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ComputerGeek25
Guest
Yes. I know the feeling. My Fiance and I were the only one of the 11 couples who are not cohabitating.
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ComputerGeek25
Guest
I agree with your frustrations.
It’s like, what’s the point of trying to live a lifestyle in line with Catholic teaching? When I sin, I go to confession. I don’t live with my fiance. Yet the church is willing to marry people who aren’t regular church goers and are persistent in their sin.
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jmcrae
Guest
Your reward is in Heaven.
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Julianna
Guest
FYI, we were regular church goers. Our sister church did refuse to marry a young couple age 19 and 20, because the young woman was pregnant. They ended up getting married by a JOP and left the church. Their parents were devastated. They now have 5 children and belong to a Protestant church.
human condition is the human condition…and yes, there are priests who stick to their guns. My husband and I believed we needed to be “honest” with Fr. about our co habitating. His response “You are here, aren’t you?” I was expecting an old school lambasting like my parents got in '56.
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Kelfa28
Guest
My parents got a similar lambasting…this time in 1983. They were living together too. Just before the wedding my mom found out she was pregnant with me.FYI, we were regular church goers. Our sister church did refuse to marry a young couple age 19 and 20, because the young woman was pregnant. They ended up getting married by a JOP and left the church. Their parents were devastated. They now have 5 children and belong to a Protestant church.
human condition is the human condition…and yes, there are priests who stick to their guns. My husband and I believed we needed to be “honest” with Fr. about our co habitating. His response “You are here, aren’t you?” I was expecting an old school lambasting like my parents got in '56.
The priest basically told them that their marriage would never last. He did marry them and some 30 years later they are still together…go figure.
However, my mom left the Church. She still isn’t back.
My husband and I got a kinder reaction with our priest when we were up front about our past. I was pregnant as well.
Our priest knew we were going through RCIA and were committed to coming back to the Church.
He asked us to remain chaste until our wedding, refrain from receiving communion (that was directed at me since I had received communion but not confirmation) and stay committed to RCIA and the pre-canna classes…and he would have no issue marrying us.
Our Parish priest, who is far more Orthodox, agreed and was actually a little disappointed that he couldn’t marry us (we would have had to wait much longer).
If we were met with a brick wall…I highly doubt we would have come back to the Church. We’d probably be Protestant.
I don’t agree with marrying couples who don’t frequent Mass and waltz into a Parish office looking to get married (and essentially looking to check off the box). But I believe priests need to use discretion and go on a case by case basis. Our priest could clearly see that my husband and I were dedicated to coming back into the Church and righting our wrongs.
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catholicman76
Guest
My pre-cana was a joke, horribly disappointing.
In my case, I may be looking a divorce. As I am working on forgiveness, examining what is broken, and trying to find hope I have discovered a few things.
When consulting priest and others, I have been asked more than once (remember that exercise from pre-cana or how was the out come for the topic in your pre-cana). I need to truthfully answer, we never did that exercise, or we were never asked that questions. If only they did.
We did not co-habitat or sleep together ourselves, a priest in our diocese (spent extra time and Rome and has some type of TOB degree) whom I have spoke to told be for someone in my situation I went to the worst pre-cana possible.
In my case, I may be looking a divorce. As I am working on forgiveness, examining what is broken, and trying to find hope I have discovered a few things.
When consulting priest and others, I have been asked more than once (remember that exercise from pre-cana or how was the out come for the topic in your pre-cana). I need to truthfully answer, we never did that exercise, or we were never asked that questions. If only they did.
We did not co-habitat or sleep together ourselves, a priest in our diocese (spent extra time and Rome and has some type of TOB degree) whom I have spoke to told be for someone in my situation I went to the worst pre-cana possible.
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ComputerGeek25
Guest
While certain priests and deacons can certainly be terse and not “pastoral”, they do have a duty to protect the sacraments and have a duty to protect the souls under their care. This is why you see the confusion over whether communion should be given to certain pro-choice senators.FYI, we were regular church goers. Our sister church did refuse to marry a young couple age 19 and 20, because the young woman was pregnant. They ended up getting married by a JOP and left the church. Their parents were devastated. They now have 5 children and belong to a Protestant church.
human condition is the human condition…and yes, there are priests who stick to their guns. My husband and I believed we needed to be “honest” with Fr. about our co habitating. His response “You are here, aren’t you?” I was expecting an old school lambasting like my parents got in '56.
People really shouldn’t be living together before they are married, except some sort of special case or emergency. However, I can understand why priests would want to normalize the relationship of the cohabitating couple.
I would consider living apart a small price to pay for my eternal soul.
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Kelfa28
Guest
Some people never get that chance.
My soul is no different from anyone else’s soul. It’s no different from the couple that “did everything correct” in the eyes of the Church.
By the time we got to RCIA and our pre-canna classes, moving apart was NOT an option. I don’t care what anyone says.
Our priests (plural) agreed with us and that is all we needed to hear to move forward.
Every situation is different and I’m just blessed I’m where I am now and not where I was 2 years ago.
What is the point of repenting and coming back into the Church if we are just going to hit with a brick wall?
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ComputerGeek25
Guest
Again, as I said, the clergy has a duty to protect the sacraments and to tend to your spiritual well being. As such, they have every right to ask you to move apart (if possible) and question your motives to get married (if you are pregnant).
Maybe your case is special, that is not for me to judge. The frustration that others and I have is there’s an attitude of “Father is going to marry us anyways (or we can find someone that will), so why don’t we move in together.”
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maryjk
Guest
When we married in the Church, we had been civilly married for 11 years and had a 7 year old.
No, we weren’t told to live apart. And I don’t know that we could have. We certainly didn’t have the money to rent an apartment for one of us.
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ComputerGeek25
Guest
This is one of the special cases I am referencing, as you were already civilly married and had a family and home. Most everyone that I know that cohabitated before marriage was a 20 something with a job and could easily have made other aragements until they were married.
When we married in the Church, we had been civilly married for 11 years and had a 7 year old.
No, we weren’t told to live apart. And I don’t know that we could have. We certainly didn’t have the money to rent an apartment for one of us.
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Kelfa28
Guest
Believe it or not…I agree with that frustration…as I’ve stated in my previous post. I’ve seen it plenty of times myself…especially with Catholics who manage to get married in the Church without stepping foot inside for Mass since their Confirmation.
I don’t need to explain my specific situation here…maybe it was a special case…who knows?All I know was that we were given permission by two separate priests (one of whom has a reputation as being quite Orthodox in his practice of the faith).
But I do feel the need to defend my situation when I see other posters question my beliefs and my marriage because I had pre-marital sex and co-habitated and had a child out of wedlock.
You cannot lump everyone in a neat, separate little boxes. Even if I did marry my husband civilly before we entered the Church…it STILL wouldn’t have been a valid marriage because I was a baptized Catholic.
But would that make the co-habitation somewhat better if we had done that instead? Would that have eliminated the need to for us to move apart for the good of our marriage and the sanctity of the sacraments?
If getting married civilly suddenly solves the problem with couples who are co-habitating then why doesn’t everyone just get married by a JP and then schedule the big wedding? If Co-habitaion is still wrong within a civil marriage between one or two baptized Catholics…what do you say to the people who do want to re-enter the Church yet have annulments to work out and they have kids and have been together for years? That could take years.
My husband and I made sure that we DID NOT disgrace the Sacraments until our situation was totally sorted out. I can’t say that about everyone and neither can you.
At Church we look like your average devote Catholic couple.
We are open to life, active in our Parish, never miss Mass, frequent the Sacraments and we are planning on putting our kids in the Parish school
Little would anyone know that we lived sinful lives before our conversion. I don’t think I want anyone to know…seeing the some of the holier than thou responses and the questioning of our devotion to Christ and His Church.
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Kelfa28
Guest
So I should have married civilly and continued to live in Sin until 20 or so years have past and 4 kids come around before I thought about getting married in the Church?
Once again…we couldn’t move apart. I was unemployed. I was due in a couple of months and my Husband flat out refused to send me or our daughter away just to make things right within the Church. He was supporting us all at that point.
Keep in mind, our daughter was just under 2 months when we got married. There was no way we were going to separate our family to make it look good for the Church when we got married. I couldn’t take my daughter away from her father…that would have destroyed my husband.
We kept away from the sacraments until everything got straightened out.
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ComputerGeek25
Guest
That is fine and I’m not questioning that.
I am trying not to do what your implying that I am doing.
Yes, there are times when moving out is not an option. It requires great care by those who are preparing those for marriage in the Church.
Getting married outside of the Church then having it blessed for one or two baptized people still isn’t the preferred way. It’s like you’re trying to pull a fast one on the Church. It is expected that the couple will live as brother and sister (no hanky panky) until their marriage situation is sorted out.
I’m not questioning your faith or anything. The Church is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints.
All I’m saying that, in general, cohabitation should not be done in most circumstances and that nothing is said to those people who have no compelling reason to do so. It’s just business as usual.
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mandajane
Guest
My biggest concern was their attitude toward birth control. I feel like this is something people are severely under-catechized on, and the Pre-Cana class, for a lot of couples that don’t go to church, is going to be their biggest exposure to the churches views.
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ComputerGeek25
Guest
We had the same experience… We’re probably going to shell out $160 to take the special course.
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Julianna
Guest
and that is why we have a thing called Confession.
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ComputerGeek25
Guest
Yes, that is true. But you do need a firm purpose of amendmentand that is why we have a thing called Confession.
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byzancatholic
Guest
Latin mass does not make a community - having a personal sense of the sacred during divine worship, whether it’s Latin rite in the English vernacular or Eastern rite Divine Liturgy.
As Baptized apostolic Christians, we have a lifelong obligation to read about our Faith and that includes reading/studying our Catechism.
My husband and I attended a three day weekend Engaged Encounter for our marriage preparation. The sessions were in depth. One of the sessions focused on marriage as our vocation.
Engaged couples should be proactive in working with their pastor while planning their wedding, regardless of rite.
I don’t have any comments on the NFP - we suffered from fertility problems and miscarriage. Maybe pre-marriage prep should focus on infertility as a possibility, too, not just being open to a child.
As Baptized apostolic Christians, we have a lifelong obligation to read about our Faith and that includes reading/studying our Catechism.
My husband and I attended a three day weekend Engaged Encounter for our marriage preparation. The sessions were in depth. One of the sessions focused on marriage as our vocation.
Engaged couples should be proactive in working with their pastor while planning their wedding, regardless of rite.
I don’t have any comments on the NFP - we suffered from fertility problems and miscarriage. Maybe pre-marriage prep should focus on infertility as a possibility, too, not just being open to a child.
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jmcrae
Guest
Correctness begins in childhood, with how the child is being raised.
Children who are properly taught at home from the very beginning seem to have no trouble waiting until after the wedding before moving in together. The “inconvenience” of the girl having her own apartment while she finishes school and works part time is hardly mentioned.
But as long as there is an option presented of “OH well, if you really must” then who is going to go to the expense of becoming an adult and living on one’s own? If you can jump straight from Daddy’s lap into your boyfriend’s lap, and never be required to pay for anything yourself, then - why not?
People always take the path of least resistance, and do whatever requires the least effort on their own part. Girls won’t get jobs and move into their own apartments unless they are not presented with any other option.
If you wait until your child is announcing that she is moving in with her boyfriend, it’s too late to start the training in chastity. Training in chastity begins at birth.
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