Dragoro
I’m praying for you, brother.
You seem to realize that there is NO way you are going to stop on your own. This is good.
Decide today, now, that your old life is over and that God is in charge of your new life.
Each day get one more day. Just get up in the moring and sincerely ask God for a sober day today.
Ask him to please show you what he wants for you today. Try to do what you think God wants. Seek the advice of others before you decide that God wants anything other than “Get up, go to work, and help the rest of his children get through their day”
At night say: “Thanks for making it possible for me to be sober today.” Put your shoes under the bed so that tomorrow when you get down on your knees to get your shoes, you are in the proper position to humbly ask God for another day.
Call AA; try a few different meetings, they are all somewhat independent and frequently very different in tone and style. Find one that works for you and where there is respect for your Catholic values. Get a Catholic Sponsor. If you respect him, follow his advice, even when it seems to have no relevance to your drinking problem. If you don’t respect him, replace him. Don’t worry about his feelings, it’s your life and he knows this.
Accept that your thinking is pretty warped by your reliance on the bottle as THE solution to life’s challenges. Use the guidance of others who have walked this path. There is no greater joy in our lives than to help you and we are grateful for this opportunity to repay those that carried us when we needed it.
Put some days together, clean up some of the wreckage of your life, grow in your relationship to God, and before you know it you’ll be sitting down with some guy who wants your advice on how you put together six months, and then you’ll get to help God, in some small way, forge the next link in the chain.
God can and will help you, if you seek him. I believe He is the only One who can.
PM me if you want some help figuring out some of the language and customs of AA, or if you just want some support.
Papa - 15 years and 12 days sober, one day at a time.