Prayers and advice appreciated re: no more children

[newlywed8]

I am in desperate need of some advice/prayers regarding my husband’s decision that we should not have any more children.

A bit of background. My husband and I have an age gap (he is 10 years older). We married when I in my mid 20’s, he in his mid 30’s. We have been blessed with 2 incredible children.

From the time I was a little girl, I always wanted a big family. I only have one sibling and always wanted to have like 5-7 kids. When I pictured my life, I imagined a religious, fun-loving family that enjoyed each other’s company, where the kids were all good friends, etc. In my very secular, liberal-area public school, I used to be teased that I would be a soccer mom driving a big minivan.

I communicated this picture clearly to my husband when we were dating. He used to (friendly) tease me about wanting to be like the Duggards (in the sense of many, homeschooled, happy kids).
When discussing children, we thought that 4 sounded like a good number. A little smaller than I had pictured, but more manageable for our finances/space.

My husband has since decided since our second was born that he is done. He feels too old to have more children (now early 40’s). He believes that when it comes to having more children, it should be a 2 yes, 1 no decision, and I agree. But this is absolutely killing me.

I cry as my youngest gets older and I find myself taking down baby gates and getting rid of pack-n-plays. I cannot believe that I am never going to have another baby. Obviously I knew that one day I would be done child-bearing, but I didn’t think that would be for a long time. My second has this incredibly nuturing nature and I just sit there and think about what a great big sister she would have been.

I am trying so, so, so hard to be at peace about this. To respect my husband. I pray about it constantly.

I focus on praying for internal peace. But, please, now I need all of your prayers. All of my friends are having more children, ours is the smallest family I know (baring infertility). I find myself having trouble feeling happy for friends when they announce new pregnancies, which I know is wrong.

What makes it even worse is just how many tricks my body keeps playing on me. No matter how well I ‘handle’ this during the first 2-3 weeks of each month, by the second week of the so-called two week wait, I find myself intensely analyzing every twitch, pain, etc that my body gives me, trying to see if this is the month that God granted us a miracle. I keep tellling myself that logically, I know I am not pregnant. Yet, somehow when the inevitable evidence arrives that I am not, I find myself experiencing a fresh wave of profound disappointment and resentment. During this most recent cycle, I was about a day late, which led to a day of thinking ‘maybe, just maybe’. This disappointment led to me swallowing my pride and writing this post for help.

I know I probably sound obsessed in this posting, and I promise that it is not all that I think about. I am just so tired of the up and down at the end of each month. I am just having trouble letting go of the dream that I held onto for over 20 years, and realizing that I am never going to have that. As my youngest gets ready to wean (I do very extended BF) and I realize that I am probably never going to nurse again, I just want to cry all over again.

Please pray for me, and any words of wisdom you have to share, I would love to hear.

Note-- I cannot really talk to my husband about it any more. He just does not understand and he has begun to become frustrated with my wanting to revisit the topic.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I am a 41 year old man who stays at home and homeschools my five kids.

I’m sure we will probably have more.

Early on in our marriage we used ABC, then used NFP and finally decided that neither was healthy for our family or marriage. In our early years we fell into the idea that we had a “set” number of kids. My wife said two, and I said 8. My wife is also younger than I am.

During our nfp and abc days we were at odds with wanting children. Usually though it was I who wanted a baby which led to tension between my wife and I since we obviously did not agree on the reasons to avoid.

And while your husband’s attitude may be dissapointing to you I think you also might want to think about you doing the exact same thing that he is doing. Both of you have this set number that you wish to dictate to yourselves and God, rather than truly dicerning what God wills for you. His error in your eyes is reflected by your own error of tying your happiness and fulfillment to a preconceived number. This is not how dicernment of co creating souls with God should go.

That may be hard to hear but before you dwell on your frustration with your husband. Perhaps you should realize that you both have what appears to be selfish motives for your desires.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

I am in a different situation as we want kids and haven’t been able to have any but I can totally relate to that week 4 feeling of hoping and trying not to hope. I’m not sure what the answer is, I have been trying to find things to distract myself with but it’s not easy.

As for you and your husband maybe you could look into a marriage retreat weekend to try and help your relationship in general as I imagine this issue is taking over.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I am in desperate need of some advice/prayers regarding my husband’s decision that we should not have any more children.

A bit of background. My husband and I have an age gap (he is 10 years older). We married when I in my mid 20’s, he in his mid 30’s. We have been blessed with 2 incredible children.

From the time I was a little girl, I always wanted a big family. I only have one sibling and always wanted to have like 5-7 kids. When I pictured my life, I imagined a religious, fun-loving family that enjoyed each other’s company, where the kids were all good friends, etc. In my very secular, liberal-area public school, I used to be teased that I would be a soccer mom driving a big minivan.

I communicated this picture clearly to my husband when we were dating. He used to (friendly) tease me about wanting to be like the Duggards (in the sense of many, homeschooled, happy kids).
When discussing children, we thought that 4 sounded like a good number. A little smaller than I had pictured, but more manageable for our finances/space.

My husband has since decided since our second was born that he is done. He feels too old to have more children (now early 40’s). He believes that when it comes to having more children, it should be a 2 yes, 1 no decision, and I agree. But this is absolutely killing me.

I cry as my youngest gets older and I find myself taking down baby gates and getting rid of pack-n-plays. I cannot believe that I am never going to have another baby. Obviously I knew that one day I would be done child-bearing, but I didn’t think that would be for a long time. My second has this incredibly nuturing nature and I just sit there and think about what a great big sister she would have been.

I am trying so, so, so hard to be at peace about this. To respect my husband. I pray about it constantly.

I focus on praying for internal peace. But, please, now I need all of your prayers. All of my friends are having more children, ours is the smallest family I know (baring infertility). I find myself having trouble feeling happy for friends when they announce new pregnancies, which I know is wrong.

What makes it even worse is just how many tricks my body keeps playing on me. No matter how well I ‘handle’ this during the first 2-3 weeks of each month, by the second week of the so-called two week wait, I find myself intensely analyzing every twitch, pain, etc that my body gives me, trying to see if this is the month that God granted us a miracle. I keep tellling myself that logically, I know I am not pregnant. Yet, somehow when the inevitable evidence arrives that I am not, I find myself experiencing a fresh wave of profound disappointment and resentment. During this most recent cycle, I was about a day late, which led to a day of thinking ‘maybe, just maybe’. This disappointment led to me swallowing my pride and writing this post for help.

I know I probably sound obsessed in this posting, and I promise that it is not all that I think about. I am just so tired of the up and down at the end of each month. I am just having trouble letting go of the dream that I held onto for over 20 years, and realizing that I am never going to have that. As my youngest gets ready to wean (I do very extended BF) and I realize that I am probably never going to nurse again, I just want to cry all over again.

Please pray for me, and any words of wisdom you have to share, I would love to hear.

Note-- I cannot really talk to my husband about it any more. He just does not understand and he has begun to become frustrated with my wanting to revisit the topic.

Also, have you asked your husband why he does not want anymore children? I’m sure this has been talked about. I’d imagine that seeing his wife in pain about the decision that he would have a very good reason to want to not have another. Is he involved in your nfp method so he knows when is red light time. Or does he contracept?

 

[Lea101]

I’m from a family of 4, and it’s pretty unrealistic to think all of us are best friends It’s nice to insult each other and bicker, but I don’t think the stereotype of a large family=happy and close is thaat accurate. I don’t know why I’m telling you this, because big families can be fun, but expecting to have ‘everything’ usually leads to disappointment. You need to adjust to life

Anyway, did you talk to him about why exactly? I’m just guessing, but being old+taking care of kids (and spending more money) is exhausting and it puts pressure on parents, especially fathers in a traditional family. I don’t think him wanting a smaller family is unreasonable. It’s a valid concern. My dad is in his late 50s and seeing him take care of my little sister is…kind of sad. He gets burned out easily to the point where he stopped being so involved in our lives now. So I guess i can understand his concerns

An ‘oops’ baby might happen, but at the mean time, just trust that this could be a good thing. It might not look like it, but maybe in the future you might thank God for it. Instead of praying for your husband to change his mind, maybe pray for the strength to accept it+whatever plans God has for you, be it another kid or not!

And you mentioned you came from a small family. How was it? It seems like you might have a bad experience with it and that made you have the dream of having a completely different family. Maybe that’s worth looking into? Maybe? You can have an awesome and fun family right now, it doesn’t have to be like whatever you think it will be happiness should not be tied to a number of kids

 

[AClaire11]

Have you told him how anguished and heartbroken you are over this? My husband initially wanted to wait a few years before ttc and I agreed, but eventually I just couldn’t take it anymore. We had an honest, though very emotional discussion, and he saw how much it meant to me and agreed we could stop avoiding pregnancy. Of course, then we had infertility to deal with… Either way, you should not be forced to suffer in silence and bottle it all in.

 

[SusanneT]

I know how it feels to be ‘obsessed’ in that way so I do sympathise. I also agree that the first point of resolution is to talk to him and really discuss how you both feel and to pray on it.

 

[Xantippe]

I am in desperate need of some advice/prayers regarding my husband’s decision that we should not have any more children.

A bit of background. My husband and I have an age gap (he is 10 years older). We married when I in my mid 20’s, he in his mid 30’s. We have been blessed with 2 incredible children.

From the time I was a little girl, I always wanted a big family. I only have one sibling and always wanted to have like 5-7 kids. When I pictured my life, I imagined a religious, fun-loving family that enjoyed each other’s company, where the kids were all good friends, etc. In my very secular, liberal-area public school, I used to be teased that I would be a soccer mom driving a big minivan.

I communicated this picture clearly to my husband when we were dating. He used to (friendly) tease me about wanting to be like the Duggards (in the sense of many, homeschooled, happy kids).
When discussing children, we thought that 4 sounded like a good number. A little smaller than I had pictured, but more manageable for our finances/space.

My husband has since decided since our second was born that he is done. He feels too old to have more children (now early 40’s). He believes that when it comes to having more children, it should be a 2 yes, 1 no decision, and I agree. But this is absolutely killing me.

I cry as my youngest gets older and I find myself taking down baby gates and getting rid of pack-n-plays. I cannot believe that I am never going to have another baby. Obviously I knew that one day I would be done child-bearing, but I didn’t think that would be for a long time. My second has this incredibly nuturing nature and I just sit there and think about what a great big sister she would have been.

I am trying so, so, so hard to be at peace about this. To respect my husband. I pray about it constantly.

I focus on praying for internal peace. But, please, now I need all of your prayers. All of my friends are having more children, ours is the smallest family I know (baring infertility). I find myself having trouble feeling happy for friends when they announce new pregnancies, which I know is wrong.

What makes it even worse is just how many tricks my body keeps playing on me. No matter how well I ‘handle’ this during the first 2-3 weeks of each month, by the second week of the so-called two week wait, I find myself intensely analyzing every twitch, pain, etc that my body gives me, trying to see if this is the month that God granted us a miracle. I keep tellling myself that logically, I know I am not pregnant. Yet, somehow when the inevitable evidence arrives that I am not, I find myself experiencing a fresh wave of profound disappointment and resentment. During this most recent cycle, I was about a day late, which led to a day of thinking ‘maybe, just maybe’. This disappointment led to me swallowing my pride and writing this post for help.

I know I probably sound obsessed in this posting, and I promise that it is not all that I think about. I am just so tired of the up and down at the end of each month. I am just having trouble letting go of the dream that I held onto for over 20 years, and realizing that I am never going to have that. As my youngest gets ready to wean (I do very extended BF) and I realize that I am probably never going to nurse again, I just want to cry all over again.

Please pray for me, and any words of wisdom you have to share, I would love to hear.

Note-- I cannot really talk to my husband about it any more. He just does not understand and he has begun to become frustrated with my wanting to revisit the topic.

I think this may be partly the age gap. My husband is also early 40s, and he feels TIRED. For us, we’re roughly the same age, so I feel TIRED,too.

Your husband’s experience of parenting may be quite different than yours, given the age difference. Past 40, all sorts of things start to go. Your husband probably needs some TLC, and if not now, then real soon.

Also, come to think of it, if you are on the verge of weaning, you’re probably in a very emotionally fragile state, so this may not represent how you’re going to feel about the situation long-term.

 

[newlywed8]

Thank you all for your words of support/advice.

Regarding his reasons of ‘why’. He just says that he thinks he is too old. I personally believe that he believes he is too old because he struggles with little kids. He has trouble communicating with kids who can’t reason/tantrums/messes/etc and I believe he attributes this to his age. I personally believe it is just a temperment thing and that a lot of men are like this, at least in my experience-- really finding their path with their children as they age. My older one is just reaching elementary school age, and their relationship has improved/deepened dramatically.

He is also perhaps a bit obsessive about cleanliness and messes really bother him. I try very hard to keep the house straightened, but with two small children, working from home, and homeschooling, things often are not perfect. It is not chaotic, and I find things much more organized than they are at friends’ homes with children of similar ages. I think part of him is looking forward to older children and fewer messes.

It is not really financial, I do not think. Maybe a little, we do live in a HCOL area. But I do work from home while caring for the children, so the burden is not solely on him.

 

[Xantippe]

Thank you all for your words of support/advice.

Regarding his reasons of ‘why’. He just says that he thinks he is too old. I personally believe that he believes he is too old because he struggles with little kids. He has trouble communicating with kids who can’t reason/tantrums/messes/etc and I believe he attributes this to his age. I personally believe it is just a temperment thing and that a lot of men are like this, at least in my experience-- really finding their path with their children as they age. My older one is just reaching elementary school age, and their relationship has improved/deepened dramatically.

He is also perhaps a bit obsessive about cleanliness and messes really bother him. I try very hard to keep the house straightened, but with two small children, working from home, and homeschooling, things often are not perfect. It is not chaotic, and I find things much more organized than they are at friends’ homes with children of similar ages. I think part of him is looking forward to older children and fewer messes.

It is not really financial, I do not think. Maybe a little, we do live in a HCOL area. But I do work from home while caring for the children, so the burden is not solely on him.

The stuff about cleanliness and messes reminds me of one of the grandpas in our family. That family also had 2.0 kids and now that he’s older, having both of our older children visiting is as much as he can handle. (Grandma has yet to green-light all of us visiting–we’ve just been visiting separately for the past several years.)

For certain personality types, 2.0 kids is a lot of kids.

 

[SusanneT]

I think lot’s of men struggle with relating to very young children, my husband only really - got it - with our third. But if you have more he will both learn and of course he can concentrate on them as they grow up.

We found with the mess thing it’s best to go with the art of the possible, try to keep at least one or two rooms for you as adults.

 

[pianistclare]

Thank you all for your words of support/advice.

Regarding his reasons of ‘why’. He just says that he thinks he is too old. I personally believe that he believes he is too old because he struggles with little kids. He has trouble communicating with kids who can’t reason/tantrums/messes/etc and I believe he attributes this to his age. I personally believe it is just a temperment thing and that a lot of men are like this, at least in my experience-- really finding their path with their children as they age. My older one is just reaching elementary school age, and their relationship has improved/deepened dramatically.

He is also perhaps a bit obsessive about cleanliness and messes really bother him. I try very hard to keep the house straightened, but with two small children, working from home, and homeschooling, things often are not perfect. It is not chaotic, and I find things much more organized than they are at friends’ homes with children of similar ages. I think part of him is looking forward to older children and fewer messes.

It is not really financial, I do not think. Maybe a little, we do live in a HCOL area. But I do work from home while caring for the children, so the burden is not solely on him.

Nobody is going to like this, but:
I think you should calm down and count your blessings.
Lots of us “only” have 2 kids. And we’re overjoyed to watch them at every stage of their lives. If only having 2 kids is the worst thing that ever befalls your family? You’re quite blessed. If he’s worried about not seeing his children grow up, you need to take that seriously. Nothing fun about having to raise children alone…ask any single mother.
My girls’ dad died when they were teens… And let me tell you, I was TIRED.

Think about it at least.
Best wishes.

 

[tawny]

Nobody is going to like this, but:
I think you should calm down and count your blessings.
Lots of us “only” have 2 kids. And we’re overjoyed to watch them at every stage of their lives. If only having 2 kids is the worst thing that ever befalls your family? You’re quite blessed. If he’s worried about not seeing his children grow up, you need to take that seriously. Nothing fun about having to raise children alone…ask any single mother.
My girls’ dad died when they were teens… And let me tell you, I was TIRED.

Think about it at least.
Best wishes.

Good point.
Praying for your family.

 

[SuperHappy]

Please don’t let the disappointment you feel over not having more children (at the moment) block the joy and blessings that your children are. Try to take time to focus on what you have instead of what you don’t have.

The future still lies ahead and as we all know, it can change in the blink of an eye. Whether or not you have another child is always in God’s hands,

Sending up a prayer!

 

[Convert_in_99]

I am in a different situation as we want kids and haven’t been able to have any but I can totally relate to that week 4 feeling of hoping and trying not to hope. I’m not sure what the answer is, I have been trying to find things to distract myself with but it’s not easy.

As for you and your husband maybe you could look into a marriage retreat weekend to try and help your relationship in general as I imagine this issue is taking over.

:console: This is where we are too. It stinks!

 

[SusanneT]

I am in a different situation as we want kids and haven’t been able to have any but I can totally relate to that week 4 feeling of hoping and trying not to hope. I’m not sure what the answer is, I have been trying to find things to distract myself with but it’s not easy.

I often wonder how many any married woman pre-menopause don’t go through the worry process every month. One way or the other, either hoping they have, or hoping they have not conceived.

Or perhaps more exactly how many women and how often in life are entirely relaxed that what God wants will happen and they are happy either way.

Just a thought ?

 

[EnglishTeacher]

. . . . He believes that when it comes to having more children, it should be a 2 yes, 1 no decision, and I agree. But this is absolutely killing me. . . .

His decision not to have more children is a unilateral (“one yes”) decision. Has he thought about it that way?

 

[AClaire11]

His decision not to have more children is a unilateral (“one yes”) decision. Has he thought about it that way?

That was my thinking, too. Then I thought that two affirmatives are needed to change the status quo. But then I remembered that the status quo was originally four children. So it depends on how it’s framed, I guess.

 

[MarkInOregon]

Thank you all for your words of support/advice.

Regarding his reasons of ‘why’. He just says that he thinks he is too old. I personally believe that he believes he is too old because he struggles with little kids. He has trouble communicating with kids who can’t reason/tantrums/messes/etc and I believe he attributes this to his age. I personally believe it is just a temperment thing and that a lot of men are like this, at least in my experience-- really finding their path with their children as they age. My older one is just reaching elementary school age, and their relationship has improved/deepened dramatically.

He is also perhaps a bit obsessive about cleanliness and messes really bother him. I try very hard to keep the house straightened, but with two small children, working from home, and homeschooling, things often are not perfect. It is not chaotic, and I find things much more organized than they are at friends’ homes with children of similar ages. I think part of him is looking forward to older children and fewer messes.

It is not really financial, I do not think. Maybe a little, we do live in a HCOL area. But I do work from home while caring for the children, so the burden is not solely on him.

Don’t really have any words of wisdom unfortunately–only prayers. I don’t think it’s an age thing–temperment maybe. I was 45 when our last of 5 was born. Turns out this is our most active and athletic child–he’s making me see just how out of shape I am and is providing the needed motivation to get back into shape. We’ve raised/raising 5 in a small house–1 bedroom for the girls, one for the boys, and one bathroom, and yes there are days I look at the house and think boy a little less clutter, mess and general chaos would be nice, or I walk in the door and I am bombarded and think ok just give me 5 minutes to change my clothes, but I know there will come a day when they will all be gone and I will find the house empty and lonely–I already feel it at times even though we still have three at home. Your husband might rethink the age thing once he experiences teenagers–mine have been great/easy (especially compared to what I see some parents go. through), but still at times…and communication can be more challenging than communicating with a toddler–and older children do not necessarily equate to fewer messes.

I think Hoosier Daddy had some good words regarding attempting to determine God’s will for your family. Is this something you and your husband have discussed–what is God calling you to do regarding family? Is it something you’ve prayed together about? That might be a place to start, might be something that will bring you together in peace about whatever you ultimately decide God is calling you to. I am sure everyone here will pray for you.

The peace of Christ,
Mark

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Thank you all for your words of support/advice.

Regarding his reasons of ‘why’. He just says that he thinks he is too old. I personally believe that he believes he is too old because he struggles with little kids. He has trouble communicating with kids who can’t reason/tantrums/messes/etc and I believe he attributes this to his age. I personally believe it is just a temperment thing and that a lot of men are like this, at least in my experience-- really finding their path with their children as they age. My older one is just reaching elementary school age, and their relationship has improved/deepened dramatically.

He is also perhaps a bit obsessive about cleanliness and messes really bother him. I try very hard to keep the house straightened, but with two small children, working from home, and homeschooling, things often are not perfect. It is not chaotic, and I find things much more organized than they are at friends’ homes with children of similar ages. I think part of him is looking forward to older children and fewer messes.

It is not really financial, I do not think. Maybe a little, we do live in a HCOL area. But I do work from home while caring for the children, so the burden is not solely on him.

How is he proposing that you have no more children? Sterilization, abstinence, artificial birth control, nfp?