Political and Religious Arguments with my Mother

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A little background. I am 18 and I still live with my parents.

It seems almost every few days me and my mother get into political and/or religious arguments. Neither me, nor my mother want to argue, yet it seems my mother almost always brings up political news at the table while we are eating lunch/dinner. 😦

I always defend my POV, and my mother defends hers (she has a rather liberal POV, and I have a pretty conservative POV.) We do agree on some things, but I find we argue almost every time politics is brought up. If she brings up abortion, euthanasia, transgenderism, etc. I state my opinion, because if I don’t she acts like I agree with her opinion, and I usually disagree with her POV.

On occasion she brings up religion, and she seems to believe that religion causes all the problems in the world. She also has a Protestant view towards Holy images and believes that they are “icons” that Catholics worship. The unusual thing is she was never a Protestant. She was baptized Catholic but was never confirmed and has since become non-religious.

What should I do? We are always arguing over Politics and Religion, and I have to keep going to confession each week because of this. I don’t want to argue with her, but I feel like I need to correct her misunderstandings especially when it comes to the Catholic faith. Unfortunately, she often seems to ignore what I say when I bring up points, and we often wind up getting grumpy. 😦

On a side note, me and my father never argue because he never brings up controversial topics. How can I get my mother to stop bringing up such topics at the dinner table?
 
Stop engaging. You can simply say “I really don’t want to talk about this because we both know each other’s view and it leads to arguments. Can we talk about _____ instead?”

Lou
 
Melodeonist said:
A little background. I am 18 and I still live with my parents.

It seems almost every few days me and my mother get into political and/or religious arguments. Neither me, nor my mother want to argue, yet it seems my mother almost always brings up political news at the table while we are eating lunch/dinner. 😦

I always defend my POV, and my mother defends hers (she has a rather liberal POV, and I have a pretty conservative POV.) We do agree on some things, but I find we argue almost every time politics is brought up. If she brings up abortion, euthanasia, transgenderism, etc. I state my opinion, because if I don’t she acts like I agree with her opinion, and I usually disagree with her POV.

On occasion she brings up religion, and she seems to believe that religion causes all the problems in the world. She also has a Protestant view towards Holy images and believes that they are “icons” that Catholics worship. The unusual thing is she was never a Protestant. She was baptized Catholic but was never confirmed and has since become non-religious.

What should I do? We are always arguing over Politics and Religion, and I have to keep going to confession each week because of this. I don’t want to argue with her, but **I feel like I need to correct her misunderstandings **especially when it comes to the Catholic faith. Unfortunately, she often seems to ignore what I say when I bring up points, and we often wind up getting grumpy. 😦

On a side note, me and my father never argue because he never brings up controversial topics. How can I get my mother to stop bringing up such topics at the dinner table?
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Since you are a teenage who lives in your parents’ home, it’s not particularly wise to try to tell your mother what she may or may not say in her own home. Please realize that it’s *very normal *for parents to want to impart their belief system onto their children. that’s what your mother is trying to do. She might even think she brings this up for discussion, but it doesn’t really sound like she wants to discuss it in the sense of hearing another viewpoint. She wants to share *her *viewpoint with you, and that’s possibly because she’s a bit worried about you. That’s what mom’s do–we worry about our children and we try to help them learn things that reflect our values. Your mother would probably like it if you agreed with her, or at a minimum that you listened to her without challenging her.

You say she grew up Catholic. In case you didn’t know, the Catechesis for many of us was pretty poor and watered down in the years following Vatican II. Many around her age left the Church never having understood what the Church taught (and why) because it wasn’t taught to them. You come after St. John Paul updated the Catechism, which was a tremendous blessing in helping to clarify what the Church did and did not teach. Have some sympathy for your mother’s poor understanding of Catholicism.

I suggest you ask your confessor for guidance as to your obligation to defend the faith against her attacks on the Catholic faith. I don’t think we’re obliged to correct everyone who is wrong about something. It might be enough to say something like, “You know mom, I don’t agree with you, but I love you so I won’t argue with you. This dinner is delicious! What spices did you add to the rice?” <–notice the change of subject. If not recipes, then find something else that’s she’s likely to want to talk about.
 
Careful; she may interpret “dem” as a political reference, and be off and running…

Safer to just say “hey mom, the Red Sox stink!” That works in my house.
 
Thanks for the replies! 🙂

I will try changing the topic next time she brings up politics/religion.

One problem, however, is when my brother is around. We eat lunch and dinner together with my mother, but my brother also has a rather liberal POV I believe. Changing the topic wouldn’t work here I think, what should I do in this scenario?
 
Try saying “Ah well, we’ll agree to disagree”. And smile. The world would be boring if everyone was exactly the same, and I’m sure your mum and brother are lovely people who care about you. 🙂

It’s probably not a good idea to continue with the direct approach (“I believe this, therefore your views are misguided”). Everyone under the same roof has to rub along and keep things on a friendly level.
 
Melodeonist said:
Thanks for the replies! 🙂

I will try changing the topic next time she brings up politics/religion.

One problem, however, is when my brother is around. We eat lunch and dinner together with my mother, but my brother also has a rather liberal POV I believe. Changing the topic wouldn’t work here I think, what should I do in this scenario?
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One of the most valuable skills a person can learn, I think, and I say this as a person who is not at all close to mastering it…is to refrain from speaking up even when you really, really, really want to. (Other people are *too *good at this, but they don’t start these threads. ;))

Silence can be a very good indicator all its own that you don’t agree, or wish to participate. You can say a silent prayer for them and let it go. In the heat of the moment is rarely a time you’re likely to be persuasive anyway (at least that’s been my experience.)
 
Maximilan_Kolbe said:
Careful; she may interpret “dem” as a political reference, and be off and running…

Safer to just say “hey mom, the Red Sox stink!” That works in my house.
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In my house sports topics would draw more blood than religious or political ones.

OP:

I’m going to go against the grain here and based on your posting history I think you need to learn how to speak of these things intelligently and logically. Eventually you are going to move away from your parents and you are going to find the real world will make your mom seem like a teddy bear. Learning what you believe and how to articulate it without high emotions will be necessary. My children are younger than you but I press them on thier beliefs all the time. Even to the point of taking a devils advocate position. This enables them to learn what they believe and how to communicate it. Which is why my children are quite confident in thier beliefs. Perhaps engaging in a religious or political discussion with your mom will cause you to further educate yourself about the topics. Also, your mom might need someone to converse with about these things since your dad does not engage. I know my wife makes an effort to “care” and discuss/debate things with me that probably are not that interesting to her.
 
Honestly, it may not be fair, but those who diapered your bottom rarely want to hear your opinions on politics or religion. Your best bet is to learn how to do a sweet smile and say “I’d rather not argue. Oh, and these potatoes are wonderful! What did you put in them?”
 
Just about nobody is ever converted by the water-tightness of their loved one’s arguments for particular political or religious views.

Also, as a smart guy once said, a prophet is only without honor among his own people.

Related: the engagement announcement scene from Steve Martin’s Father of the Bride.

youtube.com/watch?v=qdQb7p3FQOg

(If you watch it, watch to the end–it’s short.)
 
DarkLight said:
Honestly, it may not be fair, but **those who diapered your bottom rarely want to hear your opinions on politics or religion. **Your best bet is to learn how to do a sweet smile and say “I’d rather not argue. Oh, and these potatoes are wonderful! What did you put in them?”
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:yup: and :nope: We’d really like to hear that former wearers of diapers that we changed after having labored for *x *amount of hours generally share our opinions --or something close to it. We like it when they, having given the matters that interest us some thought and used their obvious intelligence, (which they inherited from us) come to a conclusion that we don’t find offensive (And thank you, dear, I sometimes add a bit of dill leaves to the potatoes. ;))
 
If you personally find your opinions are more moral and thought out than your mother’s are, just remember the verse in Matthew about not throwing your pearls before swine. I’m not calling your mom a pig, just reminding you that she is someone who won’t appreciate the opinions that you have to offer. Just learn to let whatever she says roll off you. You’ve tried, there’s no sense in beating a dead horse.

If you must engage, ask questions. Maybe you can get her to follow one of her lines of thinking far enough to realize why it doesn’t make sense, but do no more than ask questions.
 
1ke said:
Just stop engaging.

Stop taking the bait.
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Yes. And you don’t have to say, “Let’s agree to disagree.” You can just say, “Dinner does not go well when we talk about that topic, Mom. Let’s talk about something else.” If she keeps on, you can say, “Dad, do *you *have a topic we can talk about at dinner? How has work been treating you?”
 
I get along with my mother and we disagree politically. I respect her point of view because she is my mother and she respects my point of view because I am her son. I would suggest not talking about those topics that trigger your mother if these arguments really bother you.
 
One of my sons is very liberal. We love each other a lot and find topics to talk about that aren’t politics or morals, for the most part. It’s pretty offensive when someone 30 years younger than you assumes that you don’t know what you;'re talking about - even when you don’t.
As a previous poster said, you’ll never convince your mother by argument. The best you can do is convey that you respect and value her, but that you don’t see eye to eye. She will remember your respect when she has forgotten your arguments.
And you can pray for her.

.
 
Parents hate it when their children think for themselves instead of reproducing their beliefs.
 
Joie_de_Vivre said:
Parents hate it when their children think for themselves instead of reproducing their beliefs.
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Yes and no - depends on the parent, the child, and the belief.

Most parents would probably like their child to agree with them, but not only out of a desire for obedience but also out of a belief that their position is reasonable and defensible. I don’t have older children yet, but I remember as a teacher I found brown-nosing nauseating. I don’t particularly want my children to do that. (I will admit that there are parents who seem to.)
 
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