Prayer Needed for Marriage

[iluvmybabies]

Oh JC I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through!!! :hug1: Please dear do not lose hope! Look at you, you are super mom! Check you out!! I wished I could be that great!! Let me tell you! You work, raise children and keep up a home! NOW hon that is wonderful that you are able to do that!! Don’t feel bad at all! Yes I understand hubby is right now a bit, un-able to realize what he is doing is affecting you negatively… I am sorry to hear about that! This is what I would do… If hubby doesn’t want to be in charge of dishes, or help with anything else at all start with small things- example: When my exhusband which most of you know was of no avail, lol, didn’t want to give me money to pay bills, or buy food or anything like that esp not helping around the house, I would take money from him…yes stealing but it was for our bills and it was for an even better thing…I would buy all things at the DOLLAR Store paper cups, plates, bowls, plastic forks, spoons knives etc…This made things a whole lot easier!!! A whole lot easier… When he would notice money would be missing- he would ask me what would happen- I would tell him “I am glad you are eating well in your plates and drinking well in the disposable cups and plates!!” He would be like “oh that’s why you haven’t bothered me about washing dishes?!” Then he would leave me alone about it…

Things like this save you a lot of trouble…Yes with children and trying to make ends meet it may be difficult, but even 5 dollars buys you what you need to use for a whole week! Just about!! Since we’ve moved into the new house and the kids don’t want responsibilities, I save 5 bucks every week to buy me 50 bowls, 50 plates, 20 cups, and a set of utensils to eat they last me all week long and the kids are not fussing and I am not over working myself with after work cleaning up house, helping kids with homework, feeding them, spending time with them, spending time with fiance, -fiance helps me with house things that need to be done, often-several months ago this wasn’t happening and I came on the thread and asked for advise on it, even though it was because he was in a deep deep depression over his car accident and job loss but thank GOD he’s out of it now, THANK GOD! lol- and let me tell you it saves me time, stress, and energy and I don’t need to take a nap every day!! hehehe…Before I was drained, 3 kids running back and forth, they were in Taekwondo classed but then my hours got cut down so then the income wasn’t there, I am trying to budget myself to see if maybe next month before child support gets reduced I can get them back in and at least give them a few months of enjoyment again! But it was a mad house…Now with the disposable stuff it has made things a little easier…Not a whole lot but one less thing to worry about…

I have my good plates for special moments of family and stuff, but even with that everyone knows they have to pitch in and even though they complain they still do it!! LOL

So since you have tiny tots they have disposable baby cups and bowls as well just need to shop around for them…I would get them for my last child when he was a tiny tot saved again a lot of time and energy when it was necessary!!!

Do not stop praying, just hold your head up high and keep on praying hon! And even though it seems difficult right now just start with the disposable stuff and that will make dish time less time for you! And that’s one less stress in your life!!! Doesn’t seem like much but it will help believe me! I try to make things easier for me because I get overwhelmed easily! I used to be mom, wife, student, housewife, etc lol…And did everything by myself while husband used the excuse -my job is physical!!- and I would be like ok and raising kids is not eh??? So anyhow, just start with that and once that is taken care of then you will have a few more moments of breathing time… And then you will be able to think a little better and less stressed about so many responsibilities…

Another thing…a friend of mine told me this: “honey I know that it might be great to have a house spick and span but if you spend all your time worrying about what people might say or think because you have a toy here, a cloth there, a baby bottle here or there, before you realize your kids are getting married and you will be old and unhappy because you don’t even remember what your babie’s gurgules sounded like, believe me I am 58 years old and I regret every moment I spend trying to make everyone else happy and missing out on my kids because I had to have my house clean all the time!”

She told me this when I told her how hard it was for me to get my kids to help me keep the house up!!! Now that I am a single mom… And my kids are almost teens… She told me to take a breather, and take it slow…To clean whatever I could without really pushing it on the kids, to help them realize the responisbilities they must have so that when they get older and become adults they will keep to it, but without over doing it…If there are toys here and there, she said wait till the weekend, and together as a family with more patience clean up the house…If it’s too much then do things little by little…eventually they will be grown up and not have toys anymore and soon will be out in their own lives…And then she said I’d be missing seeing toys all around… So I am trying to make sure my children have responsibilities- even though my daughter is really hard headed- but I am still working hard with my kids and hope to GOD they will grow up to be good Christians…and take care of their responsibilities…

So again, take it slow, and start with little things, like the paper plates…And if possible just do one or 2 loads of clothes at a time, each day…take it slow…don’t push yourself and believe me things will be a little smoother for ya! If anything wait till the weekend and even get your tiny tots involved, you could sit on the couch and have the little one get the toys for you and you put them in a bucket, or even the garbage while you sit and the tiny tot gets some exercise! They’ll be ready for nap time soon and you will then get a nice long nap break as well!!!

God bless, don’t lose hope hon, and don’t stop praying! Good luck, hopefully soon things will get better…Keep in touch!!!

 

[JLCecilia]

Thank you for the words of encouragement and advice. I have always been a very tidy person (I explicity remember making my bed when I was just 3 and it wasn’t something I was asked or told to do). It is just my nature that it is very hard to calm down and relax amidst a mess, but I have to stop and remind myself - why do I bother? It isn’t like BH&G is going to be here this afternoon to do a photo shoot! We NEVER have company over, so nobody’s gonna see this mess anyway!

On one of my days off recently, I had to force myself to lay down and take my nap FIRST, BEFORE I tackled anything else, and you know what? I didn’t get done half of the things I wanted to, and it was okay. I was rested and relaxed and none of that stuff really mattered near as much. I need to do more of this! And it isn’t like if/when we’re expecting company, we can’t get the house whipped into shape in no time flat. DH is particularly helpful when he knows people are coming over b/c he’s probably more embarrassed by our mess than me. Sometimes I even take a little pride in our mess, the toys and such, just b/c of what it means (precious little babes enjoying their childhood and home).

Nothing like pregnancy and my body’s demands to make me slow down!

 

[matris_domi]

I’m sorry, but it sounds to me like you married children. Why would you want to have a life partner that you constantly have to mother like that? When and where do you get your support? Who pinch hits for you when you are unable? I don’t know what advice to give you, because you already picked your men and are bound to that choice. It’s going to be very hard to get them to change so many years in, because you accepted them as is for so long. They may even feel cheated and lied to, because by marrying them in their immature state, you told them that that is OK and what you wanted. Now, years in, you want them to change. You are frustrated, unhappy, and probably complain and get punitive, and he’s sitting there thinking, “What happened? She told me this was OK before…”

Did you think it was normal for women to have to treat their husbands like children? Because I can assure you, it’s not…

You very well may need to resort to marriage counseling to try and get the message across that now you want and need a grownup man, when before it was OK if he wasn’t. Don’t expect that to go over well… acceptance is a very emotional issue, all tied up in identity and self-worth. If it ever happens, it’s going to come after a long, painful struggle.

 

[kage_ar]

Another thought - I also find it helpful to give DH forced choices like would you rather give the kids a bath or clean the kitchen? Pick the kids up from daycare or make dinner? I try to include something I know he will do. This is helpful in two ways, one makes him realize there are multiple things that need doing and two I am doing my part in that I will do whatever it is he chooses not to do. I also try to make it clear there is no option C. It is A or B.

Honestly, I need to remember to do this more, as this actually works well most of the time. I will get an occasional I don’t have time for XYZ or I need to mow grass. I try to be reasonable although there are occasions when I lose my cool. I will be honest the recurring arguments in our marriage are generally over who does what. For example, it is rare we when we might argue over money issues which I know can be a trial for some marriages.

Anyways, continued prayers go out to you.

Yikes!

I am my husband’s wife, not his mother. This sounds very much like a mother/child relationship.

retrouvaille.org/ may help.

 

[JLCecilia]

I’m sorry, but it sounds to me like you married children. Why would you want to have a life partner that you constantly have to mother like that? When and where do you get your support? Who pinch hits for you when you are unable? I don’t know what advice to give you, because you already picked your men and are bound to that choice. It’s going to be very hard to get them to change so many years in, because you accepted them as is for so long. They may even feel cheated and lied to, because by marrying them in their immature state, you told them that that is OK and what you wanted. Now, years in, you want them to change. You are frustrated, unhappy, and probably complain and get punitive, and he’s sitting there thinking, “What happened? She told me this was OK before…”

Did you think it was normal for women to have to treat their husbands like children? Because I can assure you, it’s not…

You very well may need to resort to marriage counseling to try and get the message across that now you want and need a grownup man, when before it was OK if he wasn’t. Don’t expect that to go over well… acceptance is a very emotional issue, all tied up in identity and self-worth. If it ever happens, it’s going to come after a long, painful struggle.

Do you think you have struck upon some brilliant insight that has not occurred to any of us going through this? In other words, don’t you think we know full well now that our current marital struggles are a consequence of poor choices and discernment as a young couple? So many of us are not blessed with parents or positive-influence adults who teach us how to discern a suitable partner for marriage and we are left to figure it out on our own.

You also underestimate the power of the cross and suffering. Is it not entirely possible that God allows us to suffer as a means to draw us closer to Him? Is it not possible that if it weren’t for me my DH might never come to know Him or the faith? I will never forget when we were still just engaged, his mother came by after work and had me sit in the car for a brief conversation. She was in tears thanking me that of her 3 sons, my DH was the only one going to church and the only one with any one to encourage and direct him to a life of faith. If it weren’t for my marital struggles, I might never grow as a person. I might become overly confident in myself and even lazy. My marriage allows me daily, hourly opportunities to grow in charity and patience - an accomplishment that will take the rest of my life and yet I may never attain it this side of heaven.

So often it is all too easy to resent the cross, but I don’t believe it’s all for nothing. God infuses our suffering with redemptive value. Your rebuke comes across arrogant and insensitive. Nothing like kicking someone when they’re already down.

 

[ChosenAndCalled]

I’m sorry, but it sounds to me like you married children. Why would you want to have a life partner that you constantly have to mother like that? When and where do you get your support? Who pinch hits for you when you are unable? I don’t know what advice to give you, because you already picked your men and are bound to that choice. It’s going to be very hard to get them to change so many years in, because you accepted them as is for so long. They may even feel cheated and lied to, because by marrying them in their immature state, you told them that that is OK and what you wanted. Now, years in, you want them to change. You are frustrated, unhappy, and probably complain and get punitive, and he’s sitting there thinking, “What happened? She told me this was OK before…”

Did you think it was normal for women to have to treat their husbands like children? Because I can assure you, it’s not…

You very well may need to resort to marriage counseling to try and get the message across that now you want and need a grownup man, when before it was OK if he wasn’t. Don’t expect that to go over well… acceptance is a very emotional issue, all tied up in identity and self-worth. If it ever happens, it’s going to come after a long, painful struggle.

I am puzzled by your responses. you’re pretty new and all of your posts seem to be quite mean, condescending, unkind or otherwise just harsh. Is this your nature or are you just having a bad few days?

 

[alphabet]

Yikes!

I am my husband’s wife, not his mother. This sounds very much like a mother/child relationship.

retrouvaille.org/ may help.

Okay maybe this came off worse than what I intended. I could see where you might that idea. I guess my husband has even told me in the past direct communication works better for him. To simply ask him for help gets us nowhere. But a specific would you rather give the kids a bath or clean up the kitchen works well most of the time and we are now working in partnership rather than me telling him what to do. All spouses need to divide household responsibilities one way or another. This is a way that works for us.

 

[JRPO]

This comes from a working full time single dad

tell him to get his act together or come on this forum and i’ll have a few choice words to say to him.

If he loves you dearly he will help and he needs to think about that a bit more.

Hes got to get off his lazy fat butt and help

keep trying though and don’t give up

 

[JLCecilia]

Well, yet another eventful weekend . . .our 3yo was the ringbearer in DH’s cousin’s wedding, so I had a long day keeping up w/ the little ones from 2pm till 10 that evening and the kids and I missed our afternoon nap.

They had an open bar, so of course DH got loosened up pretty quick. He is just a very social creature and we don’t get together w/ family and friends but every few months or so, but I felt very lonesome keeping up w/ the little ones all on my own while DH socialized. He is also not a very affectionate person anyway and this is a very strong need of mine, so it was especially hurtful to see him even talk to or look at the other young girls there (esp being 7mo PG). I made a point several times throughout the day to tell him how nice he looked b/c he’s been acting self conscious about his appearance lately, but he never caught on to reciprocate the compliment.

I kept waiting for DH to say ‘ok let’s go home,’ but instead what I got was an invitation to go on home with the kids and he’d get a ride home w/ his brother and SIL. I was so hurt, I felt like I was being ditched. Even if I wasn’t chasing after little ones and very pregnant, I just don’t like dancing and gyrating all over and drinking, especially in front of family. I just felt like the kids and I were cramping his style and he needed the license to cut loose without feeling like he was neglecting us.

I was just glad the he didn’t require me physically when he came home after midnight, I was so hurt and I knew he’d overdone it and would not be helping me out w/ the kids at mass AGAIN and it was the last thing I wanted to do to give myself to him. He came to bed w/out shutting the t.v. off and it was a good thing I got up to shut it off b/c I smelled burning and discovered he’d left the stovetop on from making ramen noodles and burned up one of my pots. Needless to say he was very hung over yesterday and absolutely no help. He is still in bed this morning. Don’t know what this week will be like.

Just have feelings of distrust too that perhaps he was dancing and gyrating around w/ other girls after I left. Truthfully, we used to do stupid stuff like this when we were younger and we’d go to the bars and even then I’d dance w/ DH (before we were married), but I’ve since grown out of that stuff.

Part of me feels like he got what he deserved being sick and all, but there’s still residual pain from feeling like I don’t belong anywhere, even in my own marriage. Even if we talk it through and he acknowledges my feelings, I know it will happen again, so I have a hard time really ever having peace about this.

 

[Angels_Unaware]

You have it tough with your husband, Ceclilia. You deserve more respect and consideration for your needs, both around the house and when out of the house. I thought from your original post your husband must be in his early to mid-twenties from the self-centered and childish behavior. If he isn’t, then it sounds like he may have a maturity problem. If you are not in counseling, you should try, at the very least for yourself if he won’t go with you. You are getting ready to add even more stress to your life, and you’re already having a hard time managing everything and getting into arguments with your husband. You need someone to emotionally support you.

 

[PeterMuz]

Hey Cecilia,

I am still praying for you and you family. Keep offering it up to God. He will bless you in so many ways. I know sometimes we wish he would bless us NOW, but sometimes we need to wait. And you are right, you never know what good God has planned to come from this situation. Keep praying for your husband, St Monica prayed for her husband for something like 20 or 30 years.

But your husband needs to start acting like a husband and father now. Not next week or two years from now. He needs to realize how he is making you feel when he sent you home or stays up watching movies when you go to sleep. He also needs to set a good example for his kids. Drinking too much is not a good example. I hope that you can tell him how you feel. I will pray for the two of you today.

I know at times I have not always given my new wife the words of affirmation she needs. She is a much more expressive person than I am. I don’t know if you have ever read a book on the Five Love Languages. If not, maybe this would be a good way to try to get your husband to see what you need, and in effect what he is not giving you. You should read the book and tell him things you find that are interesting. Ask him if he knows his love language, tell him yours and see if you can get him interested enough to read it.

You sound like a really good mother, who truly loves her family and God. Don’t ever give up hope. God has a special plan for you.

Here is a link to the book, The Five Love Languages.
amazon.com/Five-Love-Languages-Heartfelt-Commitment/dp/1881273156

 

[NicoleCook]

Im not really sure what to say hunny.
My first marriage was very very similar to your except it also had some physical abuse. I was also pregant and things only seemed to get worse. I will not judge you on continuting to have children w this man, as I did , also. But I will say from my own experience that having you always clean up his messes allows him to have a family with “no strings attatched” I would really talk to a priest about this. I would hate to see you live like this for the next 10 years or so. Being Catholic doesn’t mean you need to put up with this. This is emotional abuse. He is taking advantage of you and your unconditional love. I will continue praying for you, but I really think it in your best interest to speak to a piest and pray to the Holy Family for guidance. God Bless

In CHrist,
Nicole

 

[JLCecilia]

Need some more prayers. A month to the day that I started this thread, I have asked DH to go stay w/ his folks. Feeling like a jerk b/c it was done out of anger and without prayerful discernment, but I think at this point I’m beyond that. It’s not just one thing, it’s the same nonsense that’s been recurring for how many years of marriage now?

I posted earlier this week about DH’s stay with his friends out of town this weekend - he smoked pot while he was there and his schedule has been off all week. He’s started feeling better so I finally asked him last night when he got home to please help me get caught up on the dishes. He gives me the sigh and ‘I’ll do them before I go to bed’ routine. I thought for sure given the total **** he pulled this weekend that he’d actually keep to his ‘word,’ but sure enough (almost verbatum from the opening lines of my original post) when I got up in the middle of the night for a potty break, I looked and he hadn’t touched the dishes. I actually woke him up to gripe, which I never do, but I’m tired of this nonsense. I’m angered that he gives first priorites to getting caught up on watching his DVR’d shows, but doesn’t give me a break w/ any sort of help around the house. Yes, I said DVR’d and I mentioned to him that he can watch them anytime, but nope!

Forget about the fact that he ignored my crying when I came home from bible study. I am prepared at this point to quit and ask them to find another small group facilitator. Each week as the conversations get going, I feel more and more isolated and alone. None of the other women in the group are in a mixed marriage like I am, so we are not able to relate to one another and the heartache is just about unbearable. I can be lonely at home, I don’t need an audience and I certainly don’t need to feel left out of fulfilling fellowship ocurring right in front of me.

I told DH that I don’t know how long he needs to stay w/ his folks but that reconciliation will not occur without meeting with our parish priest. I even suggested that I won’t talk about this further until he meets with Fr. himself to fess up - it’s not my job or my place to confess DH’s sins in order to get the direction I need.

Just sucks I am 4 weeks away from delivering and the past 2 weekends that my parents have visited have been so aweful that I do not even want my mom to come and help when the baby comes - I feel like I have to babysit her and I just don’t need one more thing or one more person to take care of. We’re supposed to have family pics this weekend, but it looks like it’s just going to be me and the boys. Next weekend was supposed to be our weekend away together to go Christmas shopping, who knows how things will go. I told DH that as ****** as it sounds, since all of the Christmas shopping is for HIS side of the family I still expect him to help with the shopping, and if we don’t do it this coming weekend, it may not get done with as close as I am to my due date.

Another issue of contention is that the entire weight of making adjustments for additional child care and our family budget falls on my shoulders. I explained that in just about any other marriage/home/situation, the natural response to a predicament such as ours would be for the MAN to pick up the slack, not for mom to keep rearranging her life while DH continues to sleep in everyday and wallow in self-pity for weeks and months on end. I feel sorry for DH, I know that our family life is way more challenging than either of us was prepared for and that the adjustment is exponentially more difficult for him, but at some point you have to stop whining about how hard life is and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!

Yeesh!

 

[cymonk]

Hi again,

I don’t know exactly how to resond to your last post. It sounds like you are very frustrated…and that is likely a good thing in this case. Getting someone to break their selfishness and turn that into concern for others requires it at times.

I did want to respond to let you know my prayers are with you. Hang in there, and make sure to keep God in the fore front…Always!

Cymonk

 

[Soutane]

My son and I will pray the Rosary for you and your husband tonight.

 

[JLCecilia]

Praying that DH will go and visit with our parish priest tomorrow and return to the sacraments this weekend and then maybe we can visit with him together sometime next week. DH softened up knowing he’s in the wrong and attempting to make up for it, rented some movies for us and the kids. He watched one with the boys while I got out to do some shopping by myself and then we stayed up late together to watch the other.

Even though I told him that I don’t want to talk about things until he meets with our priest, he told me that he opened up to his one brother whom he trusts that I wanted him to leave. He said he almost started crying when he told him. When he said that he’d be going to stay with his parents, his brother offered for him to come stay with him and his wife in town. In retrospect, I actually trust his brother over his parents b/c we don’t everyone knowing our business and I think we can keep our confidence in his brother and his wife over DH’s parents. I feel for DH, I think this whole thing will be really humiliating for him in front of his family, and as much as my heart softened for him when he told me all of this, I still think he needs to go and have some time away for reflection. I’m not sure that he’d quite get the alone-ness and quiet reflection at his brother’s that he would at his folks, he may just have some fellowship with his brother - but maybe this will be good for him too. I trust this one brother (although not being Catholic himself), I trust him and his wife’s advice and our very delicate circumstances with DH and me.

DH and I were both able to just be softened towards one another and show our affection, but we still need to take some real action towards true reconciliation. Hoping he will take these very difficult first few steps with me in that direction.

 

[JLCecilia]

In a hard spot now. DH’s brother after he opened up to him suggested we go on a double date so I could have some grown-up time. So we dropped the kids off w/ GM and GP and went for a movie and dinner. It was nice to get away and even yesterday DH let me get in a nap and do some running around, but I still hold to my feelings I professed to him last week that he needs to get lost for awhile. Although, now that DH’s brother paid for the entire evening and drove and all of that, I feel indebted to him and that it would be unfair now for DH to go stay with him. BIL has even suggested another date Thanksgiving weekend.

Yes, maybe DH and I need to get out together more, but a date just doesn’t make up for not getting the help I need on a daily basis, and a date doesn’t guarantee a change in this pattern. I feel bad even saying anything b/c I don’t want to be ungrateful, but my heart longs for more and I just feel like maybe this was a distraction tactic or something, but I have not lost sight of our troubles. DH has not even brought up the topic of our current rift, part of me is afraid he thinks that this weekend took care of it all. I left him a note this morning to let him know that my feelings haven’t changed from last week, but when he called this morning he didn’t act like it was of any consequence.

I finally was able to make it to confession, it has been probably a couple weeks since I’ve been able to take Communion and it’s killing me! Really hope DH will open up and start talking and telling me just what we’re going to do about all of this. It breaks my heart that when things get tough, we’re drawn apart rather than together in strength. Feel very strongly that this is the devil’s divide and conquer tactic.

Please keep praying for resolve in our marriage.

 

[cymonk]

DH has not even brought up the topic of our current rift, part of me is afraid he thinks that this weekend took care of it all. I left him a note this morning to let him know that my feelings haven’t changed from last week, but when he called this morning he didn’t act like it was of any consequence.

Didn’t you say in your last post that you did not want to speak to him until he spoke with your priest? Is he just doing as you requested?

It breaks my heart that when things get tough, we’re drawn apart rather than together in strength. Feel very strongly that this is the devil’s divide and conquer tactic.

Unfortunately, this is the nature of conflicts… they push you apart. Rely on God for strength. Stay focused on God and the good of your spouse as well as your own needs and ultimately you will be closer together at the end.

Please keep praying for resolve in our marriage.

You bet!

 

[JLCecilia]

Didn’t you say in your last post that you did not want to speak to him until he spoke with your priest? Is he just doing as you requested?

Yes, I had thought of that myself, but no, I guess what I really meant is that I didn’t want to talk to him AT ALL until he met w/ Fr. I hate how he seems to have just swept this whole thing under the rug and just wants to act like nothing ever happened!

New episode: last night he brought a movie home that was supposed to be a comedy. Turns out there was female nudity and excessive profanity within the first 5 minutes. After about 15-20 minutes, I finally just asked him to turn it off and finish it after I was in bed and we could just watch our DVR’d shows for the night. He kept apologizing (sincerely) that he didn’t realize it was going to be so bad, he just thought it was going to be a comedy maybe w/ adult themes, but not the graphics.

I thought about it some more and decided to ask him just to not finish the movie at all. I can’t believe he gave me the heaving sigh and wanted to argue about the content. I said if there’s that much nudity in that little amout of time, it’s only going to get worse. He said that stuff didn’t bother him, he just wanted to get to the funny stuff. I said that maybe HE didn’t think anything of it, but it bothered ME. He huffed and said fine.

Just that he wanted to fight me on it broke my heart and I nearly cried. As tired as I was, I actually could not fall asleep, getting up and peaking up on him to make sure he hadn’t gone back and put the movie on. Just to be safe, this morning I took it with me to return since he didn’t get up before the kids and I left. I had a hunch that he might be tempted to finish the movie before going in to work. Yes, as ridiculous as that sounds, he would go into work literally hours late just to have the place to himself and watch t.v. - he was on a hulu kick for some time on the computer.

It’s nearly 3 in the afternoon and he’s still in bed, not feeling well, missing a co-worker’s funeral. Just tired of the inconsistency. Just out of spite I’d like to cancel his gym membership that’s coming out of my paycheck. Just really want him to get out of the house, just tired of dealing with all of this - wish he’d go to the dr and just get himself straightened out. Wish he could be someone else’s problem for awhile b/c honestly this is all I see him as right now.

I hate to be this way that I’d ever be able to look at my husband as something that could just be discarded so easily when it quits serving me rather than as a human being to be valued. Just cannot wrap my head around how to balance my attitude towards him when he’s so inconsistent and unreliable. How can I balance compassion for him where he may have legitimate need but at the same time really just needs to grow up?

 

[cymonk]

As far as the nudity thing goes…it doesn’t bother most guys who aren’t deep in their spiritual life. The change of heart with that came for me with Christopher West and Theology of the Body. Very good movie for him to watch would be “Straight talk for Men” by Christopher West. It may help with this other stuff too if he is receptive to it.

As far as the trials you are going through…sometimes there is a point where you reach that inside you could discard the marriage in a heart beat. Especially when you have two people that are not equally yoked. Out in the culture, you could divorce him and be done real quick and possibly find someone better. In our culture, we are called to endure and to lovingly bring our spouses closer to where they need to be. That very well may mean kicking him out for a little bit if needed. The important thing is that you act out of love in the situation. You are trying to help him become a better man, not just to get the particular things you want.

I would recommend you spend some time in pray and consider what is good for him. not just what is easiest. Ask for God to help you discern how best to help him. Most of all, I would ask God for strength to help you through this since you have a lot on your plate right now. Spend a little time reflecting on your own mood and where you have grown to be.

Frustation usually comes from expectations not being met. Two ways to relive this frustation, lower your expectations or have him step up to meet them. It may or may not be possible to get your husband to meet more of those expectations. especially in the short term. If not, what then? Will you blow a gasket? Leave him? Perhaps an answer for short term is to change your expectations? That may also make it easier to deal with him in a loving way. Not to say that you don’t hope he will do as much as any man should… and not to say that you don’t deserve more… and not to say you wont hold him to those expectations later, but for now…? I am just hoping you keep your own relationship with God in tact here.

God Bless,

Cymonk