Pre-marriage intimacy

[Ikenna_Caesar]

There’s no need beating about the bush. We all know the truth. Sex outside marriage is termed either fornication or adultery. The gospel {of Christ Himself} condemns it, St. Paul still makes a clear case against it. In the Old Testament, God had included it in the Laws. And Christ (the second person of the Blessed Trinity)says “anyone who loves me keeps my laws”. Do we love God? Let’s be realistic here! We should be whom we claim to be- CHRISTIANS. Let us not allow the flesh to suppress the soul. We should work hard to overcome our carnal urges. Constant prayer life is a good help.

 

[imperfect]

Hi again, imperfect;

May I ask – do you feel like something is lacking in your relationship (like a sense of feeling loved) by your bf’s stance on permarital sex? I ask because you look at sex (in your relationship) as being an extension of love as you post…but, is it an extension, or might you feel that sex will *confirm *that he loves you? That’s an important distinction to make. My husband was ‘active’ before me, and I was waiting for marriage–so he was not used to a woman ‘holding back,’ or ‘being reserved.’ He felt a little uneasy about that during our courtship, but then he grew to accept that it actually made our bond stronger. My husband had been chaste for a few years leading up to meeting me–per wanting to live his life more for God. But, when he realized ‘I was the one,’ he didn’t see anything wrong with having sex, even though we were just engaged and not married. He had some struggles because in his mind–this is how a person confirms his/her love for one another. No, a person confirms his/her love through marriage–making a lifelong commitment to one another. Glad we waited–were his sentiments. (and so am I)

And so will you be. Please trust me/us.

My goodness. I cried reading this. This is exactly it. I know he’s the one and I believe that I am the one for him (he tells me and shows me often enough!) and because of that fact I think it’s right for us to take our relationship to this level. I have only slept with one man and I have been chaste for a number of years because sex means something to me and I only want to share this with some I love and who loves me.

Thank you so much for this comment. You have no idea.

This is one of the most important decisions you will ever make: whom to marry. You already know that sleeping with someone is no guarantee their love for you will become permanent, irrevocable and exclusive. And by removing your boyfriend from the grace of God through sin, every choice he makes concerning you will be clouded by sin and made without the grace of God.

I do not already know any such thing.

Whilst you quote “lots of marriages fail for people who have entered into sex before marriage” the reverse is also true. My parents are a fine example of this.

I am not saying it is right or wrong, I’m just saying that argument doesn’t wash.

You’ve been dating for two years.

You’re both in your mid twenties.

You “have absolute faith that you will be married and together.”

Question: Where’s the ring and when’s the wedding date?

You’ve emphasized how slowly & carefully you’ve proceded to plan your fornication, but has he proposed? It ain’t “pre-marriage intimacy” if there’s no upcoming marriage!

Look, I get it, I’ve been there–chock full o’hormones and really, really turned on by the guy. There is a reason for this–to compel us to join together and make babies! So why not get married and start enjoying the privileges of marriage?

He gave me a promise ring. I mentioned the big ocean between us, there are logistical things we have to resolve before we can set a date, however I have a sneaky feeling that engagement will be soon (as my dad told me my boyfriend called him and has had a silly grin on his face every since.)

It is belittling to equate sex, or my desire to bond with him in this way, to hormones. If we were driven by lust we would have had sex long ago.

(This is Stephanie’s husband writing.) ]

You’re wrong.

Bad cop here…

I hope this thread serves as an illustration of the dangers of believers getting involved with pagans. They just don’t get it. That’s not to say we shouldn’t all try to get along or love each other, but they labor under an entirely different set of “values” than we do. I’ve been there, and I know as well as anyone that as nice and “good” (in the worldly sense) as they are, spiritual matters are incomprehensible to them.

I weep for the guy involved in this. Given what we know about him, it sounds like he has no support whatsoever. He’s all alone. May God protect him.

Goodness.

I pray for you.

 

[imperfect]

In order to get to the point where I could find somewhere to come for advice I had to be honest with myself. This isn’t my first visit to this website. I have been researching Catholicism since we met because I wanted to be part of his life and try to understand his beliefs. He’s done the same with my religion and we both attend each other’s churches when we’re together. I chose this site because of the mix of personalities here.

You may wish to believe this is about control on my part, but I do not. Perhaps my communication was not clear or perhaps people just read between the lines and applied their own ethics or traits to the situation. If this was about control I wouldn’t be on here asking for advice. I’d have moved on. To tar me with this brush is to not approach the situation with compassion.

One of the posts mentioned that I am trying to equate myself with God in my boyfriend’s eyes. Whilst a lot of the understanding I received from people here makes sense and makes me nod my head, that comment widened my eyes.

I do not want him to put me before God, ever, my goodness! And I hope he would never ask me to put him before God, but I understand why it may seem like that to you and to him.

I thought How bloody dare I do that.

The fact that he has considered my viewpoint as much as I have considered his makes me smile. This was a guy who blushed at the word sex and the fact that we can now discuss our feelings and thoughts openly is testament, I think, to how great our relationship is.

I don’t like the argument – lot’s of marriages fail if you have pre-marital sex – it’s a weak argument. It’s weakened more when my parents are 30 years into a marriage and practiced sex before they wed.

I’ve answered some specific replies below. All the responses have been insightful, not just about my situation but the personalities here and the website itself.

Catholics are just like everyone else, really, when it comes to judgement.

I’m not going to say what we have decided. That wasn’t the point of my post, really, it was to help us to reach a decision.

Thank you.

Imperfect,
And the other item I wanted to point…marriage does not cancel out sin. This is a mistake in thinking that a lot of people make. It doesn’t make it ok to fornicate and that when you marry that will just wash it all away. Instead…you take that sin with you into marriage and you will pay for it.

I didn’t make myself clear here. I was trying to say that sex inside marriage is not a sin, therefore marriage cancels out the sin. In short – if we do not have sex until we are married there is no sin because marriage makes the sex aspect not a sin.

If you love him - marry him. Have sex after. It’s really not that big a deal to wait. And if you question his commitment or whatever because you have not had sex with him prior to marriage, you have MUCH bigger issues than this to deal with.

I’m starting to question why in the world such a devout man would want to get involved with someone who feels so differently than he does. Why would he want to constantly have to qualify his Faith at every turn, when he’s having to do so before the wedding even happens?

I know this is harsh - but this is the Truth. You can try to justify your way around it any way you like - but it does not change reality.

~Liza

We plan to marry but there’s a huge ocean between us at the moment and we need to sort out visas etc before we can take our vows.

Feel free to question him and pass judgement. He doesn’t have to constantly justify his faith to me at all, and I do not have to justify mine to him. I don’t believe I implied that. He has to justify his actions to God, as do I.

You are harsh and I can take that. But I would like to say to you specifically - keep in mind that I joined a catholic forum for advice and guidance. That should tell you something about how much I respect him and his religion. There is a difference between guiding and advising and lecturing and passing judgement.

 

[imperfect]

In order to get to the point where I could find somewhere to come for advice I had to be honest with myself. This isn’t my first visit to this website. I have been researching Catholicism since we met because I wanted to be part of his life and try to understand his beliefs. He’s done the same with my religion and we both attend each other’s churches when we’re together. I chose this site because of the mix of personalities here.

You may wish to believe this is about control on my part, but I do not. Perhaps my communication was not clear or perhaps people just read between the lines and applied their own ethics or traits to the situation. If this was about control I wouldn’t be on here asking for advice. I’d have moved on. To tar me with this brush is to not approach the situation with compassion.

One of the posts mentioned that I am trying to equate myself with God in my boyfriend’s eyes. Whilst a lot of the understanding I received from people here makes sense and makes me nod my head, that comment widened my eyes.

I do not want him to put me before God, ever, my goodness! And I hope he would never ask me to put him before God, but I understand why it may seem like that to you and to him.

I thought How bloody dare I do that.

The fact that he has considered my viewpoint as much as I have considered his makes me smile. This was a guy who blushed at the word sex and the fact that we can now discuss our feelings and thoughts openly is testament, I think, to how great our relationship is.

I don’t like the argument – lot’s of marriages fail if you have pre-marital sex – it’s a weak argument. It’s weakened more when my parents are 30 years into a marriage and practiced sex before they wed.

I’ve answered some specific replies below. All the responses have been insightful, not just about my situation but the personalities here and the website itself.

Catholics are just like everyone else, really, when it comes to judgement.

I’m not going to say what we have decided. That wasn’t the point of my post, really, it was to help us to reach a decision.

Thank you.

Imperfect,
And the other item I wanted to point…marriage does not cancel out sin. This is a mistake in thinking that a lot of people make. It doesn’t make it ok to fornicate and that when you marry that will just wash it all away. Instead…you take that sin with you into marriage and you will pay for it.

I didn’t make myself clear here. I was trying to say that sex inside marriage is not a sin, therefore marriage cancels out the sin. In short – if we do not have sex until we are married there is no sin because marriage makes the sex aspect not a sin.

If you love him - marry him. Have sex after. It’s really not that big a deal to wait. And if you question his commitment or whatever because you have not had sex with him prior to marriage, you have MUCH bigger issues than this to deal with.

I’m starting to question why in the world such a devout man would want to get involved with someone who feels so differently than he does. Why would he want to constantly have to qualify his Faith at every turn, when he’s having to do so before the wedding even happens?

I know this is harsh - but this is the Truth. You can try to justify your way around it any way you like - but it does not change reality.

~Liza

We plan to marry but there’s a huge ocean between us at the moment and we need to sort out visas etc before we can take our vows.

Feel free to question him and pass judgement. He doesn’t have to constantly justify his faith to me at all, and I do not have to justify mine to him. I don’t believe I implied that. He has to justify his actions to God, as do I.

You are harsh and I can take that. But I would like to say to you specifically - keep in mind that I joined a catholic forum for advice and guidance. That should tell you something about how much I respect him and his religion. There is a difference between guiding and advising and lecturing and passing judgement.

 

[imperfect]

Hi again, imperfect;

May I ask – do you feel like something is lacking in your relationship (like a sense of feeling loved) by your bf’s stance on permarital sex? I ask because you look at sex (in your relationship) as being an extension of love as you post…but, is it an extension, or might you feel that sex will *confirm *that he loves you? That’s an important distinction to make. My husband was ‘active’ before me, and I was waiting for marriage–so he was not used to a woman ‘holding back,’ or ‘being reserved.’ He felt a little uneasy about that during our courtship, but then he grew to accept that it actually made our bond stronger. My husband had been chaste for a few years leading up to meeting me–per wanting to live his life more for God. But, when he realized ‘I was the one,’ he didn’t see anything wrong with having sex, even though we were just engaged and not married. He had some struggles because in his mind–this is how a person confirms his/her love for one another. No, a person confirms his/her love through marriage–making a lifelong commitment to one another. Glad we waited–were his sentiments. (and so am I)

And so will you be. Please trust me/us.

My goodness. I cried reading this. This is exactly it. I know he’s the one and I believe that I am the one for him (he tells me and shows me often enough!) and because of that fact I think it’s right for us to take our relationship to this level. I have only slept with one man and I have been chaste for a number of years because sex means something to me and I only want to share this with some I love and who loves me.

Thank you so much for this comment. You have no idea.

This is one of the most important decisions you will ever make: whom to marry. You already know that sleeping with someone is no guarantee their love for you will become permanent, irrevocable and exclusive. And by removing your boyfriend from the grace of God through sin, every choice he makes concerning you will be clouded by sin and made without the grace of God.

I do not already know any such thing.

Whilst you quote “lots of marriages fail for people who have entered into sex before marriage” the reverse is also true. My parents are a fine example of this.

I am not saying it is right or wrong, I’m just saying that argument doesn’t wash.

You’ve been dating for two years.

You’re both in your mid twenties.

You “have absolute faith that you will be married and together.”

Question: Where’s the ring and when’s the wedding date?

You’ve emphasized how slowly & carefully you’ve proceded to plan your fornication, but has he proposed? It ain’t “pre-marriage intimacy” if there’s no upcoming marriage!

Look, I get it, I’ve been there–chock full o’hormones and really, really turned on by the guy. There is a reason for this–to compel us to join together and make babies! So why not get married and start enjoying the privileges of marriage?

He gave me a promise ring. I mentioned the big ocean between us, there are logistical things we have to resolve before we can set a date, however I have a sneaky feeling that engagement will be soon (as my dad told me my boyfriend called him and has had a silly grin on his face every since.)

It is belittling to equate sex, or my desire to bond with him in this way, to hormones. If we were driven by lust we would have had sex long ago.

(This is Stephanie’s husband writing.) ]

You’re wrong.

Bad cop here…

I hope this thread serves as an illustration of the dangers of believers getting involved with pagans. They just don’t get it. That’s not to say we shouldn’t all try to get along or love each other, but they labor under an entirely different set of “values” than we do. I’ve been there, and I know as well as anyone that as nice and “good” (in the worldly sense) as they are, spiritual matters are incomprehensible to them.

I weep for the guy involved in this. Given what we know about him, it sounds like he has no support whatsoever. He’s all alone. May God protect him.

Goodness.

I pray for you.

 

[StratusRose]

Nobody was passing judgment on you. They were being honest and forthcoming. It will be of no benefit to you to beat around the bush.

Look at the statistics of pre-marital sex and divorce. They will astound you. There are always exceptions, and your parents are one of many but that does not make it okay. Just look at the divorce rate and how it correlates with sexual promiscuity.

 

[whatevergirl]

imperfect–I’m sorry you cried reading my post (but happy to see that possibly we are growing closer to the real reason)

Your bf sounds like he loves you. Sex won’t confirm that more–and if anything–your bf might grow to resent you, if you end up rushing things together. If you do not sense that he loves you as much as you love him–sex will not change that. Sex will not create trust in a relationship–oddly enough, from what my old college friends used to tell me–it actually causes a lack of trust. Possibly, because if this person sleeps with me before marriage–who might else he be willing to do that with, might be the conclusion that runs through people’s minds. I don’t know?

I think that for all of us–there are a myriad of insecurities that come along with relationships. People sometimes don’t even know they have these ‘issues’ until they are knee deep in love. So, knowing this about yourself, as I sensed in your reply–do the right thing for you and him, and just wait to get married before having sex. In the meantime, strengthen your trust in this man you love. Imagine if you both could not have sex, due to a physical limitation–then what? Sex will not act like a magic wand–and bring into your relationship the trust that you need to have in your bf saying he loves you. I used to have trust issues regarding men–for a variety of reasons that I won’t bore you with on here. But, make that vow to yourself about being chaste. A man’s love for you, also, is not more important than God’s Word. I think it’s great that you have found a ‘holy’ guy to be with–and trust me–it will be worth the wait. I promise.

(((hugs))) to you. Just rinse and repeat everything said here-a few times per day.

 

[whatevergirl]

imprefect said —>My goodness. I cried reading this. This is exactly it. I know he’s the one and I believe that I am the one for him (he tells me and shows me often enough!) and because of that fact I think it’s right for us to take our relationship to this level. I have only slept with one man and I have been chaste for a number of years because sex means something to me and I only want to share this with some I love and who loves me.

Oh, one more thing imperfect (and you thought we were done hee hee)–the ‘next level’ is marriage, not sex. Think to the future–and imagine teaching your daughter or son about sex some day. Would you teach your daughter to have sex before marriage, if she is in love–or would you caution her to wait? Sometimes, when we think about transferring our values onto our kids–our values take an abrupt about face. Believe me, the time will come when you will have these chats. I can sit with my kids and tell them–I waited. And if I hadn’t waited, I would explain that mommy should have waited–but waiting until marriage is the best blessings. So, either way, we have to have these talks with our kids–but you’re at a crossroads, think beyond now, and think 10 years from now. Or 15–and your teenage daughter is asking you if you and daddy ‘did it’ before marriage. Think about that conversation, and maybe that will help you have a better feel for what you should do.

Above all–God is watching. He sees it all, and wants His best for your life. Sometimes, we think we know best, but we don’t. Feeling good comes and goes–but being holy is everlasting, imperfect. Remember–there are three in your relationship(or should be) God, you and your bf. (or husband some day) When you leave out God–the relationship will not be as positive as it could be. Seriously–please trust me on that. I know–my husband and I drifted away from the Lord about 8 years ago, and were separated for a time…so, God needs to be part of your relationship. Ok, now I’m done.

 

[Becky42]

mind you, a good lecture never goes astray when guiding and advising of the really only true and correct path for both of you whether you realise it or not is not working so well…

please dont ask him to compromise his faith, even if he does agree to it, for some people, i find especially guys, in relationto sex, there is only so far they can be pushed until they give in to it, and i think that is what he is doing, giving in to you because he loves you. but you are showing him exactly how much you dont love him because of what your asking him to do.

as a person who made the mistake of having sex with someone i loved when in a long term relationship previously, i can tell you it ruined us…it was like we were married but not…and he fulfilled some aspects of being married but not all of them and the same with me for him and both of us ended up fighting over it because of it. you cant make a sec commitment without a marriage commitment cos it completely messes you up…and then…of course we eventually broke up because it became to much and i was became depresed…yikes…dont put yourself through that. you could ruin the ideal marriage you could have by going ahead and having sex once!

plus to be honest, before you are married and if you are having sex, its really not that good! there is wayy to much worry about other things, the minute the afterglow of the encounter is over, you are worried about the million things that could go wrong because you had sex. it totally ruins the satisfaction and awesome thing that sex should be!

think about your wedding night. how amazing would it be for the two of you to look at each other naked for the first time and share that first moment together as a married couple…wow…even though i have lost my viginity and greatly regret it i am living a chaste life with my current boyfriend and we both cant wait for that day!! dont open the presents before christmas!!

 

[Becky42]

Imagine if you both could not have sex, due to a physical limitation–then what? Sex will not act like a magic wand–and bring into your relationship the trust that you need to have in your bf saying he loves you.

i just have to say i love the way you have put that. wow! makes perfect sense!

 

[whatevergirl]

i just have to say i love the way you have put that. wow! makes perfect sense!

Thanks Becky–I also liked you saying “don’t open the presents before Christmas!”

imperfect–ok, one more thing. God designed sex. I encourage you to read the book–Sex & Responsibility by Pope JP2. He was a master writer–and really puts into perspective a Christian perspective (not just a Catholic one) on sexuality–and how it was designed by God. God did not design sex as a litmus test to see if two people really love each other. He designed it to be procreative and unitive in the context of a marriage. He didn’t design it for us to ‘test’ our relationships with. All this takes is a shift of perspective on your part. Not that how you ‘feel’ is wrong. Feelings are neither wrong or right–they are just feelings. But, we can’t live our lives based on feelings. Sometimes, we have to do the right thing–and override our feelings–even if it hurts or confuses us.

I promise I’m done now. At least for a while. hahaha

 

[DL82]

I just think the most important thing is that you respect eachother, and can talk about it. It’s clear from your post that you are able to discuss these issues like adults, and that you care about your boyfriend’s beliefs. That’s better than I could ever say I did.

It’s often far easier for the one who says yes to respect the one who says no, and just go along with that, but if you keep going down that route, as my ex and I did, then you end up saying no to everything and doing nothing with your lives, and then you end up resenting eachother.

Yes, sometimes marriage involves compromise, and sometimes it even involves compromising on things we feel passionately about, the important thing is that neither partner feels they are forced to compromise on something that makes them who they are.

Ask yourself this: did you fall in love with your boyfriend for who he is or for who you could turn him into? I believe it was for who he is, so you have to respect the things which make him who he is, including his moral standards. It’s also very clear to me that your boyfriend loves you for who you are, including your openness to intimacy, and you should be grateful for that.

 

[JimG]

OH MY GOODNESS…are you actually telling me that that movie KINSEY i watched the other night on tv and was appalled by was actually a true story??? are you kdding me…far out sometimes i think our world is going down a sinkhole fast…

This is of topic, but you might want to see the article for some background on the real Kinsey.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

You already know that sleeping with someone is no guarantee their love for you will become permanent, irrevocable and exclusive. And by removing your boyfriend from the grace of God through sin, every choice he makes concerning you will be clouded by sin and made without the grace of God.

I repeat this because YOU did say you had been with someone else and unless I missed something, you did not marry them. So again, sleeping with that person didn’t guarantee and solidify your love for him and his love for you.

don’t like the argument – lot’s of marriages fail if you have pre-marital sex – it’s a weak argument. It’s weakened more when my parents are 30 years into a marriage and practiced sex before they wed.

It’s not a weak argument for couples whose marriages failed because they did not show each other before they were married that they had self control and respect for marriage vows. But unfortunately, it’s only a regret you can have in 20/20 hindsight, when it’s too late to fix things.

As for your parents… it’s nice that their relationship survived that. But exceptions only prove the rule.

 

[MCGar]

Ok, here goes Imperfect. Please appreciate the honesty that I’m about to share about myself.

I have my best friend and my only love all wrapped up into one. I met him about a year and a half after I decided to revert to Catholicism. On the first date we ‘knew’ and he said he wanted to take things slowly. But, like any unruly child I went back on my own Faith, new Beliefs, my own morals and went 100 mph into intimacy (about 3 months into the relationship).
He had his own internal caution regarding this because he knew of my own journey into the faith, but as a non-Catholic Christian seeker his thoughts were that I make my own decisions.

I struggled with this so much. My rationalization was that I ‘knew’ we were going to get married and I could be in communion with the Church after we married.

I ended up slowly but surely going to Mass less and less. It didn’t matter that no one ever brought up the hypocrasy in my Faith and my actions, it didn’t matter that our intimacy was always an expression of our commitment and the love in our hearts. It didn’t matter that I felt it cemented us together. It didn’t even matter that*** I*** was the one to not only agree to this but to also seek it out as if I had made peace with it. I really actually believed that I was ok with it.

Actually I believed almost everything that you’ve written out in your posts.

The issue with me was that I lived as a nominal ignorant Catholic most of my life. I was used to ‘saying’ I was Catholic and living just as I pleased. It was darn hard for me to find out about the Church and actually commit my heart to it.
Even with my new shaky hold on my faith my knowledge of what is True never could be buried deep enough.

Think about that, I am a barely above lukewarm Catholic who couldn’t reconcile my actions with the Truth.

Your boyfriend sounds like his heart has already been with the Truth for a while. How long do you think he’ll be able to bury his knowledge of himself and the Truth that he’s come to know?
How long will it be before you are going to ask him, “You don’t think what we did was a mistake do you?” That question WILL come, even if it’s not verbal.
My boyfriend asked me that, and my head and heart and SOUL screamed the Truth no matter how much I didn’t want to hurt him. That was a hurt we both could’ve avoided. It was a NEEDLESS hurt that I could have prevented my love by just realizing that I didn’t have to make such right feelings wrong by applying them with my fallible actions.
How long do you think your boyfriend will feel respect for himself and his own convictions?
If he’s anything like me, he will be content and even soar high in the air with his love for a while, but his own knowledge will always be there and it won’t go away no matter if you marry a month later, a week later or even a day later.

I finally talked to my boyfriend and told him that I didn’t want to anymore. He asked me, “Do you want me to be passive in this decision or be the enforcer?”

That’s how I know I can trust him. I’m completely safe and secure that he will protect my faith just as long as I have conviction in my own beliefs and be willing to follow the Truth I know. He like you, does not know the Truth the Catholic Church teaches (by that I mean, a complete understanding that is beyond the superficial), but he will support me in my beliefs even though he had no solid background in knowing about the Church.

More than once during our relationship, he’d already said that he would abstain until marriage, he was giving me opportunities left and right to stop. And maybe you have that same idea. It really doesn’t work unless you actually stop yourself.

Well, the end of my story is that my non-Catholic, non-baptized, non-Christian background boyfriend no longer seeks intimacy with me. He stops any and all PG, PG-13 intimacies that lead to ‘temptation’. I trust him in a way I didn’t before. He’s a safe haven for me in a way I didn’t realize he could be.

My question to you is; Can you be that safe haven for your boyfriend? Can you be his strength? Can you take what I shared here and realize that your boyfriend might be fully ‘convinced’ that it’s alright to be intimate with you but still ‘know’ the Truth about it? Will you be there to help him avoid that hurt?

The thing I regret the MOST about my intimacy with my boyfriend was that he (before he met me) was seeking out Christian theology. He was in particular looking into the Catholic faith and I popped into his life as someone that should’ve been his Catholic example. I know his journey was hindered by my own actions and he’d be so much farther down the Catholic path if it wasn’t for me. How could I be so callous with him?

 

[MCGar]

P.S. my boyfriend and I are actively saving for a wedding. But even knowing of a near-future wedding still didn’t make what we did any easier to take (deep down).

There is an interview I think on Catholic Answers radio about a couple that went through basically the same thing I did. They are married now and teach about abstainance, maybe you could look through the archives about this topic.

 

[Maria1212]

Well, the end of my story is that my non-Catholic, non-baptized, non-Christian background boyfriend no longer seeks intimacy with me. He stops any and all PG, PG-13 intimacies that lead to ‘temptation’. I trust him in a way I didn’t before. He’s a safe haven for me in a way I didn’t realize he could be.

My question to you is; Can you be that safe haven for your boyfriend? Can you be his strength? Can you take what I shared here and realize that your boyfriend might be fully ‘convinced’ that it’s alright to be intimate with you but still ‘know’ the Truth about it? Will you be there to help him avoid that hurt?

The thing I regret the MOST about my intimacy with my boyfriend was that he (before he met me) was seeking out Christian theology. He was in particular looking into the Catholic faith and I popped into his life as someone that should’ve been his Catholic example. I know his journey was hindered by my own actions and he’d be so much farther down the Catholic path if it wasn’t for me. How could I be so callous with him?

This is such a beautiful post. Thank you for having the courage and strength to share it with others. And thank you for allowing your mistakes to be “an opportunity to learn” for others. You have set a wonderful example for many people on this thread by taking a risk, and sharing what you wrote.

Sincerely,

Maria1212

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Dear Imperfect,

I hope you read this before any you make any decisions. I’ve been meaning to write something, but I haven’t been able to find the right words. I did not want to sound too preachy, because as a Priest once told me, if you do not use the correct words, you can turn a person away, and get the wrong outcome. So I will try to speak to you as if you were my close friend or younger sister.

Sexual intimacy is considered truly sacred by God. It is where we cooperate with God in creating new life. It is supposed to be holy. Unfortunately, the holy can be easily profaned.

I will try to talk to you about, “safe sex” (for the lack of a better phrase) And I don’t mean “safe” as in contracepted sex. I mean emotionally safe. When we are intimate with someone, a strong emotional bond happens. We become attached to that person and we end up feeling closer and various other feelings. I really believe that (unless someone is totally jaded) feeling bonded to someone because of sexuality is inevitable. These feelings are not “safe” outside of marriage. When you are married, you know that your partner has made a promise to you, a covenant. And sexuality shows that the bond, the promise actually exist.

What do you want from this man? Do you want him to love you because of you, because of the good qualities that you have? Do you want him to love you for ever, and to be with you through the happy, pappy times, but also through the times when you just cannot get along, but you know that your promise to each other is irrevocable.

If you sleep together before marriage, he will feel bonded to you, and you will feel bonded to him…but do you want him to stay with you because of guilt? Do you want to stay with him because of guilt? Or do you want him to love you freely, with no strings attached. Do you want to love him freely, not because that you were his “first”?

And on a logistical level, you live on separate continents, do you want to introduce the element of jealousy to your relationship? How will you feel when the e-mail is late, the phone call is late, after having been intimate. Because at some point, one of you has to go back home. When you are married, you know that you go home together.

And also on a logistical level, what if you become pregnant? Contraceptives fail often. Do you want your future baby conceived out of love in a committed married relationship… or do you want your future baby, even for one second, to be considered a problem?

I hope you read this, and try to understand my meaning. I truly want the best for you and for him.

 

[Markstorm]

He takes his vow not to engage in sex before marriage very seriously. I have somehow come to equate him breaking that vow as a demonstration of his commitment to me – this is NOT something he would do if he did not have faith in our relationship and his feelings for me.

You are actually encouraging him to turn away from his faith and fulfill your wishes instead. Wow. I hesitate to call this a power play from you, because it’s far more serious and disturbing than an act of insecurity. You aren’t just trying to exert control over him - you are willing to make him sell out his own conscience to do it. Do you still have your own, or are you sleeping well at night?

 

[AnnaPerry]

He takes his vow not to engage in sex before marriage very seriously. I have somehow come to equate him breaking that vow as a demonstration of his commitment to me

Hi, please think carefully about this, I think your boyfriend may resent you in the future if he feels pressured into doing something against his faith. He may have convinced himself that he is ok about sex before marriage, but I do not get the impression that he is truly comfortable or really believes that. I feel sure that ultimately he will respect you more if you stand your ground and insist he follow his beliefs. Showing your unconditional support on an issue that is so important to him will show him your love and commitment are selfless and real. I know it’s hard but I really think that waiting will pay off in the long run.