Porn, Chat Rooms.. My Marriage Doomed

[ConcernCatholic]

BLB_Oregon:

I suspect that, like alcohol addiction, this is always going to be a severe temptation for him. Even if he comes around to seeing that he has to give this up, he will have to give it up every day, one day at a time, for the rest of his life. I don’t know if there is a pornography analog to Al-Anon, but you might want to ask your counselor. You may even be able to find a counselor who specializes in this sort of problem. Were I in your shoes, I’d want someone else stuck walking in them to journey with.

There are quite a few sex addicts anonymous groups. There are tons of self help books and literature. There was a similar thread on this not that long ago that had some great links to web sites and literature and such.

 

[Houro]

I’m only 20, but I have some advice for deeder33. When I was really into pornography and all things sexual, I thought there was no way out. ALL my friends looked at porn, and it was normal to talk about it and share it! I thought I was normal. Long story short… I turned to the Rosary. I pray it every day, and it is amazing!!! I no longer have that urge for sexual things. It’s truly amazing! And if I do, I just pray 'O Mary concieved without sin pray for us who have recourse to thee." and it all goes away! Anyway, my friend who is now becoming a priest had the same problem and has found the Rosary to help so much! Try talking to your husband about this alternative?

I hope that you can take this and at least try it? I believe that it can help, I hope you can too.

Good luck and God Bless!!!

 

[AlanFromWichita]

deeder33:

I’ve turned to the Lord and asked him for help, but i feel i have no guidance! HELP ME–What do I do??

I’ve known a few guys who got into online porn, both married and not. Two in particular are of interest. Both times there was an ostensibly normal marriage and sex lives, until the woman “discovered” his secret, in which case all hell broke loose.

Notice the women had no problems with their husbands until they found out this, and then suddenly there was a big problem.

From the standpoint of a guy, I’d like to suggest that looking at porn is NOT an insult to the wife, nor is it necessarily competition. It may be sinful and all that, but that’s a different topic. It was primarily the hurt feelings of the women that then drove the marriage downhill.

As far as the guy not wanting to fix anything, I’ve heard that, too, in fact from one of those above. The man has always believed that sex is tied to some favor. For example, if he’s caught doing something wrong (such as looking at porn) then he gets cut off from Real Sex as a punishment. What does that do? Increases the desire for the porn, while making the wife less available than before as a person to whom he can go to talk about his issues. The way he figured it, she never made the moves toward him anymore, so she obviously wasn’t interested, and he, AS A GENTLEMAN, would not initiate anything because he was convinced she only had sex with him in order to try to control his behavior.

{edit>> I learned through this, too, that men want their women to come to them because they WANT to, not because they have to, are supposed to, or are trying to “butter up” the guy. Keep in mind that guys think any girl can get sex at darn near any time, so the only reason to do it with them is a) they are deemed superior to others, or b) the wife is being obedient or is setting him up. A guy doesn’t want his wife to be sexually active because she is supposed to; he wants to think that SHE WANTS him, and him alone. In a mature relationship, she still gets to look at other men and even comment on them, but no matter what it always drives her back to him.}

What did she do? Tried to make herself seem more attractive, I guess, by working out and playing sports and she did shape up but now is hanging around other sports guys and has no idea why he has a problem with it. At this time they are at a standoff and they live, with their three children, as brother and sister. I am very concerned about them. Socially they act just fine, but I think it’s a matter of time until someone “officially” cheats.

From this friend’s experience, I can see how many men do think that anytime they have sex they will pay one way or the other, if nothing else than by guilt trip.

What do I think? This may not be strictly Catholic advice, but I suggest you 1) do not feel the porn and chat (if it doesn’t involve physical meetings) are competition or necessarily anything against you (ok, just say it’s a “guy” thing). Do not lose confidence in yourself or your desirability. Become more aggressive in approaching him more often, and make it clear that you are the “real” thing.

Here’s what NOT to do. Do not hold yourself back from him or make sex contingent upon “good behavior” or you are shooting yourself in the foot. I’ve seen others go down that path and it isn’t pretty. There comes a time when a man’s entire being becomes against being controlled – even by something very desirable – and his entire identity becomes wrapped up in maintaining that independence. If he’s physically cheating with other women, then this is a whole different story.

Alan

 

[AlanFromWichita]

SemperJase:

By subtly, I mean you can’t say it in a way that says you expect something in return. Preface you actions with “Let me help you with that”, or “What can I do for you?” When you’re finished, say something like “glad I could help”. It must be genuine though. Doing things for people and graciously emphasizing your help solicits gratitude over time.

That’s my 2 cents on beginning to build positive behavior in communicating with someone who is reluctant to listen.

I especially like the part: "By subtly, I mean you can’t say it in a way that says you expect something in return."

This is EXCELLENT advice. SemperJase, I wish I could have worked for a boss like you.

Alan

 

[AlanFromWichita]

Toni:

But woman who will degrade themselves. Whats to look at?:banghead: I wouldn’t dream of looking at a man that would degrade himself like this. No different than looking at pond scum to me!

It doesn’t have to be women who will degrade themselves.

Could just as well be a quick peer down the shirt of a businesswoman leaning over at a table.

The only reason men look at women who “degrade” themselves, is that “degrade” is the term we have given for women who will do what men want.

In my case, I don’t find a desire to have sex with such women, but there was a time I was pretty interested in looking at them. By now they all look about the same, but for some reason I still look.

Do not try to deny or rewrite the scripture:
Proverbs 27:20:

The nether world and the abyss are never satisfied; so too the eyes of men.

We are given eyes that are never satisfied. Ladies, we have to live with ourselves all the time and we know what promises we make. You can help by not treating our physical realities as if they were some sort of attitude problem. Most of us don’t want to cheat, but we are so tense about being THOUGHT OF as not faithful simply by looking and observing that we often telegraph the wrong message – especially when the woman is suspicious and/or hurt.

Show me a healthy man that doesn’t find pretty women attractive or who doesn’t at least want to see them, and I’ll show you a blind man.

Alan

 

[deeder33]

A few things to clear up from all of your posts…

From the beginning of our marriage—I was the one never satisfied with the quantity of sex. So, the ideas of me keeping sex from him for any type of punishment just doesn’t fly.

At the same time, many times that we did have sex, my mind always would think (if not during the act of sex, at least afterwards) did he see that ‘move or position’ on-line? During our last few encounters he would make me pretend i was a lesbian—of which is something i know he looks for on-line. So, you may say it doesn’t have anything to do with me–but that’s hard for me to seperate when he’s pulled me in…

My husband also isn’t a practicing Catholic, he converted after we got married to keep peace in the family. He would come to church with me–but doesn’t anymore. So, to ask him to go to church with me turns into an argument. I cannot imagine asking him to do anything else along those lines.

He says that all the other guys look at porn–it’s not a big deal. Even though he admitted it probably isn’t right to do–but it’s nothing.

I’m very seriously thinking of asking him to move out. My daughter is picking up on the animosity we have and I cannot bear her to be subjected to anymore of it.

Oh—and his job—he’s on a computer all day at home. He has no accountability to anyone. He makes very good money, so to him, he will never leave his job. He also travels a lot–and again–there is no accountability–so there is no way to know what he really is doing.

I beg for you to pray for me and my family.

 

[AlanFromWichita]

deeder33:

At the same time, many times that we did have sex, my mind always would think (if not during the act of sex, at least afterwards) did he see that ‘move or position’ on-line? During our last few encounters he would make me pretend i was a lesbian—of which is something i know he looks for on-line. So, you may say it doesn’t have anything to do with me–but that’s hard for me to seperate when he’s pulled me in…

Ouch. I see what you mean.

I never figured out why guys like to watch lesbians, unless they think it would give them some sort of insight on what they might do that a woman would like. Other than that I never saw the point. Oh, I guess the other side is that if a woman is a lesbian there is a possibility of a two-on-one encounter.

Yuck. I remember the TV preacher Fred Price when he was lecturing on “one woman is more than enough for any man.” I fully believe that, and I think men who “need” more than one woman are getting the benefit out of the one they have. For one thing, as you have given example, it’s trying to make you into something you’re not. Surely he would be more amazed if he could get to know you as you are.

My husband also isn’t a practicing Catholic, he converted after we got married to keep peace in the family. He would come to church with me–but doesn’t anymore. So, to ask him to go to church with me turns into an argument. I cannot imagine asking him to do anything else along those lines.

That doesn’t help.

He says that all the other guys look at porn–it’s not a big deal. Even though he admitted it probably isn’t right to do–but it’s nothing.

That’s not completely true. All healthy men may have an eye, but seeing something fleeting and actively searching for it are two different things. In the cases I knew of, the porn problem was pretty much isolated until it was discovered – then it grew into other marital problems. In a case where he is asking you to act out fantasies he may have seen, then it not really “no big deal” anymore.

I’m very seriously thinking of asking him to move out. My daughter is picking up on the animosity we have and I cannot bear her to be subjected to anymore of it.

That’s a tough choice. Is the animosity coming from him?

Oh—and his job—he’s on a computer all day at home. He has no accountability to anyone. He makes very good money, so to him, he will never leave his job. He also travels a lot–and again–there is no accountability–so there is no way to know what he really is doing.

I beg for you to pray for me and my family.

You got it.

Good luck with the job. These days job security is not what it used to be. Major companies (like Lucent Technologies in my case) still layoff sometimes over 100,000 people and they lie to and cajole their employees right up to the last minute so they (and Wall Street) won’t see it coming. When you say “accountability” I assume you are talknig about his being unchaperoned during business trips. Do you think he is actually cheating on you with live women? (Sorry if you already answered that)

Alan

 

[deeder33]

i was leaving for church this morning and when i realized he was going to be gone for the airport (overnight business trip) before our daughter and i came home i started to break down, i was planning on talking to him while our daughter went on a play date this afternoon. I put her in the car and i went back in the house–I SNAPPED.

I was cursing and yelling – telling him horrible things and then i tried to slap him. I told him not to come back. I left to go to church and on the way he called me and told me ‘for the record, i have never messed around with anyone’. In church, I didn’t last 5 minutes before i started to breakdown. We left and came back home. I talked to him some more. I apologized telling him i didn’t want him to leave and for trying to slap him. I told him i just wanted him for one minute to feel pain i have inside. But it looks like he will be moving out.

He says he is dead to me. The changes i’ve made to this marriage have came too late according to him. We talked about the porn some more and he says that he looks at it once a week because we aren’t “doing” anything. He says he doesn’t have feelings to do anything with me. With all of this going on over the past few months, I’ve lost 25 pounds and he says it has nothing to do with the way Iook because I’m as beautiful as I ever have been. But he doesn’t have those feelings for me anymore and doesn’t think he ever will.

I’ve asked him if he’s depressed because he seems to have some of the symptms, he of course, says no. I asked him if he had any male problems, he said of course, no.

He’s already made a list of the things he is going to take from the house. He says he’s going to an apartment down the street for our daughter’s sake.

I am a wreck. Our daughter is going to be devestated–I am devestated – and he doesn’t seem to care. I feel God has abandoned me.

 

[nana3]

Dear Deeder33, My prayers are with you and many Rosaries. God has not abandon you. I feel so sorry for what you are going through. My sister’s husband told her the say things about having no feelings for her anymore. He felt and she had no choice due to special circumstances, but to file for divorce. What is there to hold on if he says he doesn’t love you anymore? I talk and talked to my X brother in law and he kept telling me that he did not love my sister anymore. There problems were money and sex and in the end a mistress. I don’t know what to say except that the Lord will give you the strength to carry this cross. I trully believe that whatever happens whether good or bad, it is God’s will. It will be His Will or that He allows it to happen for some reason that we can’t see for we can’t see the future. My sister asked her X to please return, but he said no. The kids did and are suffering due to it. Divorce breaks up the family that breaks up society. It is sad that it is common today. If only couples said together longer it would work out, but we are selfish creatures and want things our way. I will pray for you and your little girl. Pray to Our Lady and continue the Rosary, she will hold you in her hands. I have two divorce sisters now. They are both better off emotionally and spiritually without their X’s. The first sister to divorce it was due to porn also and sex problems. She went back to college and got a degree. My other sister who has yet to be divorced for a year, has also accepted the divorce, and moved on. She is in college again and is 40, to continues her studies as a Physical Therapist. Yes, she is still suffering, especially when her husband has the kids on his weekends. She hates the fact that he is living with his mistress and soon to be wife (not marrying in any church). She is growing closer to Jesus every day. She told me that if she didn’t suffer so much over all this (losing weight also) that she would have not come to Jesus and to love him more. Suffering has a way of doing that. As Mother Teresa said, “It is the kiss of Jesus” in referring to suffering. Stay close to Jesus and Mary.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

deeder33:

i was leaving for church this morning and when i realized he was going to be gone for the airport (overnight business trip) before our daughter and i came home i started to break down, i was planning on talking to him while our daughter went on a play date this afternoon. I put her in the car and i went back in the house–I SNAPPED.

I was cursing and yelling – telling him horrible things and then i tried to slap him. I told him not to come back. I left to go to church and on the way he called me and told me ‘for the record, i have never messed around with anyone’. In church, I didn’t last 5 minutes before i started to breakdown. We left and came back home. I talked to him some more. I apologized telling him i didn’t want him to leave and for trying to slap him. I told him i just wanted him for one minute to feel pain i have inside. But it looks like he will be moving out.

He says he is dead to me. The changes i’ve made to this marriage have came too late according to him. We talked about the porn some more and he says that he looks at it once a week because we aren’t “doing” anything. He says he doesn’t have feelings to do anything with me. With all of this going on over the past few months, I’ve lost 25 pounds and he says it has nothing to do with the way Iook because I’m as beautiful as I ever have been. But he doesn’t have those feelings for me anymore and doesn’t think he ever will.

I’ve asked him if he’s depressed because he seems to have some of the symptms, he of course, says no. I asked him if he had any male problems, he said of course, no.

He’s already made a list of the things he is going to take from the house. He says he’s going to an apartment down the street for our daughter’s sake.

I am a wreck. Our daughter is going to be devestated–I am devestated – and he doesn’t seem to care. I feel God has abandoned me.

God hasn’t abandoned you. Your husband has. God save him, but it is time for you to view this soberly.

This is not your fault, but the responsibility for you and your family now rests solely on you. Your husband is a sick man who’s made it clear–in spite of his intent to get an apartment down the street “for our daughter’s sake”–that he has abdicated his responsibility entirely. He has done nothing for anyone’s sake, save when his own wants were met first. He is taking none of the blame for this. He has made it clear that one of his first priorities is getting his share. Do not fool yourself, and do not feel guilty about it.

Your husband cannot be trusted with your future, your credit, or your daughter’s best interests. Find a good attorney tomorrow, see him or her as soon as possible… and then take their advice, even if that includes getting an immediate legal separation. Do whatever it takes to protect your joint assets from spousal theft, if you are advised to do so. If your marriage has any future at all, it will rest in your willingness to keep your husband from doing anything more foolish than he already has.

I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. Hang in there, and God be with you.

 

[ChristsSoldier]

Be Blessed,
I have a few questions.

1. Do you and your family go to mass regularly? Are you active at Church other wise?
2. Do you see his looking at Porn as ‘cheating’ on you? If so, is he aware that you see him as cheating?
3. Did you know he looked at porn before you married him?

It seems there is a partial, probably total, loss of trust on both of your parts. If you were seriously going to leave him over this early into the marriage - this breaks my heart. There are sooo many other options that can come first - have you explored any of them?

I will pray for and your husband and that the ‘root’ cause here comes to the surface and that boh of you team up against it and keep our Lord between you.

Peace,
CS

 

[deeder33]

I go to mass every Sunday. He does not. We are not active in the parish because religion has always been an issue with him. I was afraid to make that kind of commitement to any church, especially entering in it with a marriage about to fall apart. For some reason, I thought it was wrong to commit to the church in that state. We have also moved several times over the years, so it’s hard to find a church and find a priest. I finally called a priest the other week to ask him about joining the church (i am a sponsor for someone being confirmed–and being a member is a requirement.) I was suposed to have talked to him after church today about things. I couldn’t make it through church without breaking down.

Yes, I do see him as ‘cheating’ on me when he looks at porn. I think he knows how I feel, I honestly don’t know if much of anything I say registers with him. I did tell him that it was in the bible because i thought i read it the other day, but now i cannot find any backup for my claim! He told me that he would not give it up, so if that is a requirement to get back together, it’s over. I told him he sounds like an alcoholic.

No–I did not know for sure he looked at porn before I married him. I’m not neive–I had a good idea that he might have been. He was in the military and we were apart most of the years we dated. But I really had no idea it took on the form it did. He claims what he looks at is tame to what other men look at.

I told him today that I wouldn’t be snooping through his things if i trusted him. Things were good a few years ago and i rarely did it. But since things are so bad and the lack of sex, I just knew something else was fullfilling him. So, I look–I want answers! He thinks I treat him like his mother (he had a bad childhood and broken home) and he hates that i treat him like his son. I promised him today that i wouldn’t look anymore. I will need God’s grace to keep my promise.

He is not willing to do anything to save this marriage. I am going to counseling–but even that isn’t going well because he works so often out of town i cannot keep my appointments.

I am a very weak person emotionally and any prayers for strength would be appreciated.

 

[Toni]

We will pray for you. Know there are a lot of others out there like you. Somehow things work out with God at your side all is possible.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

deeder33:

He is not willing to do anything to save this marriage. I am going to counseling–but even that isn’t going well because he works so often out of town i cannot keep my appointments.

I am a very weak person emotionally and any prayers for strength would be appreciated.

He said that if there is no easy fix, he doesn’t want it? There is no easy fix. You know that. He knows that. There may not even be a difficult fix, except to just keep going as you are, and that is no fix at all. You have one hope… refuse to take his ultimatum as an answer. Insist that he either make some effort or leave. Period. You have seen where letting him call the shots has gotten your family. His track record as a spouse, by your characterization, has been one of abdication, self-indulgence, and manipulation. Unless you have grossly mischaracterized his conduct, you have little choice.

Arrange for a sitter so that you can still make appointments when he’s gone, if you have to, but make those appointments. And please, please… do seek legal protection while you still can.

If you think of yourself as weak, he probably does, too. I very much fear that his willingness to manipulate your emotions and take advantage of your good nature is only going to get worse. There are people who will help you through this difficult time, people who chose their line of work partly because they can’t stand to watch manipulative spouses in non-viable marriages ruining the lives of good people afraid to harm those they love.

For your daughter’s sake, if nothing else, seek out their help, and when it comes, accept it. After all, you are teaching her what kind of behavior a spouse should and should not accept. Try to do it for her. You are far less likely to someday see her go through the same thing as you did. If you are fooling yourself into thinking that she is learning what a good marriage is now, drop the idea. That can’t be faked.

As far as his mother goes… that is between him and his mom. If he doesn’t bring the minimum requirements of a husband into your marriage, there can be no marriage, no matter what you are willing to give. It doesn’t matter if it isn’t his fault that he is the way he is. It doesn’t matter whose fault it is. It doesn’t matter how desparately anyone in the world wishes things were diffferent. You can’t change the laws of physics, and you can’t change that one, either. That has been proven over and over for thousands of years. God made those immutable laws for our good. Don’t look to God to repeal them.

 

[ChristsSoldier]

Hmmm, honestly it seems your issue here is (and has been) much bigger than porn. Is he Catholic? Was he active in faith before marriage? From my perspective (male) men tend to use porn to ‘escape’ the reality they live in - sounds lame I know, but that tends to be the case.

In a lot of ways the emotions in what you say are troublesome to me… You say you were ready to leave him over porn. You also now say he has told you he will not quick or come back to you if he cant have porn.

You said you only snoop because you cant trust him. But when things were good you still snooped (rarely).

A friend of mine RAVES about the book “The proper care and feeding of husbands” by Dr. Laura Slesinger. She also was emotionally wrung out and somewhat inconsistent at one time and this book really seemed to help her.

I am very uncomfortable with using the word ‘addiction’ or it’s derivative when discussing obsessions or habits. I dont see how alcohol and porn can be tied together, and it doesnt seem that ‘porn’ is the problem you are having to begin with.

I will indeed pray for you and would recommend this book. I’m not a fan of the good Dr’s, but did see big results with this book.

Peace and Prayers,
CS

 

[kage_ar]

Pray for your husband, every day. Let your daughter SEE you praying for daddy.

For awhile, try treating your husband the way you would if he were perfect.

Pray for your husband, every day. When you are tempted to yell at him, pray for him instead. Stay close to Jesus, and remember - you may be the only example of a Catholic Christian he sees.

 

[nana3]

I agree with kage_ar, pray and keep praying. The couple I know that got a separation over porn and other matters, did not get a divorce even though she filed for divorce. The year that they were separated the husband had all his family and friends, as well as himself, pray that the marriage would work. He was told my his family that things will not work out and to divorce his wife. He persevered and would do anything for his wife. He humbled himself and allowed his wife to take advantage of him in caring for the kids and etc as they lived apart. It was very difficult for him but he was the one to mess it up with porn. I understand that is different from your husband’s actions, but prayer is what works. Don’t give up praying for him. It is also natural that you will not trust him and that will have to be earned back. I have and still have many marital problems and was once weak. My husband would manipulate me and control me and make me to be the one in the wrong all the time. I was a mess to say the least. I finally got tired of it and said, what do I think of myself. I am not a door mat. You have to get stronger for your sake and your daughter. I was so depressed I didn’t care about taking care of my daughter. I had a good nurse tell me straight to my face, you need help for your daughter get help. I did and had to take anti-depressants for a while only. In that time, I decided to pray a novena to the Holy Spirit. THe Holy Spirit gave me the strength to do what I needed to do. I respected myself even if my husband did not. I told him that I know he manipulates and I will no longer be a door mat. I stop blaming myself for his behavior. He also had a bad childhood and basically dislikes his mother. He keeps his distance from her, but she is very controlling. I even got angry at her for the way all her sons came out. My husband has borderline personality disorder. People get this if they had an abusive childhood. My husband had both parents abusive. If your husband doesn’t want help for now and sees no wrong in looking at porn, don’t lower your standards and accept it. It is manipulation. BE strong and tell him what it is-- a mortal sin. A priest told me when my husband was into porn that he was commiting adultery. It is adultery. Remember what Jesus said that even if you look at a woman or man in a lustful way, it is commiting adultery. That is, of course, not an exact quote. Don’t accept this sin into your marriage. I do agree with others here that this is bigger than just the porn problem. Hopefully, you are not like my marriage, and he has issues with his mother and childhood that needs to be worked out. With the disorder that my husband have, addictions to anything from porn to smoking, is all means to escape the reality of their lives and its problems. A pshychiatrist told me that one. I am still praying for your family and God’s will to be done. Try to Novena to the Holy Spirit for you to get the strength you need.

 

[jc411]

I read this thread a couple times, and kept coming back to Alan’s post #23. Here is some very useful insight. It deserves a very thorough and attentive re-read by all the wives/exwives in this thread. There is not room to repost it here as a quote.

Here is something else to NOT do: DO not beat over his head how much you are “praying for him” and getting the kids to “pray for him too”. Not to say don’t pray, but that is simply using religion as a weapon to guilt trip him, and deep down you know it is true. Don’t drag him before the priest. All this talk about this or that saint and all the other guilt trips from the ladies here, all of it is increasing the problem. If you want to remdiate this you are first going to have to ask what you are doing about this that is actually USEFUL. Do you sit back and guilt trip your husband, showing him no affection at all, and then wonder why this happens? Do you have any personal sense of responsibility in this? Do you ever wonder just what he is looking for that he is NOT GETTING from you when he settles look at those pictures? I hate to defend the guy, but I have to wonder if you forgot that being a wife means taking care of him like he wants to be taken care of, not like you think should, would or feel like. Do you just think you said “I do” and you had your kid(s) and you’re done being sexual now? And laying back and simply putting up with it is not what he wanted or deserved. Who would want that? And stop trying to relate to his passions. You never will. You keep trying to make sense of this when all of sex is illogical anyway. I hate to also say this, but married women don’t want to be truly submissive anymore, especially not in the active, sexy sense. They just think love is unconditional, and it is not really that way in life, not after a few years go by and your husband cannot remember when was the last time you wanted him the way the girls in the pictures look like they want him. Make him a happy man and do your praying in your heart if you want to put a stop to this. I bet that fixes 90% of these issues. But modern women are just not willing, so this porn industry is making a lot of money and loving it. Many wives prefer to make their husband feel dirty, instead of normal, so as to relieve themselves of the bother of being sexual, and the guy ends up isolated with his pent up frustration and this is the result. Sorry to be so negative but nobody is sticking up for men these days. Always it is the man’s fault for everything, 100% of the time.

 

[kage_ar]

To clarify, when I advise to pray for your husband – that does NOT mean beating him with your rosary or using prayer as a way to “guilt” as the above poster said.

Every parent should be praying with their children, and they would go through a list of family and friends that they pray for “we pray for our Lord to bless and protect grandma and Uncle Tom and Daddy…”

When you go to Mass, offer it up for your DH.

 

[ElizabethAnne]

jc411:

Do you just think you said “I do” and you had your kid(s) and you’re done being sexual now? And laying back and simply putting up with it is not what he wanted or deserved. Who would want that?

I believe the poster said that she became concerned when her husband stopped showing interest in her. He has expressed that he no longer desires her. It doesn’t sound like the poster was witholding sex or “simply putting up with it” to me.

jc411:

And stop trying to relate to his passions. You never will. You keep trying to make sense of this when all of sex is illogical anyway.

I don’t think that it is good to encourage anyone to stop trying to relate to his/her spouse. I think you make a good point that many women do try to rationalize things that cannot be explained. But trying to understand what caused the problems in her marriage is essential in her situation.

jc411:

I hate to also say this, but married women don’t want to be truly submissive anymore, especially not in the active, sexy sense. They just think love is unconditional, and it is not really that way in life, not after a few years go by and your husband cannot remember when was the last time you wanted him the way the girls in the pictures look like they want him.

Love within marriage is supposed to be unconditional. That means both that spouses should receive unconditional love and that they should give their own love freely. It’s a difficult task of course and all will fall short at some point. I don’t think the answer to that is lowering standards, rather it is forgiveness.

Again, I’m not sure what this has to do with the original poster since she said it was her husband that lost interest in her.

You also seem to be making sweeping generalizations about women and implying that they drive their husbands to pornography. It sounds like, and maybe you didn’t mean this, it is the woman’s fault when a man falls into sin. While a woman may contribute to marital problems, her husband’s addiction to pornography is not her fault. He chose to turn there.

Also, there are plenty of women, myself included, who have higher sex drives than their husbands. The stereotype that all men want it and their wives withold it doesn’t do justice to the complexity of marriage and physical intimacy.

jc411:

Always it is the man’s fault for everything, 100% of the time.

I definitely, as you do, disagree with this idea that everything is the man’s fault. Wives do need to understand (if they don’t already) the importance of physical intimacy in their relationship. But husbands need to understand that women view sex differently than they do, have different drives and have different intimacy needs that if fulfilled, will assist with other problems.

I really believe that the original poster’s marital problems run much deeper than physical intimacy.