would they be raising their own children to be active, practicing Catholics?

If not, then he is not the man you should choose to be the father of your children.

 

[Cojuanco]

Better question: If you were to get stranded on a deserted island, separated from him and your children, with little or no hope of ever seeing them again, would he be faithful to raise them as good, practicing Catholics? If you were later rescued and reunited with them as adults, would they be raising their own children to be active, practicing Catholics?

If not, then he is not the man you should choose to be the father of your children.

Which is why the Church still exacts certain promises from the non-Catholic as a condition of marriage. If you see him not breaking that sort of promise, then I say run, don’t walk away from the relationship, because even from a secular point of view he would have no honor.

 

[JMatthewA]

You cannot be validly married to someone who uses contraception in the Catholic religion. You wouldn’t even need an annulment to start dating someone else if you get “married” to him while he’s for contraception you would never have actually been married in the eyes of the Catholic Church. Catholic Church law states:

"Catholic Church Canon Law 1095.1 The following are incapable of contracting marriage:

Catholic Church Canon Law 1095.1.1 those who lack sufficient use of reason;

Catholic Church Canon Law 1095.1.2 those who suffer from a grave lack of discretionary judgement concerning the essential matrimonial rights and obligations to be mutually given and accepted;

Catholic Church Canon Law 1095.1.3 those who, because of causes of a psychological nature, are unable to assume the essential obligations of marriage.

Catholic Church Canon Law 1096.1 For matrimonial consent to exist, it is necessary that the contracting parties be at least not ignorant of the fact that marriage is a permanent partnership between a man and a woman, ordered to the procreation of children through some form of sexual cooperation."

 

[Cojuanco]

You cannot be validly married to someone who uses contraception in the Catholic religion. You wouldn’t even need an annulment to start dating someone else if you get “married” to him while he’s for contraception you would never have actually been married in the eyes of the Catholic Church. Catholic Church law states:

Ah, but that’s if the parties got married with the expectation that they would always use devices or medicaments for contraceptive purposes.