Possible engagement BUT noticing something

[mariam1976]

smtg???

 

[perez639]

smtg???

Simply feels like I am crazy because of this whole thing. The thing is i dont have any proof that there really is anything; only what I am feeling (gut). I do trust him, but fail to uinderstand his reasoning. He says things like, “well I want to see her again” and “its not like we hang out often.” Its just the concept of it all to me, she’s a girl and he’s a guy. I thought he and i were together. Since I have been in this relationship or any of my past I dont think that its ok to go hang out with a lot of my guy friends alone. I have them, but when I am exclusively with someone I distance myself from them completely. Most of them i know or can tell that they want to date me so I simply stay away from them even during the holidays when I am at home with the parents and away from my bf. One of which even lives across the street. With the blizzards in CO it would be so easy for me to causally watch movies at his house or my house but I dont!! Perhaps our value toward each other is different. From what i hear the majority of these types of “friend” relationships dont simply remain friends in the end.

Peace be with you all,

Regis University Student

 

[beckers]

As a girl who has tons of guy friendships. I would never be offended if a girlfriend wanted to come along. If they are in a serious relationship then she needs to hang out with us. I’ve known him longer than her so she needs to see him interactioning with me and how our relationship is. She can learn alot about him through his friends and see and understand him more just like i get to learn more about her. Plus it makes her feel more comfortable, me more comfortable in the fact that she knows i am not interested in him, plus i have tons of funny stories about him that she would probaly get a kick out off.

Seriously though i know that as my guy friends date and go get married that our relationships are not going to stay the same. AS we all get married our confidents are not going to be each other but our spouses. It is the natural flow of relationship so no one should get to upset.

With that said I do know that sometimes i need a little one on one time with my guy friends but only when i have some personal issues to dicuss but that would be over phone call or a talk over coffee or something but not a whole date. How much quality time can you spend at the movies? Can’t talk during them…

Beckers

 

[mariam1976]

If you listen to Dr. Laura, she will tell you that a friendship between a man and a woman is never strictly platonic…
There is always the underlying tension which makes it exciting instead of blah…!!!
I agree with u completely where u should stay away from situations where you are left alone with that someone-even if he is only a friend.
Even if it did remain a friendship, how would u feel about the fact that he put her in front of you as far as feelings were concerned? That was my problem with my ex. Doesnt he have any guy friends to spend his time with or is she the only one left on earth as his friend?
Take a long hard look at this guy as his priorities are not right, my dear
Always remember its supposed to be
God
Spouse
Children
Family
Friends

See how far down the priority list friends are and he obviously does not understand that!!!

 

[beckers]

Simply feels like I am crazy because of this whole thing. The thing is i dont have any proof that there really is anything; only what I am feeling (gut). I do trust him, but fail to uinderstand his reasoning. He says things like, “well I want to see her again” and “its not like we hang out often.” Its just the concept of it all to me, she’s a girl and he’s a guy. I thought he and i were together. Since I have been in this relationship or any of my past I dont think that its ok to go hang out with a lot of my guy friends alone. I have them, but when I am exclusively with someone I distance myself from them completely. Most of them i know or can tell that they want to date me so I simply stay away from them even during the holidays when I am at home with the parents and away from my bf. One of which even lives across the street. With the blizzards in CO it would be so easy for me to causally watch movies at his house or my house but I dont!! Perhaps our value toward each other is different. From what i hear the majority of these types of “friend” relationships dont simply remain friends in the end.

Peace be with you all,

Regis University Student

I think you are a lot more mature than most women your/our age (i am 26). You don’t see dating as just something to do but that dating has a purpose which is going to be marriage. You already show him the honor and respect that you would show a husband. Not a lot of women or men at your age would make the connect to stay away from temptation or from a situation that could come off looking bad and hurt someone’s feelings. If he can’t show you the same respect and honor than maybe you need to have a serious talk about what the future holds…

P.S… I don’t like these words…“well I want to see her again” …it sounds like the “I” is more important than the “we” aspect of your relationship

 

[perez639]

If they are in a serious relationship then she needs to hang out with us. I’ve known him longer than her so she needs to see him interactioning with me and how our relationship is. She can learn alot about him through his friends and see and understand him more just like i get to learn more about her. Plus it makes her feel more comfortable, me more comfortable in the fact that she knows i am not interested in him, plus i have tons of funny stories about him that she would probaly get a kick out off.
Beckers

Great points beckers!

Perhaps its because i dont know her. The whole way their relationship appears to me just weirds me out. They dont just go to coffee tho. He does not seem very keen about me going with them. I have never been invited and I notice he avoids talking to her on the phone when I am around not just sometimes but ALL the time. When she calls he just says oh I will talk to her later… Its just very strange, if there is nothing to hide then it shouldnt be a problem talking to her when I am around right?! I dunno

Peace be with you all,

Regis University Student

 

[CatholicSam]

I think God may be showing you that marriage to this guy at this point in time is not in His plan for you. If you have the slightest inkling of a doubt about marraige, *don’t do it! *

Besides, what kind of “catching up” can friends really do at the movies??? If he wants to catch up with this girl he can ask if you wouldn’t mind the two of you meeting her for lunch or something of that nature. If the girl wants to be his friend, now that he’s considering marrying you, she gets to hang out with you too because now you’re a package deal But both my husband and I believe that close friendships with opposite sex friends should end at engagement/marriage, and no new ones formed. Even if no attraction is at play, it gives plenty of opportunities for miscommunications, hurt feelings, stress, etc. to pop up into the relationship.

Oh boy, am I glad that my dating days are over

 

[jc-servant]

I really dont want this relationship to end. Its making me look like a psycho or smtg…

Peace be with you all

Regis University Student

Perhaps you should ask yourself why you are so invested in this particular relationship? You are still very young with many changes coming soon in your life and his. Is it possible that you are feeling like you are supposed to get married after college and this guy is your most likely prospect? I know that my family put some pressure on in my last year of undergrad and of law school with hints about “is there anyone special?” and similar things. I have a number of friends who rushed into marriage after college and they are all now divorced. Take time to really know who you are absent a man or your parents or college friends, etc.

Please don’t hang on tightly to this guy even if you have invested a year or so. There are other guys who will treat you like a queen with all the respect that you deserve. You may have to wait and search through some who give other people first consideration to find the one who will place you first.

I’ve had boyfriends who still had other women sniffing around and trying games once we were seriously dating. I let them know that it is not possible to be “just friends” with someone who has romantic feelings for you. It is unfair to that person and to the person with whom you actually have a relationship.

 

[mariam1976]

good catch!!! These words “…“well I want to see her again””

Soon he will be throwing words at you like you are an emotional abuser and other fancy words which is what my ex did to me… all for not allowing him to not be with those girls… which is probably what he is calling you right now or his friends are telling him about you while he cries over his drinks…

 

[mariam1976]

Great points beckers!

Perhaps its because i dont know her. The whole way their relationship appears to me just weirds me out. They dont just go to coffee tho. He does not seem very keen about me going with them. I have never been invited and I notice he avoids talking to her on the phone when I am around not just sometimes but ALL the time. When she calls he just says oh I will talk to her later… Its just very strange, if there is nothing to hide then it shouldnt be a problem talking to her when I am around right?! I dunno

Peace be with you all,

Regis University Student

this is another major warning sign… there should be absolutely no secrets between people seriously committed to each other… he should want you with him everywhere he goes especially when there are people of the opposite sex involved!!

 

[perez639]

this is another major warning sign… there should be absolutely no secrets between people seriously committed to each other… he should want you with him everywhere he goes especially when there are people of the opposite sex involved!!

Good lord, maybe I am just an extremely gullible person. His typical answer in this case consisted of him not wanting to interrupt our time together. So I thought how sweet and special he is making me feel. Only recently have I begun to really wonder…

Peace be with you all,

Regis University Student

 

[mariam1976]

Good lord, maybe I am just an extremely gullible person. His typical answer in this case consisted of him not wanting to interrupt our time together. So I thought how sweet and special he is making me feel. Only recently have I begun to really wonder…

Peace be with you all,

Regis University Student

Oh… I was just about to tell u not to fall for that line… he would still be spending time with you while you were with that girl… he seems to be a real smooth talker… at least my ex was not much of a smooth talker… he just came from a generation where he thought that so long as i was there with him he could do whatever he wishes no matter how inappropriate it was … as that was the excuse that he could give… “SHE WAS THERE”… well guess what, how can you make a scene in front of his friends?? how respectful would that be?? so you just need to get someone who would not do that to begin with so that you can always be respectful to them becos of love instead of a sense of propriety and duty…

 

[Karianne]

Great points beckers!

Perhaps its because i dont know her. The whole way their relationship appears to me just weirds me out. They dont just go to coffee tho. He does not seem very keen about me going with them. I have never been invited and I notice he avoids talking to her on the phone when I am around not just sometimes but ALL the time. When she calls he just says oh I will talk to her later… Its just very strange, if there is nothing to hide then it shouldnt be a problem talking to her when I am around right?! I dunno

Peace be with you all,

Regis University Student

At 21 you haven’t even lived yet! I had no idea that you were so young! There’s plenty of years ahead for you to think about marriage!
When it’s the right guy he will put YOU first and he won’t even care about his old girlfriends because he will want to be with you happy.

If you marry within the Catholic Church you are stuck forever with your decision. PLEASE, think about the fun you can have when you are not in school, legally of age and able to travel, work, buy the clothes and car you want and just have fun.

 

[Karianne]

Oh… I was just about to tell u not to fall for that line… he would still be spending time with you while you were with that girl… he seems to be a real smooth talker… at least my ex was not much of a smooth talker… he just came from a generation where he thought that so long as i was there with him he could do whatever he wishes no matter how inappropriate it was … as that was the excuse that he could give… “SHE WAS THERE”… well guess what, how can you make a scene in front of his friends?? how respectful would that be?? so you just need to get someone who would not do that to begin with so that you can always be respectful to them becos of love instead of a sense of propriety and duty…

In all the good relationships that I have seen the guy is exactly like that, Mariam, because he loves the woman, he is respectful of her. It’s not out of a sense of duty, it’s that he cherishes her and doesn’t want her to be unhappy at all, much less unhappy because of something he did.
Too bad that none of the nice men on this site have checked in here, I would love to hear their opinions.

 

[Karianne]

Talk about de ja vu!! At this moment he is upset that I am upset and has been consulting all of his close buds.I think they are all gonna get drunk and party tonight because of it. Talk about hurtful. i dont understand men. I dont even know how all this blew up. Maybe I should just stay away from men my age and look into older men (I am almost 21 and he is 22), but I really dont want this relationship to end. Its making me look like a psycho or smtg…

Peace be with you all

Regis University Student

I know that it hurts to let go, but there is a guy out there for you who will respect you and your feelings. I know that the ‘outlaws’ are always the most appealing, esp to good girls like yourself, but they almost always end up being a poor choice.
You have plenty of time for marriage. Older men are not the answer, just try developing as a person on your own, without strings.
What does smtg mean?

 

[perez639]

In all the good relationships that I have seen the guy is exactly like that, Mariam, because he loves the woman, he is respectful of her. It’s not out of a sense of duty, it’s that he cherishes her and doesn’t want her to be unhappy at all, much less unhappy because of something he did.
Too bad that none of the nice men on this site have checked in here, I would love to hear their opinions.

Yes I am young and a wishful thinker I suppose on how I would like for things to turn out. I just dont like the whole dating scene.Sometimes i wish that I lived in the 50s. I swear I have a different way of thinking that people my age these days. Perhaps he is not the “one” for me but I am afraid to make myself really know that and act on that by leaving this relationship. I really appreciate every person’s (name removed by moderator)ut and look forwrd to hearing more perspectives and advice, and I agree Karianne we need some guys opinions!! I dont understand how they think sometimes…

Peace be with you all,

Regis University Student

 

[perez639]

I know that it hurts to let go, but there is a guy out there for you who will respect you and your feelings. I know that the ‘outlaws’ are always the most appealing, esp to good girls like yourself, but they almost always end up being a poor choice.
You have plenty of time for marriage. Older men are not the answer, just try developing as a person on your own, without strings.
What does smtg mean?

By saying smtg I was jus adding to how I thought I was crazy with how I was responding to the events I had made all to this forum aware of. Like my being upset about this one girl my bf hangs out. I first came in here thinking I was doing smtg wrong or over-reacting in some way

Peace be with you all,

Regis University Student

 

[mariam1976]

my dear girl!!! i was of the exact same opinion when i first started out and everyone told me otherwise… i was however so much in love with my husband at that time that i refused to listen to anyone even my elder brother and my parents as i just thought that they were telling me this to make me feel good… but now i am slowly realising that they and everyone else on this forum is actually right!!!
and the good ones think the correct way while the bad ones try to make you think that u r the one who is wrong!!!

believe me as i have just now come out of just such a marriage and it is still very painful… so choose well…

now i believe that it is better to be single and at peace with God than to be in that kind of a relationship and i hope u will come to that same conclusion.

even though u seem to think different than the other girls of your age, you are now at the right place where everyone seems to be thinking different too… in this forum.

Believe me, hold out for that one person who will place first only after God and you will live the rest of your life in love and peace

 

[hasikelee]

Check out www.marriagebuilders.com.

Even before tackling the issue of hanging out with the opposite sex, he has apparently made several other major blunders.

You have tried to let him know about your feelings and worries. He ignores them.

He is not being open and honest about what’s going on.

He is not prioritizing you at the top of his list, right under God.

He is not caring for the relationship, as going out with a single girl can sully the reputation of both of you and get tongues wagging.

It sounds like this other girl is more important than you. I would back out of there really fast if I were in your position. A man who cannot be faithful in such an early stage of the relationship will only be a cheating husband, or at best a lying one. Smooth talking players rarely change and their attitude colors the entire marriage.

I noticed a few comments about your age, but a man can act that way at age 12 or 32. If you are prepared for marriage and feel called to motherhood, set your standards high and pray for a good candidate. Your age shouldn’t be a problem.

I am in your age bracket and have been engaged for almost 2 years now. My fiancee is faithful. We have friends and we go to parties, but we do not go out alone. If there is a special friend in my life, he or she better like my fiancee! There is absolutely no reason in the world a good friend should refuse to enjoy spending time with you and with your soon to be hubby, or the other way around.

 

[nurseryworker]

Perez,

I ended an engagement to a man and we managed to stay friends afterwards. I enjoyed his company and we would ‘hang out’ on a regular basis…no funny stuff, strictly public activities. He began dating a woman who has since become his wife. I was very open to having her coming along and having it be the 3 of us. She wasn’t open to that at all and didn’t want to get to know me at all. When they became engaged he called me tearfully to tell me he wouldn’t be able to call me or see me because his fiancee didn’t want him to have contact with me. I told him that was ok and I wished him well in his marriage. Honestly, I was really hurt but at the same time I knew that he was doing the right thing by putting his future wife first. The last thing I wanted was to be a source of friction in someone’s marriage.

I would consider this a red flag on both sides. His, because he is secretive about his activities with her. Hers, because she is acting like an interested woman. Had they always extended an invitation to you to join them or if he spoke to her freely in front of you then I might think everything is on the up and up with the 2 of them. I would be concerned about his attachment to her.

All the best