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Celtic_FC
Guest
Any man who has never been addicted to porn is truly blessed.
- Status
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nana3
Guest
To clarify also, I did not mean that you should even tell your husband that your praying for him. Just pray for him and pray with your daughter. Jesus loves the prayers of innocent children. I allow my daughter (6 years old) to say her own prayers after the Rosary or before. It is also nice to see how they see things. Pray for your husband. 
S
smallcat
Guest
My heart goes out to you. My DH battled this, on and off, for most of our 10 year marriage. We are only now beginning to see our way out of it, and I can empathize with so many of your feelings of rage, abandonment, fear, and lack of trust.
Like you, I was always the one, from the very beginning of our marriage, who wanted sex more often than him… so discovering this issue was particularly devastating for me. How could he go online, pleasure himself to images of other women, while still refusing my advances?!? I was crushed and heartbroken beyond belief. I was fortunate, I suppose, in that he never denied that this was a form of adultery, but even though he recognized his sin, it truly held a lock on him and he didn’t stop for years. His problem ultimately related to serious clinical depression that he battled (without diagnosis) for years. As others have mentioned, it may well be that the porn is a symptom of something else. Whether it’s called an addiction or not-- I believe it can be for some men-- it is often an escape from the problems of life, a way of not dealing with other problems.
I can only tell you what was helpful to me, and hope that you may gain some hope from my experience. We attended counseling together for about a year, which was moderately helpful. I wish we would have started by setting a few goals with the therapist, and asking for concrete steps we could take. As it was, DH and I both felt we wasted a lot of time just talking without having a clear goal: how to develop accountability for him? Dealing with my anxiety? Building trust in our relationship? We seemed to flit from topic to topic. I strongly encourage you to seek counseling, even if on your own, but don’t be afraid to start by asking the counselor **specifically ** what your goals will be and how you will work to reach them. Revisit these goals periodically.
There are a number of internet resources that I found helpful, some of which have been mentioned here: www.dads.org was moderately helpful. I found www.pureintimacy.org more useful; it’s sponsored by Focus on the Family and they have a LOT of articles about this issue, from both “sides”. This was very helpful for me to start to understand where DH was coming from. I also found Christian wives of addicts a very helpful message board. Most of the posters seem to be protestants, but commited Christians of a conservative bent. It helped me to realize that I’m not alone and I do have support, particularly since I didn’t feel I could tell anyone about this shameful topic.
What was far more helpful for us than any amount of counseling was retrouvaille (www.retrouvaille.org). It originated and has remained a Catholic program, but is open to those of all (and no) faiths. At our weekend, at least 25% of the couples were of a protestant background. A priest is one of the presenters, but with the exception of Mass on Sunday (which is at the very end and totally optional), there is nothing overtly Catholic about it. Even the prayers are generically Christian, with no sign of the cross or prayers to the saints or anything like that. I was strongly encouraged by posters here to go to retrouvaille when I posted with my own questions a while back, and I am SO GLAD that we went. I can’t say enough about it. There is a series of post-session follow-ups, too, so you aren’t left cold after the weekend. It is intense, and emotionally draining, but worthwhile. Please consider this.
Some of the advice on this thread has been helpful, some has infuriated me. At the risk of flaming, I will let you decide which is which. Believe me, I suffered (and still struggle with) from constant anxiety over what he was and wasn’t doing online-- checking history, etc.-- I came to realize that this was counterproductive and only fueling my own insanity. Once I was able to accept that I have no control over his actions, that it is HIS responsibility, I was able to let go and give this over to God. That sounded trite to me at the time, but it is so true. Note that this **DOESN’T ** mean I stopped praying for him, or stopped bringing up the topic for us to discuss, or stopped going to counseling. Quite the opposite. It did mean I stopped trying to control his every move, though, and started acting like the wife I wanted to be-- kind, generous, loving-- even though I knew he didn’t “deserve” it (after all, who among us deserves any measure of love from Christ?) and I certainly didn’t feel like it.
I will be praying for you and your family. Please, please consider Retrouvaille.
Like you, I was always the one, from the very beginning of our marriage, who wanted sex more often than him… so discovering this issue was particularly devastating for me. How could he go online, pleasure himself to images of other women, while still refusing my advances?!? I was crushed and heartbroken beyond belief. I was fortunate, I suppose, in that he never denied that this was a form of adultery, but even though he recognized his sin, it truly held a lock on him and he didn’t stop for years. His problem ultimately related to serious clinical depression that he battled (without diagnosis) for years. As others have mentioned, it may well be that the porn is a symptom of something else. Whether it’s called an addiction or not-- I believe it can be for some men-- it is often an escape from the problems of life, a way of not dealing with other problems.
I can only tell you what was helpful to me, and hope that you may gain some hope from my experience. We attended counseling together for about a year, which was moderately helpful. I wish we would have started by setting a few goals with the therapist, and asking for concrete steps we could take. As it was, DH and I both felt we wasted a lot of time just talking without having a clear goal: how to develop accountability for him? Dealing with my anxiety? Building trust in our relationship? We seemed to flit from topic to topic. I strongly encourage you to seek counseling, even if on your own, but don’t be afraid to start by asking the counselor **specifically ** what your goals will be and how you will work to reach them. Revisit these goals periodically.
There are a number of internet resources that I found helpful, some of which have been mentioned here: www.dads.org was moderately helpful. I found www.pureintimacy.org more useful; it’s sponsored by Focus on the Family and they have a LOT of articles about this issue, from both “sides”. This was very helpful for me to start to understand where DH was coming from. I also found Christian wives of addicts a very helpful message board. Most of the posters seem to be protestants, but commited Christians of a conservative bent. It helped me to realize that I’m not alone and I do have support, particularly since I didn’t feel I could tell anyone about this shameful topic.
What was far more helpful for us than any amount of counseling was retrouvaille (www.retrouvaille.org). It originated and has remained a Catholic program, but is open to those of all (and no) faiths. At our weekend, at least 25% of the couples were of a protestant background. A priest is one of the presenters, but with the exception of Mass on Sunday (which is at the very end and totally optional), there is nothing overtly Catholic about it. Even the prayers are generically Christian, with no sign of the cross or prayers to the saints or anything like that. I was strongly encouraged by posters here to go to retrouvaille when I posted with my own questions a while back, and I am SO GLAD that we went. I can’t say enough about it. There is a series of post-session follow-ups, too, so you aren’t left cold after the weekend. It is intense, and emotionally draining, but worthwhile. Please consider this.
Some of the advice on this thread has been helpful, some has infuriated me. At the risk of flaming, I will let you decide which is which. Believe me, I suffered (and still struggle with) from constant anxiety over what he was and wasn’t doing online-- checking history, etc.-- I came to realize that this was counterproductive and only fueling my own insanity. Once I was able to accept that I have no control over his actions, that it is HIS responsibility, I was able to let go and give this over to God. That sounded trite to me at the time, but it is so true. Note that this **DOESN’T ** mean I stopped praying for him, or stopped bringing up the topic for us to discuss, or stopped going to counseling. Quite the opposite. It did mean I stopped trying to control his every move, though, and started acting like the wife I wanted to be-- kind, generous, loving-- even though I knew he didn’t “deserve” it (after all, who among us deserves any measure of love from Christ?) and I certainly didn’t feel like it.
I will be praying for you and your family. Please, please consider Retrouvaille.
M
MarySon
Guest
I am really sorry to hear that your loved one is addicted to porn. A few guys and I meet once a month to watch videos and discuss issues pertaining to the Catholic Faith. Through this year the topic deals with the Fatherhood. A couple of months ago we watch a video produced by a protestant group about porn and how to deal with it. One of the recommendation for someone to break with this habit was to find an accountability buddy, get some software that would block your access to immoral sites, etc. One site that stuck in my mind that was recommended by the video creators was www.xxxchurch.org, but there are others. You and your family will be in my prayers.
J
jebojora
Guest
Back when I was a nomianl Christian, and before I was Catholic, I lived with a man who was addicted to porn. Prior to knowing hiim I had now idea there was such trash available. It was quite a shock to me.
The first time I found any of the magazines, I looked through them and was horrified. I didn’t know such stuff was available…pregnant women posing naked…geeze…such unholiness!! Anyway, I too felt rejected. I wasn’t unattractive and could not understand his addiction.
He would hide the stuff all over the place. He would come home in the middle of the day to “be alone” with his magazines. Every time I would find the stuff I’d confront him, we’d argue. One night he just disappeared…his car was in the driveway but he was not where to be found. It was after dark so I walked around the neighborhood to look for him…I found him in the parking lot of a convenience store (they were closed) under the light looking at one of his magazines. That’s how addicted he was. I was so hurt…it made me feel sick. He would rather spend time with these nameless, faceless (basically), images than with me!
The last straw was when I came home for lunch one day and found a page out of one of the magazines laying on the kitchen floor. Obviously, it had fallen out somehow. It was more of the pregnant stuff. My son was in middle school at the time…if I hadn’t come home at lunch, he would have found that page on the floor! I was livid…I told the guy to move out.
Please know that I have moved on from that time in my life…I was very far from God myself then. But the point I’m trying to make is that I understand how damaging pornography can be to a relationship. It makes a woman feel unattractive, cheap, and like she’s being used. In a marriage it is nothing short of committing adultery.
But, it is an addiction and your husband needs help. He needs to understand that this is not acceptable, that this is not how God intended women to be viewed. He needs to get a handle on this and realize that he’s damaging himself, his soul. He should care about that. It’s a sin…he should start with talking to a priest.
Please realize that it has nothing to do with you. Even though it hurts he is not choosing pornography over you, he is choosing himself over you. As with all sin, it is an act of selfishness. Pleae turn to God, He is with you in your pain. You can find peace there and He will never reject you.
The first time I found any of the magazines, I looked through them and was horrified. I didn’t know such stuff was available…pregnant women posing naked…geeze…such unholiness!! Anyway, I too felt rejected. I wasn’t unattractive and could not understand his addiction.
He would hide the stuff all over the place. He would come home in the middle of the day to “be alone” with his magazines. Every time I would find the stuff I’d confront him, we’d argue. One night he just disappeared…his car was in the driveway but he was not where to be found. It was after dark so I walked around the neighborhood to look for him…I found him in the parking lot of a convenience store (they were closed) under the light looking at one of his magazines. That’s how addicted he was. I was so hurt…it made me feel sick. He would rather spend time with these nameless, faceless (basically), images than with me!
The last straw was when I came home for lunch one day and found a page out of one of the magazines laying on the kitchen floor. Obviously, it had fallen out somehow. It was more of the pregnant stuff. My son was in middle school at the time…if I hadn’t come home at lunch, he would have found that page on the floor! I was livid…I told the guy to move out.
Please know that I have moved on from that time in my life…I was very far from God myself then. But the point I’m trying to make is that I understand how damaging pornography can be to a relationship. It makes a woman feel unattractive, cheap, and like she’s being used. In a marriage it is nothing short of committing adultery.
But, it is an addiction and your husband needs help. He needs to understand that this is not acceptable, that this is not how God intended women to be viewed. He needs to get a handle on this and realize that he’s damaging himself, his soul. He should care about that. It’s a sin…he should start with talking to a priest.
Please realize that it has nothing to do with you. Even though it hurts he is not choosing pornography over you, he is choosing himself over you. As with all sin, it is an act of selfishness. Pleae turn to God, He is with you in your pain. You can find peace there and He will never reject you.
N
nana3
Guest
Deeder33, we have not heard from you. Please let us know how you are doing? You continue to be in my prayers as I am sure many here are praying for you also. Hope things are working out for what is best for you and your family. Keep the Faith and let us know how your doing.- Status