Pre-Marital depression

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adelaide

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Hi all–
This is my first time to post.
I am getting married this year to a wonderful guy, but since our engagement, he has been struggling with some depression-type symptoms. In the recent past, he has had several concussions and has chronic headaches. I know that his medical condition must spur on the depression, and I absolutely hate it for him. Most of the time, he is fine, and he fights so hard to act like he is feeling good in order to make things seem normal for me. However, he travels a lot for work, and I am often afraid that he has his best “face” on when we see each other on the weekends.

Basically, he breaks down sometimes, demonstrating the classic depression symptoms (feeling down, change of personality, feeling like he is in a black hole, being haunted by past actions, feelings of resentment and insecurity, feeling like everyone has unfounded expectations of him). During these times, he often presents problems he has with me that are slightly irrational and difficult to address. He is offended by my attempts to address normal issues that occur because of his condition (that I feel are necessary in the marriage preparation process), and does not react to my concerns in a proactive way. I try to be very sympathetic during these times and present as little stress as possible, as I know he can’t control the feelings he is having, but it seems that we make no headway in communication and get nothing solved. I love him very much, but feel helpless in attempting to help him overcome any issues. He is constantly building me up for “dealing with him” during his good times, and constantly apologizing for “putting me through so much.” I have trouble understanding how to help him and how to progress.

I admire his courage so much, as he has agreed to see a doctor and a Catholic therapist, and has agreed to take the medication his doctor prescribed, despite INCREDIBLE apprehension. He is on the best track to improvement, as far as I can tell, even though he still has bad days. However, I can help but be concerned about our immediate future. I want him to know how much I love him and stand by him no matter what, but I am afraid that the stress of a marriage might not be a good thing for him right now. I know that essentially, the day we take our vows, we are saying that we are ready to be a mother and a father, and I am a little nervous that these issues he is dealing with might (possibly) inhibit him from being able to carry this out, and it might make his condition worse. I want to take this time to concentrate on him getting better, but I plan to be with him even if he doesn’t, so is delaying the actual date of the marriage a productive and fruitful thing, or not?

What if he decides to stop treatment after we take our vows? What if he is only doing it for me? I don’t think he is, but there are so many unknowns. Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated. Thank you , and God bless you!
 
As someone who lived with other people’s depression much of my life, I would urge you to postpone your wedding until things have stabilized.

It is one thing to stick with someone who gets sick after you say “I do” but it is quite another to attempt marriage with someone who may not be equipped to support the enterprise.

One thing is certain. Marriage will not make the problem go away.
 
When you say you will be with him even if he doesn’t get better, then there is nothing for any of us to say. You won’t take our advice when we give it.

Why are so many women stuck in this “no matter what he does or how he acts I WILL still marry him” mode? Do you think this makes you virtuous? Please, if you do marry this man with these problems unresolved, DO NOT subject children to this unhealthy situation.

Some people just are not called to marriage. If he is truly mentally ill to the extent you describe, he may not be capable of marriage. Or maybe, people don’t hold him accountable for his behavior because of his injuries, thinking they are being compassionate. So he never faces any consequences for being irrational and impossible, so he is never motivated to get better. He never has to, cuz he has everything he wants or needs no matter how his behavior affects people.

Marriage takes a team effort. One person cannot do it alone for both.
 
Prayers for you.

I don’t know what to tell you other than that you are right to be concerned. He may be an overall wonderful man but that doesn’t always mean he would be capable of being a good husband and father.

You mentions several concussions. From what??? Are his depression symptoms related to that?

Or has he struggled from depression for much longer? If it’s been long term do you know if he usually does take his medication?

It seems as if your intended is trying very hard to be good husband material. But this may be one of those times where a longer engagement might be best.
 
I just mean that his injury is not his fault, nor is his condition. I intend to love him through it, although I recognize that our upcoming “wedding” might not be the best way to love him. I can support him as his fiance without the pressure of a marriage.
 
right-- I am fairly sure that the depression is a result of his concussions (strange accidents related the the fact that he is really tall). However, he might have always dealt with it to a degree, and its coincidental that it has become something he has recognized after the concussions
 
Adelaide…

Congratulations on your love and your coming wedding 🙂

He sounds like a wonderful man and he is lucky to have you by his side already proving your love and faithfulness to him the way you do.

One advice I can only give you is COMMUNICATION. This is the most important thing and if it does not work then nothing works…
If he gets angry or unreasonable when you open up about your worries and thoughts then thats something that needs to get out into the open.
You have to be able to sit down and tell him you feel insecure and helpless and to tell him that you love him and that you are ready to postpone the wedding date if it makes him feel better and more relaxed…

Dont blame your self for his depression. Often people think they are able to rescue someone else who is in the pit (I’ve been in the same situation)… and they are eventually driven to exhaustion because they can’t… You have to let you be you with your needs as well… and then let professional help take over.

Also, its important for you not to feel ashamed if you feel overwhelmed and have second thoughts or need peace…

:hug1:
 
Strange accidents related to being tall? :eek: Are you sure the concussions are causing problems? What if they are simply a result of an underlying problem?

Has his primary physician confirmed that a concussion is causing him to have “personality changes”? :eek:

Love him all you want, but why not take things slowly to get him the help he needs. Marriage is a big responsibility and a huge change in life. His priorities will change. Right now he is single and can afford to care only about himself. It sounds like he needs some serious TLC.
 
He got a terrible concussion because of an accident in college, and then each subsequent concussion has been easier to get because he’s 6’4" and has hit his head by raising up too quickly going through doorframes, etc.
His primary physician said that this made sense, referencing Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome, something that many athletes go through after sustaining head injuries. Many of them deal with sever depression due to these concussions.

In response to Dusky, I am attempting to take the “wedding” off of a strict timeline. Basically, that is why I am reaching out for help. What I am saying is that I understand that this condition is not his fault, even though he has to be held accountable for his actions. The “condition” is not the “person,” and I will love the “person” unconditionally while learning how to deal with the “condition.” I understand that loving him does not mean pouring over him with affection at every point, and that it might, in fact, mean removing ourselves from a path that ends in marriage in the near future. Of course I don’t think this makes me virtuous, but I know that we are all called to imitate Christ in unconditional love, especially with those to whom we believe we are called to be with for the rest of our lives. I just am uncertain how to express it and what love looks most like in a situation like ours, and that’s why I am asking for help. More than anything, I want him to be well and to enjoy every minute of being engaged, being a husband, being a father, etc. He has, in fact, been improving on his medication and through interaction with a counselor-- I just don’t know how “improved” he has to be in order for us to be ready for marriage. It’s just that I have never dealt with any sort of depression quite this closely, so I wanted to hear from those who have.
 
adelaide said:
He got a terrible concussion because of an accident in college, and then each subsequent concussion has been easier to get because he’s 6’4" and has hit his head by raising up too quickly going through doorframes, etc.
His primary physician said that this made sense, referencing Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome, something that many athletes go through after sustaining head injuries. Many of them deal with sever depression due to these concussions.

In response to Dusky, I am attempting to take the “wedding” off of a strict timeline. Basically, that is why I am reaching out for help. What I am saying is that I understand that this condition is not his fault, even though he has to be held accountable for his actions. The “condition” is not the “person,” and I will love the “person” unconditionally while learning how to deal with the “condition.” I understand that loving him does not mean pouring over him with affection at every point, and that it might, in fact, mean removing ourselves from a path that ends in marriage in the near future. Of course I don’t think this makes me virtuous, but I know that we are all called to imitate Christ in unconditional love, especially with those to whom we believe we are called to be with for the rest of our lives. I just am uncertain how to express it and what love looks most like in a situation like ours, and that’s why I am asking for help. More than anything, I want him to be well and to enjoy every minute of being engaged, being a husband, being a father, etc. He has, in fact, been improving on his medication and through interaction with a counselor-- I just don’t know how “improved” he has to be in order for us to be ready for marriage. It’s just that I have never dealt with any sort of depression quite this closely, so I wanted to hear from those who have.
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Bless you. And your fiance is one lucky guy. Forgive us for our ignorance of you and the details. Also forgive those who might seem harsh. Forums are free and the communication options are limited.

There are many on this forum that know what it is to live with depression and I’m sure they can help you understand.

Peace be with you!
 
I think you are on the right, prudent track. And I think he can get better if he is really working at it. God bless you for still being able to show him love even when things are not ideal. That doesn’t mean enabling or letting him get away with things and I’m not sure why people assumed that.

Just make it totally clear to him that you are not postponing the wedding because you love him any less, or don’t want to marry him because of his condition…but that you DO eventually want to marry him, and love him so much you want to make sure he can really take on what the Sacrament requires, and you want him to get better without that stress.

I can relate to you on two levels; I used to suffer from depression myself, and my fiance also had some issues he needed to get through. I had to tell him that we would not get engaged until I knew he was working on and improving them. He impressed me tremendously, and now we’re engaged 🙂
 
adelaide said:
He got a terrible concussion because of an accident in college, and then each subsequent concussion has been easier to get because he’s 6’4" and has hit his head by raising up too quickly going through doorframes, etc.
His primary physician said that this made sense, referencing Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome, something that many athletes go through after sustaining head injuries. Many of them deal with sever depression due to these concussions.

In response to Dusky, I am attempting to take the “wedding” off of a strict timeline. Basically, that is why I am reaching out for help. What I am saying is that I understand that this condition is not his fault, even though he has to be held accountable for his actions. The “condition” is not the “person,” and I will love the “person” unconditionally while learning how to deal with the “condition.” I understand that loving him does not mean pouring over him with affection at every point, and that it might, in fact, mean removing ourselves from a path that ends in marriage in the near future. Of course I don’t think this makes me virtuous, but I know that we are all called to imitate Christ in unconditional love, especially with those to whom we believe we are called to be with for the rest of our lives. I just am uncertain how to express it and what love looks most like in a situation like ours, and that’s why I am asking for help. More than anything, I want him to be well and to enjoy every minute of being engaged, being a husband, being a father, etc. He has, in fact, been improving on his medication and through interaction with a counselor-- I just don’t know how “improved” he has to be in order for us to be ready for marriage. It’s just that I have never dealt with any sort of depression quite this closely, so I wanted to hear from those who have.
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Look, I don’t want to come across as calling you a liar because I am definitely not attempting to do that.

But I don’t have one uncle on both sides of the family under 6’ 4". My dad is 6’ 5" and my FIL is almost 6’'7" (great height for a head counsel lol).

I would totally get him to a psychiatrist and get him a full physical. Don’t stop at a “concussion” from walking into a doorway being the excuse for personality changes, depression, mood changes and the like.

Before you tie the knot and learn how to live with the “condition” I betcha there’s more to this “condition” then a concussion.
 
I had the same feeling haskilee. There is a lot about this that makes no sense. I have never heard of PTSD as a result of repeated concussions? Makes no sense… what’s the “trauma?” PTSD is the result of emotional trauma. 🤷 I know depression can be a side effect of physical injuries…

In any case, I was glad to see the OP is open to postponing. She definitely needs more information. And there should be NO CHILDREN brought into this situation without clarity about the codition, good reliable control of whatever it is, behavioral therapy that reinforces this man’s obligation to behave as responsibly and decently as he is capable of, and contingency plans for what to do should his codition deteriorate or if he refuses to take his meds/go to therapy when needed. I am like Dr. Laura on this… adults can take whatever risks they would like with themselves, but are morally obligated not to bring children into situations of unreasonable risk or instability.
 
duskyjewel said:
I had the same feeling haskilee. There is a lot about this that makes no sense. I have never heard of PTSD as a result of repeated concussions? Makes no sense… what’s the “trauma?” PTSD is the result of emotional trauma. 🤷 I know depression can be a side effect of physical injuries…

In any case, I was glad to see the OP is open to postponing. She definitely needs more information. And there should be NO CHILDREN brought into this situation without clarity about the codition, good reliable control of whatever it is, behavioral therapy that reinforces this man’s obligation to behave as responsibly and decently as he is capable of, and contingency plans for what to do should his codition deteriorate or if he refuses to take his meds/go to therapy when needed. I am like Dr. Laura on this… adults can take whatever risks they would like with themselves, but are morally obligated not to bring children into situations of unreasonable risk or instability.
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Although life brings trouble no matter what, and whining is pointless, as a child of a mentally ill mother, whose condition was complicated by depression, I can say that I would NEVER, NEVER, NEVER walk into a marriage in which this was a pre-existing factor. Marriage is hard enough when everybody has all the pieces in the right place. Heck, it can GIVE you depression! Starting out with known depression is a death kiss.
 
Asillia said:
Just make it totally clear to him that you are not postponing the wedding because you love him any less, or don’t want to marry him because of his condition…but that you DO eventually want to marry him, and love him so much you want to make sure he can really take on what the Sacrament requires, and you want him to get better without that stress.
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On the contrary, I would argue that the sacrament will unleash a flood of special graces for this man. I have suffered and struggled with clinical depression since my mid teens and had tried to alleviate it with medication and absolve my past sins (largely the source of my anxieties and frustrations) through secular therapy.

When I was 18, though, I met my wife-to-be. That meeting set me back on my course to heaven! She was singing with her university’s Gregorian Schola that Sunday–Solemn Vespers followed by High Mass with Benediction. When I saw our Lord for the first time in the monstrance, I felt a wonderful peace and a tug at my heart and soul that I can’t quite put into words. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was called to be Catholic, and I couldn’t deny that my wife was the chief instrument that God used to bring me home.

Five years later, we’re married. Perhaps in the eyes of some people, our marriage is already doomed. I’m not doing well at school, we’re living 500 miles apart because of her graduate work and only have time together every two weeks, and our jobs aren’t bringing in much in the way of money. We were a bit overconfident about what we could handle living so far apart. And I am, frankly, depressed again at times.

But know this: worldly problems are transitory. Eventually the economy will turn around, I’ll be able to finish my degree, and we’ll be living together! The only thing that matters is that she intercedes for my soul and I for hers, and we understand the gift of the marital union to be a profound icon of Christ’s love for the Church and for each one of us. It is a window into heaven! When we’re together at Mass or in the comfort of our home we can, as the Fathers tell us to do, set aside all earthly cares. And that is a better treatment for depression than all the medicine in the world.
 
mercygate said:
Although life brings trouble no matter what, and whining is pointless, as a child of a mentally ill mother, whose condition was complicated by depression, I can say that I would NEVER, NEVER, NEVER walk into a marriage in which this was a pre-existing factor. Marriage is hard enough when everybody has all the pieces in the right place. Heck, it can GIVE you depression! Starting out with known depression is a death kiss.
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Thanks for brightening my day.
 
Thank you all so much for all your help!

I am not denying that my fiance is depressed, and I am unsure of the source of the depression. I was only suggesting that the concussions might have been a factor. I read this about concussions: “Concussions are caused by blows to the head. Immediate symptoms can include amnesia, memory loss, difficulty concentrating, headache, sensitivity to light and dizziness. Delayed symptoms can include sleep disturbance, fatigue, depression and fogginess. For details, see this NIH Web site.”-- My fiance has had all of those symptoms, so it seemed to make sense to all involved that the concussions could be a factor. But, the CAUSE of the depression is truly beside the point. We are addressing the depression, itself, in his treatment, and my concerns actually have little to do with the cause. I only mention it because it is such a sad and frustrating situation for my fiance, and it makes the depression seem like it could have been prevented had the accidents been avoided, so it’s easier for him to blame himself and more difficult for him to admit to the depression. Whether he was depressed before the concussions or not will likely emerge in his therapy sessions. Basically, I appreciate comments on that part of the issue, but it is not the part that is important to me. I will maybe post my questions on that subject on a Web MD forum.
 
adelaide said:
Thank you all so much for all your help!

I am not denying that my fiance is depressed, and I am unsure of the source of the depression. I was only suggesting that the concussions might have been a factor. I read this about concussions: “Concussions are caused by blows to the head. Immediate symptoms can include amnesia, memory loss, difficulty concentrating, headache, sensitivity to light and dizziness. Delayed symptoms can include sleep disturbance, fatigue, depression and fogginess. For details, see this NIH Web site.”-- My fiance has had all of those symptoms, so it seemed to make sense to all involved that the concussions could be a factor. But, the CAUSE of the depression is truly beside the point. We are addressing the depression, itself, in his treatment, and my concerns actually have little to do with the cause. I only mention it because it is such a sad and frustrating situation for my fiance, and it makes the depression seem like it could have been prevented had the accidents been avoided, so it’s easier for him to blame himself and more difficult for him to admit to the depression. Whether he was depressed before the concussions or not will likely emerge in his therapy sessions. Basically, I appreciate comments on that part of the issue, but it is not the part that is important to me. I will maybe post my questions on that subject on a Web MD forum.
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I agree with other posters that a complete physical and psychological workup is indicated here. I have known someone with PTSD-type of symptoms after a head injury - but that injury was caused by a roadside bomb in Iraq!!! My daughter’s fiance is 6/5" and knows enough to be careful around doors; is your fiance excessively clumsy? That in itself could be something to investigate.

Best wishes and you work through this. My prayers are with you both.
 
I should investigate his excessive clumsiness? what could that be indicative of?
 
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