Please help me deal with the whole "not having a boyfriend" thing

[allthatisgold93]

Hello everyone. I’m sure this is going to seem silly, but I still cannot get rid of these feelings.

I’m 18 years old and have never, ever had a boyfriend before; not even a guy slightly interested in me! And I do not know why that is. I am a little shy, but am able to carry on conversations with guys…I just don’t like to throw myself at them, as I do not think that is very becoming of a young woman. I was homeschooled, which I will admit did keep the people I associated with to a minimum. However, I am now a sophomore in college, and still nothing has happened.

I’m sure it sounds petty, but it is so difficult to see all of my friends have boyfriends when I have no one. It’s a bit embarrassing, too. I feel like I’m ugly and like that might be the problem.

I’ve tried so many times to forget about having a relationship and to turn my thoughts to college, which is also very important to me. I have a 4.0 average, and work incredibly hard to maintain it…but the feelings still stay, no matter how much I try to focus on school.

I am asking for prayer, please, and some advice if you have the time. I just do not know what to do anymore, and it makes me feel badly about myself, and like I am a loser or something.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Take care and God bless.

 

[Trishie]

Of course you won’t feel any better just because anyone else might say, there is plenty of time yet. You feel sad about being alone and feeling uncherished anyway.

I understand your feelings, but it isn’t until later that you will realize how young 18 is and how blessed you are not to have the many issues and problems associated with dating at what is actually a young age. Yes, I know it doesn’t feel like that.
That everybody seems already to have paired…doesn’t make that ideal.

Some/many of them may have made serious errors or foolish decisions, but so far you have been safe from immature or mistaken errors in dating!

Being shy you might not even know if someone has quietly felt admiration for you but himself been shy enough to show anything. If we are self-doubting though, it’s as if we are flowers that are tightly closed so no one can see the true beauty of you when our petals open with more confidence, and if we project warmth towards others because we care more about and are interested in them.

It takes longer to launch an ocean liner than a canoe.
You are someone special, and it may just take a little more time for your special and truly good man, and you, to find each other.

Love and prayer,

Trishie

 

[TheRealJuliane]

You are still very young…Although you don’t see yourself that way, you have a lot of time to get attached to one particular young man or even date. You don’t really need a boyfriend but I’m sure it must get old, always been the singleton girl if all of your friends are dating or going with someone.

If you are shy, that can come across to guys, and they will be hesitant to approach you. You can’t help your temperament, and you shouldn’t try to change in order to lure a guy to you. But you can learn to make small talk in order to get to the next step with a guy (for him to ask you out). You can even ask a guy to meet you for coffee, although I don’t personally support girls asking guys out on real dates. Something really light like meeting for a coffee is just an opening, a small first conversation gambit.

My best advice is to get involved in groups, activities, and clubs. Join the choir at church. Join whatever college-age youth groups they have at church. Volunteer to help out with any ministries you are interested in. Mentor other students, that 4.0 is worth something to other students! Get busy, and stay busy. If you come into contact with any nice Catholic boys, great - just treat them with respect and things might happen or they might not. Eventually you will expand your social opportunities and if dating is what you want, then you can date. It’s kind of a back-door way to get there, but it works better than keeping focused on what you don’t have right now.

 

[JackVk]

Granted, I am a guy. But I may be able to help. Don’t judge yourself based on whether you have a boyfriend or not. Maybe now is not the time to have a boyfriend but to find yourself. But if it is, make sure your relationship is centered on God.

 

[skigirl1689]

Believe me, you have lots of time and I know a lot of girls who didn’t date in high school, not even in college. It’s tough, believe me, I know since I have cerebral palsy, am a senior in college with a 3.95 GPA, and no guy has expressed even the slightest interest in me. I struggle, especially when family members question if I have a boyfriend and then won’t drop the subject, but you really can’t focus on it. You CAN have a full life without a guy and still be happy

 

[lotus1922]

I totally get what you are going through— I am solidly in my mid-20s and have never had a real boyfriend either. Most of my friends are male, but the 1 or 2 that have ever admitted liking me at some point say they are too intimidated to ask me out (I am not interested in them as more than friends anyway, but I found that revelation to be surprising!).

A good woman is truly awe-inspiring to a good man, who will want to make sure he’s the best he can be to have someone so wonderful, so you could think of it as some sort of very profound compliment as to what kind of person you must be that you’ve been spared running into some of the jerks that are out there!

Pray to St. Raphael, the patron of young people considering the marriage vocation, for your future husband and for patience to wait for the time in both your lives when God sees you are ready for your paths to cross. Pray to the Holy Spirit for discernment to open your eyes about the young men that you meet at school, work, etc— like the story of Tobias, your eyes might be opened one day in ways you never thought possible!

And speaking from my own experience, getting involved in other activities that take the focus off yourself is a HUGE help in dealing with loneliness/ depression/ etc. Volunteer for a cause you have a passion for, pursue an enriching hobby or athletic activity, join youth clubs or other worthwhile campus activities, take part in church activities (there are plenty this time of year, from social gatherings to charity fundraisers, holiday meals, etc). You will meet so many interesting people while serving God’s kingdom on earth. These truly are the best years of your life, so enjoy them and develop the skills and passions God has given you to be the person He intended you to be!

 

[joshvanrad]

You still have a ton of life ahead of you and it may be best for you to go through the next few years of your life without a guy since the next few years will mold you into who you will be for the rest of your life. It’s best to just focus on your relationship with God for the time being and if the right guy comes along then don’t miss the opportunity.

Don’t fret, you have God on your side

Joshua

 

[djforce888]

As I guy who is a senior in college and has never had a girlfriend I can kind of relate to what you are going through. It is not easy and everyday is a battle. That is why we say…“and give us our daily bread.” We just have to trust in God and keep praying.

 

[Melinda_Selmys]

Hugs.

It’s hard to be left out of the boy-snatching popularity game, but I would say that playing it is simply not worthwhile. Having a boyfriend generally means having a guy that you follow awkward social scripts with, and with whom you share needless temptations to sexual sin It can be an ego boost, but it’s kind of addictive, and you can end up spending a lot of time with people that you’re not really interested in because you don’t want to lose the sense of being wanted, and being with someone, even if it’s not the right person.
I would say that the best thing to do is make friends with guys, keep those relationships alive and vibrant, and develop as many different aspects of your own personality as you can. The more diverse your interests are, the more ways you will have of relating to potential husbands – and the more colourful and attractive your personality will become. Also, if you’re worried about physical appearance keep in mind that people tend to break potential mates down into types, and then judge appearances from there: if you dress like a conservative Catholic girl, the competition is absolutely fierce, because there’s a severe shortage of men, and a severe oversaturation of ladies in the Catholic dating scene. If you dress like a science-fiction nerd, or a Heavy Metal fan, or some other male-saturated niche-market that fits with your interests, the odds swing in the opposite direction.
Finally, if you see the one that you’re sure you want to marry, go for it. Don’t sit around in your tower waiting for your prince to come – I’ve seen far too many Catholic girls raised with “traditional values” sit on the sidelines well into their 30s. Princes are in short supply these days, so if you don’t have suitors waiting beneath your window, pleading their troth, you’ll probably need to do some of the courting yourself.

Best of luck.

 

[JM3]

I’m sure it sounds petty, but it is so difficult to see all of my friends have boyfriends when I have no one. It’s a bit embarrassing, too. I feel like I’m ugly and like that might be the problem.

I will offer my feeble suggestions.

1. Talk to your girlfriends. They may have suggestions on the way you dress and look.
2. Change yourself. Not for guys, but for you. A hairstylist can help bring out your best features. (An aside - a woman’s beauty is in her eyes, literally and figuratively)
3. If there is someone you are interested in, find a way to be around them. You don’t have to talk to them, just be around them. They will notice sooner or later and if they are interested, they will show it.
4. A smile goes a long way.

 

[chevalier]

Hello everyone. I’m sure this is going to seem silly, but I still cannot get rid of these feelings.

Hello, and don’t worry. As you say, that is a little silly and let me help you go through what you already know.

I’m 18 years old and have never, ever had a boyfriend before; not even a guy slightly interested in me!

That’s not infrequent actually. It’s pretty normal in places where there is no special pressure to be active in a more or less promiscuous dating scene. You’re actually lucky because teen relationships never work out and they tend to tax away energy and time, leading to less studying, leading to worse perspectives for the future.

And I do not know why that is. I am a little shy, but am able to carry on conversations with guys…

And that’s all you need. Conversation is very important, by the way. Sometimes young people expect all sorts of very overt reality-changing things to happen when (or before) a relationship starts, it’s not really like that. Very often it takes a long stretch of time, mostly filled with conversation, then sooner or later the “just friends” discover (or not) that it’s not really “just friends”.

I just don’t like to throw myself at them, as I do not think that is very becoming of a young woman.

And you are right about that.

However, I am now a sophomore in college, and still nothing has happened.

Don’t live in a pressure for something to happen. Enjoy your life! You’re young! Everything tastes better, smells better and feels better when you’re 18. You also have a better physical constitution than you will ever have. That’s no time to sit and worry!

I’m sure it sounds petty, but it is so difficult to see all of my friends have boyfriends when I have no one. It’s a bit embarrassing, too. I feel like I’m ugly and like that might be the problem.

The embarrassment you talk about is part of how peer pressure works. Peer pressure has a couple of useful functions but it’s usability is limited. Not everybody who does not conform to the group’s standard has something wrong about him. People stand out whether it’s for the good or for the bad.

You already know that just getting a boyfriend (where it doesn’t matter what exactly boyfriend that would be) is no solution, right? You have no use for a boyfriend who is not husband material. Because that’s what you need. You need a husband when you have a couple more years of age, and it’s natural that there will be engagement and romance before it. But you don’t need a generic boyfriend to go out with. In fact, going out with someone you didn’t particularly care for would be such a bother! And such a useless loss of time and energy and freedom.

I’ve tried so many times to forget about having a relationship and to turn my thoughts to college, which is also very important to me. I have a 4.0 average, and work incredibly hard to maintain it…but the feelings still stay, no matter how much I try to focus on school.

Those feelings are probably an indication that you have a rather strong vocation to marriage. There is still time to meet a man you will love and respect and care for, and likewise he to you, until either of you dies.

I am asking for prayer, please, and some advice if you have the time. I just do not know what to do anymore, and it makes me feel badly about myself, and like I am a loser or something.

You are not a loser, though it may be hard not to feel that way at that age. I was there too. Now I’m actually not married myself, but if I am to regret anything, that’d be getting in relationships too fast rather than not getting into some. That and frittering my energy on girl chasing at some points in my life rather than studying. I certainly feel lonely sometimes but I very clearly see how having a generic girlfriend would not do anything good for my life, in fact this is a non-issue. Friends make good company for going out to and family are good people to visit and stay a whole day. There’s plenty of good, useful things that having a generic girlfriend or boyfriend precludes without giving anything real in return. And trust me, being in a relationship without a future hurts much more than not being in a relationship at all. That’s like the difference between longing, and having a huge rock pressing on you.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Take care and God bless.

You do as well!

 

[sparrowhawk28]

Stop convincing yourself that you’re the problem, and focus on waiting for the right person to come along. With God’s help, they will. Work to build up the friendships you have with guys and see where they lead or how they develop. Pursue a relationship because of who the other person is and not because of what the relationship is.

I’m 20 and have never dated. For a long time I saw that as a problem and convinced myself that there was something wrong with me. But now I’ve changed. Each relationship I have is so precious and so beautiful in its own way- to date just for the sake of dating seems like it would compromise my values or demean the other relationships I have. Every relationship should recognise the amazing beauty and potential of the people involved - they shouldn’t be a means of acquiring status or proving something.

I think a relationship should spring out of friendship. That way, you’ll already know the person deeply, and if you find that they don’t feel the same way about you then you haven’t particularly lost much as the friendship can be maintained. It’s only in the last year or so that I’ve really begun to form friendships with guys, and that’s helped me a lot. In doing so I’ve begun to understand what I should look for in a partner, and I’ve learned how to communicate a lot better. So it’s a worthwhile thing to be doing

I’m glad I haven’t dated, and I think you should be too. You have the ability to work out what you want from a romantic partner and from a relationship. In the season of Advent, we are specifically asked to be patient and to stay awake for Christ’s coming - why not extend that to this situation? Be patient, trust in God, and know that you have beauty and worth just waiting to be discovered, admired and loved by a person as wonderful as you are.

May God bless you now and always.

 

[Carina20]

Oh my goodness. It’s like I could have written this myself a few years ago. I know exactly where you are because I’ve been there. I know how it feels. It gets better but you just have to find another hobby to focus on. If you are constantly comparing yourself to other girls or always wondering if you are pretty enough, then it can make things worse. I was at a very low point in that before. I hated going out with my sister and my friend because they got all the attention and I got ignored. I felt angry at them and jealous but now I look back and realize how ridiculous it was. Look around at the relationships of your peers. Are they even functional? Are they even based on things that can sustain a lifelong partnership? Most likely, 98% of those would be ‘no’. Also watching my sister and my friends go through drama of dating and breakups really helped me see that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. During this time you should be learning about the things that keep a couple together for life and the thimgs that don’t. Then, when you get a boyfriend, you’ll know how to tell the difference between a liar and a good man. It’s not the end of the world if you don’t have a boyfriend now. It will happen but in the meantime focus on God always and get a new hobby so you will have something to do when you feel lonely.

 

[chemoangel]

Wow…I didn’t have a boyfriend until I was 29. I didn’t get married until I was 31…18 is nothing. You have the rest of your life to “get a boyfriend”. There is nothing unusual about it.

 

[1ke]

why do you want a boyfriend?

 

[silicasandra]

OP, I’m not saying this will happen for you, and I’m sure your friends are wonderful people. But I was in a similar situation to you, no boyfriends, no dating while all my friends went out on dates all the time.

In my mid-20s, I’m married with a little boy and those same friends are still engaging in the same kind of three-to-six month “relationships” that they did in high school. It’s all they know.

I tell you this not because I want you to think that a wand will get waved and magically you’ll find “the one,” but to tell you that circumstances change, and your friends dating now is not a reliable indicator at all that they know how to successfully maintain a mature adult relationship oriented toward marriage. They were just better at meeting people (or in some cases, they engage in self-destructive behavior to “get” the relationship, then wonder why it doesn’t work out.)

I used my college experience to find out who I was, what I valued, and what I wanted to accomplish. In the course of doing so I ran into the man who is now my husband. Challenge yourself to try new things and grow as a person. This has the side benefit of perhaps attracting someone to you, but it will also help you realize that there is more to life than having the “perfect” romantic relationship that everyone admires. I was able to begin dating my husband because I felt confident in myself and I knew that I wasn’t just throwing myself after yet another relationship opportunity. I liked him and I knew he liked me. When I was 18, I would have just been chasing him because that’s “what I was supposed to do.” Avoid that kind of mentality.

 

[Dakota_Roberts]

Hello everyone. I’m sure this is going to seem silly, but I still cannot get rid of these feelings.

I’m 18 years old and have never, ever had a boyfriend before; not even a guy slightly interested in me! And I do not know why that is. I am a little shy, but am able to carry on conversations with guys…I just don’t like to throw myself at them, as I do not think that is very becoming of a young woman. I was homeschooled, which I will admit did keep the people I associated with to a minimum. However, I am now a sophomore in college, and still nothing has happened.

I’m sure it sounds petty, but it is so difficult to see all of my friends have boyfriends when I have no one. It’s a bit embarrassing, too. I feel like I’m ugly and like that might be the problem.

I’ve tried so many times to forget about having a relationship and to turn my thoughts to college, which is also very important to me. I have a 4.0 average, and work incredibly hard to maintain it…but the feelings still stay, no matter how much I try to focus on school.

I am asking for prayer, please, and some advice if you have the time. I just do not know what to do anymore, and it makes me feel badly about myself, and like I am a loser or something.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Take care and God bless.

You are 18, assuming you are looking for someone to marry and not simply date then you are in a better than average position considering people in college are typically dating for narcissistic and sexual gratification. You only need one good man to marry, you don’t need a harem so chill out a little.

Pick up Dungeons and Dragons as a hobby, it’s fun and there isn’t exactly a shortage of guys

Hugs.

It’s hard to be left out of the boy-snatching popularity game, but I would say that playing it is simply not worthwhile. Having a boyfriend generally means having a guy that you follow awkward social scripts with, and with whom you share needless temptations to sexual sin It can be an ego boost, but it’s kind of addictive, and you can end up spending a lot of time with people that you’re not really interested in because you don’t want to lose the sense of being wanted, and being with someone, even if it’s not the right person.
I would say that the best thing to do is make friends with guys, keep those relationships alive and vibrant, and develop as many different aspects of your own personality as you can. The more diverse your interests are, the more ways you will have of relating to potential husbands – and the more colourful and attractive your personality will become. Also, if you’re worried about physical appearance keep in mind that people tend to break potential mates down into types, and then judge appearances from there: if you dress like a conservative Catholic girl, the competition is absolutely fierce, because there’s a severe shortage of men, and a severe oversaturation of ladies in the Catholic dating scene. If you dress like a science-fiction nerd, or a Heavy Metal fan, or some other male-saturated niche-market that fits with your interests, the odds swing in the opposite direction.
Finally, if you see the one that you’re sure you want to marry, go for it. Don’t sit around in your tower waiting for your prince to come – I’ve seen far too many Catholic girls raised with “traditional values” sit on the sidelines well into their 30s. Princes are in short supply these days, so if you don’t have suitors waiting beneath your window, pleading their troth, you’ll probably need to do some of the courting yourself.

Best of luck.

You may also want to check out the engineering department if you have one, it’s usually 80%+ male and typically conservative, also D&D is heavily male dominated, but not so conservative.

Melinda, I adore you. Someone else who knows the word troth

 

[ToeInTheWater]

You already know that just getting a boyfriend (where it doesn’t matter what exactly boyfriend that would be) is no solution, right? You have no use for a boyfriend who is not husband material. Because that’s what you need. You need a husband when you have a couple more years of age, and it’s natural that there will be engagement and romance before it. But you don’t need a generic boyfriend to go out with. In fact, going out with someone you didn’t particularly care for would be such a bother! And such a useless loss of time and energy and freedom.

Chev, I think it’s time for another one of these for you!

To the OP: Well, before I offer much advice, I would like to know more about exactly why you want a boyfriend. Is it because you feel a vocation to the married life and would like to start the process of finding your future spouse? Is it so you don’t have to go alone to dance parties and other “couples” type events? Or is it just because you think it’s what’s “normal” for people your age? Because it would boost your self-esteem if you had a lot of guys asking you out? Do you really want to gauge your worth as a person based on whether you have a generic boyfriend?

I can relate, since I didn’t have a “boyfriend” until senior year of high school, and that actually wound up ending disastrously once I went away to college. Looking back, I realize that I started dating him more because I wanted someone to go out on dates with, because I didn’t want to go “stag” to social events, etc. Not that I didn’t like the guy for himself, but I wasn’t thinking “oh he’s marriage material”. I wasn’t even thinking ahead that far. I’m not dating right now, and I really don’t find it to be that much of an issue. Also because most of my peers are either settled down and are in the “married with children” demographic, or are living rather destructive, nihilistic lives that I don’t envy at all.

 

[Armyvet007]

I am very introverted, had 0 social life, hadn’t even planned on looking for a wife until I was 27 and ended up meeting and marrying my wife at 25 (and this without me dating or having a social life). Focus on your school work (good job on the GPA by the way), let God worry about when you will meet your husband.

 

[mark_a]

This guy is right:

I am very introverted, had 0 social life, hadn’t even planned on looking for a wife until I was 27 and ended up meeting and marrying my wife at 25 (and this without me dating or having a social life). Focus on your school work (good job on the GPA by the way), let God worry about when you will meet your husband.

If you are not ready for a husband, forget boyfriends. Concentrate on your college work. You don’t need a boyfriend to distract you. You are on the right path.

Keep up the good work!!!