Please help me with this question about Marriage and Grave Sexual Sin

[LilyRose_8891]

If this had happened before the two of you met, it would be more of a gray area. But since this happened after you and she became a couple, you need to tell her. Withholding such information is grounds for annulment, and so it’s something serious that she needs to know.

I would also suggest that you spend some time reflecting and try to find out why you did what you did. There must be some reason you cheated on her - Is she not meeting your needs emotionally? Is there something missing in your relationship with her that led you to seek companionship elsewhere? Are you maybe not yet mentally and emotionally prepared to commit yourself to one person and one person only? I’m not saying any of these are the reason, but it would be helpful to have a “why” behind the matter. If you two stay together and do get married, it would be helpful to identify and fix the problem now rather than allowing it to escalate. I strongly think you should put the wedding on hold until this gets worked out.

I didn’t read all the replies, so forgive me if I’m repeating what someone else already said.

All in all, you do need to tell her. Hope it all works out.

 

[Evania]

Wouldn’t you want to know if the person you were planning to marry stepped out on you? Regardless if you tell her or not, you might want to consider putting this marriage on hold until the issue of why the prostitute was visited in the first place is resolved. There are deep issues there.

 

[HollyDolly]

If this had happened before the two of you met, it would be more of a gray area. But since this happened after you and she became a couple, you need to tell her. Withholding such information is grounds for annulment, and so it’s something serious that she needs to know.

I would also suggest that you spend some time reflecting and try to find out why you did what you did. There must be some reason you cheated on her - Is she not meeting your needs emotionally? Is there something missing in your relationship with her that led you to seek companionship elsewhere? Are you maybe not yet mentally and emotionally prepared to commit yourself to one person and one person only? I’m not saying any of these are the reason, but it would be helpful to have a “why” behind the matter. If you two stay together and do get married, it would be helpful to identify and fix the problem now rather than allowing it to escalate. I strongly think you should put the wedding on hold until this gets worked out.

I didn’t read all the replies, so forgive me if I’m repeating what someone else already said.

All in all, you do need to tell her. Hope it all works out.

Good advice. If a man did that to me I would be upset. i know men go to prostitutes and look at girlie magazines and porn. That i can accept it’s as old as mankind.And yes they had what we today would consider porn back in the days of the romans.
What would upset me is we are going together,and you went to a hooker for a “handjob” or to have her play the "skin flute. First of all if we are engaged, and getting married, I can do that for you.Maybe that shocks people,but married couples do those things,and even those engaged to be married.But most importantly, it makes me wonder if you can be faithful. Sure she was a hooker and that’s their profession,but it makes me wonder if you might do something with someone we know. Since it was a prostitute I would most likely forgive you,since the chances of running into the same woman again are slim,and hopefully it put a good scare into you for medical reasons.But I would tell you maybe that we need to seperate for awhile, so you could decide whether or not you really want to marry me. Hopefully you would explain why you did it.If you feel that i don’t meet your needs in an emotional or spiritual manner,than maybe we would be better off apart.
I would wish you well with whomever you chose for a future wife.Maybe this lady isn’t the one for you.Could you talk about this to another male relative,like your dad ,brother, uncle or grandpa about this? Or maybe someone whose a friend? They might give you some insights into why you did it.You wouldn’t be the first man whose engaged who did something like this.Lots of others have too. I think maybe just hold off on any wedding plans right now.

 

[Della]

Good advice. If a man did that to me I would be upset. i know men go to prostitutes and look at girlie magazines and porn. That i can accept it’s as old as mankind.And yes they had what we today would consider porn back in the days of the romans.
What would upset me is we are going together,and you went to a hooker for a “handjob” or to have her play the "skin flute. First of all if we are engaged, and getting married, I can do that for you.Maybe that shocks people,but married couples do those things,and even those engaged to be married.But most importantly, it makes me wonder if you can be faithful. Sure she was a hooker and that’s their profession,but it makes me wonder if you might do something with someone we know. Since it was a prostitute I would most likely forgive you,since the chances of running into the same woman again are slim,and hopefully it put a good scare into you for medical reasons.But I would tell you maybe that we need to seperate for awhile, so you could decide whether or not you really want to marry me. Hopefully you would explain why you did it.If you feel that i don’t meet your needs in an emotional or spiritual manner,than maybe we would be better off apart.
I would wish you well with whomever you chose for a future wife.Maybe this lady isn’t the one for you.Could you talk about this to another male relative,like your dad ,brother, uncle or grandpa about this? Or maybe someone whose a friend? They might give you some insights into why you did it.You wouldn’t be the first man whose engaged who did something like this.Lots of others have too. I think maybe just hold off on any wedding plans right now.

Ah, no. Devout engaged women DON’T engage in such intimate sexual contact before marriage. This is probably why he sought out a prostitute–so he could get his jollies with someone willing to do it that he would never see again. And if his male relatives think this is just fine, then they’re not going to help him be repentant of it. This lax attitude towards sex, so common in our society now days, contributed to him going to a prostitute in the first place.

 

[Evania]

But, morally, a non-marital sexual act is no more or less sinful if it’s with a prostitute rather than a girl you met in a bar, or a girlfriend, or even his fiance.

Fornication is the same sin in all those cases.

God Bless

Let’s not twist this.

Certainly, all fornication is a sin. However, he didn’t just fornicate, but he also commited this sin against a woman who should know lest she enter into a marriage that she probably wouldn’t agree to otherwise. He’s being deceitful in not letting her know so she won’t be able to make an informed decision.

 

[Evania]

Good advice. If a man did that to me I would be upset. i know men go to prostitutes and look at girlie magazines and porn. That i can accept it’s as old as mankind.And yes they had what we today would consider porn back in the days of the romans.
What would upset me is we are going together,and you went to a hooker for a “handjob” or to have her play the "skin flute. First of all if we are engaged, and getting married, I can do that for you.Maybe that shocks people,but married couples do those things,and even those engaged to be married.But most importantly, it makes me wonder if you can be faithful. Sure she was a hooker and that’s their profession,but it makes me wonder if you might do something with someone we know. Since it was a prostitute I would most likely forgive you,since the chances of running into the same woman again are slim,and hopefully it put a good scare into you for medical reasons.But I would tell you maybe that we need to seperate for awhile, so you could decide whether or not you really want to marry me. Hopefully you would explain why you did it.If you feel that i don’t meet your needs in an emotional or spiritual manner,than maybe we would be better off apart.
I would wish you well with whomever you chose for a future wife.Maybe this lady isn’t the one for you.Could you talk about this to another male relative,like your dad ,brother, uncle or grandpa about this? Or maybe someone whose a friend? They might give you some insights into why you did it.You wouldn’t be the first man whose engaged who did something like this.Lots of others have too. I think maybe just hold off on any wedding plans right now.

Since when is something right for the mere reason that “people do these things”. It doesn’t shock me that people do these things, however I guess I’m failing to see the logic of, “Oh honey, I know we aren’t supposed to do anything before marriage. Please let me give you a hand job so you don’t jeopardize your immortal soul by seeing a prostitute.” Huh?

Second of all, what would it matter if you are less likely to run into the woman who your fiancé betrayed you with? The fact is the woman was betrayed period. It doesn’t matter if she never sees the woman again. Seeing a prostitute is a deliberate and knowing act. One thing didn’t lead to another in a moment of weakness, and spiraled out of control in the heat of the moment. Both scenarios are sinful for sure, but one is worse in my opinion, because it was a deliberate, knowing act. This person took the time to seek a person out, arrange a meeting, drive to them etc…If it was only about a “hand job”, there is masturbation, but he sought someone else. The young woman needs to be informed. There will be many instances in which abstinence comes into a marriage.

More than likely the young woman is chaste, and the OP, instead of realizing what a great gift his fiancée is giving him by being chaste, visited a prostitute because he has trouble waiting for such a great gift. I feel deeply sorry for this young woman. Without letting her know the gravity of problems she may be entering into up front, he complicates her life needlessly. Marriage isn’t for boys. It takes a man to be faithful, to own up to mistakes, and accept the fall out, whatever that may be. It’s an act of cowardice to step out on someone you love and then hide it, because you don’t want to face the very real fall out for your actions.

 

[mommamaree]

But, morally, a non-marital sexual act is no more or less sinful if it’s with a prostitute rather than a girl you met in a bar, or a girlfriend, or even his fiance.

Fornication is the same sin in all those cases.

God Bless

This is not the teaching of the Church. Prostitution adds other sins, human trafficking as an example, to the sin of extramarital sex. Prostitution is not simply fornication, just as rape or incest is not simply fornication.

 

[Artar1]

Evania,

I like what you have posted.

For the life of me, I don’t understand prostitution, maybe I never will.

I’ve been propositioned three times in my life: once on the street in San Francisco, once by my barber acting as a pimp for a woman working her way through college, and once when I was 16 by my uncle’s girlfriend who wasn’t interested in being paid. In all three cases, I hadn’t sought anything, but when presented with the notion of sex for hire, or sex by seduction, my reaction was the same, “No thank you.”

I don’t what to seem pious or self-righteousness but what this man has done is very hurtful. If I were his fiancé, I would be shocked, then devastated. I wouldn’t want him to touch me. I probably would break off the marriage. If I were her father, I would strongly advise her to dump him, sooner the better.

I can’t help but think the poster has floated a trial balloon of sorts to gauge what the reaction might be if he were to confess to his fiancé. It’s certainly presumptuous, indeed, to assume there’s a 99% chance she would forgive him. I’m not so sure about that. Maybe he is also trying to ease his conscious in the process by confessing anonymously, rather than doing the right thing.

In any event, would it be an understatement to say that his sexuality is cut off from his feelings and perhaps his conscience, not to mention his judgment?

 

[Antecedent]

Here’s the thing, she has a right to know that the person she’s marrying has intentionally cheated. It would not be unreasonable for her to hear that and decide that he isn’t someone that she feels comfortable making a permanent and lifelong commitment to. In not telling her and going ahead with the marriage he is tricking her to get what he wants. That is not something that people ready for marriage do. There’s no place for that kind of selfishness in a marriage.

You are not ‘tricking’ her, as a matter of fact you are saving her the needless burden of detailing sexual mistakes you have made which have he possibility of poisoning your future marriage.

Christ says: “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’[a] 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Do you confess to your spouse any time you have committed adultery in your heart? Should you? Is that different? Christ doesn’t think so.

We live in a culture where people confuse what is truly love already.

Love means doing the best for the other.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

You are not ‘tricking’ her, as a matter of fact you are saving her the needless burden of detailing sexual mistakes you have made which have he possibility of poisoning your future marriage.

Christ says: “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’[a] 28 But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Do you confess to your spouse any time you have committed adultery in your heart? Should you? Is that different? Christ doesn’t think so.

We live in a culture where people confuse what is truly love already.

Love means doing the best for the other.

How is it best for her to marry a man who would do something like this to her without her ever knowing or having the opportunity to decide if that’s someone she wants to share her life with? That’s not best for her, that’s best for him. What’s best for her is allowing her to go in to marriage with her eyes open as to the kind of person he is, or decide that she would rather not.

Honestly, when a couple is married, if there is infidelity that is really just a one time mistake I do think that there are circumstances where it is best not to tell. But that is never, ever the case before marriage. That’s trickery.

 

[tjones80]

Hello,

I was reading in the forums and someone mentioned that an annulment can be due to one party withholding grave information, or something like that.

My question is, can me and my fiancé get married if I have not told her one of my grave sins?

I know I am a terrible sinner, and I went to a prostitute last month while we were together. I cheated, and with a prostitute… I will never do it again and I went to confession, but does she need to know this in order to be able to freely choose to marry me? Do I need to tell her?

Please help.

And pray.

Thank you.

Well you should get checked for STD’s and especially HIV. Going to a prostitute is playing Russian roulette with your health and possibly your life. You do not have to tell her about this sin.

 

[Antecedent]

How is it best for her to marry a man who would do something like this to her without her ever knowing or having the opportunity to decide if that’s someone she wants to share her life with? That’s not best for her, that’s best for him. What’s best for her is allowing her to go in to marriage with her eyes open as to the kind of person he is, or decide that she would rather not.

Honestly, when a couple is married, if there is infidelity that is really just a one time mistake I do think that there are circumstances where it is best not to tell. But that is never, ever the case before marriage. That’s trickery.

So if OP thinks this sin creates the possibility of any unfaithfulness he should not marry her at all or any one else. Period. Throwing the burden on her of his past sins and making HER decide is the ultimate cop out. She carries all the burden and you have none.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

So if OP thinks this sin creates the possibility of any unfaithfulness he should not marry her at all or any one else. Period. Throwing the burden on her of his past sins and making HER decide is the ultimate cop out. She carries all the burden and you have none.

Taking the liberty of deciding for her that she should marry someone so intentionally, recklessly, and selfishly unfaithful is a huge injustice against her. She has a right to determine for herself, with all relevant information, whether or not this is a commitment she wants to make.

If this comes out later and she can honestly say " If I had known I wouldn’t have married you", that’s grounds for an annulment.

 

[Antecedent]

Taking the liberty of deciding for her that she should marry someone so intentionally, recklessly, and selfishly unfaithful is a huge injustice against her. She has a right to determine for herself, with all relevant information, whether or not this is a commitment she wants to make.

If this comes out later and she can honestly say " If I had known I wouldn’t have married you", that’s grounds for an annulment.

Slowly walking back out of the room.

Love is doing what is best for the other. Sometimes this runs contrary to the legalistic mentality of courtroom trial being advocated here.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Slowly walking back out of the room.

Love is doing what is best for the other. Sometimes this runs contrary to the legalistic mentality of courtroom trial being advocated here.

You really think that it would be best for you if a man asked you to marry him, visited a prostitute, and then didn’t tell you? You would really want to marry a man who would do things like that, both the infidelity and the deception? Or, would you rather know the truth, make an informed decision, and either commit yourself to marriage with your eyes open or walk away with dignity? Yes, hearing that your fiance cheated would be crushing, but far more damage and pain could come from not knowing. Sometimes hearing a painful truth is what’s best for a person.

I still can’t picture how marrying someone while withholding this sort of betrayal is a moral choice. To me it’s selfish, underhanded, and egotistical.

And it is worth considering that if something could be used as grounds for an annulment then there’s probably a reason and that issue should definitely be addressed before vows are taken.

Imagine getting married to someone you loved thinking that they were faithful. Then finding out after several years and two kids that they weren’t faithful, but that they trapped you into marriage anyway before you could find out.

 

[Evania]

So if OP thinks this sin creates the possibility of any unfaithfulness he should not marry her at all or any one else. Period. Throwing the burden on her of his past sins and making HER decide is the ultimate cop out. She carries all the burden and you have none.

Ideally, in a perfect world, maybe people such as the OP would do as you suggest and unselfishly break things off. However, seeing that the OP is planning marriage and on the other hand, soliciting prostitutes, it’s obvious that he is struggling with following your advice in the first place.

When you enter into a covenant such as marriage, and there’s a possibility of impacting the lives of future children, you should enter it fully informed. The Church takes marriage seriously, as it should. It’s not like this is a superficial decision, it’s a life-altering Sacrament! Making her aware of his propensity of soliciting prostitutes in their relationship isn’t a cop out. The act of betraying a faithful girlfriend who agreed to be your wife is the cop out. An act of bravery would be permitting someone to make a fully informed decision on something as important as choosing their future spouse and parent to their children.

 

[Evania]

Slowly walking back out of the room.

Love is doing what is best for the other. Sometimes this runs contrary to the legalistic mentality of courtroom trial being advocated here.

Love is doing what is best for another…I wholeheartedly agree with that statement.

Is love the motivating factor of stepping out on a faithful fiancée and possibly subjecting him/her to STD’s and then not wanting to tell them about it? Love seems to be the one element that’s missing from the get go, no?

Please don’t confuse us urging the OP to be honest with his fiancée so she may make an informed decision as to something as important as marriage and protecting her health, as a court room mentality. Is that too “legalistic” to you? I honestly see it as the loving thing to do.

 

[thewanderer]

Slowly walking back out of the room.

Love is doing what is best for the other. Sometimes this runs contrary to the legalistic mentality of courtroom trial being advocated here.

This isn’t about a legalistic mentality. It is about allowing his fiance to make an informed choice. Hiding something from her so that she won’t be allowed to make an informed choice about whether or not she wants to marry him is just plain wrong. It is a form of deception which is grievously injurious to her. You can try and wrap this up in language of “protecting her from a difficult decisions” but that doesn’t change the fact that what you are talking about is creating a barrier between the spouses from the beginning of their marriage by hiding things from your spouse as well as a deception through which the one who cheated can continue on his merry way and marry his fiance while avoiding all the real consequences to his actions. You do realize that all the painful emotions his fiance will feel are a consequence of him cheating on her, right? So when you say you want to avoid those painful emotions really what you’re saying is you think people should be allowed to cheat on their fiance’s and spouses without having to deal with any of the consequences that follow. Yes, I’m sure the OP does want to avoid causing his fiancee pain, problem is, he already has, he cheated on her. That is the cause of the pain. Now, instead of actually facing the consequences of his actions you want him to deceive his fiance and force her, against her will, to live a lie while very possibly putting her health in danger. I’m sorry, but that kind of behaviour, while nicely masked as being charitable, is extremely selfish.

OP, tell her. If she gets upset, and suffers, that is the result and consequence of what you havealready done to her. You have already injured her and are now trying to avoid those consequences by deceiving her and endangering her health. That is** not** an action of love, but is extremely selfish. Don’t listen to all those people advising you to keep it secret “for her sake”. They are lies straight from the devil. Yes, its hard to face the consequences of your own actions, but it is also the right thing to do.

 

[fred_conty]

I believe if it were me, I would tell her. But I would also say, that it would be allright if the wedding were cancelled, but if it isn’t, then this matter can never be spoken of again in the marriage. If this were not agreeable with her, then I would not marry her. If she truely loves you, then she would show you this trust as you have shown her your trust. A marriage can’t go on without this trust for each other.

I believe the disease problem is very real and she should know. It isn’t just about sin, but about future consequences from this sin that could affect her and the children.

And in addition, you were engaged, which also carries with it the responsiblity of fidelity.

It really is better to be safe than sorry later, for yourself as well as her.

May God bless and keep you. May God’s face shine on you. May God be kind to you and give you peace.

 

[FrenzyJen]

Tell her. Immediately. Don’t drag this on any longer.

If she had stepped out to a male prostitute and gotten herself pregnant, would you like to know before the wedding, or afterwards when you find out you’ve been cuckolded.

Seriously. It is blowing my mind right now that so many people think it would be “kind” to keep it from her. Women aren’t delicate flowers that will wilt at the first whiff of reality. PLEASE ALLOW HER TO DECIDE IF SHE STILL WANTS TO MARRY YOU. Don’t let her plan one more single wedding thing before you tell her.