Porn, Chat Rooms.. My Marriage Doomed

[deeder33]

I’m completely heart broken. My husband of 7 years has chosen porn and chat rooms over me and my daughter. I actually found the chat room activity just tonight!

I found the porn problem in the first few months of marriage–told him at that point I’d leave him if I found it again. I did find it again…later. He begged me to stay and I did. Over the years things only got worse between us. Sure we had our ups and downs, but the underlying problems were there–just hidden in the background.

It’s been over 6 months now since we’ve had sex. According to him, he apparently has no urge to do anything with me because he says he’s trying to be fair to me. He doesn’t what me to get my hopes up if we were to have sex that things were getting better.

I’ve aknoweldged things that I have done to hurt this marriage and am making good progress. He says he’s tired of trying and unless it’s an easy fix, he doesn’t want it. That was several months ago and since then I thought things maybe were getting better. I’ve been going to counseling alone because he wants nothing to do with it. But after tonight and seeing all the things he has been doing on the computer–it just makes me ill. It has completely destroyed my self-esteem and confidence–not to mention my marriage.

I’ve posted other things too about our relationship and I only have a few to turn to. These details aren’t eagerly shared with friends and family.

I try not to ‘check up’ on him, but it seems everytime i do, i find something! If it’s not porn, its bank accounts with huge balances that i know NOTHING about and now with the chat/messengers. He actually BLOCKED my email so i wouldn’t see him when chatting!!

I’ve turned to the Lord and asked him for help, but i feel i have no guidance! HELP ME–What do I do??

 

[nana3]

I can sympatize with you. I also have been married for 7 years and at one time, my husband was into porno. I have friends who almost got divorced because of his porno addiction. She filed for divorce and that scared him and he went to porno addiction support groups and prayed a lot and took his wife on a Protestant “Family Life” conference. After that conference, she decided to stay with him and they have a very happy marriage now. What hurt me the most was the lies. My husband would tell me he was not looking at porno anymore and I would find hidden magazines and movies. He got very good with the computer and downloaded his nude pictures on disc. I decided to check all our disc one night and found about 6 of them full of nude women. I will say that what helped my husband was to get off the computer, he did not spend much time on it anymore, and frequent confession, and Steve Woods article from St. Joseph’s Covenant Keeper- What is Pornography Doing to Fathers and their families? There is a section in the article for wives that helped me so much. You should read it. It can be found on dads.org. I know that I told my husband the same what you told him that if you found it again that you would leave him. I did not leave because I felt it was an addiction problem that was very commend in today’s world and that our marriage was worth the fight. I have other problems with him as well as that one for he has mental illness and one of the symptoms is excessive anger. That is worst to deal with then the porno. He tells me that he is not doing porno anymore. I, of course, did not believe him, for he has said that before, and I would find porno. I am slowly trusting him again. I have not found porno for about a year now. I believe him and told him if he broke that trust again, it would be hard to repair. Please continue to pray a lot, especially the Rosary. Hopefully, your husband will do the say and go to frequent confession and go to a support group. Even if he doesn’t, there is a support group for women whose husbands on addicted to porno. It is usually offered at a Protestant church. I will keep you in my prayers. It is so sad that the sins of the flesh are so commend today.

 

[Streetdoc]

Have you tried councilling, or asking him to talk with a Priest about his addiction? You should also try a retreat program such as Marrage Encounter (wwme.org/index.html) I whish you luck with this and I will be thinking of you during my prayers

 

[SemperJase]

deeder33:

It’s been over 6 months now since we’ve had sex. According to him, he apparently has no urge to do anything with me because he says he’s trying to be fair to me. He doesn’t what me to get my hopes up if we were to have sex that things were getting better.

I don’t believe that for a second. Sorry, we guys just aren’t that sensitive.

I doubt has lack of interest is the result of looking at porn either. Because as tempting as porn is to see, it doesn’t beat the real thing.

No, there is definitely something more going on here.

I’ve aknoweldged things that I have done to hurt this marriage and am making good progress. He says he’s tired of trying and unless it’s an easy fix, he doesn’t want it.

Here is something. He is admitting he has given up. Does he have any sense of obligation for keeping the vows he made? Is he generally a man that keeps his word? Would you consider him someone who does his duty (with the exception of the porn problem)?

That was several months ago and since then I thought things maybe were getting better. I’ve been going to counseling alone because he wants nothing to do with it. But after tonight and seeing all the things he has been doing on the computer–it just makes me ill. It has completely destroyed my self-esteem and confidence–not to mention my marriage.

I would like to point out that you are giving him the power over your self-esteem and confidence. His failings are not your fault. Even if he tries to blame you, he is the one that has chosen to do those actions.

The way to get your confidence back is to act…

I’ve turned to the Lord and asked him for help, but i feel i have no guidance! HELP ME–What do I do??

These things are easier said than done. Put your husband in a position to succeed. For example, freely compliment him (“you look good today”). Thank him when he does something or if he doesn’t volunteer, ask him to help and sincerely thank him (“can you take out the trash?” “Thank you for helping me”).

I have a reputation for getting unwilling people to work with me. It works in both personal and professional relathionships, but for some reason it is easier to forget to do these things in your personal life (in my experience). Here’s how I do it.

First you need to be proactive in helping the other person. Here is the key in giving that help; when you do something for a person, you should tell them subtly that you are helping them. By subtly, I mean you can’t say it in a way that says you expect something in return. Preface you actions with “Let me help you with that”, or “What can I do for you?” When you’re finished, say something like “glad I could help”. It must be genuine though. Doing things for people and graciously emphasizing your help solicits gratitude over time.

Now that leads to the next step. You will need something from that person. Never demand that assistance (“You need to take out the trash”). Start by soliciting help. Say things like “can you help me take out the trash?”. “I really need some help” in a non-demanding tone. In my experience, it is almost magical. People are generally not defensive when you show vulnerability by first asking for help. Asking for help tends to trigger a sympathetic response in others.

Of course when the help is granted, you must again genuinely express gratitude.

That’s my 2 cents on beginning to build positive behavior in communicating with someone who is reluctant to listen.

 

[mrconrail]

It brakes my hart to read what you wrote. the worst part is it seems as if he does not want to change.

**from a man’s point of view ** I can tell you first hand that it is very easy to become attached or addicted to porn. women want a relationship in which they feel appreciated. a man on the other hand is very visual and can become attached to an image that does not complain, has the look of always willing, and can be tossed aside when he is done with her. this is putting it very simply and most women will not fully understand it but belive me it is true. just look at how many adult magazines their are for men vs adult magazines for women. (it has to be at least 20 to 1 if not more.

the more a man looks at these images the more he wants to view more. this is because porn promises what it can not deliver. it may only bering phisical pleasure but does not fill the emotional need, but it calls out to a man “hey next time will be better”

I think that his lying to you about bank accounts and trying to cut you off from the computer is all tied the the addictive nature of porn, but I think it may go deaper then that. have you ever heard of dry drunk? basicly that is an alcoholic how has stopped drinking but never delt with the mental and spritural issues associated with it. If you got rid of all the porn and know for certain that he is not using it, he still must work threw the other parts of the problem.

while I am sure that you do pray for him everyday. encurage him to go to confession. (if you can find a church that offers it daily that is the best thing so he will not have to wait if he decides on Monday that he wants to go. tell him not to be imbarissed as the preist has heard these sins many times.

While he may tell you that he does not want to change (or even if he says he does), See if he would be willing to attend Mass with you one day each week in addition to Sunday. Never under estimate the power of the Mass.

one last suggestion I have, get the book “Every Man’s Battle” while it is not Catholic it is Chistian based. you may want to have one of his friends give it to him without telling him that it came from you. Keep in mind that this is a book written by men for men. The title really does hit the nail on the head as I have never met a man who can honestly say that this is not a battle.

God Bless

 

[ConcernCatholic]

deeder33:

I’m completely heart broken. My husband of 7 years has chosen porn and chat rooms over me and my daughter. I actually found the chat room activity just tonight!​

I’ve turned to the Lord and asked him for help, but i feel i have no guidance! HELP ME–What do I do??

I know how you feel. I was married for about 5 years before things finally came to head with me and my husband. The morning after we got married, I woke up to him looking at porn instead of being with me. He blew it off. I caught him with the stuff several times and he always blew it off. There was period of time where I tried everything including looking at it with him. The more I tried to help and be supportive, the more reclusive he got. I am pretty computer savvy so I checked every hidden file, every disk, every cookie, and every inch of our computer. There was no nook or cranny in our house or computer that I had not been through. Of course, I was not secretive about it either. If I found something, I would confront him. I got to where I would get up in the morning when he did and would go to the living room so he would not have unsupervised time on the computer. He would get up several hours before me and use that time to do his thing on the computer. I would come home from work and the chain would be on the door and I would have to knock to get in. I could tell by his actions that he was up to no good. When we got pregnant with our first daughter, I thought that the problem was gone. I had issued several different ultimatums. All remnants of that stuff were gone and I had not caught him or found anything suspicious. The only problem with the relationship was the lack of intimacy. It was a chore to get him interested and it was never satisfying. He never talked to me and our marriage was a joke. I prayed and did just about everything I could think of to improve our relationship. The final straw was when he was forced to resign his position at a university because he was caught looking at the stuff at work. Instead of looking at stuff at home, he did it at work. He had secret e-mail addresses and everything else. Losing his job was the wakeup call he needed. From that day forward, he never argued with me about having a problem. He joined Sex Addicts Annonymous and has bought several self help books and instead of turning on the computer in the morning he prays. He found a book of meditations for recovering sex addicts. He found a job where he did not have an office or a place to use the computer privately. He makes sure that he has no private time on the computer. If he gets on the computer to check the e-mail when I am not around, he tells me. He is not allowed to do any of the computer maintenance without me. Half the battle is getting them to admit that they are addicted. He lost his job in 2003 and we have had another child. I can honestly say that I am finally happily married. It took a long time but he finally came clean and told me how bad things really were. Looking at all that porn and filth destroyed every ounce of sex drive he had. I could go on forever about how the porn drove a wedge between us and ruined the intimacy in our marriage. Now, I help keep him accountable. Every so often, I will ask him when was the last time he looked at that stuff. He always has the same answer…“The last day he was at that job.” He tells me that he struggles with it everyday but that his prayer and my persistence keeps him on the straight and narrow. Of course, the fact that I told him that I will take our children and leave doesn’t hurt either. He knows that I am serious about this too. I have learned that sometimes you have to be mean. If they think they can continually make excuses and get away with it, then they will continue to behave this way. The only suggestions that I can give you is to pray that he gets a wake up call. It is not an easy road. I know how dirty and unloved you feel. I could never understand why he chose those skanky pictures and movies over me…HELLO…here I am…I am real. I will do just about anything you want as long as you give me a little love and attention. There were times that I just wanted to run away screaming and crying because I felt unlovable. Now that my husband is in recovery he has made it clear to me that it had nothing to do with me. He has spent the last 3 years proving himself time and again. I try to trust him but I always find myself wondering if he has slipped whenever he gets a little distant. I will definitely put you on my prayer list.

 

[Cupofkindness]

Why do men look at porn in the first place, and in the second place, if they know it’s wrong?

 

[ConcernCatholic]

Cupofkindness:

Why do men look at porn in the first place, and in the second place, if they know it’s wrong?

There are several reasons. I asked my husband this same question once he began recovery. One was that he found his dad’s stash of magazines when he was around 13 and didn’t have the maturity or wherewithall to NOT look. When you get exposed to something like this with no instruction at a young age, it makes it easy to get addicted. He was a young boy that hit puberty and was going through a crisis about his sexual identity. The other thing is how saturated our society is with it. In Texas, everywhere you look there are billboards advertising adult video stores, adult ligerie & toys, and cabarets and other types of adult entertainment. I have to monitor our computer closely because there are inappropriate pop up adds as well as inappropriate unsolicited e-mails that come through. It is very societal. Society continually bombards us with talk, images, and everything else. In the case of my husband, he learned from his father. The sad thing is that they are very devout Catholics. I talked to my mother in law about my husbands porn problem and she openly admitted that his dad has the same problem but that she didn’t really care because at least he wasnt’ “bothering” her if you know what I mean. I would not convert to Catholocism until after my husband started recovery. Being addicted to porn is very similar to being addicted to alcohol or anything else. The first time you do it you think just once won’t hurt and the next thing you know you are being secretive and destroying your life and your family. I have had to do quite a bit of reading, praying, and soul searching to come to grips with a husband that has this problem. Thank God he hasn’t messed with any of that stuff in a long time. He has been sober from porn for about 2 and half years now. It is difficult for him though because everywhere he looks there is reference to porn and other stuff that should be kept in the bedroom or not talked about at all. It is much like being an alcoholic. You have to set yourself up for success.

 

[1ke]

www.dads.org is an excellent website for men who want to beat their porn addiction. But, of course, only he can take that step.

I am sorry that he has hurt you. Stay in counseling for yourself. The porn is not about you, so please don’t internalize his addiction as something that you did, or that you are responsible for.

 

[SemperJase]

Cupofkindness:

Why do men look at porn in the first place, and in the second place, if they know it’s wrong?

Because men really like to look at women.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

Cupofkindness:

Why do men look at porn in the first place, and in the second place, if they know it’s wrong?

Aren’t most of our worst faults chosen after the age of reason?
“Just this once.”
“Who is this hurting?”
“The rules are for other people.”
“Who’s going to know?”
“Everybody does it.”
“Maybe it isn’t as bad as everyone makes it out to be.”
“I have all sorts of friends who do it. They think I’m nuts. Maybe they’re right.”
“Yes, that’s wrong, but what I do is totally different.”
Etc. Etc. Etc.

 

[Toni]

SemperJase:

Because men really like to look at women.

But woman who will degrade themselves. Whats to look at?:banghead: I wouldn’t dream of looking at a man that would degrade himself like this. No different than looking at pond scum to me!

 

[BLB_Oregon]

Toni:

But woman who will degrade themselves. Whats to look at?:banghead: I wouldn’t dream of looking at a man that would degrade himself like this. No different than looking at pond scum to me!

Well, think about what the guys behind the camera are telling them. Consider that there are other unbelievable things that men are willing to do in order to get looked at. It might not work with some women, but it gets them looked at. People looking for someone else to tell them that they’re worthwhile are known to do some inexplicable things.

Try to be merciful. There is a God-shaped vacuum in us all. Those of us who don’t have a clue how to fill it–or who don’t want to believe what we know–will try anything.

 

[Toni]

BLB_Oregon:

Try to be merciful. There is a God-shaped vacuum in us all. Those of us who don’t have a clue how to fill it–or who don’t want to believe what we know–will try anything.

It is not that I am not merciful just lack the understanding behind the sickness of this. My husband would say that girl is definetely a porcupine and of course dumb me would say what do you mean? He would reply the old phrase about the pricks sticking out of the porcupine. I just get disgusted by the whole thing. Mainly the fact that people will pose like that and perverts will look at it.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

Toni:

It is not that I am not merciful just lack the understanding behind the sickness of this. My husband would say that girl is definetely a porcupine and of course dumb me would say what do you mean? He would reply the old phrase about the pricks sticking out of the porcupine. I just get disgusted by the whole thing. Mainly the fact that people will pose like that and perverts will look at it.

I see what you mean. But of course it is inexplicable. It’s not your temptation. Looking at sin from a standpoint of sanity and truth, all sin is nuts. Who in their right mind would sell their birthright for filth and rags, would turn on their Maker in favor of their destroyer, for any price? You’d have to be blind, stupid, or crazy. Lord, have mercy, because that’s what we are.

Now, how one gets these poor women to see that, that’s the question. It is frustrating to see another person in such a pitable state.

 

[SemperJase]

Toni:

But woman who will degrade themselves. Whats to look at?:banghead:

Attractive women.

I understand they aren’t appealing to you. But men are wired in a way that we like looking at women. Especially when they aren’t wearing clothes.

I wouldn’t dream of looking at a man that would degrade himself like this. No different than looking at pond scum to me!

Which demonstates one of the differences between men and women. As another person pointed out, there are few porn magazines directed to women - only one that I can think of. There are many for men.

 

[Toni]

No matter how you paint it, the only difference between them and a scumy aids infected prostitute is that they are still young enough to pose like that. Nice thought uh? Sure makes me want to get on the internet and look.

As for doomed I will pray for you and hope that some of the advice that some have given is taken. A counselor the internet site for help and pray like your life depended on it cause it does. My X son in law started with this and ended with child pornography. Does one lead to another I don’t know.

 

[SemperJase]

Toni:

No matter how you paint it, the only difference between them and a scumy aids infected prostitute is that they are still young enough to pose like that. Nice thought uh? Sure makes me want to get on the internet and look.

If you are speaking from a moral view, I can see your point. Otherwise there is a lot of difference or it wouldn’t sell.

As for doomed I will pray for you and hope that some of the advice that some have given is taken. A counselor the internet site for help and pray like your life depended on it cause it does. My X son in law started with this and ended with child pornography. Does one lead to another I don’t know.

Apparently I haven’t been communicating effectively. I have not been defending porn - only objectively explaining why men are tempted to look at it.

However women have their own porn, only they don’t call it porn. They call it “erotica” or “romance novels”. Sex is more graphically descripted in romance novels than in many skin magazines. For some reason, those stories appeal to women in a way that is not appealing to men. Yet I’d say that skin mags and romance novels are morally equivalent in the end.

Both sexes have their temptations that appeal to how they were created. That doesn’t make succumbing to those temptations right.

However I gladly accept your prayers. Sex is everywhere, and I am a man subject to those temptations.

 

[Toni]

Well I will pray and thank God when I go to bed tonight that I do not read trash or look at it either. But I understand what you are saying I have talked to woman who need to read these novels. I for one am glad that God did not give me these temptations.

But I appreciate you clearing this up from a man’s point of view.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

Toni:

No matter how you paint it, the only difference between them and a scumy aids infected prostitute is that they are still young enough to pose like that. Nice thought uh? Sure makes me want to get on the internet and look.

The only difference between them and anyone else on the planet is that they look like that and have given into the temptation to pose like that. Likewise, those who look at them: the means to fall, the temptation, the fall. They are tempted there by the world, the flesh, and the devil, just like the rest of us. Their sin is repulsive, but so are all sins. Marriages ruined, futures ruined, souls ruined, a shame that is rationalized away and hidden for as long as possible. Many, like St. Paul, fight without success and wonder at themselves, too, and find their own weakness repulsive. “The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” It is another awful verse in the same old dance. “There but for the grace of God”…as the saying goes. Pray that they have a victory before worse consequences fall on them.

Toni:

As for doomed I will pray for you and hope that some of the advice that some have given is taken. A counselor the internet site for help and pray like your life depended on it cause it does. My X son in law started with this and ended with child pornography. Does one lead to another I don’t know.

I would guess that your ex-SIL was more vigilant about hiding his interest in child porn or that he found it more difficult to get. Even adults who see nothing wrong with porn think that is a repulsive interest. Most appreciate that those in the pictures have been utterly victimized, that there is no rationalizing it as just an alternative interest.

deeder33, as for the advice given here, it’s been good. Keep getting yourself counseling, remember that this is not your fault and absolutely is no reflection on your worth, do what you can to help him by your own gracious treatment of him, but do not put his success on your own shoulders. You may be able to help him change, but changing is his choice and only his. He may be an addict, he may have less self-control than you can understand, but in the end, it is he who has to take the steps that will lead to his recovery.

I suspect that, like alcohol addiction, this is always going to be a severe temptation for him. Even if he comes around to seeing that he has to give this up, he will have to give it up every day, one day at a time, for the rest of his life. I don’t know if there is a pornography analog to Al-Anon, but you might want to ask your counselor. You may even be able to find a counselor who specializes in this sort of problem. Were I in your shoes, I’d want someone else stuck walking in them to journey with.