Please help...parenting question teenage boy

  • Thread starter Thread starter graceandglory
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have to be nuts to compare robbery and murder to having safe sex!
 
WilmaORTEGA said:
You have to be nuts to compare robbery and murder to having safe sex!
Click to expand...
Alright…how about a different analogy? Would you offer your child a clean needle if he/she was doing drugs? Or would you try to get them to see that not doing drugs is the way to go. I am not naive to think that my kids will never be in sexually tempting situations some day, but by telling them using a condom is a ‘good idea,’ in case you get into a bad situation, is like providing them with a clean needle, should they want to do drugs in the house. The safest sex is to abstain. Other than that, it’s russian roulette, really.
 
Other than that, it’s russian roulette, really.
Click to expand...
and it’s a grave sin with devastating spiritual fallout that result whether the participants are teens, or unmarried adults, whether they’re using condoms or not.
 
graceandglory said:
Please help…I honestly don’t know what to do.
Click to expand...
Is there any adult male who can back you up? A grandfather? An uncle? Someone from your parish?

While I certainly agree that you as mother must enforce consequences, the message you are trying to send can sometimes be delivered more effectively to a teenage boy by a man than by a woman.

I would really, REALLY push to get your Ex on board with this.
 
Consider this alternative: Make it clear it to him the exact things he did that were unacceptable (Lying, sneaking out, etc) and why you disapprove and why these are harmful activities. Then - since he is growing up and clearly looking for more freedom/independence, why not ask him to come up with what would be a fair punishment for someone doing something he did. He may be surprised by this approach and he has the possibility of responding maturely with a suitable punishment. It will also give him an opportunity to view the situation from your perspective, something that is generally difficult for a teenager to do. If you feel he is too soft, add to it appropriately, but don’t totally disregard his suggestions or he will think you don’t care what he thinks. All in all, I would definitely take away some of his privileges.

I don’t suggest employing the ‘tactic’ of a guilt trip in any form. I think parents need to take the high road, and deliberately making someone feel guilty is not the most desirable path to take in my opinion. It is a delicate situation; too harsh a punishment may drive him away to rebel more, and a soft punishment will lead him to believe he can get away without being reprimanded.

Reassure your son that you are there for him and explain how the girl’s mother is living in an immoral situation. Be open with him about your feeling on the entire matter. As much as I hate to say it, I feel that ultimately, if your son wants to see this girl, he will find a way to see her. Is she a good person or a bad influence? Sure her home life may not be that desirable, but that isn’t always indicative of the child. If she is a bad influence then prohibiting him from seeing her should be perfectly acceptable. However, if you believe she is a nice girl, then maybe you can allow your son (after his punishment) to resume seeing her under your supervision or in public places. I am sure you instilled good values within your son and if he presents those values through his actions, that girl will surely follow his lead and respect him. Explain to him that if she doesn’t or tries to compromise his ‘integrity’ or ‘values’ that she isn’t right for him and things will only turn out poorly.

You also mention that her mom thinks it is great her daughter is ‘dating’ your son. I know that bothers you, but I also tend to look at it from the view point that the mother thinks very highly of your son and is happy her daughter likes such a nice boy.

Take care, I wish you the best.
 
if your son wants to see this girl, he will find a way to see her.
Click to expand...
sure. we all find ways to sin. again i say, God knew this about us. he knew we’d climb out windows, get our friends’ irresponsible parents to cover for us, pretend to be on business trips etc.

there’s nothing new in creative disobedience. still, He gave us laws.

we answer to God for our kids. telling Him, “well, charlie was gonna do it anyway…” will not satisfy God.

in our heart of hearts, it doesn’t satisfy most parents either.
 
kage_ar said:
Will dad back you up enforcing the punishment? If he won’t - all I can say is I will pray for you.

If dad WILL back up the punishment, I’d do lockdown - no TV, no computer, nothing but school, mass and home for a week. He would have also lost his “group dating” for two weeks. Let him know that the next time, it will be lockdown for a month and dating age raises to 17.
Click to expand...
Kage_ar,

No, I am not supported by their dad.
I would be very on board with your suggestions. That is my exact style of parenting.
Thank you for saying it.

Please pray.
 
whatevergirl said:
First, confession. 🙂 That should be something he gets used to doing when he ‘messes up,’ as he grows into a man.

Thanks, we went last weekend, looks like we’ll be going again.
I was 16 once…I snuck out a few times. I was punished, and I remember having lock down. I grew up in a strict household, and I learned from it.
Click to expand...
Thanks for your kind words whatevergirl. I pray he realizes his wrong too. Not just because it makes me mad, but because he cares about his own future.
Click to expand...
 
monicatholic said:
sure. we all find ways to sin. again i say, God knew this about us. he knew we’d climb out windows, get our friends’ irresponsible parents to cover for us, pretend to be on business trips etc.

there’s nothing new in creative disobedience. still, He gave us laws.

we answer to God for our kids. telling Him, “well, charlie was gonna do it anyway…” will not satisfy God.

in our heart of hearts, it doesn’t satisfy most parents either.
Click to expand...
I agree with what you have said. However, I am not advocating for the parents to step aside and take no action just because ‘he will see her anyway.’ I feel that taking a very hard-line stance will only drive her son away and towards the girl he likes (which in this case may not be a good thing because he would be vulnerable under the circumstances). It may also close him off and he will not talk openly with his parents anymore. He may hide things and potentially not discuss future moral dilemmas because he will think something like: ‘my parents won’t understand me, they always overreact’

I think if he is punished fairly and their is open dialogue between the parents and the boy, then their will be more desirable results in the long run. Any parent can punish a child severely, and rightfully so at times, but I feel you need to look at it from the perspective of:
-What are you trying to achieve through your actions?
-What is the message you are trying to convey to your child?
-What is the best course of action to achieve this based on the personality of your child? (Everyone is different - I know growing up that a punishment effective on me, might not have worked as well for my brother).
-How can the child learn from this and mature as a person so they will make better decisions in the future?

Being a parent is one of the toughest jobs, I am sure he will look back on situations like this and be thankful years later.
 
graceandglory said:
Thanks, we went last weekend, looks like we’ll be going again.

See, I was 16 once, and at that age, i was basically raising my younger siblings. I never snuck out. 🤓

I totally agree… Thanks for saying it.

Who knew??? I did think it would be easier though. Having homeschooled, and raised them with some really good families. One and a half yrs of public school though, and I feel as if all my effort, and lack of income for all those years, and utter poverty, because of my choices to stay home, have been for naught.

Thanks for your kind words whatevergirl. I pray he realizes his wrong too. Not just because it makes me mad, but because he cares about his own future.
Click to expand...
You know, I hope I didn’t sound judgmental about the girl’s mom:blush:( just realized that might have come across that way)…that isn’t her fault, that her mom is living that way, and some people just don’t see the problems with living together, without marriage. But, while I would be angry about the lying, I would probably try to keep an open mind about the girl. (in thinking this through some more) If she is kind to your son…if she is not trying to lead him into doing things that you feel compromise his values, etc etc…then, inviting her for dinner, etc…would be ok, I think. I wonder if she told him to lie though–he has a mind of his own, certainly, but if she coaxed him to lie, then she might not be the best influence to have around your son. The next time you see her, if you see her…I’d sit down with both of them, and talk it out. Praying for things to work out smoothly and quickly!
 
monicatholic said:
**
you tried to include girlfriend in important things-- family time, stations of the cross. your boy ignored your boundaries. he’s not trustworthy enough, nor mature enough to choose his own boundaries. but God knew that’s true about most our kids-- that’s why they’re still subject to their parents-- because they need us. **
Click to expand...
That’s the message I tell my kids. WHEN they are adults they make their own choices, until then they are my responsibility. Unfortunately I am not supported on this by their dad.
**your boy lied about something that is very important to you-- your commitment to support his spiritual life and his chastity. sneaking off with a favorite crush is indication he’s got a problem with obedience and likewise indicates there’s already been some damage to chastity-- at least philosophically, if not practically. **
Click to expand...
.
Click to expand...
That’s it in a nutshell, monicatholic!
Can you be my new best friend?
:o

Thank you for your thoughts.
 
HouseArrest said:
Since when is it overbearing to expect the truth from people, including our children?

I see this as a two sided problem, the lying, for which there should be some consequence, which you seem to have taken care of. Second, he needs some serious Catholic sex education through Romance Without Regret (saw it - it’s great!) or Theology of the Body for Teens. They even have DVD’s to make really easy to go through this with your kids. And not only your teen needs this - they all do! How are they supposed to know what sex is about if we don’t tell them?
Click to expand...
Hi HouseArrest,
Guess who teaches TOB for Teens at our parish??? 😊
Oh yeah, I even had her over to watch a Fr. Thomas Loya video on TOB. 😊
 
GraceDK said:
Dear sister in Jesus.

I have the perfect idea for you.
Get hold of the dvd called: Romance Without Regret, made by Jason and Chrystalina Evert. This live sex-talk has changed the lives of thousands and thousands of teens. Both 13-year olds and 40 year old people take a decision for chastity after viewing this sex-talk. Jason and Chrystalina are young Catholics, they have been there-done that and they can speak to your son in ways you just can’t. Its clearly an anointed ministry they have and its so powerful.
Get it today rather than tomorrow. Your son could be going down a bad track and might end up doing something he will always regret or which will at worst alienate him from the faith.

Order it here
chastity.com/
or listen to the speech directly here chastity.com/seminars/index.php?id=5
I recommend the Public High School talk… it shows that there are huge reasons for staying pure even if you are not a believer. And its so entertaining too…

God bless 👍
Click to expand...
Thank you for the suggestion,…I have the Jason Evert TOB for Teens, but so much is really so philosophical and over their heads, I will take a look at this one, I haven’t seen it yet.
 
ChristinaM said:
monicatholic, when are you going to write a book on Catholic parenting? 😃 I have not yet been blessed with children but your advice is always so good, and so faithful to Catholic teachings. I love your posts!

As Catholics the message we need to send our children is to save sex for MARRIAGE, not some nebulous time when they are “older.” I applaud all you parents who try to instill the virtue of chastity in your children instead of caving in to the prevailing attitude of society and saying “just use a condom, okay?”
Click to expand...
Wise parents know that their kids who are sexually active, isn`t going to change any time soon, so we must suggest the use of condoms before lives are really destroyed
 
SMHW said:
Is there any adult male who can back you up? A grandfather? An uncle? Someone from your parish?

While I certainly agree that you as mother must enforce consequences, the message you are trying to send can sometimes be delivered more effectively to a teenage boy by a man than by a woman.

I would really, REALLY push to get your Ex on board with this.
Click to expand...
I totally agree…Right now, since my dad died, no, there isn’t anyone…That is definitely a cross that we have to bear. In order to get his dad on board, it will probably take a court order, please pray for me on that. It’s definitely a hole in our lives.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top