please pray for my husband

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califmommy

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Hello,
I have been reading these threads off and on for a few months and have come to respect all the wisdom here. I’m hoping that if I share my situation your prayers and support will get me through.

Today was a fairly typical day. It’s 9 pm and I just heard a glass crash on the floor. My husband fell asleep in a chair with a drink in his hand an hour ago. Needless to say, he’s been drinking. He does this nearly every day. He starts with a cocktail before dinner, a bottle of wine with dinner and, if he’s awake, more cocktails after dinner. I used to put him to bed and clean up after him, but I’ve learned that that isn’t good in the long run and he needs to take responsibility for his actions. I’ve cried, yelled, offered silent prayers and it will get better for a day or two, then we’re right back where we started.

I’m exhausted. We have two girls (2 and a half and almost 4 years). I cringe each night as he drunkenly tries to read a story to them. I’ve been to talk to a priest and to al anon meetings. I know I can’t control nor cure his drinking and that I didn’t cause it. I know he’s suffering. He’s trying to numb himself with alcohol. We’re in counseling, but he hates going and many weeks has a “pressing” work engagement. I’m at my wit’s end. I can’t go on like this. What’s hardest is keeping up appearances for his family and friends (and my family too). Very few people know about his problem.

We’ve been married almost five years. I’m 43 and he’s 41. I’m so embarrassed that it’s gotten this bad. He wasn’t like this before. He started drinking when I got pregnant with our first. It got worse from there. He wants me to have more children, but I won’t until he sobers up. And, frankly, given my age, I doubt I could. He has other behaviors that are destructive to the marriage (online pornography and a brief affair), but I believe they are all tied together. I believe he is numbing himself against some pain he can’t articulate. Nearly every day he says he’s sorry and that he loves me. He thanks me for not leaving him. I feel so lonely and lost. I’m trying to type this through my tears.

Please, if you could say a prayer for him, I’d be grateful. Thank you.

Respectfully,
Maria
 
Hi Maria,

I’m so sorry for all that you are going through, especially because so much of what you write is familar to me, having left a 17 year marriage with similar problems. My ex-husband was also abusive, and I am hoping that is not the situation in your marriage.

I would be surprised that a drinking habit like that would start so late in life. My ex-husband drank like that and his drinking started when he was 12, and he would frequently drink until drunk as a teenager. I am not an expert, but I think people who reach midlife drinking in moderation don’t usually suddenly become out of control drinkers.

You said you talked to your priest. What was his advice? Mine advised me to leave my husband. Of course, drinking was not the only problem. Abuse was a bigger one, but when I left, he did finally go to AA and tried really hard to give up drinking. If that had been the only problem, perhaps that would have been enough to save the marriage.

I would let his family and your family know what is going on. The secrets that alcoholic families keep are so unhealthy. I think you know that this is no way for your daughters to grow up, so you are going to need to do something to change the status quo.

Praying for you now, because I know having the strength to make the changes that are needed is not at all easy. You have that strength though.
 
((((((maria))))))

your children are lucky you are there for them

i will pray for you and your husband

you sound like a very caring person!

HUGS again!

pm me (or IM me) anytime if you need to

s
 
:console:

Oh, Honey. I have SOOO been there. I don’t know when my ex started drinking. I didn’t even realise that he had a drinking problem until my oldest was born. In the hour it took for me to talk to my sister on the phone, my ex went from stone-cold-sober to dead drunk.

It took six years of me trying to put on a brave face, to buck up because good Catholic girls don’t leave their husbands, to contract an STD (which was curable, thank God) because of his many affairs, before I finally faced facts. I had to leave him! I had to save myself and my children because we were literally drowning in his alcoholism.

I told him he needed to be sober for a year before I would think of coming back to him. He decided that I ment he could party and screw around for a year :mad: I’m now happily married to a man who loves and respects me.

I don’t know if you want advice. I’m not going to tell you to leave your husband. Only you can decide that. I’m just sharing my expierance. Whatever you do, don’t blame yourself. Keep going to Al Anon. It will do wonders for you.

You are in my prayers. Please know that there are others here who have been in your shoes. We are here to listen and be a shoulder to cry on.

Take care.

Kim
 
Thank you so much for sharing my pain with me. Just knowing that others are aware makes it a bit easier. More later, Maria
 
Oh Maria 😦 I am sorry to hear you have an alcoholic husband. It is hard on family, I know this coming from a family where both of my parents are alcoholics. Try not to “enable” him. Have you talked to him about his problem or AA or anything? Of course only he can take steps to improve the situation… it’s not your fault.

You are in my prayers.
 
Dear Maria,

I can’t say I understand your pain but I do have many sad memories of my father drunk. I’ll pray for you and your babies. They will know what is happening before long if it doesn’t stop. I hope you all get help and I hope that if he won’t, that you will do what is best for you and your babies.

You and your family will be in our family prayers tonight. I pray God will bless you with the courage, wisdom and strength you will need to make it thru all of this.

Bless you!
 
Thank you all for your prayers, comments and suggestions. I haven’t overtly told him about AA. Anytime he makes an apology or says he doesn’t like himself I say that there is a lot of help out in the world when he’s ready to quit. Going to a few Al Anon meetings helped me to see that my reactions weren’t going to improve the situation. I’m hoping to have peace in my life without destroying my life. Our marriage counselor has offered to find him a treatment facility if he wants to do an in patient program. I’m praying that he will be able to admit that he has a problem and is open to getting help. All of you who responded are in my prayers tonight (Saturday). fondly, Maria
 
I am so very sorry for what you are going through with your husband.

I am including your intentions at mass today.
 
Prayers go out to you and your husband this day, and going forward. I’m sorry this is happening, but God never gives us more than we can handle. In the words of Mother Teresa, ‘He must think I can handle a lot!’:o

May God bring healing to your husband, soon.
 
**I have absolutely NO EXPERIENCE with this so please allow me to just throw some thoughts out… but I think Al-Anon would be your best bet to figure out what to do…

you mention that it is a secret…no one in your extended family knows. I would think that having them know (if they are a normal healthy family) would help. It would give you some much needed support and it would give him some too but, more importantly, accountability.

I would hope that having the support and prayers of all those who love him would help him seek the help he so desperately needs. Right now if you are the only one who knows and deals with it it may be keeping him from facing reality.

But, like I said, I don’t know anything:o. It was just my first reaction. I will pray that he gets the help he needs, you get the peace you need, and your little ones get the security and stability they need…

Malia**
 
I am saying extra prayers for your family today. When we are carrying a heavy cross it is sometimes very lonely. I pray you will do the right thing for your family, expecially your children. I never knew my grandfather for he left his family before my parents ever met. My dad continued to pray for his dad until the day he died. We said the family rosary at night when I was young and we all added special intentions at the end of it. My dad’s intentions were the same:“For my father, and for patience”. My dad is in heaven for sure but I think of him often as he suffererd as a child with an alcoholic father. He taught us to pray and I know that at times that is all that got him through the family struggles.
 
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