Please Help! I want a divorce!

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Please excuse the length of this post. I have been reading different threads on marriage problems from this site but just need to get some advice. I feel so alone right now.

I would like to start this off by saying that the only reason I am sharing the personal matters of my life is so that you will understand my reasons for wanting a divorce. For 15 years I have kept things hidden, made excuses, and even lied about about my marriage. Not for any underhanded reason, but because I felt it was no ones business and I had a hope that my husband would change so that telling the truth about our marriage would only make others think of him badly. Because if he did change then I didn’t want outsiders to have a bad opinion of him for the rest of his life if that makes sense.

To start out with I will freely admit that during our courtship I had definite ideas on the kind of man I wanted to marry. I wanted first and foremost for him to love me, not cheat on me, be a good father to my daughter, be strong and reliable, and be someone who shared my interests as well as fulfilled my sexual needs. When I met my husband I had just gotten out of a relationship with a highly abusive (mentally) man. I fell in love very fast but looking back I know I was pretty desperate and needed to feel valued. I pursued my husband from the first, and I mean REALLY pursued him. Big warning flag to me now!

A little back story. I am a baptized Catholic but never attended after about age 12. My parents were baptized Catholics but never attended, prayed, or talked about God in our home. My Grandmothers took me to Mass when I visited them. I have just returned to the church 4 months ago. My husband was raised in a highly abusive home. His parents were drug users and alcoholics. He has been married before, and had no experience with the Catholic church.

I didn’t look to hard at my husband or his family as my future husband, I didn’t evaluate all the troubles he had with his ex-wife, the fact that he still let her create constant drama in his life, even now, or that he let her do very cruel things to his children without him stepping in because he “Didn’t want to make her mad”. I also didn’t think about the fact that Dan’s parents have a completely dysfunctional relationship and that he would probably carry that into our marriage. I was after all only 19. I had no older people advising me about relationships or the seriousness of marriage and how you should be really careful about who you marry. I was romantically in love and ignored all the warning flags because I thought

A.He would change

B.I could make him change

C.He wouldn’t be like his family
 
The trouble with our marriage started almost immediately. His ex wife was making our lives hell with the constant cruelty and neglect of his son. At the time he was only 3 but he would come and tell us things all the time that were very concerning not to mention being filthy in torn up clothes and underfed. I would point them out to MH and say that it was something that he needed to talk to the ex wife about but he didn’t want to . Watching the neglect and abuse was heartbreaking for me. I handled it badly and nagged trying to get him to defend his son. This was not helpful as it only caused conflict in our marriage.

Soon after our marriage his ex wife approached him about letting her husband adopt the boys. The second child is his second son by ex wife who he never had any relationship with because at first he was unsure if he was the father. After that even with me asking if he wanted to have visitation and that was fine with me he always had an excuse as to why he didn’t want to have visits. This led to more conflict because I felt that as he was the boys father he should step up and BE his father. I researched ways that we could get more custody but MH took no interest in them. I showed him how he could proceed legally but it was not something I could do, he would have to. That led nowhere. We fought constantly about his ex, all about the boys. I just couldn’t understand why he didn’t stand up to her. his son would come over scared and tell us that his mommy told him that the boogy man lived at our house. She would tell the poor kid right as he was walking out the door of her house that while he was gone with daddy they would be going to all sorts of fun places. Soon he was throwing up from being upset. Still MH did nothing, he wouldn’t talk to her. He said it was pointless, but I told him at least then he could say that he TRIED to work out the problem. He started making excuses for not taking his son, saying it would only upset him.

As the ex kept asking to let her husband adopt the boys I tried to not influence MH. I just said he needed to make a decision one way or another. Finally he did and let the adoption take place. His reason was that with him out of the picture his ex would stop torturing the boys about him.

Immediately after the adoption MH went dead. He was severely depressed and that has lasted till now, 15 years later. For months he wouldn’t have sex with me. I would initiate sex but he would tell me he was tired, sore, sick, or not in the mood. After every rejection I felt worse and worse about myself. I thought that it was my fault, I was ugly, fat, mean, a horrible person and that’s why he rejected me. Soon the rejections got so painful that I stopped asking. The few times we had sex was when I wanted to get pregnant so I pretty much told him he had no choice. He was fine with having more children so he went along with it. Soon I noticed that we didn’t even talk, or at least he wouldn’t talk to me. If I didn’t talk we wouldn’t talk at all. I tried to discuss this with him, asked him what was going on. To please just tell me what I was doing wrong but he would shut down even further and stay that way for weeks after any sort of confrontation. I found out at this time that he was viewing porn. This was so hurtful that he would watch porn but not touch me.
 
Also he has never shared his feelings or thoughts with me and still doesn’t. I have asked him that I would like him to share what he feels and thinks or plans or dreams but he never has. I have never felt close emotionally to him since our courting. But then I think I viewed him through rose tinted glasses because he was the same person then as he is now.

During this time we struggled horribly financially. I babysat and worked a night job for awhile to try to make ends meet. Soon I was getting no sleep and was very depressed about our marriage. I quit my night job because I couldn’t handle it, being pregnant with my third child, nursing our second child who was 8 months old at night, and taking care of the children and the house during the day.

After our third child was born life became a blur. I was totally exhausted every day and our marriage problems persisted. We were broke and never went out on dates or even out for alone time because we had no money for a babysitter. We didn’t talk unless I initiated it. Our sex life was DOA. He routinely forgot my birthday, valentines day, Christmas (just for me not the kids), and anniversaries. Even when I would remind him a week beforehand he still “forgot”. It was very hurtful to me. I would talk to him about it and ask him how he could “forget” with me reminding him. I explained to him how much it hurt me. This would usually end in a fight and him shutting me out for a couple of weeks. Later he admitted that he didn’t forget at all. That he purposely ignored those few special days because he was angry at me over the adoption. He also freely admitted that the reason he didn’t have sex with me was because of his anger at me for the same reason. During this time I started using food as a way to numb the pain and depression. We went to counseling a few times but couldn’t afford more.

Now I have to clarify something and would first like to say that what I am about to divulge is very personal. But I feel that to appreciate how hurtful to our marriage his denial of intimacy was you have to understand something about me. Most people assume that women are perfectly ok without having sex. That they don’t care whether they have it or not. But I have ALWAYS enjoyed sex. To feel satisfied sexually I would say I need to be intimate with my husband 3 times a week. More would be nice. That is just to feel satisfied sexually. This does not include how important sex can be for women to feel close and loved by their man. I am very open about this with MH. I had told him from the start that denying me sex was really hurting our marriage, but it never changed. Ever since he gave the boys up for adoption we have been going through this sexual dysfunction. The only time we have sex is if I mention that it has been so many weeks/months since our last time. Then we will do it once and go back to not doing it at all. I end up being sexually frustrated most of the time which is very dangerous. I have never cheated on him, but have told him about my feelings.

Over the years our marriage has gone down hill. He has lost several jobs because he can’t seem to get along with any one at work. At every job it is the same story of the people there not liking him. The anxiety of him losing his job, or telling me that he has to quit has been very hard on me. I am a stay at home mom so his income was usually our only income. We have had to move several times because of needing a new job which has been exhausting as I have to do all the planning and initiating. and also very hard emotionally for me as just as I am making friends we end up moving.

I felt more and more pressure to earn money as MH would put us into debt for new toolboxes, tools, or other things. I would not buy myself clothes, shoes, or underwear but go to free donation places and pick whatever fit me which was usually ugly to save money. His paychecks were always erratic. One paycheck would cover our bills, but then the next 3 would not. We were always playing catch up and never had money for anything beyond survival. I decided that I needed to make us more food self sufficient because I had been going to the food bank when things were bad, which they were all the time. I hated having to go but swallowed my pride because I wouldn’t see our children go hungry. My breaking point came when the grumpy intake lady told me that I shouldn’t have so many children. I was pregnant at the time with our third child and had my two older children with me. I went home and cried alone in my room. I asked MH to go instead but he refused. Due to our need for food I kept going. When we moved to a different state I made an effort to never have to have someone say that to me again. I grew a huge garden and canned our food, I stockpiled staples whenever they went on sale so that if the checks were small I would at least have enough to feed us until things got better. My daughter raised meat rabbits for 4-H and I helped her breed them so we could have meat. I kept chickens so we would always have eggs and slowly saved so we could have milk goats for milk. I taught myself how to milk goats and butcher our meat rabbits. I taught myself to make bread so that we weren’t reliant on the grocery store when we had no cash. I never bought anything new so if we needed something I went to yard sales or thrift shops. Through all these ways I was able to keep our family well fed and dressed in nice clothes (at least for everyone else) and semi nice furniture and still pay our bills. I babysat other children to make ends meet.
 
MH hated helping in the garden or with the chickens and goats. I explained my reasons to him but he would complain and gripe about it. I would point out how it saved us money, how it made it to where our children didn’t have to go without but that didn’t matter to him. Even though I did at least 75%, of the work, even butchering the animals and rototilling the huge garden that didn’t matter. At this time I was also taking care of our house, our three children, and babysitting to bring in extra money to get out of debt. Instead of feeling proud of myself for what I had accomplished or how hard I worked to keep our family together I felt like a bad wife because of the constant negative comments from my husband. My family made comments questioning why I did what I did, but I was too proud to tell them it was because we never had enough money. Our marriage was the same but I found if I kept busy with children, the garden, and animals I wouldn’t have to think about it. Also I felt nice and tired at the end of the day so I didn’t mind that he wouldn’t have sex with me so much.

About this time I got pregnant with our fourth child right after MH had surgery. I took a night job cleaning schools, babysat during the day, and took care of him and our kids, and all the animals and chores too. I finally payed off our last debt and made MH promise me he wouldn’t put us into debt again. We just couldn’t afford payments.

Soon after we moved back to Washington. MH didn’t get along with anyone at his old work and never made enough money, he would come home complaining all the time about his work. He got a better offer and said he would make tons of money there. I hoped so but it was even worse money wise due to the 2008 financial crises. He switched jobs again and we had to move again.

Since the beginning of our marriage I have been in charge of making sure the bills get paid, scheduling appointments, dealing with collectors on the phone for debt, and pretty much all other aspects of our finances. I have tried to give MH some responsibility but he would forget to pay things and then we would be screwed.

Two jobs later at which he was fired we moved again. I tried to make a home in every new place so that our children wouldn’t feel displaced, I kept an upbeat attitude and hoped all the promises of a steady paycheck would come true but we never had enough money. We live still at below the poverty line. During our whole marriage I didn’t take care of myself or eat right, I got little to no sleep due to nursing babies and pregnancy, I was depressed by our marriage and lack of love or intimacy. Also MH put us into a huge (for us) amount of debt for a fancy toolbox. I begged him not to do it because he has never been able to make payments on time plus I showed him our budget and how we couldn’t afford it but it didn’t matter not to mention the interest rate was almost 30%. I finally had a mental/health breakdown. I was at the time watching 5 other children besides our 4 and we were doing ok financially, meaning I could finally pay our bills on time. I was finally able to buy more than just the bare minimum. Then he got fired again. I just couldn’t take anymore. I had constant panic attacks and insomnia, much of this I’m sure was due to the pressure of never knowing if we would have enough money to buy clothes for our children or food or pay our bills one month to the next plus living in a loveless marriage.
 
After my breakdown I couldn’t watch kids anymore and we went bankrupt on our house. I couldn’t work and there were no jobs for MH in our tiny town. He was commuting almost an hour to work one way so he said we would have to move to a new town. I suggested the town where his job was (he wasn’t getting along with the guys at his job there) but he refused to live there because he didn’t like the city and there were no other dealerships he would consider working at. I tried to show him other jobs that would be more reliable but he either refused or never got hired. I had to submit all his resumes to try and get him a job or he wouldn’t do it.

We ended up moving to a new state. We still struggled financially but I couldn’t work due to my health. Again he got fired about a year and a half after we moved there. I told him point blank I wouldn’t move to a new town and uproot our children. It was hurting them. I didn’t consider how much it hurt me that every time I started to make friends and build relationships we ended up moving. How important having friends are when your marriage partner ignores you.

For years I would try to talk to him about my goals and dreams. I have a few dreams that I have always wanted to do since I was a girl. The main one was having a big garden and some farm animals and living like that. And with our income level that seemed smart as having those things saves us money. I strived at every place we lived to have a garden and some chickens and at our last house even sheep for meat. I did almost all of the work. Dan would make negative comments about the animals constantly, or about chores or household things most men do like mowing the lawn, cleaning out the garage, ect. It also would take me asking him several times over a week or more to get him to do the simplest man chore. And he would only do it after I finally got so fed up and frustrated that I would threaten to do it myself. Then he would be angry and ignore me for a week. I found it was just easier for me to do it than listen to him gripe and ruin my day so I did. Meanwhile my depression just got worse when I thought about having to live like this the rest of my life.

I am on an antidepressant that helps but I still feel very hopeless.
 
The other real problem that is perhaps the most depressing for me is that we don’t talk and I can’t share my dreams, hopes, or plans with him. I found that every time I would talk about doing something fun like going up to the mountains for a day trip, or going out to the movies when we have had money, or on a much needed date night, or planning for a vacation (we haven’t gone on a vacation in 4 years), or us someday having a house capable of a small hobby farm, no matter what the subject he will immediately start making negative comments about it. It robbed the moment of any fun or pleasure because of the constant negativity. So I just stopped talking to him about anything in my life. We maybe say 3 or 4 things to each other on a normal day. Yet he will talk to his dad for hours every night and talk to his friends too. So I know he knows how to talk. I have also given up on ever doing the things I enjoy.

But if I go or say I’m going to go by myself to do anything he acts like I’m the bad guy and then comes along and is negative the whole time. We don’t go out often, even with our children, because I know it won’t be fun with him being like that. If he’s not making negative comments about what we are doing he starts slamming on people around us or yelling at the kids.

He has told me that what he want’s to do most of the time is be at home watching tv (I don’t watch tv) and he likes video games. I guess that fits him because he doesn’t have to interact with anyone. I can’t go out to be in the mountains or fishing or camping without him because then I am the bad guy.

I ended up having to have surgery on my abdomen for a tumor last fall. MH had to do all the animal chores for two months while I recovered since I wasn’t supposed to lift anything… He hated it and let me know how he had to do EVERYTHING with the animals now. Which by the way took him about 10 minutes every morning. I explained many times that I couldn’t lift anything for at least 6 weeks and that the animals gave us meat and eggs. Finally I just gave up trying to have my dream of a hobby farm. Even if I did all the work and hired someone to help me with the stuff I couldn’t do on my own he would still take any joy from it by complaining and being negative. I finally gave up having chickens or any other animals, even though I really loved them, because it just made him too hard to live with. We moved to a house that the yard and garden are small so that I’m not so exhausted doing the housework, cooking all the meals, taking care of the kids and bills, plus all the yard work on my own.

The other hard part of our marriage is that I can’t rely on him. Whenever something bad has happened he usually ignores it. When my dad died I and to comfort him! He has never comforted me through any painful or nasty situation. Usually it’s me having to fix or rescue us from whatever is going on. Now I don’t bother telling him when something really upsetting or heartbreaking has happened to me. I don’t share my day either because he usually is not interested.

Lastly is that he doesn’t parent our children. I am the one who has to discipline them and he has openly said he doesn’t want to. Our eldest daughter who is a teenager has threatened me and called me the worst curse words possible right in front of him and he doesn’t do anything. I have to MAKE him by saying, are you going to let her talk like that? He lets our children be disrespectful to himself and me. He says he doesn’t notice so I do all the discipline and am the bad guy. When in the store with them they are out of control which I don’t allow but he does. Obviously they act really different around me because they know I don’t allow certain things.

I realize by reading this over that he has, through his constant negativity and coldness, turned us into a copy of his parents. I am now not the person I wanted to be. I feel like if I was just a better wife, a more perfect women that I could love him but I stopped loving or feeling anything for him years ago due to being ignored and shut out for years. Not only do I not love him, I don’t even like him. We have nothing to talk about and nothing in common. I go through bouts of depression whenever I think about our marriage. I worry that my mental health is suffering so much due to it that it’s effecting my children. If I didn’t have children I would have divorced him 13 years ago.
 
I have struggled for almost 15 years to keep our family together. I have done everything possible to be frugal and make sure we had enough on a very tiny amount of money. I have gone without for the most basic necessities so my children could have clothes, shoes, and my husband would have work clothes and boots. And I have done all this without the benefit of a loving or even tolerable marriage to make all those sacrifices less of a burden. I have never cheated on him though I am so lonely. When I go out without him I have fun and feel like “me” again because I don’t hear negativity. Right now I feel horrible about myself, I feel ugly, selfish, and like I am a bad person because I don’t love him anymore. I have started using to a small degree my anti anxiety medication on really bad days when I am so depressed to take the edge off. And I have thought to myself “my God I am using drugs to deal with my marriage”

But at the same time I don’t want a divorce because of our children. Some of the things have considered with divorce or not divorcing MH are as follows.

Not Divorcing

1.Children will see a marriage that is cold and unloving and think that is normal

2.Children will see a mother who suffers from frequent depression and sadness

3.Children will see two people who never communicate and think that is normal

4.Children will be exposed to an undercurrent of constant tension

5.Children will be with both parents in a family and be with their daddy

6.I can influence Dan to make good choices financially so he is more stable for the kids

7.I will continue to be depressed and feel bad about myself all the time

8.I can influence Dan to spend time with the kids which he doesn’t do unless I make him

9.My health will continue to suffer, possibly leading to severe consequences

10.I will still feel very worthless and depressed

Divorcing

1.Will cause a lower, perhaps to a poverty level of the income for the children

2.Children will no longer be around a daddy they love to pieces as much

3.Mother would be happier and free to be happy, children will see a happy mother

4.I will no longer have influence over Dan’s choices, which would impact the children

5.Children will be hurt by being from a divorced family

6.I will have to do everything, which I pretty much do anyways, but without someone putting me down

7.We may have to move to a new house in the same town

8.I can plan and someday accomplish my dreams

9.I will be free to possibly meet someone who I could marry, although right now I never want to be in a relationship with a man again.

10.I wont feel so horrible about myself

11.I wont feel so depressed and trapped

Can I force MH to be a good father or a responsible person? I certainly have been able to keep him from doing things or letting the kids do things that I know are bad for them, and I have also been able to influence his financial choices so he doesn’t go into debt to a certain degree. But as to forcing him to be a good dad do I or should I even have that responsibility? Trying to control someone is exhausting. I have to make him do certain things like take the kids fishing or play with them outside. He likes to play video games with them but I have a strict rule for the kids about only an hour of video games on weekends and tv is limited that he has finally given in to although he breaks it if I am not around. He already doesn’t discipline them so if we divorce I am sure that his house will be the preferred one to the strict mommy, so not only will I be the bad guy but they may choose to live with him over me, which would destroy me as I love them so much. Is my mental health more of a priority than being able to keep him in line long enough for them to reach 18? I honestly don’t know how much more I can take. My counselor brought up a very good point. MH has been this way our entire relationship, even when I would point out how our relationship was suffering he didn’t change, there is little chance that he will change now . My doctor has recommended my seriously considering divorce due to the impact on my health. She mentioned that if we stay together and I remain depressed my children will be exposed to that. I have even mentioned divorce to him several times and nothing changed. He is not going to change so I have to decide how I can live.

I don’t know what else to say. The thought of living alone with my kids, and all that entails, seems like such a blessed relief.
 
Please don’t take this the wrong way, but there are many people going through the same kinds of things you are. But they keep plugging away for the sake of their family. With all the dysfunction that has gone on in your husband’s past, has he ever gotten any counseling? I would imagine he is depressed over many things, but mostly the loss of his sons, and they are affecting your marriage even though they are not aimed at you personally.

Keep doing whatever you can to survive. But you absolutely cannot abuse your medication.

I don’t hear much about God being a part of your lives except for in the past.
 
Both he and I have attended regularly for most of our marriage, mostly due to me going. I’m not sure of his real interest because if I didn’t go he didn’t want to. We have been going to the Catholic mass the last 4 months and I am in the process of returning and all that entails. I have tried to get him into counseling but he doesn’t show interest in going.
 
That is good that he is going though!

Do you see how broken he is? I think you need to be the one that leads for a while. Not the one who controls, but the one that leads by example. You are the only Catholic he has known. Don’t push him, he is following for now. See if your parish has any kind of counseling. For him. He can’t give you what you want until he is better.
 
There are so many issues here - and I didn’t even read it all. Sorry, but it’s really much too long; I know you need to vent, but you’ll get more help if you can keep it succinct.

Firstly, are you even in a valid marriage? You married a divorcee and were away from the Church at the time. It sounds like it is not a valid marriage?

Secondly, even if it’s not a valid marriage, there may be good reasons to remain in it (but without any sex unless convalidated). Those reasons are related to your children, as per all the pros and cons you listed.

Thirdly, none of us can really help you weigh those pros and cons. It is not our place. A trusted priest could help you, and perhaps family and friends. Ultimately, it will be your decision to make.

Forthly - and please don’t take this the wrong way - but these problems are of your making and not your childrens. They are innocent in this and in your care. Their needs need to come first. Your’s a distant second, sorry.
 
If I didn’t put my children’s needs first I would have left years ago. They are the only reason I have stayed.
 
homekeeper said:
If I didn’t put my children’s needs first I would have left years ago. They are the only reason I have stayed.
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Of course. The question remains, for you to answer, are their needs still best met with mum and dad living together?

In general, divorce is bad for children. That’s why (one of the key reasons) the Church is so opposed to it. But it can be neccessary in some cases (eg abuse). You need to decide if your case is such an exception to the norm.
 
So you’ve made it clear how your husband has failed and that you have let him know his failures…

What have you done to love and support your husband. When he was facing the crisis with his ex and the adoption did you partner with him? Did you help him?

I think you need to stop talking divorce…I’m divorced and it sucks, and I read nothing in your post to justify a separation much less a divorce.

You need to get some help here, and based on these posts, I suggest you let your husband fix himself and you start working on yourself. When partners in marriage look outward instead of inward they are bound for problems.
 
I think we are living parallel lives. We have been seeing a thearapist for the last year, my anxiety had reached an all time high, usually a fighter I became so afraid I actually would physically shake at any stressful word or situation. MH has been mildly phsically abusive through the years but mostly emotionally. Through therapy discovered he has can’t connect the effect his actions has on others because of his own abusive upbringing. I go through bouts of depression due to lack of intamacy. I don’t have anyone.
My thearapist does not know about the abuse mostly we talk about anger problems. The first thing she told us was that she would have to report any abuse. I couldn’t break my kids heart and have them find out who their dad really is.
I haven’t contemplated divorce because of the affect it would have on the kids, we have managed to keep our problems underwraps. He’s a good father for the most part although I agree that I stopped going out to family dinners because he begins degrading others sarcasticly and the kids just find him funny. This puts me in a bad mood and results in a bad night.

If I were to divorce later I don’t even care about wanting to remarry. I just need a safe place to speak my truth and get help with my own mental stability.

Kids are almost grown. Hanging on by a thread. I’m praying for you.
 
Whoa, that was long! I appreciate that you took the time and write us the whole story, though it would have been better being succinct as someone pointed out. I can’t advise you what to do and I don’t know catholic-wise… you have to see into his first marriage and yours, too, if it’s valid. Did a Christian marriage take place at all? Also, I couldn’t advise you, because I am a single mom myself so to a certain level I put myself above everyone else. I come from a very dysfunctional family (pretty much one like you describe, no physical harm, still constant arguing and people not communicating or understanding each other) so I will probably never marry. This is where I fail to understand when people talk about the well-being of children with two parents who pretty much live separate lives. It’s not the children who decide their parents’ lives…

What I see from your story is this constant complaining and you wanting your husband to do what you want and to change. Can YOU change? As a result he’s shutting down. Maybe you should just let him be… stop wanting things from him. Also, from children. People still do whatever they want…

Whatever happened to his first children? From his first marriage? Meanwhile, yours are almost grown up. Almost. Don’t use them as an excuse for getting or not getting a divorce. From what I’ve seen some people feel good in such relationships and go on and on forever. Some others don’t feel good. And they live. “Simple” as that.

It’s good that you go to Church and it seems he’s willing to go with you. Keep praying, answers will be revealed to you. This is the most important thing.

Take care of yourself.
 
AdelaidaM said:
Whoa, that was long! I appreciate that you took the time and write us the whole story, though it would have been better being succinct as someone pointed out. I can’t advise you what to do and I don’t know catholic-wise… you have to see into his first marriage and yours, too, if it’s valid. Did a Christian marriage take place at all? Also, I couldn’t advise you, because I am a single mom myself so to a certain level I put myself above everyone else. I come from a very dysfunctional family (pretty much one like you describe, constant arguing and people not communicating or understanding each other) so I will probably never marry. This is where I fail to understand when people talk about the well-being of children with two parents who pretty much live separate lives. It’s not the children who decide their parents’ lives…

What I see from your story is this constant complaining and you wanting your husband to do what you want and to change. Can YOU change? As a result he’s shutting down. Maybe you should just let him be… stop wanting things from him. Also, from children. People still do whatever they want…

Whatever happened to his first children? From his first marriage? Meanwhile, yours are almost grown up. Almost. Don’t use them as an excuse for getting or not getting a divorce. From what I’ve seen some people feel good in such relationships and go on and on forever. Some others don’t feel good. And they live. “Simple” as that.

It’s good that you go to Church and it seems he’s willing to go with you. Keep praying, answers will be revealed to you. This is the most important thing.

Take care of yourself.
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I am so sorry homekeeper for your pain, a pain shared in one form or another by many women across the globe.
I have not read your post fully so I do not know if you married your husband in Church. If so, then he is yours for life.
All I ask for these days is a husband who does not beat me; a roof over my head; a job that earns me enough money to support myself and the children.( and him if it comes to that!). Expecting anything more, I have since learnt, is wrought with heartache :sad_yes:
 
AdelaidaM said:
From what I’ve seen some people feel good in such relationships and go on and on forever. Some others don’t feel good. And they live. “Simple” as that.

Take care of yourself.
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I meant “leave” not “live”. I’m not a native English speaker 😃 Sorry if my words sounded harsh in any way, I can feel you, only I’ve seen this happening too many times. The short answer is God, keep praying.
 
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