Pornography and Relationships

[19wsharp]

I am 18 and I struggle with the sin of pornography. I am in college and I met a great girl, and we have talked about dating in a few months. I want to date her, but I don’t want to have this struggle because it would affect our relationship and hurt her. I am currently in a support group and I use Fortify to track my habits and routines as well as working towards freedom. I plan on doing Exodus 90 starting in January. I am also getting rid of my smartphone for a lower tech phone. I am struggling to be free of this addiction but I hope these things along with prayer will help. I am wondering what I should do about our potential future relationship. I also know that I need to tell her, but I’m not sure when or how. Please help! Thanks for any advice!

 

[1ke]

I am wondering what I should do about our potential future relationship.

Don’t over analyze. Let the relationship build naturally.

I also know that I need to tell her, but I’m not sure when or how

No. This is a sin for the confessional, not something you tell dates.

If and when you become serious, as in discerning marriage, you can share that your past struggles at a high level.

I hope this is in your past for good.

 

[Irishmom2]

And once you get it under control, you need not share that with her either. There is no way that her knowing about that will be helpful if you have truly conquered your weakness for porn. It would either be over or not.

 

[do_justly_love_mercy]

As a woman, I would urge to think about how women are portrayed in pornography and how that might influence how you think about women and you expectations of sex. I would say that these are the things that are likely to hurt any woman you end up in a relationship with. But there is no need to tell every girl you think about dating that you have a porn addiction. It probably wouldn’t particularly surprise her, as it is very common, but it’s just not something she needs to know about.

 

[Thrstypirate]

Go to confession full hearted, and if you’re lucky (more so blessed by Grace), the habit will break away. Keep going at it.
I also suggest not sharing the addiction with potential girlfriends. You might get a girl disgusted who doesn’t know what you are going through…or worse, encourage you to keep it up.

 

[Cruciferi]

I also know that I need to tell her, but I’m not sure when or how.

I’ve known people that have done this and nothing good came from it.

Continue with your treatment and get spiritual guidance from your Priest.

 

[Tolle_Lege]

As a woman, I would urge to think about how women are portrayed in pornography and how that might influence how you think about women and you expectations of sex.

Good point. Also, those women should not be viewed as “porn stars,” but as children of God, who were once little girls full of innocence who probably never imagined winding up in such a profession later in life. Think to yourself that the woman you are watching was once a young girl filled with hopes and dreams. Pray for them that they may leave a life of sin behind for a life in Christ.

 

[Pat_Albertson]

Porn is a form of political control:

Rolling Stone: "If you don’t masturbate, you’re an anti-semite . . . "

 

[TheMortenBay]

I overcame my addiction when I started going to the Traditional Latin Mass every day. Best thing I ever did for myself.

 

[Haru]

All of the below might be stuff you’ve already heard, but I’ll say it again just incase:

Regarding your journey to a porn free life, first things first, change the way you think of the female body. One thing that pornography does is it objectifies the female body. Every human being deserves to be treated with respect. Keep reminding yourself that the women in those videos are the precious daughter’s, sisters of somebody in the world (even if what they’re doing bad). Treat them with the dignity and respect with which you’d want the women you know personally to be treated.

There’s also this great video I came across on Youtube, I think by a non catholic, about why he stopped watching porn. Many men especicially continue watching porn because they are unaware of the nature of the porn industry and do not realise that just by watching porn they are supporting something absolutely horrendous.

Here’s the link:

It’s a good thing that you realised how this can create a problem in your relationships and can ultimately hurt the one you love, because it’s absolutely true and the risk is extremely high. I’m not going to sugar coat it.

I also suggest listening to some of the talks by Jason evert and theology of the body which make you realise that the image that pornography ( and the world in general) paints about sex and the human body is completely wrong. I feel as part of the process of getting rid of this addiction you need to re-learn what sex really is and how it’s so much more than just selfish pleasure and lustful desire. (Think of it this way: A poor man went aroung begging with a plate made of gold witout knowing its true value, he lived his life in poverty. If only he knew that he already held a fortune in his hands)

Last but not the least, you can’t win this fight alone. Ask Mother Mary for help. Pray the rosary (It’s not easy but totally worth it)

 

[JimR-OCDS]

I suppose the best advice I can give, which was given to me many moons ago, was to consider who makes porn movies ?

I’m not talking about the actors, but those executives in the porn industry. They’re the worse of the worse when it comes to respecting fellow human beings. They’d sell out their own children if they saw the money they could make.

So, when you visit a porn site on the internet, keep in mind the people you’re supporting by clicking into their sites.

 

[jesusmademe]

. I also know that I need to tell her, but I’m not sure when or how.

How do you know that you just have to tell her?
Are you looking for a motherly woman who can help you? Seriously, some people want such women. They can be quiet attractive I tell you.
You could be a shy person who do not know how to live out your feeling and emotions and therefore go to porn and other stuff.
You feel ashamed of your animal nature. You are doing everything you can ik order not to show this when in public or with another person.
You might have an inner darkness that is very psychological and not just about mortal sin.
Too many Christians forget this. They think it is somehow only a moral problem. This is what people said about alcoholism before but now it is considered a decease (which can be accompanied by mortal sin). Some people forget one of these two aspects.
I am by no means saying that this is you. I do not know you at all.

 

[jesusmademe]

and how that might influence how you think about women

It doesn’t always influence people that way. Trust me. Many people just get afraid of the women or act even more shy since they are afarid of showing their libido.
Most people see women in the same way but just never get the right training (not that most people get even if they never watch xxx).

 

[do_justly_love_mercy]

Yes, I can see that that could also be true, and I think there is evidence to support that women are finding sex with men less satisfying because of how watching porn changes men’s responses during sex with an actual partner. What also worries me is how porn, especially over recent decades, has changed people’s assumptions about what it normal. For example, adult humans having body hair is now considered a fetish, a niche interest, whereas until 10 or 15 years ago body hair was the norm and actually considered attractive by most adults. Some women are even now shaving their arms. There is also a normalization of sexual activities that used to be considered kinky, exotic, unusual, or extreme, such as women being choked during sex (I don’t want to give other examples, partly because they are obvious, partly because this is supposed to be a PG-rated forum).

 

[goout]

I am 18 and I struggle with the sin of pornography. I am in college and I met a great girl, and we have talked about dating in a few months. I want to date her, but I don’t want to have this struggle because it would affect our relationship and hurt her. I am currently in a support group and I use Fortify to track my habits and routines as well as working towards freedom. I plan on doing Exodus 90 starting in January. I am also getting rid of my smartphone for a lower tech phone. I am struggling to be free of this addiction but I hope these things along with prayer will help. I am wondering what I should do about our potential future relationship. I also know that I need to tell her, but I’m not sure when or how. Please help! Thanks for any advice!

It would be counterproductive to share such intimate details with someone you are dating.
Develop the virtues needed for your vocation, before you enter fully into your vocation. If that vocation is marriage, embark on a determined practice of the virtues that make for an enduring vocation to marriage. Chastity is one of those. Chastity is a lifelong process in self mastery. It never stops. Chastity is not just about self denial, it is about the proper integration of sexuality within a whole person. That is a beautiful thing, not a life of abjection.

It seems you have one key thing in the struggle against lust; the support of others. An accountability partner is key. Good for you. Few people escape an addiction without being accountable to another person who is walking he same walk. Struggling in isolation makes you easy prey for the evil one. Continue with an accountability partner, and make sure you serve others, even if you feel unworthy. Serving others will help heal you. Don’t wait til you feel holy to serve others.

The other key thing is patience/endurance/humility. It’s a dangerous trap to think of prayers as magic pills. You need to pray, and you need to keep in mind that virtue takes years and years of struggle for 99% of us. Prayers will not avoid the pain and effort of virtue formation, prayers will help you endure that struggle.
If you don’t accept that you are in a continuing struggle, you set yourself up for frustration and despair. And that is the trap.

The trap is not a beautiful woman; the trap is the cycle of lust/failure/shame/despair/self medication. Break the cycle.
Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner.

 

[Searching1]

Do not tell any girl you want to date about your porn habit.

When is the right time to admit to someone you care about and who is an important part of your life about an addiction?

 

[humbleseeker]

I’d say when the idea of marriage is being seriously considered and talked about by both parties. Usually at the stage of intimacy(not necessarily sexual) it would be hard to hide most addictions anyway. If I understand the Op, the woman and he are only talking about dating in a few months. Definitely not then.

 

[Searching1]

I overcame my addiction when I started going to the Traditional Latin Mass every day. Best thing I ever did for myself.

Awesome. Just awesome.

I just assume every young man I see around me is viewing pornography on some sort of regular basis or struggling to stop. It has been normalized. Access is so easy with phones.

Going to support groups is so great because it takes some of that cognitive load off the individual, where, in that moment of temptation (which for me feels like burning waves) I remember there is a group of people I know who I talk to and who are in this with me, and the burden is lessened. Don’t white knuckle this on your own.

 

[Irishmom2]

Well, first it would need to be an actual addiction, not just a bad habit. I have read on this site somewhere that true porn addictions are not that common, while bad habits are. The time to share that you have a true addiction is when you don’t have it anymore. Which means please don’t drag anyone into your porn habit/addiction by dating them. Overcome your addiction first.

And yes, if someone is wondering, I would say the same for a drug or alcohol addiction as well.

 

[on_the_hill]

Do. Not. Tell. Her. Unless, you want her to dump you and tell everyone that you’re into porn. Which would make you a pariah among all the women in your friend group.

Look: There’s a slim percentage of women who would say, “Cool. I like porn, too. Let’s watch together.” I have never met one of these women.

There’s the vast majority of women who would hear that and consider you an irredeemable creep. Better for you to have a substance use disorder like alcohol, opioid, cocaine than for you to be burdened with the label of “porn user.” A woman can forgive and help you through a true addiction but she’ll never want to touch you if she knows you’re creeping on porn.