Please HELP: I'm a virgin and he's not

[tuopaolo]

I’ve only read the first couple posts.

I don’t think I will be all the helpful but here a few thoughts.

I didn’t realize that male virginity was so important to women, as female virginity is – and rightly so – to men.

All I can say is that no man you will find in this life, on this earth, will be perfect. So while his not waiting is a bad thing and something that cannot be changed, it’s just something you will have to settle for anyway since you will not find ever a man that is totally innocent … such men don’t even exist in heaven! Because, innocence once lost can never be restored, it can only be redeemed. Of all the human race, only Mary has the gift of innocence – she also at the same time has the gift of redemeption which is a kind of irony and paradox and marvel. So perhaps you should give your bf a chance to redeem himself, a chance to make up for what he did in the past.

His being absolved of his sins in confession doesn’t negate the obligation he has to make moral reparation – which is part of the reason a penance is assigned at confession, but you can always go beyond the assigned penance.

There’s a problem though and that is that no one really makes a perfect moral reparation on earth – that’s what purgatory is for! So even giving him the chance to make moral reparation, it’s just not going to happen with perfection. He may not have a 100% pure intention or he may goof up on it some other way. So you’re just going to have to settle for someone who 1) does not possess the gift of innocence 2) has not made perfect reparation for his sins. Perfection of man just doesn’t exist in this life. But a saintly woman who loves her man may want to, together with him, strive towards perfection as much as she and he can, knowing that whatever shortcomings as well as uncleaned blemishes that are present will one day be conquered by Christ’s love in heaven and beyond

 

[TobyLue]

*Psalm 103:11-12 No less than the height of heaven over earth is the greatness of his love for those who fear him; he takes our sins farther away than the east is from the west *(JB)

Hebrews 10:17. I will never call their sins to mind, or their offences.(JB)

Jer 31:34 …I will forgive their iniquity and never call their sin to mind.(JB)

*1 Cor 13: Love is always patient and king; it is never jealous; love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offence, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth, it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. *(JB)

I’m insecure, jealous, bitter, and absolutely hateful when it comes to this subject. I’m so hurt that he didn’t wait for me. He says he was a different person

Since God says He will remember our sins no more, we must do the same. This does not mean a complete wiping from our minds. God knows the past, present and future, but this is saying that God WILL NOT hold our past since against us once we have repented and confessed our sins. We must do the same. DO NOT ever bring up that subject again if you truly love him. You must love him for what he is right now. If you cant forget his past life, then you must move on and be honest with him and let him go. You must trust him that what he is telling you he loves you from his heart. You need to pray, pray also that he is being honest with you and has really changed. This can only come through love and love him enough to let him go.

When I started dating my wife, I told her about my past. It was on our third date. She told me about hers and after 20 years of marriage, we have never, ever, ever brought up that subject. It past, is gone, there is nothing we can do about it now except learn from those bad experiences. You must put your Trust in Providence that everything will work out according to God’s plan. If you can’t get rid of your insecurity, jealousy, bitterness and absolute hatefulness, then you need to pray to God to help you overcome these problems before you even think about marriage.

 

[TobyLue]

You also said that you only found out after finding a letter written to him by an ex-girlfriend. Did you ever think that maybe the reason he didn’t bring it up is because he really, really loves you and was afraid to hurt you if you found out his past. Did he ever make the claim that he was a virgin? What is bothersome also is that you say he has said over and over that he is ashamed and embarrassed about his past and you say** “But to me those are just words”.** No my dear, those are acts of love that he has the courage to tell you about his past. WHERE IS YOUR TRUST? WHERE IS YOUR FORGIVENESS? WHERE IS YOUR LOVE AND FORGETTING HIS PAST? How many times does he have to tell you over and over that he is ashamed? Do you keep bringing this up over and over? Maybe you do not love him but are in love with a dream of what you expected your mate to be.

 

[catholic2]

I’ll probably be on shaky ground here, but I’m a dad so let me offer some, well “advice”.

When you made a conscious decision to save yourself for your husband, you did not mean for it to be a one way street. Your future husband must necessarily have saved himself for you. So if the person does not fit into that frame, then do not even entertain the thought of getting into a relationship with him. Move on and find that one who is waiting for you! It is a wonderful thing that you have started in saving yourself for your future husband, and that it is through the love of Christ that you are doing it. Rest assured that God is faithful and will reward you for your faithfulness.

 

[robert_ambrose]

mbielanski:

I met my boyfriend about a year ago, and fell in love almost immediately. About 7 months ago, after a lot of wishfull thinking and denial on my part, I came to the awful realization that he had not waited. In fact had not waited about about 3 to 5 relationships before me, he won’t tell me the exact number. The last 7 months have been pure hell for me. I’m so disappointed and torn apart by it. I’m insecure, jealous, bitter, and absolutely hateful when it comes to this subject. I’m so hurt that he didn’t wait for me. He says he was a different person (he was raised and still is Catholic), that he was weak and stupid and not taught the same way I was. That if he had known what pain he was going to cause me he’d do it all differently. That he only wishes he could erase it all and be like me and begs me for forgiveness. I’m not even sure it’s a matter of forgiveness, but rather a question of wether I can live the rest of my life with someone who didn’t wait for me. Sometimes I break down completely when I think of him with those other girls and sometimes I hate God for inspiring me to be the way I am because if I hadn’t had waited I wouldn’t be so insecure. He’s been to confession, he’s in church every Sunday with me and says that he truly started living and living a good life since he met me. But my life has fallen apart and I cry so much. I just want it all to stop. Any advice, please? Anybody experienced the same situation? Pleas help. I’m so sad.

If you have to look back in his past maybe you are not ready to trust him yet ,which is natural,keep control and pray alot, read the parable of the labourers in the vineyard. God bless you

 

[Traditional_Ang]

Courtneyjo:

This is troubling. Why does he still have this letter? And why did you find out this way? Had BF lied to you about this and then you found out the truth, or had the topic just never come up, or had he sidestepped the topic? And why are you reading BF’s letters, were you suspicious, etc?

Not looking for a reply–simply things to ask yourself.

Courtneyjo:

God has intervened to save me from far worse than the man we’re discussing in this thread.

I’ll just say that I had to have “Help” in getting rid of certain info some 12 years ago. I can assume that the man in question tried to do it on his own and just couldn’t bring himself to do it.

I would ask where the letter was (hidden or simply in a place where it would have been forgotten). I also would want to know how long the man has been chaste and how he’s behaved on dates and such like.

But, at some point, our correspondent has to forgive her boyfriend, or, if she can’t do this, tell him that she just isn’t the woman for him.

I think that remembering that our Lord forgave St. Peter back after he denied him 3 times and after he fled the City of Rome trying to avoid his own martyrdom, that he forgave St. Paul after he (as Saul) had led the first persecution of the Church and that he accepted St. Augustine after he lived with a woman outside of wedlock might help regarding forgiveness.

I also think that, kneeling and sitting in front of the Crucifix, and telling our Lord that she just can’t bring herself to forgive him, and then begging for the grace to forgive him might also help.

On this one, there are no easy answers.

I don’t know if this will help. Both of the women who are having difficulties are in my prayers. May God help them with His grace.

Shalom, Michael

 

[shannin]

mbielanski:

I met my boyfriend about a year ago, and fell in love almost immediately. About 7 months ago, after a lot of wishfull thinking and denial on my part, I came to the awful realization that he had not waited. In fact had not waited about about 3 to 5 relationships before me, he won’t tell me the exact number. The last 7 months have been pure hell for me. I’m so disappointed and torn apart by it. I’m insecure, jealous, bitter, and absolutely hateful when it comes to this subject.

You must understand that WE ALL SIN. It’s good that you are chaste, I am too, but you must remember that WE ALL SIN IN DIFFERENT WAYS. If Jesus can forgive you for your sins, then why can’t you find it in your heart to forgive your b.f.? The jealousy that you say you feel is one of the seven deadly sins and hatred and bitterness are like poison.

I’m so hurt that he didn’t wait for me. He says he was a different person (he was raised and still is Catholic), that he was weak and stupid and not taught the same way I was. That if he had known what pain he was going to cause me he’d do it all differently. That he only wishes he could erase it all and be like me and begs me for forgiveness.

Your b.f. admits his sin - he says that he was weak and stupid and not taught the way you were. He’s sorry & begs your forgiveness. If you can’t find it in your heart to forgive him, then don’t marry him.

I’m not even sure it’s a matter of forgiveness, but rather a question of wether I can live the rest of my life with someone who didn’t wait for me. Sometimes I break down completely when I think of him with those other girls and sometimes I hate God for inspiring me to be the way I am because if I hadn’t had waited I wouldn’t be so insecure.

You say you hate God? Oh my, which is worse - your b.f.'s past sins or you expressing hatred towards God? It sounds to me like you need some serious help. Again, if you can’t live with what he did, then don’t marry him and make both of your lives miserable.

He’s been to confession, he’s in church every Sunday with me and says that he truly started living and living a good life since he met me. But my life has fallen apart and I cry so much. I just want it all to stop. Any advice, please? Anybody experienced the same situation? Pleas help. I’m so sad.

*Sounds like he’s a very nice young man but, I’m sorry, you need help. You should see a Catholic counselor or priest for his sake as well as yours. It sounds to me like you have some deep-rooted problems. *

 

[kq0010]

• why isn’t he a virgin.

mbielanski

thank you SO MUCH for fielding this e-ephemeral greatest-trauma. i am with you direly

how is 25 mates over ten years? that is reality for me. whatever reality is, or - whatever “truth” is

this is what a girl who i love has to offer for me. she cosmicly [and i mean cosmic - catastrophic, peerless, unexceptionable] seems to be the soul[wife] that i had wept to find for my entire life [quarter century]

entirely, it is so obnoxious. so tragic. so ridiculous. the sorriest reality that i have ever had the misfortune to be leveled-by. i am only a human. i can love as god loves, but i will be human until i die. this is like hell; having all that you ever wanted sitting right in your face, and being rejected from it, for eternity [seeming?]. the hope and optimism [amnesia - no past, no future, just present] of christ can only be so effective for a human, for the world

i had a dream one night - the worst dream that i have ever had in my life [worse than my satanic or macabre dreams even]. i found my beloved. but she didn’t know me. and she tried, but couldn’t even find a way to care, even. she had to return to her land soooo far, far, far away - to another, greater - other - to whom she had already long been dedicated. and when i awoke, i realized that it wasn’t a dream. and that it was even worse

what can be done. nothing can be done? you can be a fool for god? - dying to yourself even when it comes down to the realization that it will be your absolute free-choice that, to marry, - the world will no-longer, for the rest of your life, stop at your door - when you go home at night for safety and rest. no, invite satan-in, and sleep with him for the rest of your life. sleeping soul-to-soul with satan. entwined with satan, every night; he is in your house every day. by the greatest act of free-will in your entire life, making a promise to - off all [any!!] things - satan. satan as close to your spirit as you had ever-hitherto vehemently prohibited him from coming. you, with greatest skill and deliberatness, heroicly eluded the consummate mega-load of the world’s dirt for your whole life, and now, you stop, look back, and are asked by god to marry it. one funny god[smile]!!!

never-again, for this life, even the least security, the least refuge - EXACTLY LIKE CHRIST[smile]!!! “and the son of man has not even a place to lay his head”]. you will be even more sacred than the holiest, most ascetic, disciple that ever lived!! [smile] [marrying the satan that you, yourself, had already conquered] - you are not only exacting your entire self to laboring so-hard AMONG evil for your whole life - rather, you even forge even that huge last-step closer and MARRY! evil!!!

gravy! [smile]

god’s crazy world [smile]

looking for answers

 

[kq0010]

best regards to you m. and very best wishes

 

[kq0010]

with your terrible feelings now surfaced after so-so long, what do you wish that you would have done? married him still?? do you have any good thoughts on this subject which you last mentioned?

 

[kq0010]

mariainman:

The only guy who never sinned was Jesus. Maybe you should marry Him by becoming a Nun.

that’s ridiculous; i think this statement was posted to the wrong page

 

[kq0010]

1ke:

You are angry with him for something he did before he met you, something for which he has been to Confession and been absolved for, and something that he has no intention of repeating.

This is not about him, this is about you. He didn’t do anything to you, or to hurt you.

Anger, hate, jealousy, and the other emotions you seem to be feeling regarding this are completely disproportionate to the issue. I think you need to examine what has you so insecure and upset here. Talk to a priest and sort out your issues.

We are called to forgive-- as we heard in Mass just a few weeks ago… not 7 times but 70 times 7 times…

If you cannot forgive and forget-- as in completely-- then you need to stop this relationship and move on NOW. You cannot bring these sorts of emotions into a marriage. Read I Corinthians-- love is patient, kind, holds no grudges… etc…

he DID!! do something to you and to hurt you!! the greatest level of intimacy - disproportionate??? the fact is that he harmed his future wife. and if m marries him, she will be this wife who he harmed. harming someone in advance: brain-bender. everyone is supposed to come to marriage a virgin. why make excuses for belial??? are we supposed to love satan? so m is supposed to talk to a priest about being NORMAL??? - for being what she was SUPPOSED to be? - what EVERYONE - WAS - supposed to be?? “your issues?” - you mean “being a catholic human?” m needs to speak to a priest for her error of being righteous? and have you ever met a HUMAN who can “forgive completely??” the apostles even mentioned in their notes of others who had wronged them. so what the message to m is, is “if you are human, then you need to stop this relationship and move on NOW.” what a tall order, given that m was juked by the laws of god’s creation into loving someone before being informed of their critical compromization [newly coined word!]. “You cannot bring these sorts of emotions into a marriage” - translation: - humans should not marry, thus, none of us should exist. paul was a human; he was fallable. humans can only aspire to god and hope, hope, for a trumping existence in immortality

 

[kq0010]

hgracet:

Why are you so upset about this? He made some mistakes, does he sit there mulling over your sins and disappointments in his head? Probably not. Maybe it’s disappointing, but you really need to get over it.
You have put way too much emphasis on this, you see what it has already done. It has brought out already present insecurities and bitterness, because you won’t let it go.
Your pride is getting in the way.
My husband has done sexual things in his past relationships, I forgave him those and moved on. How would he know who he was going to be with?
You have built this up in your head so much, you need to face reality because what you are doing is an extreme reaction.
Sex is not the end-all in life, and it is something that no one should mess around with until married, but your relationship is not based on sex, its your friendship, your love. Those are the things you need to focus on. He is with YOU now, not with his past girlfriends, he is with you because he loves you more. There is no need for insecurities, it just makes a situation a lot worse.

that is an excellent response except for the minor statement “My husband has done sexual things in his past relationships, I forgave him those and moved on. How would he know who he was going to be with?”

he would have looked at himself and thought “huh. hmmm. i am a human; i have a mother and father; perhaps i have read the bible about leaving them and cleaving to a wife; one day i will probably be a father and have a wife; i will have a wife; therefore, i expect and wait for my wife.”

that is how he would know who he is going to be with. who else could he be with besides a woman, his wife?? i don’t see how this ratiocination is tricky. it seems really rudimental. if he is a human, he would deduce that he was going to be with his wife

 

[kq0010]

LovedOne:

manualman:

Fornication isn’t forbidden because it is too much fun. It’s wrong because it is destructive! Think about it.

That is such a good point!

then how could someone have blissfully reeled in it for a solid decade, killed a fetus for it, and still see it even somewhat fondly, even after three years of remarkable deliberate christian chastity and newfound zealously conscientious catholic convictions? such a person has informed me of how it is relatively a peccadilo

 

[kq0010]

m said “But to me those are just words”.

that is such an incredibly good assertion. i owe you for that verity. there has got to be something that can be felt. the need is for some in-your-face PROMISE of penitence. humans aren’t as good in feeling theory/abstraction as they are in speaking it. humans need demonstration, proof spoken by something more tangible, more rigorous, than words. i will trust an act over a word. a word is as arduous to propound as a breath. what is needed is something which requires the human to go as far as can be for an acceptable profession. how could i expect - anything - less from myself if i had so-run a sword through my best friend’s heart

 

[Joey1976]

I was in this same situation. I had to end the relationship cause i couldn’t handle it but there were other issues also. First, keep preaying about it. Second, never wish that you weren’t a virgin. I felt the same way you did, I thought if i wasn’t a virgin i wouldn’t mind that she wasn’t. But you did the right thing, stay pure!!! Just pray about it and if it is meant to be things will line up. If you can’t get over his past then it is not meant to be and you can’t live with that pain and you can’t keep punishing him for the things he did in the past. Whatever you decide to do, just don’t ever regret being a virgin. Stay Pure.

 

[kq0010]

“I am 26 years old and he is 28. So I’ve been waiting a while. But I was waiting always with hope that my husband was waiting for me. I think back to all the nights that I was lonely and praying for my future husband, and he was having sex. That makes me feel sick, understandably bitter”

this is an incredible saying. it’s as accurate, conscientious, cogent, as TRUTH gets. it is the keystone. excuses are for satan; one should be more penitent for their sin than the person who they betrayed. blame. unaccountability. god may forgive my sins, yet, i will not forgive my sins. i offended my own soul by offending another, god, the world. my soul is my gift from god. i offended my own greatest gift from god. i am going to tell god just how seriously i am taking his plan. if i am going to try to claim penitence, i will be more sorry for my sins than even god is. rife pusilanimosity is so trite these days. vaccuous. alright already; how about something interesting finally: penitence worthy of the appellation “penitence”

 

[GeorgeSutton]

Listen. One of my best friends is a convert to the faith. He previously lived an immoral life and is now seeking to lead a life conformed to Christ. He married a wonderful Catholic woman who never accepted his sins, but forgave them. Forgiving is not the same as justifying. God forgives, so you must forgive.

The Lord’s prayer says: “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

Even if you feel that his was a trespass against you, then you must forgive him if you wish to be forgiven by the Lord for your own trespasses.

This can be very hard, I know, bue pray about it, see a priest, see a counselor.

You will not be able to love your husband if you cannot forgive his mistakes. You do not need to condone his mistakes; you just have to realize that if the Almighty Judge can forgive your boyfriend, then you’d better darn sure get the help you need to forgive him, because we as humans are in no position to hold another person’s sins against them when they have been forgiven by the one who stands over us all.

Pray about it. Let go of your anger. Seek guidance from a priest; it may help.

 

[GeorgeSutton]

this is an incredible saying. it’s as accurate, conscientious, cogent, as TRUTH gets. it is the keystone. excuses are for satan; one should be more penitent for their sin than the person who they betrayed. blame. unaccountability. god may forgive my sins, yet, i will not forgive my sins. i offended my own soul by offending another, god, the world. my soul is my gift from god. i offended my own greatest gift from god. i am going to tell god just how seriously i am taking his plan. if i am going to try to claim penitence, i will be more sorry for my sins than even god is. rife pusilanimosity is so trite these days. vaccuous. alright already; how about something interesting finally: penitence worthy of the appellation “penitence”

I utterly disagree with this. Forgiving is not the same as condoning. You must forgive if God forgives. You must continue to hold yourself responsible, but you must realize that the weight of sin has been lifted by Christ. Continuing to hold yourself guilty and unforgiven is an affront to God who has forgiven you.