Polite answer to relatives who keep asking about boyfriends?

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DarkLight

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How does one politely answer relatives who keep wanting to know about “whether I have a man in my life yet”? I’ve known since I was very young that I have no desire for either marriage or family. I’ve considered a vocation off and on, depending on age issues and how being a convert plays in.

Maybe it’s a small thing, but…I really love my job and career. It’s not just about “wanting to make money”, though I get stereotyped into that a lot (despite making practically nothing). I do feel that it’s a calling. There’s a lot of men in my life because of my job and friends, but no one I’m interested in. I really hate being grilled on all the men I interact with when my cousins get asked about college and work and whatnot.
 
DarkLight said:
How does one politely answer relatives who keep wanting to know about “whether I have a man in my life yet”? I’ve known since I was very young that I have no desire for either marriage or family. I’ve considered a vocation off and on, depending on age issues and how being a convert plays in.

Maybe it’s a small thing, but…I really love my job and career. It’s not just about “wanting to make money”, though I get stereotyped into that a lot (despite making practically nothing). I do feel that it’s a calling. There’s a lot of men in my life because of my job and friends, but no one I’m interested in. I really hate being grilled on all the men I interact with when my cousins get asked about college and work and whatnot.
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Dear DarkLight–

Just say “No, and I’m plenty happy without one.”

My children keep insisting I need to start dating. I told them I would cut them out of the will if they ever tried to fix me up. 😉

Jala
 
Let me see; I’ve one aunt that never married and a grandmather and another aunt that were wodowed longer then they were married. Just smile and say that you know what you have and you do not know what you would get if you married. That is the line that my grandmother used when peple asked about remarrying. :):)🙂
 
Jala said:
Dear DarkLight–

Just say “No, and I’m plenty happy without one.”

My children keep insisting I need to start dating. I told them I would cut them out of the will if they ever tried to fix me up. 😉

Jala
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I’ve tried that…it doesn’t really do much. Or they just move on and start talking to someone else. I wish someone would take an interest in my life, not just who I’m with.

I should add…I feel like I’m fighting a deep suspicion of employed women as doing “real work.” Hence the bit about being stereotyped as just wanting money - I feel like they see my whole education and career as hopefully just a phase I’m going through.
 
DarkLight said:
How does one politely answer relatives who keep wanting to know about “whether I have a man in my life yet”? I’ve known since I was very young that I have no desire for either marriage or family. I’ve considered a vocation off and on, depending on age issues and how being a convert plays in.

Maybe it’s a small thing, but…I really love my job and career. It’s not just about “wanting to make money”, though I get stereotyped into that a lot (despite making practically nothing). I do feel that it’s a calling. There’s a lot of men in my life because of my job and friends, but no one I’m interested in. I really hate being grilled on all the men I interact with when my cousins get asked about college and work and whatnot.
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Why don’t you just tell them what you wrote here?
 
Allegra said:
Why don’t you just tell them what you wrote here?
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I doubt they even know what a vocation is. They’d be horrified at the thought. I’ve told them some, but I sort of get the “awww that’s so cute, the girl thinks she doesn’t want kids!” reaction.
 
DarkLight said:
I doubt they even know what a vocation is. They’d be horrified at the thought. I’ve told them some, but I sort of get the “awww that’s so cute, the girl thinks she doesn’t want kids!” reaction.
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Well, what else can you do? You answered their question truthfully and they dismissed your answer. Move on to another topic.
 
Allegra said:
Well, what else can you do? You answered their question truthfully and they dismissed your answer. Move on to another topic.
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They don’t really talk about other topics…they move on and talk to my cousins about their jobs or something.
 
Tell them you have one every day of the week, sometimes, depending on the day, depending on your mood. I think with family, humour is always best. Just take it easy on yourself, I’m pretty sure they just want to know what’s happening in your life. If you brush it off like it’s no big, then, I’m pretty sure they’ll move on. 🙂
 
UntimelyGiggles said:
Tell them you have one every day of the week, sometimes, depending on the day, depending on your mood. I think with family, humour is always best. Just take it easy on yourself, I’m pretty sure they just want to know what’s happening in your life. If you brush it off like it’s no big, then, I’m pretty sure they’ll move on. 🙂
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If they wand to know what’s happening why do they ask my cousins and other family members about their jobs and education but only ask me if I’m dating?
 
DarkLight said:
If they wand to know what’s happening why do they ask my cousins and other family members about their jobs and education but only ask me if I’m dating?
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I think this is the issue, really. The way the interactions are going…I feel like I’m never going to be a real adult to them until I’m married and a stay-at-home-mother. I mean no disparagement of that role, but it’s not something I want. I want to interact with my family as an adult and have my life mean something to them.
 
DarkLight said:
I think this is the issue, really. The way the interactions are going…I feel like I’m never going to be a real adult to them until I’m married and a stay-at-home-mother. I mean no disparagement of that role, but it’s not something I want. I want to interact with my family as an adult and have my life mean something to them.
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I see your point. And honestly, I got nothing. When family has a predetermined issue defined already, it’s really ingrained to them. Besides the usual explaining re: vocation (ie what others have mentioned already) and that times are different now, then all I really can think of is humour. You can do it!
 
I’d just say ‘of course I have a man in my life - Jesus - and He’s man enough for any woman!’ 🙂
 
DarkLight said:
I think this is the issue, really. The way the interactions are going…I feel like I’m never going to be a real adult to them until I’m married and a stay-at-home-mother. I mean no disparagement of that role, but it’s not something I want. I want to interact with my family as an adult and have my life mean something to them.
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I think you’re right. It may also be that they don’t know what to ask you about. Your values are different from theirs, so you are a bit of a mystery to them? Often people are uncomfortable with that, because they don’t know “the right thing” to ask or say. Some people are well intentioned and smart enough to be worth explaining. You don’t need to use the word “vocation” though. You can also say things like, “Oh no, I am single and very happy that way. I really am suited to this lifestyle.” If pressed on what a future relationship, you can always choose to say, “hmmm…well if it happens it happens. I’m not seeking it out though. But what IS interesting right now is _____ …”

It may also be, as you said, that you don’t seem “grown up” to them. One thing you may want to do is try to take control of the conversation. Ask them about their lives and jobs. Show them your maturity by being interested in their lives. Perhaps if you ask them about the topics that interest you more (like the job), they’ll reply with, “and what about you?” Or a conversation about your uncle’s job might allow you an opportunity to interject something about your job.
 
UntimelyGiggles said:
Tell them you have one every day of the week, sometimes, depending on the day, depending on your mood. I think with family, humour is always best. Just take it easy on yourself, I’m pretty sure they just want to know what’s happening in your life. If you brush it off like it’s no big, then, I’m pretty sure they’ll move on. 🙂
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This would be my approach, too.

“You’ll just have to wait for the book to come out, I’m not talking now!”

“Wait, let me get my Day-Timer, I’m so bad with names, there are so many!”

But then, once the laughter dies down, they may still say, “But really…who are you seeing?”

:rolleyes:🤷
 
I just tell people if they ask that I quit dating. It was always more trouble than it was worth. :cool:
 
“Nothing to report, and I’d rather not talk about it. I get so many questions about it, I’ve decided to just assure everyone that when there is news in that department, you can all be sure that Mom will call a press conference. No one will get any news before she does.”

On follow-up questions, say, “No. Really. We’re going to have to content ourselves with small talk about the rest of my life, paltry thing that it is, because I’m not talking about this part. When there is something to report, I will report it. Until then, no comment.” Repeat until it gets through their head that you do not want questions, advice, or opinions on the subject, with a blunt “I do not enjoy this topic, and I’ve been pretty clear about that. Why are you grilling me? Are you that nosy, or are you just sadistic or something?”
 
Thanks everyone. Unfortunately I may be fighting a losing battle here. I feel like my work has been defined in their minds as “not important,” whereas my relationship status is what’s “important.”
 
I’d say something along the lines of: “I’m not really marriage material right now…wouldn’t be fair” That’ll get 'em talking!

What line of work are you in if I may ask? I’m curious how it is not important.
 
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