third_servant:
For me, it is not what “I project” that affects me negatively, it is the terrible things that befall me that affect me negatively.
I think that maybe you and I are in the same boat, thirdservant. I am having a lot of difficultites in life right now. For years. I’ve read so much about suffering being good for us because it helps purify us or makes us stronger, but that does not always help bring consolation. I’m not a world leader. Why do I need to be this “strong,” according to such logic?
I feel like in every aspect God has made me completely helpless to do anything with my life either to help myself or even to bring him any sort of assistance in creating his “kingdom on this earth.” I think about the parable of the vine, and how we should be using ourselves somehow to bring fruit to others, but I don’t seem to be able to do that with any of the resources/ talents he supposedly has given me.
I pray and pray and pray, and try my best to keep my hope in God. I would be lying if I said I always succeeded with the hope part. I have been looking for a permanent job for over two years now. Every project I have worked on has been terminated due to lack of funding, or moved overseas for cheaper resources. I don’t know what is wrong with me.
In the beginning I use to pray for help with specific projects, or career prospects. Now I just pray for guidance. Telling God that he always gives us options some where, but to please just let me see what he wants me to do with my life, and still I am seeing no options.
I am not looking for wealth. I am looking only for a way to meet my student loan paymetns, rent, and hopefully at some time the available medical treatment so that I can try to regain some of the vision back he took away with a freak eye infection a year ago (that has made me very injury prone for reasons known only to him). To be at a place where I can some how plan for the future again. Like some one whom I have not seen in years, but care very much for will be in New York city in June. I can’t say that it will be possible to meet this person. I don’t know where I will be living next month, let alone June. I don’t know if I’ll have moeny for food then, let alone travel.
Ideally I would like a career that somehow helps people, but I would not even dare to ask God for a specific type of opportunity.I feel like the Israelites stuck wandering in the desert. Except at least they had the word of God through Moses and they knew there was some sort of final destination better than where there were.
And I have not been worshipping idols or disobeying God’s commands, but I have no idea what he wants of me and I have been begging for this simple insight. I went to mass yesterday and when the priest started the homily about the importance of leaving one’s self open to God’s will (based on a reading in Numbers), and it made me cry so much. Because here I have been begging God for so long to let me know what I am suppose to take from all this pain, and where he wants me to go from here, but I hear no answer. I will pray for you. Please pray for me.