Pornography, why do men do this?

[Kaily]

I was greatly hurt when my boyfriend, (who is a strong Christian) told me he still struggles with pornography. I knew that he used to, but I thought he overcame it. He informed me that this is still a major temptation for him and that he fell into looking at porn again on the internet, he doesn’t want to keep doing this and put a filter on his computer to block those sites and he has an accountability partner as well and prays and is trying to overcome this, but as his girlfriend, I must say this greatly hurt me. I don’t understand why men do this. (I know it is due to sin and our fallen nature), but it still hurts. It hurts me that he looks at other women in this way and I feel like I’m not good enough. I know that isn’t it, but I can’t stop thinking this way. He said he really struggles with this sin in particular. I hate it! Why do men do this, is there something wrong with me? Why do they feel a need to have so many women? Do they realize how much this hurts us? We’re not yet married and we both practice chastity and absistence. It just greatly bothers me, I’m praying for him that he will overcome this, just wanted to know any others who may struggle with this and how the women cope with this and their feeling when their husbands/boyfriends struggle with this sin and how they deal with it.

 

[GraceDK]

I was greatly hurt when my boyfriend, (who is a strong Christian) told me he still struggles with pornography. I knew that he used to, but I thought he overcame it. He informed me that this is still a major temptation for him and that he fell into looking at porn again on the internet, he doesn’t want to keep doing this and put a filter on his computer to block those sites and he has an accountability partner as well and prays and is trying to overcome this, but as his girlfriend, I must say this greatly hurt me. I don’t understand why men do this. (I know it is due to sin and our fallen nature), but it still hurts. It hurts me that he looks at other women in this way and I feel like I’m not good enough. I know that isn’t it, but I can’t stop thinking this way. He said he really struggles with this sin in particular. I hate it! Why do men do this, is there something wrong with me? Why do they feel a need to have so many women? Do they realize how much this hurts us? We’re not yet married and we both practice chastity and absistence. It just greatly bothers me, I’m praying for him that he will overcome this, just wanted to know any others who may struggle with this and how the women cope with this and their feeling when their husbands/boyfriends struggle with this sin and how they deal with it.

Kaily there is absolutely nothing wrong with you for feeling really sick about what your boy friend has done. Porn is so distorted and so perverted and messes so much with the brain of those women and men that watch it that you have every right to feel both hurt and betrayed as a woman.
The sin is also against you because he is not living chastely and he is not keeping himself pure. He is cheating by having sexual relations with these other women, and this has to be called what it is.
In Jason Everts book “If you really Loved me”, he rightly states that a person is not ready to become married until a porn addiction is truly in the past.
There are some internet pages that deal with ministry to comfort people who struggle with sex addiction and also offers help and comfort to the broken women in their lives. Someone else will be able to direct you to these pages.
Its normal for women who are married to porn addicts to feel extremely low self esteem and betrayed most intimately because of the enormous perversion that their loved ones chose to take part in when they turn to porn.

I am sorry that you are going through this, but I would advice you to step back from the relationship for a while until this has been brought into order and your bf has proven that this was a one time fall. You deserve more than such behaviour and you have to show clearly that you will not tolerate this behaviour in a future spouse.
I know that sounds hard but I believe its the way to go. I am by no means perfect and acknowlege that people who are addicted to porn have a real struggle. But sin is still a choice and just like I would advice the girl friend of a drug addict or alcholic to step back and really consider their future, I also advice that to you.
:hug1:

Grace.

 

[Black_Dog]

All men dont do this!

I’m a heavy smoker. I know I shouldnt smoke, I sometimes despise myself for not having the strength of character to give it up but I keep on smoking despite making one resolution after another to stop. I guess I’m addicted to nicotine. Perhaps porn is a similar type of addiction?

 

[nmoerbeek]

Kaily there is absolutely nothing wrong with you for feeling really sick about what your boy friend has done. Porn is so distorted and so perverted and messes so much with the brain of those women and men that watch it that you have every right to feel both hurt and betrayed as a woman.
The sin is also against you because he is not living chastely and he is not keeping himself pure. He is cheating by having sexual relations with these other women, and this has to be called what it is.
In Jason Everts book “If you really Loved me”, he rightly states that a person is not ready to become married until a porn addiction is truly in the past.
There are some internet pages that deal with ministry to comfort people who struggle with sex addiction and also offers help and comfort to the broken women in their lives. Someone else will be able to direct you to these pages.
Its normal for women who are married to porn addicts to feel extremely low self esteem and betrayed most intimately because of the enormous perversion that their loved ones chose to take part in when they turn to porn.

I am sorry that you are going through this, but I would advice you to step back from the relationship for a while until this has been brought into order and your bf has proven that this was a one time fall. You deserve more than such behaviour and you have to show clearly that you will not tolerate this behaviour in a future spouse.
I know that sounds hard but I believe its the way to go. I am by no means perfect and acknowlege that people who are addicted to porn have a real struggle. But sin is still a choice and just like I would advice the girl friend of a drug addict or alcholic to step back and really consider their future, I also advice that to you.
:hug1:

Grace.

I disagree with Grace. Do not punish your boyfriend who you obviously love because he is being honest with you. He is taking the necessary steps to cure his problem.

Their is a secular book out called Guyland. You might take a look at it to see what (if you throw away your current boyfriend who is in a chaste relationship with you) will await you in terms of selection of other men. I encourage you to have the highest standards, but also to show compassion for the flaws that are common. If you are unable to show compassion you are not ready for an adult relationship.

The people with the highest standards are of course nouns who choose to marry Christ.

Some tips:

Pray the rosary together, were modest clothes and encourage activities that keep his mind busy.* I think filter software sucks, google OpenDNS it works much better.
*

However, it is your choice and you should make the choice no matter what it is. I would not take anyone’s advice (not even my own) and would make up my mind independently.

 

[sillyfuzz]

Kaily,

The greatest gift one can give to their spouse is their purity. Your boyfriend needs help in learning the true meaning of his masculine sexuality(and you, your feminine sexuality). I highly recommend you both read Christopher West’s book Theology of the Body for Beginners. And then discuss it. Christopher West also has DVDs. It is a great introduction to human sexuality as God designed it.

 

[sillyfuzz]

Also, have him put his PC in a place in the house that is not private and visible. This will be a deterent, but is a bandaid. His primary goal is to correct how he sees the beauty of a woman. JPII once said that, “It’s not that pornography shows too much of the woman, but rather it doesn’t show enough.”.

 

[PaulinVA]

Kaily,

The greatest gift one can give to their spouse is their purity. .

I disagree. The greatest gift you can give your spouse is your total and absolute commitment to remain married and work through problems and attempt to live your sacramental marriage to it’s fullest every day.

Not to defend sinful behavior, but I wish women could go through just one day with testosterone running through their system.

 

[emill311]

If I might offer my perspective, as a man who has struggled with pornography and other lustful desires for a long time-

I understand that your bf’s pornography addiction is hurtful to you, and your feeling confused, angry, wounded, etc. It is also hurtful to him and to your relationship, and it sounds like he recognizes this. It is not your fault, and feeling inadequate will not do you or your relationship any good. You both need healing- have either of you spoken to a priest about this?

He is *struggling * with his sin, and it sounds like he truly wants to overcome it. Porn and other lustful compulsions can become habitual quite easily for men (especially with its accessibility in today’s culture), and I would venture to say that most men struggle with lust more than other sins. Habits can be hard to break, and even those with the greatest intentions can fall back into old habits from time to time.

Please don’t feel that in any way you are “not enough” for him, this is not why men look at porn. Pray for him, and pray with him. Understand that he may sin again. Be supportive, try not to turn your hurt back on him. I don’t mean to say that you shouldn’t let him know how you feel, just do it in a loving, gentle way.

Computer filters and accountability partners are great steps, he might also want to seek out a spiritual mentor who can counsel him. Ultimately he may have to get the computer out of his house. One suggestion for him that has worked for me- whenever impure thoughts or desires enter my head, I try to focus on the Blessed Mother. Say a Hail Mary or two. I find it much harder to give into lust when focusing on her.

I don’t necessarily agree with Grace’s opinion that you should step away from the relationship until this is completely resolved. He is sincerely working on it. If every woman did that, then very few women would find men who are “worthy” of marriage. We are all sinners, we all struggle with sin throughout our lives, some sins we overcome easily and completely, some we may struggle with until our last breath.

And with the utmost charity, I would suggest that you pray for yourself in this matter too. Pray that you can forgive him, have the strength to support him in his struggle, and pray that you will not be hard on yourself either. Forgiveness is the first step on the road to healing.

You are both in my prayers

 

[kage_ar]

The world tells him this is normal.

He needs to surround himself with men who do NOT believe that everyone does this. Those who know it is a sinful, nasty habit.

To paraphrase the words of the Bible, if your computer causes you to sin, throw it out. It is better to enter heaven without broadband than to enter hell with the fun the internet provides.

 

[kage_ar]

All men dont do this!

I’m a heavy smoker. I know I shouldnt smoke, I sometimes despise myself for not having the strength of character to give it up but I keep on smoking despite making one resolution after another to stop. I guess I’m addicted to nicotine. Perhaps porn is a similar type of addiction?

Difference here, smoking is morally neutral. It is not a sin, unless it becomes gluttony.

Porn and masturbation are always gravely sinful.

 

[PaulinVA]

Difference here, smoking is morally neutral. It is not a sin, unless it becomes gluttony.

Porn and masturbation are always gravely sinful.

Not to be argumentative, but cigarettes are the only product sold in America that, if used properly, over time will kill you.

Definitely not morally neutral. More like suicide.

 

[Kaily]

If I might offer my perspective, as a man who has struggled with pornography and other lustful desires for a long time-

I understand that your bf’s pornography addiction is hurtful to you, and your feeling confused, angry, wounded, etc. It is also hurtful to him and to your relationship, and it sounds like he recognizes this. It is not your fault, and feeling inadequate will not do you or your relationship any good. You both need healing- have either of you spoken to a priest about this?

He is *struggling *with his sin, and it sounds like he truly wants to overcome it. Porn and other lustful compulsions can become habitual quite easily for men (especially with its accessibility in today’s culture), and I would venture to say that most men struggle with lust more than other sins. Habits can be hard to break, and even those with the greatest intentions can fall back into old habits from time to time.

Please don’t feel that in any way you are “not enough” for him, this is not why men look at porn. Pray for him, and pray with him. Understand that he may sin again. Be supportive, try not to turn your hurt back on him. I don’t mean to say that you shouldn’t let him know how you feel, just do it in a loving, gentle way.

Computer filters and accountability partners are great steps, he might also want to seek out a spiritual mentor who can counsel him. Ultimately he may have to get the computer out of his house. One suggestion for him that has worked for me- whenever impure thoughts or desires enter my head, I try to focus on the Blessed Mother. Say a Hail Mary or two. I find it much harder to give into lust when focusing on her.

I don’t necessarily agree with Grace’s opinion that you should step away from the relationship until this is completely resolved. He is sincerely working on it. If every woman did that, then very few women would find men who are “worthy” of marriage. We are all sinners, we all struggle with sin throughout our lives, some sins we overcome easily and completely, some we may struggle with until our last breath.

And with the utmost charity, I would suggest that you pray for yourself in this matter too. Pray that you can forgive him, have the strength to support him in his struggle, and pray that you will not be hard on yourself either. Forgiveness is the first step on the road to healing.

You are both in my prayers

Thank you so much for prayers and advice. I do have compassion on him and I’m not breaking up with him over this, he is sincerely trying to overcome this, but this is a sin he struggles with the most. We have gone to a Christopher West conference together and I have some of his books as well and I will work on truly forgiving him, he told me he hates that he has to struggle with this sin and he wishes it would just go away. The reason he fell back into it (he hadn’t done it in a few years) was because of a pop up image on his computer. He has been in tears over this, so he is sorry and wants to overcome it, so I will support him and pray with him and for him.

Thanks for your advice, I appreciate it. I’m just struggling with this hurt I feel right now.

God Bless

 

[sillyfuzz]

PaulinVA,

What discribe is the total gift of self, which is de facto of a true marriage, and starts at the time of your vows. The gift of your purity is a gift as a result of all the days prior to that. I did not say the gift is to stay pure, but to be pure. Just as the Bride(Church) should be pure to receive its Bridegroom(Christ/Eucharist), one should be pure to receivie thier bride/bridegroom.

 

[jwashu]

I was greatly hurt when my boyfriend, (who is a strong Christian) told me he still struggles with pornography. I knew that he used to, but I thought he overcame it. He informed me that this is still a major temptation for him and that he fell into looking at porn again on the internet, he doesn’t want to keep doing this and put a filter on his computer to block those sites and he has an accountability partner as well and prays and is trying to overcome this, but as his girlfriend, I must say this greatly hurt me. I don’t understand why men do this. (I know it is due to sin and our fallen nature), but it still hurts. It hurts me that he looks at other women in this way and I feel like I’m not good enough. I know that isn’t it, but I can’t stop thinking this way. He said he really struggles with this sin in particular. I hate it! Why do men do this, is there something wrong with me? Why do they feel a need to have so many women? Do they realize how much this hurts us? We’re not yet married and we both practice chastity and absistence. It just greatly bothers me, I’m praying for him that he will overcome this, just wanted to know any others who may struggle with this and how the women cope with this and their feeling when their husbands/boyfriends struggle with this sin and how they deal with it.

There is nothing wrong with you, first thing is for you to know and believe that.

Secondly, men do this who are completely faithful (physically), love their wife with all their heart and would never actually cheat on them. Yes Christ tells us that we can commit adultery in our hearts but He also tells us not to call anyone Father. In each of those cases He is talking figuratively and not literally. Protestants use the Father verse against us Catholics all the time. And many people use the lust/adultery verse as prelude for their anger at the other sex.

IMHO that is not what the Bible is talking about. What Christ is saying is that lusting for someone other than our spouse can be or is damaging. If done often it can create a wall between us as a couple, and just like covet it can eventually lead to much more destructive behavior (stealing and physical adultery respectively).

However we must remember that there are many mortal sins that turn us away from God and our spouse and that can be just as destructive as this. However because this is so prevalent in our society some always want to give it extra attention. When we do that we must also understand the definition of pornography. That being anything we read, see or even hear that is designed to stimulate us outside our Sacramental relationship with out spouse. Thus those romance novels so many women read? porn. Soap operas? porn. Disparate Housewives? porn… all of them just as much designed to stimulate us as the latest, what we normally consider, porn flick.

Men are visual creatures, the visual images may turn them on but this is not a replacement for true love like in a Sacramental Marriage.

The biggest issue with porn IMHO is that many women feel exactly the way you described and personally I know of no man who looks at porn (or has in the past) because they think/believe their wife or girlfriend is not attractive or they wish they could have the porn star instead. I’m telling you that 99.9% of the time this is the case. There are probably some men who do look for that reason but I’ve never met one (and I know a lot of people from all different backgrounds).

Most men, if they indeed see this as a sin, see it as a very personal one. For your boyfriend to open up about it is a step in the right direction.

Realize more and more of society is accepting certain aspects of the adult entertainment industry as mainstream. Even many “Bible Christians” who are intent on telling everyone who doesn’t believe exactly like them that they are bound for hell accept and even hold meetings at their church about couples watching porn together as a marital enhancement. As a convert I know many people who believe this is completely ok… it is not. I’ve heard people say that reading those novels makes them think of being with their husband… that’s the same thing with the visual internet porn. Most men do it not to escape from their spouse but because they actually desire them more… it’s it sad how the devil takes something so beautiful and natural and twists it with our failings?

So hear is my advice, take it for what you will, encourage and help him with this. Remember that it’s not about you, no matter how much it seems that way. You are a real person and very special. Treat this sin like any other mortal sin, something that people will struggle with, possibly all their life but that can be overcome through the Grace of our Lord.

Again most importantly for you or anyone else who reads this and feels like a victim, don’t. Don’t let someone else’s, even your spouses, action dictate your self-esteem and self worth. When they fail help them deal with their demons but don’t let that effect you and the beautiful person God made you.

Joe

 

[basilisk]

Why do men do this, is there something wrong with me? Why do they feel a need to have so many women? Do they realize how much this hurts us?

Men don’t do this. Little boys who have not learned how to control themselves do this. I know that probably every guy on Earth has looked at something pornographic, and probably a lot of women too. Might even have indulged an immoral impulse or two while doing it. But most people grow up and move on. The ones who don’t are either so damaged from their upbringing, and their idea of sex is so distorted, that they may never be able to validly marry, OR they are so immature that obeying their impulses is all they do, and they don’t think about it or try to control it. Many of them don’t CARE how much it hurts their women, or they are so able to compartmentalize their lives that they truly believe it hurts no one.

If this guy is truly addicted, meaning that if presented with a real live woman who wanted sex, he would turn her down in favor of looking at porn, then BAIL. You do not want the heartache of being his wife. If he is as immature as I described above, you can’t marry him until he grows up and learns to control himself. If he is as damaged as I described above, you probably should never marry him.

Let’s be honest here. If you were to say today, “I am leaving you until you stop looking at and using porn,” are you important enough to him that he would move Heaven and Earth to find a way to stop? I mean counseling, treatment, total accountability to at least one person… or just doing it on his own cold turkey… Would he kill himself to get you back and prove to you that you come first, before his liking for porn? Because if he wouldn’t, then you are NOT the top of his list and should not marry him. Any woman should be absolutely certain she is the most important thing in the world to the man she is marrying (unless he has children already, then they should be first).

Not to defend sinful behavior, but I wish women could go through just one day with testosterone running through their system.

Paul, I have seen you say this a couple of times before. And what I wish is that men would stop assuming they have the corner on strong, persistent, acute sexual urges. Until you have been a woman on the day or two before her ovulation, with peak estrogen coursing through your system, please do not assume you know anything about living in a woman’s body. I won’t tell you I know what it feels like to be a man, because I can’t, but we can have sex drives just as strong as yours.

 

[basilisk]

The reason he fell back into it (he hadn’t done it in a few years) was because of a pop up image on his computer. He has been in tears over this, so he is sorry and wants to overcome it, so I will support him and pray with him and for him.

Oh please. Until he accepts some accountability for his own actions, he will never overcome his problem. He had to CLICK on the pop up image to get to a porn site. He CHOSE to do that, no one forced him. And if he really hadn’t done it in years (addicts are notorious liars), then he didn’t value his “sobriety” much. People who are serious about overcoming their addictions do everything they can to avoid being tempted. Why didn’t he install a simple pop-up blocker if he was serious about never looking at porn? My anti-virus software has a built-in pop-up blocker. And if he has a filter, how did this pornographic pop-up get through? And how did he get to the sites, unless he disabled the filter?

I think you’re being sold a line because he got caught.

 

[taylorc]

I’ve oftened wondered why people struggle with pornography. I used to work at a video store, and when I had to go in the “adult” room to close up the videos just looked silly to me. I don’t find it appealing at all, but I guess we all have our weeknesses no one can understand. I’ll admit I LOVE Vicodin. Whenever I’ve had to take it it has made me europhic. If it were available the way pornography is I’d be a full blown addict. I just couldn’t keep myself away from the stuff. I imagine his struggle must be very difficult in our society.

 

[chevalier]

Firstly, porn is wrong and there is no denial of this.

However, porn is just one face of a bigger problem which consists in looking for either a compensational source of sexual pleasure or for some compensational form of sexual interaction, elsewhere than the marital bed and, in this case, elsewhere than normal intercourse.

This problems shows in porn, but it also shows in voyeurism, in sex games and other things.

I want to stress here that the impulse being visual, rather than aural (words) or literary (written word) does not make it more filthy than other ways in which this problem shows. Explicit romance novels produce the same sensation that porn does and they serve the same purpose. What’s more, some women look at porn and some men read questionable books. The preference is not absolute or exclusive.

I don’t want to play ping pong and turn the table around, but the answer to the question, “pornography, why do men do this?” is the same as to “explicit novels, why do women do this?” Just because it’s men here and women there or the other way round or the impulse comes through the eye and not the ear (including reading) doesn’t necessarily make it more perverted. You can make arguments one way or the other, but they will probably hang in the balance.

What is sure is obviously that explicit novels don’t involve people being forced to pose, drugged up, abused and so on. People don’t get hurt in the process of writing the novel (although the author did get the ideas from somewhere). This may have some meaning in judging what’s the greater evil and even what’s more perverted, but I don’t think a man watching porn is necessarily more perverted than a woman reading things she shouldn’t. Both genders have different sexualities and tend to regard each other’s sexuality as more perverted than their own.

 

[chevalier]

I disagree. The greatest gift you can give your spouse is your total and absolute commitment to remain married and work through problems and attempt to live your sacramental marriage to it’s fullest every day.

Not to defend sinful behavior, but I wish women could go through just one day with testosterone running through their system.

They actually do have testosterone in their system. They’re also visually stimulated. Just not as much as we are, in general. And they don’t really have a lower sex drive than we do, or at least not by as much as people think. Both genders have their struggles.

Here: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Libido

 

[PaulinVA]

Let’s be honest here. If you were to say today, “I am leaving you until you stop looking at and using porn,” are you important enough to him that he would move Heaven and Earth to find a way to stop? I mean counseling, treatment, total accountability to at least one person… or just doing it on his own cold turkey… Would he kill himself to get you back and prove to you that you come first, before his liking for porn? Because if he wouldn’t, then you are NOT the top of his list and should not marry him. Any woman should be absolutely certain she is the most important thing in the world to the man she is marrying (unless he has children already, then they should be first).

And I would tell him to run away from any relationship where the woman is already issuing ultimatums even before they are married. That kind of behavior doesn’t stop with just one ultimatum.

Paul, I have seen you say this a couple of times before. And what I wish is that men would stop assuming they have the corner on strong, persistent, acute sexual urges. Until you have been a woman on the day or two before her ovulation, with peak estrogen coursing through your system, please do not assume you know anything about living in a woman’s body. I won’t tell you I know what it feels like to be a man, because I can’t, but we can have sex drives just as strong as yours.

I don’t think I’ve actually said that before. If I have, I guess i’ll chalk it up to consistent thought, then.

I understand what your are saying. But, the woman’s “urges” change throughout her cycle. After those few acute days of fertility, your desires moderates. Your body is most interested when it’s most fertile, and less interested when it’s not fertile. The hormones ebb and flow during the month. Pretty cool, actually.

Men are washed in testosterone 24/7/365. There is no let up to catch our breath, or any natural time when we are less interested, because we are not cyclical. Managing that can be a rather full time endeavor.

It’s possible not to be a slave to testosterone, just as it’s possible to not be a slave to estrogen. I know that.

Sorry if I have been overly strong in these posts, but I’m tired of these threads. (yes, I know, i just shouldn’t post to them, then)