Please HELP: I'm a virgin and he's not

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I myself did not wait till I was married. I have 2 kids out of wed-lock. I am married to a wonderful women who accepted me for who I was. Now that I am a revived Catholic, I look back and wish I was brought up in the Faith. When I look back do I wish I waited yes, but do I regret having kids out of wed-lock no. My wife and I know what we did was wrong. We have made our peace with God and that is all we can ask. Don’t beat yourself up with his past, it will only lead you to doing something that you know is wrong. If he has asked you to forgive him then you should. You can’t ask to be forgiven without being able to forgive first. What ever you do don’t hate God for the person you are. I know there are a lot of women out there who wish they had waited.
 
Thank you for all your responses. Your prayers are even more appreciated and very much needed.

To clear up some things I left out. I am 26 years old and he is 28. So I’ve been waiting a while. But I was waiting always with hope that my husband was waiting for me. I think back to all the nights that I was lonely and praying for my future husband, and he was having sex. That makes me feel sick, understandably bitter, stupid and naive. I found out he wasn’t a virgin by finding a letter written to him by an ex-girlfriend of four years ago and it talked about how good in bed he was. Traumatizing to say the least. Then I had to deal the fact that I knew and worked with the last girl he slept with before me, who I come to find out was just merely a friend (with benefits). I’m insecure because those girls had been around, and what if when my time comes I’m being compared to experienced people. He gets so mad at me for that, he says that he would never compare me and I make him feel so many things he’s never felt before that being with me will one day be the best day of his life. Logically, I know that but I get so frustrated that I can’t get it out of my head. It is so hard because I love him and the more I love him the more this hurts. I do see him everyday and am reminded by just looking at him. Rationally, I know that this is my problem. This is my test in forgiveness. This is something I have to drop and move on from. He’s done everything he can at this point. He sees now, after meeting me, how wrong he was by living that life. He regrets it. He says over and over he’s ashamed and embarassed and wants so badly to have been like me. But to me those are just words, they don’t make the burning go away. I want so bad to stop it, to pick up and move on, get married and live a good life with this person. Because very honestly that potential is there. If I could change, we would be very happy together. We share so many other things, the same profession, political view points, hobbies, sense of humor, and now the desire to wait for our marriage among other values. I have all the motives to drop this, just not the understanding of how to start. What do I pray for?

Please pray for me. Thank you all so much.
 
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mbielanski:
Thank you for all your responses. Your prayers are even more appreciated and very much needed.

To clear up some things I left out. I am 26 years old and he is 28. So I’ve been waiting a while. But I was waiting always with hope that my husband was waiting for me. I think back to all the nights that I was lonely and praying for my future husband, and he was having sex. That makes me feel sick, understandably bitter, stupid and naive. I found out he wasn’t a virgin by finding a letter written to him by an ex-girlfriend of four years ago and it talked about how good in bed he was. Traumatizing to say the least. Then I had to deal the fact that I knew and worked with the last girl he slept with before me, who I come to find out was just merely a friend (with benefits). I’m insecure because those girls had been around, and what if when my time comes I’m being compared to experienced people. He gets so mad at me for that, he says that he would never compare me and I make him feel so many things he’s never felt before that being with me will one day be the best day of his life.
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I can understand the frustration from both of you. On the one hand, your feelings are very natural.

On the other hand, however, in your insecurity, you seem to be projecting his feelings and emotions . . . which is not right.
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mbielanski:
Logically, I know that but I get so frustrated that I can’t get it out of my head. It is so hard because I love him and the more I love him the more this hurts. I do see him everyday and am reminded by just looking at him. Rationally, I know that this is my problem. This is my test in forgiveness. This is something I have to drop and move on from. He’s done everything he can at this point.
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It’s not really even a test of forgiveness. Rather, it’s an opportunity to lay your hurts and insecurities at the foot of the Cross. Some reading you might find helpful:

Abandonment to Divine Providence
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mbielanski:
He sees now, after meeting me, how wrong he was by living that life. He regrets it. He says over and over he’s ashamed and embarassed and wants so badly to have been like me. But to me those are just words, they don’t make the burning go away. I want so bad to stop it, to pick up and move on, get married and live a good life with this person. Because very honestly that potential is there. If I could change, we would be very happy together. We share so many other things, the same profession, political view points, hobbies, sense of humor, and now the desire to wait for our marriage among other values. I have all the motives to drop this, just not the understanding of how to start. What do I pray for?

Please pray for me. Thank you all so much.
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If this is truly a relationship which may well end in marraige, I would suggest some spiritual direction for both of you – singly and together – before you even consider pre-marital counseling. A trusted pastor could probably give advice as to someone to meet with. This truly is a situation which can be solved.

You will be in my prayers.
 
I was in almost the exact same situation on it was only 1 previous partner. It was very hard for me to overcome, especially since she is married into his family (bet you don’t have that problem) and I had to see her more than I cared to.

I can tell you a few things. #1 If you can’t get over it and are going to be tempted to throw it in his face, don’t marry him. #2 Learn to feel sorry for all of those involved. Your fiance sounds incredibly humble and has begged for your forgiveness. #3 I used to be a keeper of letters but I actually threw them all away a few weeks into my relationship with my husband. I felt God wanted me to marry him and it didn’t make sense to keep them. Did your fiance just not remember he had them? or is there still some attachment? #4 If I hadn’t married my husband after he broke the news to me (BTW, I didn’t ask and I wished that he hadn’t told me but he wanted to have no secrets between us) I would have missed out on an incredibly holy husband and father. Now I’m not condoning the “previous life” but maybe the fact that he had dropped so low made him rebound even higher. He’s far more pious than me! 😉 I’ve never worried about his faithfulness to me and I even consider myself a friend to the “other woman” and her husband. I would have missed out on an incredible gift from God if I hadn’t married him. You might want to look at this as your time on the cross. No, it’s not easy to overcome but it can be done. I have 6 wonderful kids, a loving, holy husband and a great marriage. Like I said, if you think you are going to throw this in his face, don’t marry. If you don’t think you can trust him, don’t marry either. Marriage is supposed to be your and your husbands path to heaven. If it can’t be this for either of you, you should love each other enough to put it off or not marry altogether.
 
What do I pray for?
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Relief. That is the first thing I would pray for. Relief from your nagging feelings and insecurities. I do the same thing. When I am bombarded by negative feelings, I say “God, give me relief.” That’s all it takes.

It is good that you realize that you are being insecure. I think it is a natural feeling at this point. (I think you said you have been with him for only 7 months.) It took me a long time to become comfortable with my boyfriend and his rough and tumble past. If sexual encounters make you feel uncomfortable, try drugs, alcohol, and jail time! :bigyikes: My boyfriend was a drug dealer in college and got put away for 6 months in jail. He spent his 21st birthday there. He’s now 31 and a COMPLETELY different person because of his experiences. He’s been clean for 5 years and he is the most forgiving, humble, and kind man I have ever met. And I believe the bad experiences he got from sex, drugs, and alcohol led him there through the grace of God. Only He can take those experiences and make them positive.

Another prayer that may help you is the serenity prayer. This is what they say at my boyfriend’s NA meetings…

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
 
I vowed for a long time that if any man every cheated on me, I would dump him even if that meant divorce. I decided when I was young that I would not put up with something like that. I saw what my mother went through and never wanted that for myself.

One day while I was dating my now-husband, I realized that I could forgive him of anything. It was the moment I truly understood what love is. Even though I know it would not be easy, I know I could forgive him of infidelity and move on.

I understand that your situation is different because you are trying to deal with ghosts from his past, but I would say that if you love him deeply, if you love him with the same intensity that God does, then you will be able to move beyond his dating history. He is a man who made mistakes, but he is equal in dignity with the rest of us and deserves respect and acceptance for who he is.

Also, don’t agonize over him comparing your “performance” with his past experience as I believe you mentioned in a previous post. He was young and immature and gave his body away to women who he both used and was used by. Those experiences are completely different from sharing intimacy, love and commitment within a lifelong marriage. Making love with one’s spouse is not about “performance.”
 
I can add very little as the advise upthread is excellent. I did have a few thoughts that weren’t mentioned by others.

M. Scott Peck died today. You may be familiar with his book The Road Less Traveled. The first line of the book is “Life is difficult.” 'Nuff said.

Also today, Dennis Prager did a segment on disappointment. He said everybody will be let down and will let others down. It is how one handles being let down that matters. It’s about maturity. I want to point out that you will let your boyfriend down, too. It may be the very thing that means the most to him. How would you want him to respond to the disappointment?

I have believed for some time that virginity/chasitity can be romantised. They will not eliminate problems and struggles in marriages. And I think that some* people think they will.

Finally, I wonder if what you are going through is more of a symptom rather than something wrong. Are you looking for a way out? Are you scared of something? Are there other things (less serious or even petty things) that are bothering you and this seems the most legit?

Do you want out but are afraid to let go?

*Please note that I said “some” if this doesn’t apply to you than I wasn’t referring to you.
 
They will not eliminate problems and struggles in marriages
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This is so true. We might have had a few conflicts over this issue early on in our marriage but any conflicts in the last 12 or so years of our almost 15 year marriage have had nothing to do with it.
 
You know I think part of your agonizing over the fact that your boyfriend has a sexual past and you don’t is that you have NO reference point to compare it to.
You’ve never had sexual intercourse and so it is ‘mysterious’ to you.
Most likely the images and scenes you have in your head of his past encounters (and I DO understand how that hurts… I have been in your shoes) - are giving them more credit than they deserve.
There is absolutely NO comparison to pre-marital sex and marital sex. EVEN if it was with your spouse before marriage! It is just “different” after marriage! Better! More REAL. Wonderful. Free. True. Authentic.
I cannot emphasize this enough.

So, having been in YOUR shoes and then MARRIED him - I can tell you that if you stop and begin to find **joy ** in the fact that of all the girls in the world, he has chosen YOU to be with and spend the rest of his life with - you will begin to let go of his past and realize that it is YOU he wants and THEM he REJECTED!

I do understand how you feel about worrying that he will “compare” you sexually to the others. All I can tell you is that while that may SEEM logical to you - in reality that is not the case at all. The sexual union between two people who LOVE each other, have made vows to each other in the sacrament of marriage and plan to spend the rest of their lives together - is NOT a “physical” focus. Only a very selfish man who has his priorities wrong would make the focus physical.
This does NOT sound like who your boyfriend is.

I think that perhaps you may have an obsessive personality?
That you are obsessed with your boyfriend to an extent and therefore his past.
If so, you may want to seek some help for this to learn how to “think” differently so it does not cause you so much distress.
They call it “cognitive therapy” and it is very helpful.

You are in my prayers. I really do understand what you are going through.
God Bless you.
 
Bruised Reed:
I can add very little as the advise upthread is excellent.
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You know, sometimes I wonder if I spend too much time on these forums. Maybe I do, but threads like this one are the reason for it.
You people are great.

mbielanski, I will pray for you.
 
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mbielanski:
I think back to all the nights that I was lonely and praying for my future husband…
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Can you recall what you were praying? And has the prayer been answered? Because God knows best, He gives us what we need, not what we want. He gives us what is best for us. Is there anything that you’re learning about yourself from this, and that perhaps you don’t like?

Your BF fell into the trap that society sets for us. He did the ordinary. Now he sees his mistakes for what they were, and has rededicated himself to God. He is doing the extraordinary. Could you go from ordinary to extraordinary?

Obsessing about this for seven months has to have hurt your relationship. By putting God first, your BF is deserving of your trust, not your scorn or jealousy. If you can’t look at him with new eyes and love and respect him for the extraordinary man that he has become, consider letting him go. He didn’t even know you back then so he didn’t sin against you personally, but you are making it very, very personal.

Taking this in prayer to the Blessed Sacrament will help. The Light of discernment will guide you.
 
He was the one who lost out on not waiting, not you. You did not lose out. If you marry, you’ll be the one who never had to worry about pregnancy out of wedlock. You’ll never know what it’s like to have sex in an uncommitted relationship. His mistakes have no doubtedly cause him pain and anxiety as sin does.

BTW, regarding the comparision, you should just stop worrying about that. Nothing compares to sex in a truly committed relationship. Let me tell you this as someone who has been married almost 15 years, your guy wasn’t in a relationship long enough to have perfected the art of becoming one with another person. The longer you’ve been in a real, committed, relationship (marriage) the more intimate you become. No other relationship could ever even come close to that. I’m sure anyone who has been in this kind of relationship will vouch for the fact that even after years of marriage you are still learning something about your spouse that nobody else ever got to learn physically, mentally and spiritually.
 
I passed through the same problem and I came only to one conclusion. Either accept it, or leave him. I chose the first one even though yes, it’s very hard and the jealousy and bitterness are so cruel sometimes but, that’s part of the past. The present is what you have now, the future… well that only God knows. Listen to your heart, it never fails.
 
There are two possibilities here:
  1. You need to size up your own moral failures in life and realize that those have created baggage that will someday affect your future husband just like his are affecting you. (I’m assuming here that you are not the sinless Blessed Mother) Also, an easy trap to fall into is to be jealous that he got to ‘play’ and you had to wait. Don’t do it. Fornication isn’t forbidden because it is too much fun. It’s wrong because it is destructive! Think about it.
OR
  1. Maybe your subconscious is telling you something. Just how long HAS he been a chaste, godly man? Did it pre-date seeing you? It’s hard to be sure that a sudden resurgence of piety that coincides with his interest in you is just a coincidence. Just how sure are you about his convictions? How chaste is his behavior towards YOU? (Must you fight him off?) If he hasn’t convincingly demonstrated his change of heart to you, then maybe you are actually on to something to worry about here.
 
Why are you so upset about this? He made some mistakes, does he sit there mulling over your sins and disappointments in his head? Probably not. Maybe it’s disappointing, but you really need to get over it.
You have put way too much emphasis on this, you see what it has already done. It has brought out already present insecurities and bitterness, because you won’t let it go.
Your pride is getting in the way.
My husband has done sexual things in his past relationships, I forgave him those and moved on. How would he know who he was going to be with?
You have built this up in your head so much, you need to face reality because what you are doing is an extreme reaction.
Sex is not the end all in life, and it is something that no one should mess around with until married, but your relationship is not based on sex, its your friendship, your love. Those are the things you need to focus on. He is with YOU now, not with his past girlfriends, he is with you because he loves you more. There is no need for insecurities, it just makes a situation a lot worse.
 
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hgracet:
Why are you so upset about this? He made some mistakes, does he sit there mulling over your sins and disappointments in his head? Probably not. Maybe it’s disappointing, but you really need to get over it.
You have put way too much emphasis on this, you see what it has already done. It has brought out already present insecurities and bitterness, because you won’t let it go.
Your pride is getting in the way.
My husband has done sexual things in his past relationships, I forgave him those and moved on. How would he know who he was going to be with?
You have built this up in your head so much, you need to face reality because what you are doing is an extreme reaction.
Sex is not the end all in life, and it is something that no one should mess around with until married, but your relationship is not based on sex, its your friendship, your love. Those are the things you need to focus on. He is with YOU now, not with his past girlfriends, he is with you because he loves you more. There is no need for insecurities, it just makes a situation a lot worse.
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Very well put!!
~ kathy ~
 
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manualman:
Fornication isn’t forbidden because it is too much fun. It’s wrong because it is destructive! Think about it.

That is such a good point! 👍
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I, too, waited for marriage, and my now husband did not. I found out early in our dating relationship, because I wanted him to know upfront that I was not going to have sex before marriage. There were many struggles along the way, and I had to deal with the same feelings you are having right now. (Once, at his parents house, his mom mistakenly called me by the previous girlfriend’s name!) It was so painful, but I did have to get over it.

Fast forward to today. This is no longer an issue at all. After 11 years of marriage, and 5 children, it seems so petty that I struggled with that. He clearly only wants me and there’s no reason for me to be jealous. If you feel God wanting you to stick this relationship out, then I think you will eventually come to terms with his past sins, and realize that you are the one he wants to be with and make a life with.

My prayers are with you. God will see you through this.
 
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mbielanski:
I found out he wasn’t a virgin by finding a letter written to him by an ex-girlfriend of four years ago and it talked about how good in bed he was .
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This is troubling. Why does he still have this letter? And why did you find out this way? Had BF lied to you about this and then you found out the truth, or had the topic just never come up, or had he sidestepped the topic? And why are you reading BF’s letters, were you suspicious, etc?

Not looking for a reply–simply things to ask yourself.
 
Dear mbielanski,

I wondered if perhaps I hadn’t made your post myself as it is almost my exact story. I sympathize with your pain. I have known my fiance for five years. I have liked him for three. I have known for 1 1/2 years that he is not a virgin. We have been dating for 1 year and engaged for 3 months. He feels the same way your boyfriend does. I am a virgin as you are. I wonder if I might know you becuase there must be precious few of us left in the world. The choices that we have made should not haunt us as they do, but we live in a world that haunts indiscriminately.
There was a time when I could not get through a day without the pain and sadness welling up within me. I would burst into tears or become very angry quite often. I am doing better now. Here are some reasons why:

~I am not perfect. This has been the biggest realization to help me get through this. I have done some wrong things. When I look at what he has done in relation to what I have done, it made the forgiveness easier.

~I stopped allowing the thoughts to get the best of me. I would close my mind to them when they came - shut them off completely. I don’t think it is good to think about it. Why. You have the facts - no need to embellish them in your mind.

~I asked him to ask for my forgiveness. I already knew that he wanted to be forgiven, but I just needed to hear it. This started the process of knowing that I had to forgive and settling in to find out how to forgive. Sounds like your boyfriend already has asked for forgiveness. This is good.

~I forgave him. First it was in my mind - asking myself serious questions - like - do I even love him or do I trust him . When I felt I could honestly answer yes to questions like this, I was able to tell him that I had forgiven him. The pain is still there. I don’t think one can forget. Maybe after a long time the images and pain will go away, but I don’t think it happens all of a sudden.

~I have made it very clear that I would not like to meet anyone with whom he has had sex. He has given away and she has stolen something that will rightfully be mine in 4 months. This is unacceptable. I know that you said that you know one of the girls. This must be very hard. I have nothing to offer here.

So I guess you have to ask yourself some hard questions. Do you love him (not just how I love cats or he loves dogs - no - really love him from 1 Corinthians 13 - true love - the decision)? Has he really changed? Can you trust him?

Furthermore, you must love yourself. You have made a beautiful choice. I praise you. I thank you for encouraging me in my choice probably without even knowing it. You have done the right thing and you have God to thank. No matter if your future husband is a virgin or not, you must be able to look him in the eyes on your wedding night and say, “My love, I love you. I have something to give you. I have waited all my life to give it to someone and I choose you and only you. You are my prince and my lover. I give you myself.” Only one man should hear that and he should be deserving.

God bless you. I will add you in my daily rosary intentions.
 
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