Please please help- sleep training

[AClaire11]

This is our third night of sleep training and it’s been awful. I finally gave in to the idea after a night where she nursed at bedtime for two hours straight and then woke up every single hour. She wakes up at least every two hours. My husband and I haven’t had sex in over a year. How are we supposed to try for #2 or have a functional marriage? I’m exhausted and cranky and easily ticked off all the time.

The first night went great. She fell asleep after half an hour and I was able to come back out of the bathroom and hang out in bed (we live in a studio). She woke up to be fed every three hours (we are NOT night weaning yet), which was great. The second night was a huge fail because my husband woke her up twice and she fell asleep sitting up. Then she had a dirty diaper and wouldn’t fall back asleep for an hour. She woke up every hour and I just gave up and brought her into bed. Tonight, the third night, I waited 40 minutes after she fell sleep to come back into the room. She was asleep sitting straight up, somehow woke up and saw me, and scared the hell out of me by suddenly beginning to wail. It’s impossible to get our apartment pitch black so she could see me slightly.

Do I give up? My husband wants to keep going until it’s been a week but I am at the end of my rope. He has to leave the apartment for hours at bedtime, I have to hide in the bathroom, we can’t make the slightest noise, I’m starting to have a panic response whenever she wakes up and cries, and she used to love playing in the crib for a few minutes but now immediately freaks out if put in there awake.

Please don’t yell at me for trying to sleep train, I feel like I’m caught between a rock and a hard place and i don’t know what to do. Women on the La Leche forums are saying their babies woke every two hours until they were almost two years old and that terrifies me.

 

[Xantippe]

This is our third night of sleep training and it’s been awful. I finally gave in to the idea after a night where she nursed at bedtime for two hours straight and then woke up every single hour. She wakes up at least every two hours. My husband and I haven’t had sex in over a year. How are we supposed to try for #2 or have a functional marriage? I’m exhausted and cranky and easily ticked off all the time.

The first night went great. She fell asleep after half an hour and I was able to come back out of the bathroom and hang out in bed (we live in a studio). She woke up to be fed every three hours (we are NOT night weaning yet), which was great. The second night was a huge fail because my husband woke her up twice and she fell asleep sitting up. Then she had a dirty diaper and wouldn’t fall back asleep for an hour. She woke up every hour and I just gave up and brought her into bed. Tonight, the third night, I waited 40 minutes after she fell sleep to come back into the room. She was asleep sitting straight up, somehow woke up and saw me, and scared the hell out of me by suddenly beginning to wail. It’s impossible to get our apartment pitch black so she could see me slightly.

Do I give up? My husband wants to keep going until it’s been a week but I am at the end of my rope. He has to leave the apartment for hours at bedtime, I have to hide in the bathroom, we can’t make the slightest noise, I’m starting to have a panic response whenever she wakes up and cries, and she used to love playing in the crib for a few minutes but now immediately freaks out if put in there awake.

Please don’t yell at me for trying to sleep train, I feel like I’m caught between a rock and a hard place and i don’t know what to do. Women on the La Leche forums are saying their babies woke every two hours until they were almost two years old and that terrifies me.

I don’t think there’s a lot of point in trying to aggressively sleep train when living in a studio apartment with a 1-year-old.

Get her into a bedroom with a door that closes between you and her and I think there’s an 90% chance that this problem is going to resolve with minimal effort on your part.

Come to think of it, I once knew a couple in Russia that was living in a small studio apartment with their 4-year-old. Cozy! As I recall, they had a large solid piece of furniture dividing their studio apt. into the parental half and the kid half. I have concerns about the safety side of that (any tall unsecured piece of furniture is a hazard), but it probably was OK (but not ideal) for privacy.

In the meantime, have you tried white noise? When our youngest was small, I loved a rain sound effect, even just for me getting to sleep after a night feeding. I also really like those bubbling light-up crib aquariums that the baby can turn off and on. We own one that runs for 18 (!) minutes–pure bliss!

 

[Convert_in_99]

I don’t have much advice. But I just wanted to let you know that you are doing great and certainly do NOT feel guilty if you have to do something a different way than your peers or different than the latest “parenting fad.” No one is in your exact same situation so they might think they know, but they don’t.

Sleep training is perfectly fine. Nothing at all wrong with it and you are NOT some “evil stepmother” for letting your baby cry it out. You are fine and doing great. Babies are sweet and adorable, but I often think that’s a cover up so we don’t wind up throwing them on the street to fend for themselves.

My husband and I live in a small one bedroom apartment. I canNOT imagine how hard it would be to have a small baby here too. That’s another factor in the “no one else knows exactly what you are going through so they need to just shut their mouths” equation. I couldn’t imagine not having a place to hide from an always screaming baby. :console:

Again, no solutions but please know you are doing great and you are fantastic parents! :hug1:

 

[pensmama87]

We used the book No Cry Sleep Solution for some tips.

My comfort point for sleep training is after a year and when solids are well established so I know there’s no need for nighttime eating.

My husband does it because I just can’t be there because baby will scream to nurse. Even with my strong willed kiddo, if I wasn’t there he settled down fast. My husband becomes the nighttime parent, and the nighttime diner closes. To me that’s much gentler than going from having mom to help settle to nobody, even if dad’s not the preferred person.

Is there a possibility you could go elsewhere in the evening and let your husband take over?

Also, as far as intimacy - we bedshare with little babies but we make that work - scooch over, find another piece of furniture, the floor.

Also, it’d be another habit to break later, but you can try substituting a pacifier.

 

[bitterhope]

This is our third night of sleep training and it’s been awful. I finally gave in to the idea after a night where she nursed at bedtime for two hours straight and then woke up every single hour. She wakes up at least every two hours. My husband and I haven’t had sex in over a year. How are we supposed to try for #2 or have a functional marriage? I’m exhausted and cranky and easily ticked off all the time.

The first night went great. She fell asleep after half an hour and I was able to come back out of the bathroom and hang out in bed (we live in a studio). She woke up to be fed every three hours (we are NOT night weaning yet), which was great. The second night was a huge fail because my husband woke her up twice and she fell asleep sitting up. Then she had a dirty diaper and wouldn’t fall back asleep for an hour. She woke up every hour and I just gave up and brought her into bed. Tonight, the third night, I waited 40 minutes after she fell sleep to come back into the room. She was asleep sitting straight up, somehow woke up and saw me, and scared the hell out of me by suddenly beginning to wail. It’s impossible to get our apartment pitch black so she could see me slightly.

Do I give up? My husband wants to keep going until it’s been a week but I am at the end of my rope. He has to leave the apartment for hours at bedtime, I have to hide in the bathroom, we can’t make the slightest noise, I’m starting to have a panic response whenever she wakes up and cries, and she used to love playing in the crib for a few minutes but now immediately freaks out if put in there awake.

Please don’t yell at me for trying to sleep train, I feel like I’m caught between a rock and a hard place and i don’t know what to do. Women on the La Leche forums are saying their babies woke every two hours until they were almost two years old and that terrifies me.

Well, their babies woke every two hours for two years because whether they admit it/realize it/acknowledged it, they conditioned them to do so.

Some babies sleep better than others. It takes mine normally 2 weeks to learn a new habit once I break the old one. It can take two weeks or so to break the old habit. How old is your daughter? Babies at different ages are more stubborn than other ages. One of mine was very stubborn with sleeping and I finally compromised and curled up on a matt on the floor with him until he fell asleep, put him in his crib, and then went to my bed. It broke the habit of him coming to my bed with me. Once he stopped asking for my bed I started training him to go to bed at bed time “on demand” or however you want to put it. Not sure if this is an option for you all or not

 

[Convert_in_99]

Also, as far as intimacy - we bedshare with little babies but we make that work - scooch over, find another piece of furniture, the floor.

I was going to suggest the tub/shower.

 

[Convert_in_99]

I might get rotten tomatoes thrown at me for this, but have you considered pumping so that your husband can feed some at night? Also if your baby is old enough throwing some baby cereal in there might help her sleep.

 

[AClaire11]

I texted my husband that he could come up very quietly. He turned the hallway light on and made tons of noise with his keys. She is wide awake now and I’m just sobbing. I can’t do this and that means I let my poor baby cry all for nothing.

 

[Convert_in_99]

I texted my husband that he could come up very quietly. He turned the hallway light on and made tons of noise with his keys. She is wide awake now and I’m just sobbing. I can’t do this and that means I let my poor baby cry all for nothing.

I’m so sorry. :console:

You sound like you need a break–now. Hand hubby the baby and take a walk. Have you considered a tween/teen giving you a hand for a day or two a week as a “mother’s helper?” Do any of either of your families live close by?

 

[pensmama87]

I texted my husband that he could come up very quietly. He turned the hallway light on and made tons of noise with his keys. She is wide awake now and I’m just sobbing. I can’t do this and that means I let my poor baby cry all for nothing.

He needs to get a clue.

That may be mean, but it’s true. Something has to give here.

 

[AClaire11]

I’m so sorry. :console:

You sound like you need a break–now. Hand hubby the baby and take a walk. Have you considered a tween/teen giving you a hand for a day or two a week as a “mother’s helper?” Do any of either of your families live close by?

My cousin moved an hour away or else one of her daughters wild be able to help out. We don’t have any extra money.

 

[Convert_in_99]

My cousin moved an hour away or else one of her daughters wild be able to help out. We don’t have any extra money.

I understand the money. I’m sorry you don’t have family to help. Sometimes the teens just like to help for fun and practice. I did. Maybe someone needs a few service hours for Church?

 

[Xantippe]

He needs to get a clue.

That may be mean, but it’s true. Something has to give here.

Granted, it’s such a small space that SOMETHING might have woken the baby up no matter what.

AClaire11, are you napping during the day? If you’re not, I suggest you start doing it so that whatever happens at night is not such a big deal.

At this point, I think I’m mostly just concerned that AClaire11 doesn’t start cracking up. Forget the night training for the moment and just figure out how to get an hour or two more sleep a day.

Good luck!

 

[AClaire11]

Granted, it’s such a small space that SOMETHING might have woken the baby up no matter what.

AClaire11, are you napping during the day? If you’re not, I suggest you start doing it so that whatever happens at night is not such a big deal.

At this point, I think I’m mostly just concerned that AClaire11 doesn’t start cracking up. Forget the night training for the moment and just figure out how to get an hour or two more sleep a day.

Good luck!

I do need to start napping with her again. My anxiety has just been amping up lately and so I’ve slid back into obsessively researching stuff during my free time.

 

[AClaire11]

Also I am annoyed at him a bit but it could just have easily been someone slamming a door down the hall or the cats fighting. She’s a light sleeper even with white noise.

 

[Convert_in_99]

I do need to start napping with her again. My anxiety has just been amping up lately and so I’ve slid back into obsessively researching stuff during my free time.

Unplug the computer and take some Tylenol PM and get some SLEEP girl! It’s the only way to survive, it really is.

 

[AClaire11]

I was going to suggest the tub/shower.

Then he needs to stop slacking off on the bathroom cleaning haha

 

[Xantippe]

I do need to start napping with her again. My anxiety has just been amping up lately and so I’ve slid back into obsessively researching stuff during my free time.

Maybe your current focus should be on sleep-training you?

 

[pensmama87]

Then he needs to stop slacking off on the bathroom cleaning haha

Does he know how you feel? It should be obvious, but my husband is blissfully oblivious about many things (though in my darker moods I suspect it’s more malicious) and there have been times I have had to sit him down and say, “I am miserable because X, y, z. A, B, C would help make it better. I can do A, and B with your help. But you need to do C, because again, I’m miserable.”

And then lots of reminders about doing C.

(He usually does better now, but that learning curve was steep! And I had to get better about telling him straight up what I thought and felt.)

 

[bitterhope]

My cousin moved an hour away or else one of her daughters wild be able to help out. We don’t have any extra money.

Personally I would make my husband deal with it since he’s home.

You might be surprised how many young teens are willing to help with your baby voluntarily or for occasional small gifts instead of money. My 15 year old helps out our neighbor that is recovering from surgery with her kids in exchange for use of her tv, Netflix and snacks. For her it’s more about getting out of the house and playing with three little ones (all under 3) for half the day a couple days a week.