Planning Trip to Parents' House in a Few Months - and avoiding Minefields

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My brother is getting married in November. My parents (and other siblings) live on the West Coast (USA), my husband and I and our kids live on the East. As of right now we’re planning a 10-day stay, to help with last minute wedding details and then to visit after the wedding, since we don’t see each other that often.

We actually just wrapped up a short (3 day) visit with them, and it brought to mind some of the things we’re going to have to figure out how to handle when we’re there (this time, they came here):
  1. Screen time. My father, especially, but really everyone in my family, does nothing for leisure but watch TV, piddle around on the computer, or smartphone, frequently simultaneously. We are supposed to be visiting, but we’re really just all sitting in the same room doing our own thing. I am not opposed to these things on a limited basis but it bummed me out to see my kids asking their grandfather to play and being refused, when he only gets to see them once or twice a year. What I did for this visit was to plan a few specific trips out to the park and then one evening after the kids went to bed, my husband pulled out a puzzle for us to all do (my mom enthusiastically agreed, my dad refused and played around on Facebook the whole time). How can I bring that to “their” turf? Can I? The last time I went there, it was just me and my oldest son as an infant, and I asked about getting out of the house only to be told that there “really isn’t anywhere to go” (far from true, they live in the metro area for a big city with lots of cultural activities.) This time we’ll be renting a car so we can go without them, but that just seems so sad to me.
  2. Cleanliness. Both my mom and dad have had hoarding issues. One of my sisters moved back in with my parents after finishing college, and she has been pushing to clear out some of the junk before we arrive (we’ll actually be staying in her room, which will most likely be the cleanest room in the house). If the house is in the condition it was the last time I visited, it will not be safe for my children - not just stuff that is messy that kids could get into, but layers and layers of dust, small chokable pieces of who knows what on the floor, and really, really gross bathrooms. I want to be delicate, but firm. We are saving extra if we have to stay in a hotel, but I don’t even like to think about the drama that decision would generate.
There are other things, but these are the main things that would affect the visit.

Part of me is thinking I should just cut the trip shorter. We haven’t bought the tickets yet. My parents have offered to pay part of the airfare because I have been using the high cost of travel to avoid visiting them out there. I love them, but they drive me batty, and it’s worse when it’s at their house.

Any suggestions for treading lightly but still making the most of the visit?
 
Do we have the same parents? Mine are very similar in terms of 1) horrible house crud (decade-old cobwebs and cat hair sticking to said cobwebs, plus lots of dead bugs) and 2) not very good at actually engaging with the grandkids or planning a visit, even though they like the IDEA of grandkids a lot. On a visit a couple years ago, I found myself cleaning their guest bath at 10 PM (after we arrived) because there was so much kitty litter on the floor and the bath was unusable and there was no clean place to set my toothbrush on the bathroom counter.

I once gave an ultimatum (not bringing the kids to stay with them until they do something about it) and they actually did a huge purge with help from a friend. It was SO much better the next visit. There’s going to be so much stress with the wedding that I wouldn’t suggest that approach this visit, but it is a possibility. I also gave my dad a copy of FlyLady’s book and made some encouraging noises about hiring a cleaner (I have one twice a month). I think a lot of people think “We don’t need a cleaner, because we COULD clean it,” but the truth is that they are never going to do it themselves.

I suggest for now:
  1. shortening your visit
  2. arriving early enough in the day to do some emergency cleaning as you settle in for the night
  3. not making any assumptions about what kind of bed is available for the kids (ASK!)
  4. gaming out exactly what your itinerary is going to look like
Interestingly, my parents have been MUCH better when we do little road trips together. There’s something about being home that encourages them to curl up with the TV and hibernate.

Best wishes!
 
If the situation was just cluttery/dusty at your parents I guess you could put up with it for awhile. But if it is truly a dangerous situation…chokable items within reach of small children, etc. … then it sounds like the best thing to do is shorten the visit and stay in a hotel. If there is drama, oh well…better than the drama of a call to 911 or a visit to the emergency room with one of your kids.

I would not let my parents pay part of the airfare, as this will make you feel indebted to them to do as they wish during the visit.

If you are close enough to either of your parents to have a heart-to-heart talk, you could try talking to them beforehand and discuss the things you mentioned. Only you know how that would go over!

Plan some fun activities for your family while you are there and invite the parents to go with you.
 
I have experienced number one with my inlaws as well. They want us to visit, but they don’t like to “do stuff”. It ends with us spending our whole vacation sitting on the sofa watching TV. Our solution is to stay in a hotel and to inform the family that we can be found at the waterpark, if they want to see us and the baby. We also make plans to go out for a meal with those who can be bothered. We do make special trips to see DH’s grandmas though, since it is difficult for them to get out.
 
I agree with shortening the trip and staying in a hotel. Maybe then you can plan a few outings out of the house and invite them to come with you. If you have a motel/hotel with a pool maybe they can come visit the kids swimming and have a lunch or dinner out.

Mary.
 
Hotel, hotel, hotel.

I would simply tell your parents that it is “easier for everyone” if you stay at a hotel.

My in-laws were similar in that they never did anything. To them, putting my young son on the computer in another room while the adults watched a movie in the living room was a grand thing to do for the day. They also thought that leaving all of the breakables out was a good idea. Which would have been fine, if the poor child had something to do. 🤷

So, we never stayed there.

We also made plans for the visit. If we wanted to go see other people, we would plan that ahead of time. Same with the water park or museum.

We would make sure to have plenty of time just visiting, but we tried to do it where our son had something to do.
 
I am sorry, but I would not have my kids there if it is that dirty or dangerous. Frankly, it sounds like your parents need some professional help and you are not the one to give that to them.

I know money may be an issue, but if you could shorten your stay and book a hotel I would do so. Plan on some public activities and call it done. If you parents house is dirty enough or unsafe enough you need to contact social services for a welfare check and let them handle it.
 
maryjk said:
My in-laws were similar in that they never did anything. To them, putting my young son on the computer in another room while the adults watched a movie in the living room was a grand thing to do for the day. They also thought that leaving all of the breakables out was a good idea. Which would have been fine, if the poor child had something to do. 🤷
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Oh, yeah. One of my relatives complained that her mom’s idea of spending time with the grandson was to put in a DVD for the kid and do her stuff. (Whereas, as we all know, that’s purely a parental perogative.:))

In that particular case, the grandparents and the daughter, son-in-law and grandson lived half a mile from each other and the grandparents never actively tried to spend time with the grandkid or plan activities with him. And then, some years later, when he was a very big tween, the grandparents were complaining about how the son-in-law was keeping the grandkid away from them and they never got to see grandkid…I wound up mediating that one and made everybody mad by explaining to each side what the other had been telling me. That has had a happy ending though–I get the feeling that everybody is doing much better now and spending more time with each other. At least neither side is complaining to me anymore. Win!

My in-laws, on the other hand, have an immaculate home. For a number of years, I struggled with visits with small children to their home where the in-laws obviously wanted their home kept immaculate and we were trapped indoors for days (stinky Pacific Northwest winter weather and nothing in easy walking distance and no transportation). I’ve since realized that we made some tactical mistakes. Ideally, we would have had our own transportation (my husband and I weren’t driving at the time) and we would have had an itinerary and discussed plans in advance with the in-laws, but I didn’t think of that at the time. The in-laws lived an hour or two from one of the West Coasts most famous cities, and yet I think I’ve only visited downtown 2 or 3 times with the kids. Such an awful waste of opportunities.

I’ve taken a break from visits to the in-laws for a while (my husband has been taking the big kids one or two at a time and I don’t believe in air travel with 1-3 year olds–it’s an expensive way to be miserable), but once I get back to doing it again, I should make sure that we have transportation and an itinerary and I think I will NEVER travel to see my in-laws when my husband is taking a working vacation. It’s just too horrible to try to entertain small children in somebody else’s house for a week. And, frankly, I’m sure grandma and grandpa aren’t crazy about it either.
 
I agree with others who suggest a hotel and a shorter visit. There are many hotels now that have full kitchens and separate bedrooms which would make your stay easier. Don’t put your kids in that potentially dangerous house and don’t let your parents make you feel guilty for it either. Your responsibility is to your own family. 👍
 
pensmama87 said:
My brother is getting married in November. My parents (and other siblings) live on the West Coast (USA), my husband and I and our kids live on the East. As of right now we’re planning a 10-day stay, to help with last minute wedding details and then to visit after the wedding, since we don’t see each other that often.

We actually just wrapped up a short (3 day) visit with them, and it brought to mind some of the things we’re going to have to figure out how to handle when we’re there (this time, they came here):
  1. Screen time. My father, especially, but really everyone in my family, does nothing for leisure but watch TV, piddle around on the computer, or smartphone, frequently simultaneously. We are supposed to be visiting, but we’re really just all sitting in the same room doing our own thing. I am not opposed to these things on a limited basis but it bummed me out to see my kids asking their grandfather to play and being refused, when he only gets to see them once or twice a year. What I did for this visit was to plan a few specific trips out to the park and then one evening after the kids went to bed, my husband pulled out a puzzle for us to all do (my mom enthusiastically agreed, my dad refused and played around on Facebook the whole time). How can I bring that to “their” turf? Can I? The last time I went there, it was just me and my oldest son as an infant, and I asked about getting out of the house only to be told that there “really isn’t anywhere to go” (far from true, they live in the metro area for a big city with lots of cultural activities.) This time we’ll be renting a car so we can go without them, but that just seems so sad to me.
  2. Cleanliness. Both my mom and dad have had hoarding issues. One of my sisters moved back in with my parents after finishing college, and she has been pushing to clear out some of the junk before we arrive (we’ll actually be staying in her room, which will most likely be the cleanest room in the house). If the house is in the condition it was the last time I visited, it will not be safe for my children - not just stuff that is messy that kids could get into, but layers and layers of dust, small chokable pieces of who knows what on the floor, and really, really gross bathrooms. I want to be delicate, but firm. We are saving extra if we have to stay in a hotel, but I don’t even like to think about the drama that decision would generate.
There are other things, but these are the main things that would affect the visit.

Part of me is thinking I should just cut the trip shorter. We haven’t bought the tickets yet. My parents have offered to pay part of the airfare because I have been using the high cost of travel to avoid visiting them out there. I love them, but they drive me batty, and it’s worse when it’s at their house.

Any suggestions for treading lightly but still making the most of the visit?
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LOL! Except for the messy house, this describes a visit to my in-laws. For sure get the car and plan a few activities for the family while you are there; you can invite your parents along, but if they refuse, go anyway and have a great time; it was their choice to miss it. They don’t go out much, but my in laws do enjoy a restaurant once in a while, you could invite your parents out to eat at the end of the your visit. My father in law sat glued to the TV every time we visited (on very rare occasions from half way across the country) and hardly ever spoke to anyone, not even my husband. We let him alone and my daughter won him over after a few days. I think he felt uncomfortable with so many people in the house, even though we were family. You could bring a can of cleanser and some disinfectant wipes with you and go over the bathroom when you first arrive. If someone says anything just tell them child X made a mess in there and you felt it was your responsibility to clean it up. I love the wipes and always take them with me when we travel!
 
For the first time, summer, we got a hotel room when we visited my in-laws. Their house is immaculate but the beds are awful, the rooms have no privacy. It was worth every cent although my MIL was a teeny bit put out at first but they are getting so old that she didn’t really put up a fuss.
Best thing we ever did.👍
 
I would stay in a hotel if the cleanliness and lack of outside activity bothered me.
I don’t think it is appropriate to speak to them about it. They have probably been living like this for awhile and like it that way. People have different ideas of cleanliness and what is acceptable, so unless you offer to clean the place for them, I don’t see this kind of discussion going anywhere. What you describe in terms of interaction is how I would describe my entire childhood - in other words, being close to someone meant being in the say room with them, not interacting. I think your parents should make an effort to interact with their grandchildren, but if they don’t, well, it’s the grandparents’ loss. You can probably suggest some things, but if they are not open to doing anything, nothing else you can do except go out on your own.
 
Dear OP,

From what you describe, there don’t seem to be any issues of your folks being abusive or undermining you with your kids. Other posters have given really good ideas about the cleanliness issue. I won’t retread.

Your Dad might be depressed, or he might simply be tired. Some people don’t know what to say to kids, or they’re not good at planning cool things to do. It sounds like he’s fond of them, just sort of clueless. Or maybe he’s sort of an introvert, anyway.

It is disappointing when relationships aren’t as good as they could be–not bad or abusive, just sort of a let down.

I don’t have anything profound to add, just wanted to toss that out there.
 
DaisymaeD said:
Dear OP,

From what you describe, there don’t seem to be any issues of your folks being abusive or undermining you with your kids. Other posters have given really good ideas about the cleanliness issue. I won’t retread.

Your Dad might be depressed, or he might simply be tired. Some people don’t know what to say to kids, or they’re not good at planning cool things to do. It sounds like he’s fond of them, just sort of clueless. Or maybe he’s sort of an introvert, anyway.

It is disappointing when relationships aren’t as good as they could be–not bad or abusive, just sort of a let down.

I don’t have anything profound to add, just wanted to toss that out there.
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To add another view, when you’re not around children all the time, you often don’t know what to do. I’m single, no children – but I do have 14 nieces and nephews. The few times I’ve had them by myself, I struggle with things to do with them. Luckily I have friends to ask for ideas. But it’s a very different lifestyle when you aren’t surrounded by children on a daily basis.
 
Aggie414 said:
To add another view, when you’re not around children all the time, you often don’t know what to do. I’m single, no children – but I do have 14 nieces and nephews. The few times I’ve had them by myself, I struggle with things to do with them. Luckily I have friends to ask for ideas. But it’s a very different lifestyle when you aren’t surrounded by children on a daily basis.
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It’s kind of mind-blowing from a grandparent, though, particularly if they are grandparents who may have pushed hard for grandkids.

I think some people just forget how to be around kids. Or, they may not ever have been good around kids.
 
Xantippe said:
I think some people just forget how to be around kids.
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This!!! They’re older, sounds like they might be a bit of a hoarder – which is a mental disorder.

However, the OP knows how they are. Going there and expecting things to be different and the way it SHOULD be is only going to make the OP crazy. If they choose to go, get a hotel – or check out a site like VRBO.com where they could possible get a small condo with a lot more room for the same price. That way they’ll each have their space but can still enjoy each other’s company.
 
Xantippe said:
It’s kind of mind-blowing from a grandparent, though, particularly if they are grandparents who may have pushed hard for grandkids.

I think some people just forget how to be around kids. Or, they may not ever have been good around kids.
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Yup. That’s my dad. He loves the idea of being a doting, loving father and grandfather, but he’s never really been able to put it together.

Thinking back, growing up I wanted to go out and do things too, but nothing has changed. My parents sat around and watched TV all the time (in the days before Internet), and we were always expected to amuse ourselves. Not that that’s bad for kids to know how to independently play, but I guess I had forgotten. This is really the first time they’ve visited that my oldest isn’t a baby, so it seems like they’re at a loss for what to do. I know I can’t change them, but it’s frustrating. I don’t think that the way they behave is healthy. It is sad to watch, even though growing up it was my normal.

I do like the suggestions so far. My husband and I have begun looking around to find some fun activities for the kids while we’re there and we’ll invite my parents to come if they want. We’re also looking at area hotels. My mom had mentioned some specific concrete things she had done to clean up the house, which I did find encouraging (she can’t fake getting rid of the 50-inch broken TV that had been serving as a TV stand for a newer one :rolleyes:). My sister also knows my concerns and can be discreet about letting me know if the house will be safe or not. It’s never been in a state where it would be condemned (maybe that’s the image others are conjuring up), but it’s definitely not the kind of place I’d want kids sitting and breathing air for a long time, especially since they have two pets that are not always cleaned up well after.

I’ll pray for them, too. The only really important thing in their lives is their stuff, and I’d love for their hearts to be opened to something more than that.
 
pensmama87 said:
I do like the suggestions so far. My husband and I have begun looking around to find some fun activities for the kids while we’re there and we’ll invite my parents to come if they want. We’re also looking at area hotels. My mom had mentioned some specific concrete things she had done to clean up the house, which I did find encouraging (she can’t fake getting rid of the 50-inch broken TV that had been serving as a TV stand for a newer one :rolleyes:). My sister also knows my concerns and can be discreet about letting me know if the house will be safe or not. It’s never been in a state where it would be condemned (maybe that’s the image others are conjuring up), but it’s definitely not the kind of place I’d want kids sitting and breathing air for a long time, especially since they have two pets that are not always cleaned up well after.

I’ll pray for them, too. The only really important thing in their lives is their stuff, and I’d love for their hearts to be opened to something more than that.
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Your ideas all sound very good. The broken 50-inch TV as TV stand is awesome, in a sad kind of way.

I forgot if I mentioned upthread my story of arriving at my parents’ home late at night with a preschooler in tow, only to find that there was a BB gun left out right at the preschooler’s eye-level and well within reach in the room that had been selected for us…
 
pensmama87 said:
Yup. That’s my dad. He loves the idea of being a doting, loving father and grandfather, but he’s never really been able to put it together.

Thinking back, growing up I wanted to go out and do things too, but nothing has changed. My parents sat around and watched TV all the time (in the days before Internet), and we were always expected to amuse ourselves. Not that that’s bad for kids to know how to independently play, but I guess I had forgotten. This is really the first time they’ve visited that my oldest isn’t a baby, so it seems like they’re at a loss for what to do. I know I can’t change them, but it’s frustrating. I don’t think that the way they behave is healthy. It is sad to watch, even though growing up it was my normal.

I do like the suggestions so far. My husband and I have begun looking around to find some fun activities for the kids while we’re there and we’ll invite my parents to come if they want. We’re also looking at area hotels. My mom had mentioned some specific concrete things she had done to clean up the house, which I did find encouraging (she can’t fake getting rid of the 50-inch broken TV that had been serving as a TV stand for a newer one :rolleyes:). My sister also knows my concerns and can be discreet about letting me know if the house will be safe or not. It’s never been in a state where it would be condemned (maybe that’s the image others are conjuring up), but it’s definitely not the kind of place I’d want kids sitting and breathing air for a long time, especially since they have two pets that are not always cleaned up well after.

I’ll pray for them, too. The only really important thing in their lives is their stuff, and I’d love for their hearts to be opened to something more than that.
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OP, check www.VRBO.com. It lists private homes/apartments for rent. I’ve used them several times – both in the states and in Europe. You can usually find an apartment/condo for rent which will give you space – and usually it’s a fully-equipped kitchen which will help you with the cost – can do some of your meals there as well as give you some space.

It is very sad that your parents are the way they are, but some people just are. It’s their loss. Just do the best you can – give them opportunities. It’s up to them to accept them. Make the best of what you have and find things to do with your family to have fun. It’s a great teachable moment for your kids!!!
 
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