Porn issue repeating itself

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Some years back I was posting on this forum frequently about my husbands porn habit, looking for answers and guidance on how to react. I received many helpful comments and lots of prayers…

For a while, I thought that he was done looking at porn, but on several occasions I have been proven wrong about that. I think there have been several stints where he has went a month or two without looking at anything but that’s the longest.

Several months ago I ran across an email where he had responded to a craigslist ad locally letting the girl know he was in the same town as she was. I work night shift and he emailed while I was working an overnight shift. He claims, and I believe him, that nothing more happened after he responded to the email. He says that she never responded back. Still, I know there was some amount of intent or curiosity, but I just can’t imagine him following through with it.

Most recently I discovered that he has been looking at porn on his phone. He’s only had his own smartphone for the past year, but I think it’s been a fairly frequent habit over the past year for sure. Two nights ago I asked him how often he is doing this, and he said once or twice a week “to get off”. We have nowhere near that frequency of marital relations, and it is repugnant to me that he has continued on with this habit one way or another over the past 10 years of our entire marriage.

What has compounded all of this, is that he has a new friend at work that to me, is an unlikely friend – he is probably at least 15 years older than my husband, he’s divorced and new to the area. He has been to our house for dinner several times, at my husband’s request I cook a nice meal for him to come and eat with us as a family. This person has attended my own family get-together with my immediate family at Thanksgiving, and my husband has spent hours staying late at work visiting with him. I have asked husband several times what led to his divorce… My husband has always said he doesn’t know but he does know that his children want nothing to do with him. Because of this, I remained especially curious what led to his divorce and thus have repeatedly inquired about it.

Two nights ago during a conversation where I was confronting my husband about his continued porn viewing, he decided to confess to me that the cause of this person’s divorce was pornography. I feel so confused and twisted up inside, I don’t even really know WHY I am so upset at this point. Is it the fact that he kept a secret from me, or is it the fact that he’s become best friends with someone else with a pornography addiction? Or am I angry because I’ve become so desensitized to discovering his porn viewing that I tolerate it so very well? When we were dating I told him that this is a deal-breaker. But time and time again he has shown me nothing but disrespect.

Do I need to take a break to get some perspective? For the past three months I have been through the worst bout of anxiety and panic of my entire life. I honestly had a nervous breakdown and didn’t leave my house for a whole week. I don’t attribute it directly to this issue, but at the same time I wonder if I just have lost touch with how all of this really affects me. I really can’t put my finger on what triggered this horrible wave of anxiety… but I do feel like a major component of it is the lack of intimacy in my marriage. I feel so lonely and so far away from any real deep human contact. My husband does not know how to be intimate with me- on an emotional level especially. Would anyone advise the separation? I just feel like I can’t see the forest from the trees right now…
 
Perhaps share this with your husband if he is open to it, that he might understand the beauty in the woman he has. For me the real evil of masturbation would be that it takes an appetite which, in lawful use, leads the individual out of himself to complete (and correct) his own personality in that of another (and finally in children and even grandchildren) and turns it back; sends the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides.

And this harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and really uniting with a real woman.

For the harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no woman can rival.

Among those shadowy brides he is always adored, always the perfect lover; no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity.

In the end, they become merely the medium through which he increasingly adores himself…After all, almost the main work of life is to come out of our selves, out of the little dark prison we are all born in. Masturbation is to be avoided as all things are to be avoided which retard this process. The danger is that of coming to love the prison.”
  • C.S. Lewis, Personal Letter From Lewis to Keith Masson (found in The Collected Letters of C.S. Lewis, Volume 3)Courtesy of Matt Fradd’s blog.You may also consider sharing with him some of the chemical harms when engaging in such acts. Chemicals such as dopamine or oxycontin are released which cause attachments to the source of stimulation. This is ordered to fortify a marriage, but when abused, addicts a person to impersonal images.
Resources:
National Catholic Register
Dr. Darkmoon
 
I think you are hearing alarm bells going off concerning your husband and his new friend up to no good concerning their porn habits, probably with good reason. It’s time for your husband to man up and decide if he wants a real life, flesh and blood wife or the fantasy world of porn. You should see a priest or a professional marriage counselor to help you decide what to do next. This marriage is unhealthy and disrespectful for both of you.
 
Kittery,

Is he Catholic? If so, he needs to be going to confession monthly or as often as needed. The Sacrament itself and the talking to the Priest about his addiction will strengthen him in overcoming it.

PnP
 
Pornography is an extremely difficult addiction to overcome. It consumes the person and like a drug constantly makes them want to “take a hit.”

I’m not sure what your husband’s spiritual state is, but first he needs to WANT to stop. If he is a Catholic, than this desire to stop should be an easy one. The next part is the more difficult part… Actually stopping. Pornography like any vice requires a person to abandon themselves to God and to figure out that they cannot do it on their own. When we fail, we keep peace in our souls, pray for mercy, go to Confession, and realize that our failings come from trying to do it on our own. When we get angry it’s our own pride that makes this happen. Prayer, fasting and the sacraments are the only cure.
 
He is catholic, born and raised. I converted, easily tipping into Catholicism when I read the teachings on sex, marriage, and the church’s steadfast stand on abortion. I thought we were on the same page- did NFP classes before marriage, he would talk fluently about the beauty within the church and the mass.
After the wedding, the NFP ball was all in my court. He didn’t participate the way I thought he would and he left it all to me. The fertile times after our first child was born was when the porn creeped in I think. All those first few years, I started thinking I just had a peppier sex drive than him. He wasn’t ever in the mood because he had already spent himself on the porn.
I’m really wondering if anyone here knows from experience if a separation would work. I’m so irritated just being in the same room as him at this point, and talking gets us nowhere but more frustrated. He does not understand the hurt this causes me and how degraded I feel.
 
I would say the most critical question is whether he wants to stop. If he does, there are filters out there that will help. Yes, there are ways around them, but if he wanted to quit, he could let you set passwords. Catholic Answers suggests a program called Covenant Eyes that sends a report to another person of internet activity. Qustodio does the same thing and works well. It is a process, but this stuff can be shut off, even if it takes a few attempts.

You say you have a child. You should point out to him that if he uses porn, this child will probably find this out some day. I do not know of any parent that wants to face losing respect with their child.
 
kittery said:
He is catholic, born and raised. I converted, easily tipping into Catholicism when I read the teachings on sex, marriage, and the church’s steadfast stand on abortion. I thought we were on the same page- did NFP classes before marriage, he would talk fluently about the beauty within the church and the mass.
After the wedding, the NFP ball was all in my court. He didn’t participate the way I thought he would and he left it all to me. The fertile times after our first child was born was when the porn creeped in I think. All those first few years, I started thinking I just had a peppier sex drive than him. He wasn’t ever in the mood because he had already spent himself on the porn.
I’m really wondering if anyone here knows from experience if a separation would work. I’m so irritated just being in the same room as him at this point, and talking gets us nowhere but more frustrated. He does not understand the hurt this causes me and how degraded I feel.
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I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this, and I feel your pain. As a wife, I’ve been in your shoes and in some ways still am. The suggestions by those above are all very good, but it sounds like what you really want to know is if a separation would work and help. That’s a hard question. With some husbands, just the thought that their wife is truly serious about them wanting to rid themselves of the porn helps them to see the deep sin in it and want to change when separation is mentioned. With others, it can make things worse. Maybe before considering the separation route you might want to tell him that this whole issue is really affecting your health (mental and physical), and ask if he could possibly meet along with you with a Priest or Christian counselor about the porn issue. I wouldn’t wait any longer before posing that question, but I would try to say it in as kind a way as possible. If he refuses (mine refused), PLEASE meet with one YOURSELF alone. It’s far better than neither of you going. It helped me tremendously. There’s also a women’s support group here at CAF titled, “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity” which deals specifically with the degradation and hurt we’re feeling because of this issue. You or any other woman reading this with the same hurt in their life may wish to join if you haven’t already. The group also helped me more than I ever dreamed it would.
In addition, staying close to our Lord in prayer and the sacraments - as well as asking for intercession by the glorious Saints (I recommend our Blessed Mother, St. Monica, St. Michael the Archangel, and St. Joseph) can help more than you might think. They came through for me big time.
Please know that you are in my prayers and that things CAN get better. Our Lord never leaves us alone to suffer. He’s right by your side. God bless you each day and help you to take it one step at a time.
 
bmaj said:
There’s also a women’s support group here at CAF titled, “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity” which deals specifically with the degradation and hurt we’re feeling because of this issue.
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Can you please post the link to the group? It would also really help me. Thank you very much!
 
pnewton said:
I would say the most critical question is whether he wants to stop. If he does, there are filters out there that will help. Yes, there are ways around them, but if he wanted to quit, he could let you set passwords. Catholic Answers suggests a program called Covenant Eyes that sends a report to another person of internet activity. Qustodio does the same thing and works well. It is a process, but this stuff can be shut off, even if it takes a few attempts.

You say you have a child. You should point out to him that if he uses porn, this child will probably find this out some day. I do not know of any parent that wants to face losing respect with their child.
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I do like the idea of taking over the computer logon password. Make him use the computer only when you are around and only in your presence. This is a positive step. I also would suggest both of you meeting with your local priest. Frequenting the sacraments can help a lot, including both reconciliation as often as “needed” and receiving communion. If you can both attend Eucharist Adoration regularly that’s great too. Praying together daily in the morning and evening would be a positive step as well if he is willing. He needs to feel the shame of what he is doing. I’m not clear in reading the posts if he is shamed by his actions or not?
 
Several months ago I ran across an email where he had responded to a craigslist ad locally letting the girl know he was in the same town as she was. I work night shift and he emailed while I was working an overnight shift. He claims, and I believe him, that nothing more happened after he responded to the email. He says that she never responded back. Still, I know there was some amount of intent or curiosity, but I just can’t imagine him following through with it.
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This is a very serious matter. The natural progression of a porn addiction is wanting to begin to live out the “fantasy.” Hopefully he hasn’t actually ever done anything of the sort yet, but he is beginning to flirt with the idea of it.

Your Marriage is certainly in a state of crisis. I would not recommend just waiting and hoping things work out or trying to ignore the matter. I wouldn’t recommend trying to solve this on your own either. I strongly recommend you begin attending couples counseling with him asap.

You should not have to feel neglected or lonely, and I promise he is not becoming a happier person from his addiction. A safe mediated counseling session with a good therapist, where you can really lay out for him how you are feeling and how his actions are affecting you can make a very big difference.

I would strongly recommend doing counseling before trying anything like separation. Separation could have consequences very much the opposite of what you would like to happen.

Do your best to get him to go with you to a priest or counselor, even if that requires an ultimatum.
 
Hi Kittery,

I think your husband needs help. He is addicted to pornography and he is not realising how it damages his own brain and subsequently your relationship.

There is a actually a very new research proving for the first time that the addiction to pornography damages the frontal lobe in the brain with consequences in cognitive functions (such as not being able to plan, see the future consequences of current actions, forgetfulness, depression, poor concentration, disinterest in socialising, disinterest in sexual relationship with own wife).

The research shows for the first time what the effects are on the brain functioning and every day behaviour caused by addiction to pornography. I encourage you to have a look at these videos (and somehow make your husband have a look at them too) that make thousands of guys who are addicted to pornography, voluntarily and readily start a journey of abstinence from pornography. And yes, they all have withdrawal symptoms and severe depression as a result. However, this will pass once they strictly go through the re-wiring of their brain (=complete abstinence). It is actually mind blowing and everyone struggling with pornography and masturbation should look into this:

The demise of guys? - 4:47 min video:
youtube.com/watch?v=FMJgZ4s2E3w

The Great porn experiment - TED talk on symptoms of porn users:
youtube.com/watch?v=vTD_itXrR6E#t=486

Your brain on porn - part 1:
youtube.com/watch?v=aS9vumF6JMU

God bless you, I hope everything turns out well in the end!
 
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