Please Help! I want a divorce!

  • Thread starter Thread starter homekeeper
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
homekeeper said:
Excuse me but “let him know his failures?” How would you know what I did or how I did it. Yes I did bring up our lack of intimacy. Is that wrong? Should I have just been a doormat and never had any intimacy for months or even years. Is that normal? I have supported my husband through 15 years of marriage, trying to encourage him. But there does come a time of giving and giving and never getting anything back. You just get tired. Especially since he has made it clear he doesn’t want my counsel or help when it comes to the past.

But thank you for your encouragement.:confused:
Click to expand...
My encouragement to you is to stop venting on Internet forums, and focus on what you bring or don’t bring to the marriage and work on yourself.

Sorry if you just wanted a pity party, but your posts do not reflect on yourself well at all. You describe a condescending self absorbed person and a husband who has given up.

I hope that’s not accurate, but it is how your post reads.

As I said, I am divorced and divorce will not solve a single one of your problems.
 
homekeeper said:
Excuse me but “let him know his failures?” How would you know what I did or how I did it. Yes I did bring up our lack of intimacy. Is that wrong? Should I have just been a doormat and never had any intimacy for months or even years. Is that normal?
Click to expand...
I mean you wrote a huge amount about what a horrible husband you have and how he doesn’t do anything. I didn’t see a single thing about you, so I am viewing this as a rant and not something we can actually help you with. As I said you guys need to rebuild your marriage. But you guys can’t do that when your looking at the other person. You each need to look at yourself. And together learn how to partner.

I will say it deeply bothered me how you described your “support” of your husband regarding the adoption of his son from him. You should have not just said “you need to decide one way or another” you needed to emphatically say “that’s your son and my stepson and I will do whatever it takes to help you raise that boy and I will love him as my own child. You cannot give up on him”. Why was that not your opinion? We’re you wanting the “headache” of a child and his mom out of your life? Now that boy has no father!

I see this theme again and again in your posts…so I suggest you really reflect on what “support” of your husband has really been like.
I have supported my husband through 15 years of marriage, trying to encourage him. But there does come a time of giving and giving and never getting anything back. You just get tired. Especially since he has made it clear he doesn’t want my counsel or help when it comes to the past.
Click to expand...
Divorce will not help your problems, I see a husband who has given up and a husband and wife who don’t love each other.

Love is to desire the good of another as other despite yourself. So when you can do what’s best for your husband despite what it does for you, then that is love. That is how those marriage vows work.

You will not solve a single one of your problems with divorce…you will indeed magnify them. And anything less than 50/50 custody of the kids is a great injustice to them.
But thank you for your encouragement.:confused:
Click to expand...
If your looking for pity “encouragement” then I suggest your girlfriends. If your looking for honest assessments and advice then I hope I could help.
 
homekeeper said:
That last bit is kinda disrespectful of your wife. But its nice that you all have lots of money.
Click to expand...
I think you read that wrong then if those are the two things you gleaned from it…
My wife came home for lunch today and read the post. She agrees entirely.

Perhaps you did not pick up on the lightheartedness of it. Perhaps because you are in the middle of something yourself. But recognizing each other’s faults and strengths is not disrespectful.

Now that I think about it, your accusation of disrespecting my lovely bride is downright odd given the lengthy “vent” you have created on this thread…

perhaps you are projecting?
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
I think you read that wrong then if those are the two things you gleaned from it…
My wife came home for lunch today and read the post. She agrees entirely.

Perhaps you did not pick up on the lightheartedness of it. Perhaps because you are in the middle of something yourself. But recognizing each other’s faults and strengths is not disrespectful.

Now that I think about it, your accusation of disrespecting my lovely bride is downright odd given the lengthy “vent” you have created on this thread…

perhaps you are projecting?
Click to expand...
My vent as you call it is stating plain facts. It that a “vent”? I never called my husband a jerk, bad person, or any other names. I simply posted his behavior over our 15 year marriage.

Interesting that when a woman is actually mentally, physically, and emotionally abandoned by her husband people come out of the woodwork to blame HER. But if a woman were to refuse to have sex with her husband (which I have never done, quite the opposite) and he came on to ask advice people would say how he is the victim.

This post was to explain why I feel so depressed about any change happening in our marriage, this has been going on since the beginning, and struggling to continue it. I wanted to be complete because I notice on these forums if you don’t you have to go back and clarify things allot.

As to your comments on your own wife and her finding something “new and shiny” to distract her from her latest idea, I found that a bit condescending. Perhaps in your OP to me you were needing to vent about your own marriage since it didn’t seem to actually be helpful to my situation or offering any useful advice or kindness. Considering that, maybe you shouldn’t have responded to my post at all but made your own post about the silliness of women and their harebrained ideas.
 
homekeeper said:
My vent as you call it is stating plain facts. It that a “vent”? I never called my husband a jerk, bad person, or any other names. I simply posted his behavior over our 15 year marriage.

Interesting that when a woman is actually mentally, physically, and emotionally abandoned by her husband people come out of the woodwork to blame HER. But if a woman were to refuse to have sex with her husband (which I have never done, quite the opposite) and he came on to ask advice people would say how he is the victim.

This post was to explain why I feel so depressed about any change happening in our marriage, this has been going on since the beginning, and struggling to continue it. I wanted to be complete because I notice on these forums if you don’t you have to go back and clarify things allot.

As to your comments on your own wife and her finding something “new and shiny” to distract her from her latest idea, I found that a bit condescending. Perhaps in your OP to me you were needing to vent about your own marriage since it didn’t seem to actually be helpful to my situation or offering any useful advice or kindness. Considering that, maybe you shouldn’t have responded to my post at all but made your own post about the silliness of women and their harebrained ideas.
Click to expand...
Ok, fine I was only posting for your benefit to show that personalities can be complimentary. I understand you may find it condescending. My wife does not which is what matters.🤷 I will leave you to your thread. though I am not quite sure what you hope to accomplish here given that any advice you receive you take as an attack. SO I will just state what others have said. You have more to deal with than can be helped by random strangers on the internet in one thread. I urge you for the sake of your children, your husband and yourself to seek out a good counselor who can help you to reach the holiest outcome possible and the one that God wills for your family.

I am indeed sorry that the humor was lost on you and detracted from my overall point. I just picked one paragraph that seemed to be one of the least controversial on your post. Judging by your response, I don’t think I can post anything that helps you any further. Certainly not on the more serious issues in your post.

I pray things work out the best possible way for you and that you receive the help and comfort you need and the healing in your marriage.

Don’t worry too much about my wife, we are all good! We laugh about our little differences and love that we have complimentary personalities. With 5 kids and one income and homeschooling, you kinda need to have a sense of humor. 😉
 
Jon_S said:
You will not solve a single one of your problems with divorce…you will indeed magnify them. And anything less than 50/50 custody of the kids is a great injustice to them.
Click to expand...
Eh, 50/50 custody in a situation where one of the 50s won’t care for the children is an injustice to the children.
 
Jon_S said:
I mean you wrote a huge amount about what a horrible husband you have and how he doesn’t do anything. I didn’t see a single thing about you, so I am viewing this as a rant and not something we can actually help you with. As I said you guys need to rebuild your marriage. But you guys can’t do that when your looking at the other person. You each need to look at yourself. And together learn how to partner.

I will say it deeply bothered me how you described your “support” of your husband regarding the adoption of his son from him. You should have not just said “you need to decide one way or another” you needed to emphatically say “that’s your son and my stepson and I will do whatever it takes to help you raise that boy and I will love him as my own child. You cannot give up on him”. Why was that not your opinion? We’re you wanting the “headache” of a child and his mom out of your life? Now that boy has no father!

**Wow! You sure know allot about me. By the way that is really insulting. I never called his sons a “headache” I loved them. You are putting something on me that thankfully never was. Maybe I should have written an even LONGER post. But just for your personal gratification here we go. I was very young when we met. 19 to be exact. When the adoption took place I was 21 right after we got married. I didn’t agree with any of it. I contacted lawyers to see if we could get custody. I talked to him about the long term consequences. He took little interest in what I was saying. Looking back now with more age and wisdom I wish I had said that exact thing you stated. I have prayed constantly for those boys and my husband. Is it hard for you to believe that a woman could actually do that? Because of MH abuse history I think he just is incapable of standing up for himself or for others. I’ve seen it over and over in our marriage with how he interacts with others.

As to my faults here we go. I am very strong willed and have been bossy, critical, and pushy in our marriage, but as you have said I need to look at myself which I have done. I don’t do those things any more because it just makes him angry and shuts him down. I have learned to not ask him to help me with projects or work rather than have to nag him. I simply do it myself. My biggest fault is that I am the instigator of fights. This is usually because he has ignored me so long that I finally blow up and demand WHY? I pretty much have stopped that over the past two years. This would happen about once or twice a month before that though.

Now to what am I doing that is hurting our marriage. I keep away from him as much as possible because he is so negative. He doesn’t notice or mind. That’s it! I feel guilty for not loving him but that died long ago. Now I do what is expected of me. I cook the meals, keep the house clean, pay the bills, do the budgeting and shopping, and care and love our children and take them to Mass and keep the yard mowed and weeded. I also run a small blog that helps a little with money issues. I guess it must be hard for you to believe that I didn’t do horrible stuff to him. I have never cheated, or even flirted with other men. I have never gone out and spent money because I hate debt and we don’t even have credit cards. I don’t lie because I have found it’s not just a sin, but pointless. In fact by todays standards I’m pretty boring. I don’t go out and party, don’t drink, and do allot of home stuff.**

I see this theme again and again in your posts…so I suggest you really reflect on what “support” of your husband has really been like.

Divorce will not help your problems, I see a husband who has given up and a husband and wife who don’t love each other.

Love is to desire the good of another as other despite yourself. So when you can do what’s best for your husband despite what it does for you, then that is love. That is how those marriage vows work.

You will not solve a single one of your problems with divorce…you will indeed magnify them. And anything less than 50/50 custody of the kids is a great injustice to them.

If your looking for pity “encouragement” then I suggest your girlfriends. If your looking for honest assessments and advice then I hope I could help.
Click to expand...
I don’t think you are being honest at all, in fact you are projecting allot of things onto me for some reason. Making assumptions and then stating them like fact. I wonder how helpful you are really trying to be. Casting blame onto me is not going to help, and I know very well the hardships of divorce on children which is why I have stayed 15 years. I have great pity for my husband. I think he is a broken person with all his past and has not been able to heal. I have tried for years to help him, suggested counseling. But if a person refuses help you cant MAKE them and that is a fact. In truth I have also taken into account how hurtful divorce would be for him as one of the reasons to stay. I think it would destroy him. He just has no self esteem, but if you met his family and heard what he went through as a child you would understand why. The fact is though that I cant fix him. He is going to have to want to do that himself. And frankly I think the only true healing is through God.
 
Jon_S said:
Well, according to a rant…
Click to expand...
I’m not talking about the OP’s particular situation, but just as a general matter of principle–parents who won’t feed, clothe, and educate their children should not get 50/50 custody.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
Ok, fine I was only posting for your benefit to show that personalities can be complimentary. I understand you may find it condescending. My wife does not which is what matters.🤷 I will leave you to your thread. though I am not quite sure what you hope to accomplish here given that any advice you receive you take as an attack. SO I will just state what others have said. You have more to deal with than can be helped by random strangers on the internet in one thread. I urge you for the sake of your children, your husband and yourself to seek out a good counselor who can help you to reach the holiest outcome possible and the one that God wills for your family.

I am indeed sorry that the humor was lost on you and detracted from my overall point. I just picked one paragraph that seemed to be one of the least controversial on your post. Judging by your response, I don’t think I can post anything that helps you any further. Certainly not on the more serious issues in your post.

I pray things work out the best possible way for you and that you receive the help and comfort you need and the healing in your marriage.

Don’t worry too much about my wife, we are all good! We laugh about our little differences and love that we have complimentary personalities. With 5 kids and one income and homeschooling, you kinda need to have a sense of humor. 😉
Click to expand...
In fact there are several posts that I thanked the posters for their advice, which was primarily to talk to my priest and pray and be counseled. I found THAT advice as helpful. So it is not ALL advice that I see as an attack. I wonder if you think that one spouse who completely ignores the other as somehow being “complimentary”. I know that is how most marriages are, being different personalities I mean. But how exactly am I supposed to work with someone who ignores me and has even told me he does it on purpose, which by the way I wrote in my original post?
 
Xantippe said:
I’m not talking about the OP’s particular situation, but just as a general matter of principle–parents who won’t feed, clothe, and educate their children should not get 50/50 custody.
Click to expand...
As a single mom and sole provider for our little family, I have to agree with this.
 
homekeeper,

I pray for you compassion, understanding and healing. You have had a long and difficult road.

I’m sorry some responses are not so compassionate.

I hope you can find someone to confide in in person. That is the best way to sort this out.

The journey you have had is heroic. Praying for you today for wisdom and direction.
 
Xantippe said:
I’m not talking about the OP’s particular situation, but just as a general matter of principle–parents who won’t feed, clothe, and educate their children should not get 50/50 custody.
Click to expand...
Of course…sadly most custody battles involve depriving loving caring fathers of their kids simply because they are fathers not mothers.
 
This thread hurts my heart.

Prayers to everyone, especially each of these kids from all the relationships.
 
Jon_S said:
Of course…sadly most custody battles involve depriving loving caring fathers of their kids simply because they are fathers not mothers.
Click to expand...
Not so.

In uncontested cases, mothers do generally get custody by mutual agreement, but where there is an actual custody battle, fathers are quite likely to get at least some custody.

See here:

villainouscompany.com/vcblog/archives/2012/04/child_supportcu.html

According to her stats, in contested cases fathers are generally about twice as likely to get sole custody as are mothers. It’s a little complicated, as the stats are different from state to state and there are actually three possibilities (mom has sole custody, dad has sole custody and joint custody), but here’s an example from MASS:

“29% of fathers got primary custody
65% of fathers got joint custody
7% of mothers got primary custody”

Possible explanations that come to mind:
  1. Fathers usually only fight when they have an excellent case.
  2. Fathers (having usually better financial resources), are able to afford expensive legal cases and are able to fight until they win.
 
Xantippe said:
Not so.

In uncontested cases, mothers do generally get custody by mutual agreement, but where there is an actual custody battle, fathers are quite likely to get at least some custody.

See here:

villainouscompany.com/vcblog/archives/2012/04/child_supportcu.html

According to her stats, in contested cases fathers are generally about twice as likely to get sole custody as are mothers. It’s a little complicated, as the stats are different from state to state and there are actually three possibilities (mom has sole custody, dad has sole custody and joint custody), but here’s an example from MASS:

“29% of fathers got primary custody
65% of fathers got joint custody
7% of mothers got primary custody”

Possible explanations that come to mind:
  1. Fathers usually only fight when they have an excellent case.
  2. Fathers (having usually better financial resources), are able to afford expensive legal cases and are able to fight until they win.
Click to expand...
Thanks, it is undeniable that a bias exists (although being overcome) that the mom gets custody and dad gets every other weekend.

When it’s contested dads have a shot…only cost me $50,000 to get 50/50 of my kids and it would have been more if my ex hadn’t finally settled.
 
I have written this lengthy, lengthy message that I lost before sending. Now I will try to resume. One thing would be that you placed yourself in the “victim” position and I think it’s dangerous and you have to extract yourself from there. Second, anyone can make a little free time for themselves, forget the chores around the house for maybe an hour or a day. And third, try to establish what you really want and how could you get it or be helped. What kind of help you want including from members on this forum.

I will remember to keep you in my prayers. No one is here to blame you, people have different opinions and perspectives on things.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top