Please help me with this question about Marriage and Grave Sexual Sin

  • Thread starter Thread starter JRCatholic1
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
TARSUS_PADDY said:
Please do not even contemplate entering marriage with this lady until you have told
her.If you seriously think you could carry this burden through marriage you are deluding yourself! You have betrayed this girl and it’s only right and proper that she gets time to absorb and react to your action. If you really love her as much as you claim then you have one shot at persuading her to allow you to prove your fidelity and loyalty…good luck to you on that score but she must be given the choice to accept you or shun you. Prayer and time are essential at this time and I will certainly remember you in my prayers tonight. God Bless
Click to expand...
I would agree with this. Visiting a prostitute is a very specific and deliberate action and indicates something about you. Whenever I’ve heard that a fellow used prostitution, my good opinion of them has been irretrievably lost. Your girlfriend might be more accepting and forgiving than me, but I think discovering that sort of info after a marriage has taken place would be the one thing that would make me go all Lorena Bobbitt.

This is one of the oldest and most serious sicknesses of mankind (prostitution) and you seriously need to deal with your soul til it is scrubbed immaculately clean. Don’t go into a marriage with this dark area.
 
LongingSoul said:
I would agree with this. Visiting a prostitute is a very specific and deliberate action and indicates something about you. Whenever I’ve heard that a fellow used prostitution, my good opinion of them has been irretrievably lost. Your girlfriend might be more accepting and forgiving than me, but I think discovering that sort of info after a marriage has taken place would be the one thing that would make me go all Lorena Bobbitt.

This is one of the oldest and most serious sicknesses of mankind (prostitution) and you seriously need to deal with your soul til it is scrubbed immaculately clean. Don’t go into a marriage with this dark area.
Click to expand...
But, morally, a non-marital sexual act is no more or less sinful if it’s with a prostitute rather than a girl you met in a bar, or a girlfriend, or even his fiance.

Fornication is the same sin in all those cases.

God Bless
 
Let’s turn the situation around:
To the original poster, what if the situation was reversed and your female fiancee had sexual contact/relations with a male escort in the same time frame and circumstance as yourself?

Would you feel you have a need to be told that information?
 
It’s still an act of sexuality. She has the right to know.
 
As a woman, if my fiance had come to me and told me that he had done that, I would be devastated. But I could probably eventually learn to look past it, and I could see myself still marrying him in spite of it after we had worked past it.

If I found out after we were married that he had lied to me about something that I feel is personally relevant to me and our relationship, it would break my heart. I may seek annulment if there were no children when I found out. If there were, I would “stick it out” for the sake of faithful obedience, but I can definitely see feeling dead inside and never trusting him again. What was a “marriage” becomes my cross.

Your wife becomes yours, and you become hers; don’t you think she deserves to know what she’s getting?
 
Why, if you have no intention of being faithful, did you ask some one to marry you? There is not one good “excuse” on this planet for what you did. Then to try to make light of it by saying it was “just” a certain act. Ewwwwww

She needs to know. She needs to make an informed decision on whether or not you are someone ready to be married, if she can get past this enormous indiscretion of yours, etc. an engagement is not a discernment period, IMO. It means you have already done the discerning & know she is the person you want to be with forever.
 
bilop said:
But, morally, a non-marital sexual act is no more or less sinful if it’s with a prostitute rather than a girl you met in a bar, or a girlfriend, or even his fiance.

Fornication is the same sin in all those cases.

God Bless
Click to expand...
Of course it is not the same sin. Yes, one aspect of the gravity of the sin will be the same, but there are additional aspects of its gravity that are different.
 
PaulfromIowa said:
You should discuss this with your confessor. There is no rule that one must tell his spouse all his past sins but I would think that you should not attempt marriage anytime soon after being with a prostitute.
Click to expand...
I agree 2,000%! If you want to break up with your fiancé, I can’t think of a better way than to admit to what you say you did. In fact, if one of her friends reads this site, she may know already.
Even if she says she forgives you now, 20 or 30 years from now, during an inevitable family fight (argument), she will hit you in the teeth with it!
Your best and only recourse is to discuss this with your priest during your next confession -just as others have recommended.
I know about this from bitter personal experience. I was a sailor for many years before I married. During the late phase of my courtship, after I had proposed but before I got married, I admitted to my intended that I “alley catted” about all over the world. Needless to say, this was thrown up in my face during every argument we had during the marriage, and especially when I had to go back to sea in order to support my family!
Unfortunately, she divorced me after 10 years of marriage, and part of the reason was the jealousy engendered by my admissions to her before we were married. BE WARNED!
 
George_Stegmeir said:
I agree 2,000%! If you want to break up with your fiancé, I can’t think of a better way than to admit to what you say you did. In fact, if one of her friends reads this site, she may know already.
Even if she says she forgives you now, 20 or 30 years from now, during an inevitable family fight (argument), she will hit you in the teeth with it!
Your best and only recourse is to discuss this with your priest during your next confession -just as others have recommended.
I know about this from bitter personal experience. I was a sailor for many years before I married. During the late phase of my courtship, after I had proposed but before I got married, I admitted to my intended that I “alley catted” about all over the world. Needless to say, this was thrown up in my face during every argument we had during the marriage, and especially when I had to go back to sea in order to support my family!
Unfortunately, she divorced me after 10 years of marriage, and part of the reason was the jealousy engendered by my admissions to her before we were married. BE WARNED!
Click to expand...
So he keeps this from her, and she continues on believing that that man she marries is free of sexual contact. Let’s say they conceive a child, and because she believes that they were both “clean” so to speak, she opts out of the certain procedures they do on newborns to protect them if the mother has an STD. She says “no thanks, don’t need it” so her newborn now has an STD, because of his deception?

No, no, no!! Tell her. Maybe she’ll marry you, maybe she won’t, but she deserves to make an informed decision!
 
George_Stegmeir said:
I agree 2,000%! If you want to break up with your fiancé, I can’t think of a better way than to admit to what you say you did. In fact, if one of her friends reads this site, she may know already.
Even if she says she forgives you now, 20 or 30 years from now, during an inevitable family fight (argument), she will hit you in the teeth with it!
Your best and only recourse is to discuss this with your priest during your next confession -just as others have recommended.
I know about this from bitter personal experience. I was a sailor for many years before I married. During the late phase of my courtship, after I had proposed but before I got married, I admitted to my intended that I “alley catted” about all over the world. Needless to say, this was thrown up in my face during every argument we had during the marriage, and especially when I had to go back to sea in order to support my family!
Unfortunately, she divorced me after 10 years of marriage, and part of the reason was the jealousy engendered by my admissions to her before we were married. BE WARNED!
Click to expand...
This is terrible advice. “Act selfishly without thinking about what your fiancee would want so that you can get her to stay with you even if that means she never truly knows who you are” Sorry, but that kind of relationship would not be a real marriage. In real marriages you don’t have to hide things from your spouse because you are afraid they will leave you. You tell your spouse everything before you get married so that they can accept you as you are sins and all, and then you both work to get to know and love each other more and more every day, to learn to act selflessly out of love for the other, to become more closely united through this sacrificing love on a daily basis. Its not about hiding who you are and what you’ve done so that you can trick somebody into doing what you want (staying with you). OP, again, unless you know your fiancee would prefer not to know tell her, now, before you get married.
 
George_Stegmeir said:
I agree 2,000%! If you want to break up with your fiancé, I can’t think of a better way than to admit to what you say you did. In fact, if one of her friends reads this site, she may know already.
Even if she says she forgives you now, 20 or 30 years from now, during an inevitable family fight (argument), she will hit you in the teeth with it!
Your best and only recourse is to discuss this with your priest during your next confession -just as others have recommended.
I know about this from bitter personal experience. I was a sailor for many years before I married. During the late phase of my courtship, after I had proposed but before I got married, I admitted to my intended that I “alley catted” about all over the world. Needless to say, this was thrown up in my face during every argument we had during the marriage, and especially when I had to go back to sea in order to support my family!
Unfortunately, she divorced me after 10 years of marriage, and part of the reason was the jealousy engendered by my admissions to her before we were married. BE WARNED!
Click to expand...
Part of being in a committed relationship is learning to forgive and let things go. It’s too bad your ex couldn’t do this. We all need to grow up and realize that none of us is free from sin even if we haven’t committed sexual sins, if we hold onto grudges and keep bringing up what we say we’ve forgiven, we’re no better than the spouse who sinned in the first place. Marriage has to be built on mutual forgiveness and understanding. Without it no marriage will stand the test of time.
 
bilop said:
But, morally, a non-marital sexual act is no more or less sinful if it’s with a prostitute rather than a girl you met in a bar, or a girlfriend, or even his fiance.

Fornication is the same sin in all those cases.

God Bless
Click to expand...
There is certainly a moral difference between engaging in fornication with another out of lustful weakness or ignorance of sexual morality… and paying for the use of another human beings body for sexual gratification alone. This act says something significant about how a person views women and sex. It’s like rape in the sense that the core value of a human being is denied by the act. If a person thinks there are ‘grades’ of women that have varying uses, then they just don’t get the fundamentals of being a human being in the Catholic sense.

His fiance needs that valuable piece of information.
 
This isn’t the type of sin that’s one and done. You’ve opened pandora’s box and will need to speak honestly about it with your intended about it and here’s why.
  1. the golden rule. in other words if the tables were turned you’d want to be told.
  2. you will need her prayers and support to fight this battle going forward.
  3. this type of sin thrives on secrecy. having a partner you can be open with about it will be instrumental in conquering it.
  4. a husband protects his wife and always looks out for her interests. you would fail in this by not telling her when she still has the freedom to not marry.
 
No. You are not obligated to tell her nor should you.

Many people are under the false impression that by withholding something like this you are doing wrong. You are actually doing more harm by sharing this and burdening your future wife with this information that will always be in the back of her mind.

You made a bad decision and committed a grave sin. Obviously confess it, but do not burden your future wife with this imagery under the impression that you are doing good for your relationship. It is your burden to shoulder alone.
 
Antecedent said:
No. You are not obligated to tell her nor should you.

Many people are under the false impression that by withholding something like this you are doing wrong. You are actually doing more harm by sharing this and burdening your future wife with this information that will always be in the back of her mind.

You made a bad decision and committed a grave sin. Obviously confess it, but do not burden your future wife with this imagery under the impression that you are doing good for your relationship. It is your burden to shoulder alone.
Click to expand...
And if he contracts an STD & passes it on to her someday, what then? Should she still not need to know?
 
_Jenn said:
And if he contracts an STD & passes it on to her someday, what then? Should she still not need to know?
Click to expand...
👍

I think there are two things you always need to discuss with a future spouse: sex and money. Are all the gruesome details needed? No, but even if the partner or the credit card purchases happened in the past, they are going to affect the marriage.

In this instance, you’ve got a sex and money issue. She needs to know.
 
Antecedent said:
No. You are not obligated to tell her nor should you.

Many people are under the false impression that by withholding something like this you are doing wrong. You are actually doing more harm by sharing this and burdening your future wife with this information that will always be in the back of her mind.

You made a bad decision and committed a grave sin. Obviously confess it, but do not burden your future wife with this imagery under the impression that you are doing good for your relationship. It is your burden to shoulder alone.
Click to expand...
Here’s the thing, she has a right to know that the person she’s marrying has intentionally cheated. It would not be unreasonable for her to hear that and decide that he isn’t someone that she feels comfortable making a permanent and lifelong commitment to. In not telling her and going ahead with the marriage he is tricking her to get what he wants. That is not something that people ready for marriage do. There’s no place for that kind of selfishness in a marriage.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
Here’s the thing, she has a right to know that the person she’s marrying has intentionally cheated. It would not be unreasonable for her to hear that and decide that he isn’t someone that she feels comfortable making a permanent and lifelong commitment to. In not telling her and going ahead with the marriage he is tricking her to get what he wants. That is not something that people ready for marriage do. There’s no place for that kind of selfishness in a marriage.
Click to expand...
This!
 
BlueEyedLady said:
Here’s the thing, she has a right to know that the person she’s marrying has intentionally cheated. It would not be unreasonable for her to hear that and decide that he isn’t someone that she feels comfortable making a permanent and lifelong commitment to. In not telling her and going ahead with the marriage he is tricking her to get what he wants. That is not something that people ready for marriage do. There’s no place for that kind of selfishness in a marriage.
Click to expand...
Exactly! And by the way, I just have to say, I love your quote. Mr. Rogers was the best! 👍
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top