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Rau
Guest
What do you have in mind saying?
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Irishmom2
Guest
Well, I didn’t understand what you need courage to say either.
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bumby
Guest
Sorry. I haven’t asked him to go to counselling…I think I’m just going to tell him I’m going by myself and I’d like him to join me.Well, I didn’t understand what you need courage to say either.
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Irishmom2
Guest
I just reread all of your posts in this thread. No where did I read that you told your husband how this makes you feel. I did not read what he said in response to what you told him you need and desire. I read that he doesn’t think there is a problem because he is okay with the infrequency of relations. I read that it isn’t a big deal to him.
Are you afraid to tell him that what is happening isn’t often enough for you?
Or are you afraid to tell him you want to go to counseling? You said he is a pleasant, happy guy…why would he be so unapproachable?
Are you afraid to tell him that what is happening isn’t often enough for you?
Or are you afraid to tell him you want to go to counseling? You said he is a pleasant, happy guy…why would he be so unapproachable?
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Irishmom2
Guest
Why would you do that though? The problem is not just yours. The problem is with your marital relationship. Nothing can be solved if he is not participating or won’t admit there is a problem.
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Lost_Sheep
Guest
Bumby, I have the same problem but from the other side. My wife is absolutely uninterested in sex. We’ve been married 30+ years and even from the beginning our love life was never much to write home about. That probably explains why we never had kids.
She just has no interest, and on those rare occasions when we have made love, she always insisted on putting “restrictions” on what we would and would not do.
But back to your thread. I don’t want to hijack it.
She just has no interest, and on those rare occasions when we have made love, she always insisted on putting “restrictions” on what we would and would not do.
But back to your thread. I don’t want to hijack it.
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bumby
Guest
I’m so sorry. I feel so much for you. It is devastatingly sad that things like this happen within a marriage (obviously abuse is worse but a sexual relationship is important).Bumby, I have the same problem but from the other side. My wife is absolutely uninterested in sex. We’ve been married 30+ years and even from the beginning our love life was never much to write home about. That probably explains why we never had kids.
She just has no interest, and on those rare occasions when we have made love, she always insisted on putting “restrictions” on what we would and would not do.
But back to your thread. I don’t want to hijack it.
Praying for you.
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bumby
Guest
To be honest I am scared he will refuse. Then what will I do?
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Rau
Guest
This was my reaction earlier too. Such a significant issue between the two of them, and there is no evidence the OP has had a serious, deep and meaningful conversation with her husband.
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Irishmom2
Guest
bumby, he is already refusing you though. If he refuses to go, then go by yourself. But don’t say you are going does he want to go too. That makes him think it’s you and he doesn’t need to go, and gives him an out.
You need to be clear that this problem involves both of you and that for the sake of your marriage, you both need counseling.
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Anglewannabe
Guest
huh??? It sounds like you asked ‘Hubby are you OK with having sex only 3 times per year’ That is NOT the question to ask.
The thing to do is tell him frankly ‘It hurts that we don’t have regular sex. Can we please be more intimate more often’ and see what he says to that.
I am in agreement with the others that it appears you have NEVER told him how you feel. Mind you I am also in agreement with others it is odd that a man in his 30s would not initiate it more often.
My first thought wasn’t he has SSA, my first though was he has a mistress. I am not saying this to hurt you, but I do think you really need to change your approach
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DebFar
Guest
Hi,
I found this because I am in the same situation and my marriage is no longer a marriage because of it.
Please, please get counseling now! Try to communicate your needs and either fix or understand his reasons as soon as possible before it is too late.
I have been married for over 20 years and we are in our early 50’s. We had a glorious sex life until 6 years ago. I was afraid to ask him what had happened and blamed myself. This has led to much resentment, depression and downright dislike.
We have tried and I continue marriage counseling but there is so much hurt and distrust that I don’t know what our outcome will be.
So please get help soon. Once that intimacy is gone- everything else breaks down. I am praying for you as I would never want another wife to go through the loneliness and rejection I have felt.
God Bless you and your husband.
Deb
I found this because I am in the same situation and my marriage is no longer a marriage because of it.
Please, please get counseling now! Try to communicate your needs and either fix or understand his reasons as soon as possible before it is too late.
I have been married for over 20 years and we are in our early 50’s. We had a glorious sex life until 6 years ago. I was afraid to ask him what had happened and blamed myself. This has led to much resentment, depression and downright dislike.
We have tried and I continue marriage counseling but there is so much hurt and distrust that I don’t know what our outcome will be.
So please get help soon. Once that intimacy is gone- everything else breaks down. I am praying for you as I would never want another wife to go through the loneliness and rejection I have felt.
God Bless you and your husband.
Deb
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Rau
Guest
Are you still completely in the dark as to why the sudden change?
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prayers19
Guest
I’m also living in sexless marriage. We’ve gone to counseling. We’ve gone to our priest. He just doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. He had an affair years ago, I believe his inability to have sex with me Is because he is still in love with her. Even though we are no longer living anywhere near her I believe he just hasn’t let go. She broke up with him. Otherwise the affair would have continued. I stayed believing he would commit to us. He has gone to Doctor, no issue per him. So t this point it been five year in sexless life. I’m ready to go on my own.
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DebFar
Guest
I feel for you! I am also ready to go on alone. I don’t want to divorce but I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life like this. I know that God does not want me to tear my family apart. I keep praying and trying to be meek and humble but it’s just so hard sometimes. I continue to see myself as being selfish as I cry myself to sleep.
That’s why it it so important to seek help right from the beginning. Here is a perfect example from two wives as to what the outcome could be.
Prayers to you!
Deb
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prayers19
Guest
Thanks Deb. This has been so horrible for me. I am so depressed at times I just don’t want to go on like this. I start praying to Mary for help. I just don’t see the purpos of even continuing with this lie. I can’t believe God wants me to liv like this. I pray and pray and I just don’t know what to do. Th only thing stopping me from ending it all is tat I am a faithful Catholic. But this overwhelming feeling is starting to take such a hold on me.
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Rau
Guest
Are you *both *attending marriage counselling?
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1inICXC
Guest
Dear sisters, this is one hard cross to bear but aside from all the great suggestions already given, I had a thought, esp for the OP whose marriage isn’t completely sexless. Would you consider proposing a Josephite marriage to your spouse? I’m saying this because sometimes, making things official it makes it easier to accept, the hope that things might change one day can honestly cause much more frustration than accepting that they won’t. Also, who knows, perhaps the idea that even if they wanted it, they could no longer have it might change their minds about the importance of sex.
While I agree that sexual intimacy is indispensable in marriage and it’s not exactly something we can opt out of on whim, (nor is a Josephite marriage something to be taken lightly), the ultimate goal is to get to heaven. If sex, or the lack thereof, is leading you to depression and divorce this may be an option to consider. I know, personally, it would kill me to wait around, hoping, for months or years on end and as hard as it may be, it would be much easier for me to keep my sanity knowing that it is something we gave up together, take the pressure and the tension off (the disappointment would still be there, probably) and embrace the cross and move forward.
I don’t know If this answer is theologically sound, If it’s not I absolutely accept correction.
For more on Josephite marriage: catholicexchange.com/a-meditation-on-‘josephite’-marriage
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