Pregnancy and marital relations

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Maine52

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I’m 11 weeks pregnant and the symptoms are worsening and really dragging me down. I’ve got extreme fatigue, often to the point that I feel out of breath and can barely sit without nodding off; nausea/vomitting; and stray symptoms of a cold I caught a few weeks ago. All in all, I’m feeling pretty rotten.

DH has been great about helping with our 2.5 year old DD when I ask him to. He does so cheerfully and without complaining most of the time.

Until yesterday and this morning when I was feeling particularly bad and asked for help. He helped but did so with a sigh, as if he were annoyed that I was asking. I tried to be understanding and not let it bother me, realizing he’s human and can’t be 100% all the time. At the same time, though, I’m recovering from a bout of pre-natal depression, and I’m doing better but my mental health is not exactly at its all-time high. And I guess the annoyance he expressed, however slight, was difficult for me to deal with.

What was more difficult for me to deal with was last night, I apologized for not being up for intimacy in a while (about a week or so), and he just said, “Are you up for it now?” And I said no, and he just said okay in a disappointed way. And then this morning, I was telling him how I appreciated everything he was doing to help and was getting a bit flirtatious, and he just made a half-joking comment along the lines of “Well, we’re never going to be intimate again.” And I said, “Oh, I’m sorry…” And he just said, “Well, it’s true.” in a way that was joking but serious too.

Sigh

So on one hand, I will have plenty of people on here tell me that I need to suck it up and be a good wife and be available to my husband no matter what because there’s the marital debt to be repaid. And honestly, that’s what I plan to do. It’s just when I’m exhausted, nauseous, easily fall prey to coughing fits and just overall feel like @&!%#, I have a really hard time engaging in the marital act without feeling used or taken advantage of, even though I realize that is not DH’s intention. When I’m feeling terrible and force myself to be up for relations out of obligation, it’s just not a turn on. 🤷

I guess this is a rant more than anything. DH is a good husband. Right now I just can’t help feeling aggravated at him.
 
Maine52 said:
I’m 11 weeks pregnant and the symptoms are worsening and really dragging me down. I’ve got extreme fatigue, often to the point that I feel out of breath and can barely sit without nodding off; nausea/vomitting; and stray symptoms of a cold I caught a few weeks ago. All in all, I’m feeling pretty rotten.

DH has been great about helping with our 2.5 year old DD when I ask him to. He does so cheerfully and without complaining most of the time.

Until yesterday and this morning when I was feeling particularly bad and asked for help. He helped but did so with a sigh, as if he were annoyed that I was asking. I tried to be understanding and not let it bother me, realizing he’s human and can’t be 100% all the time. At the same time, though, I’m recovering from a bout of pre-natal depression, and I’m doing better but my mental health is not exactly at its all-time high. And I guess the annoyance he expressed, however slight, was difficult for me to deal with.

What was more difficult for me to deal with was last night, I apologized for not being up for intimacy in a while (about a week or so), and he just said, “Are you up for it now?” And I said no, and he just said okay in a disappointed way. And then this morning, I was telling him how I appreciated everything he was doing to help and was getting a bit flirtatious, and he just made a half-joking comment along the lines of “Well, we’re never going to be intimate again.” And I said, “Oh, I’m sorry…” And he just said, “Well, it’s true.” in a way that was joking but serious too.

Sigh

So on one hand, I will have plenty of people on here tell me that I need to suck it up and be a good wife and be available to my husband no matter what because there’s the marital debt to be repaid. And honestly, that’s what I plan to do. It’s just when I’m exhausted, nauseous, easily fall prey to coughing fits and just overall feel like @&!%#, I have a really hard time engaging in the marital act without feeling used or taken advantage of, even though I realize that is not DH’s intention. When I’m feeling terrible and force myself to be up for relations out of obligation, it’s just not a turn on. 🤷

I guess this is a rant more than anything. DH is a good husband. Right now I just can’t help feeling aggravated at him.
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I’d give him a pass on the sighing, but call him out on the "“Well, we’re never going to be intimate again.” You had all of one or two weeks “off.” That’s not “never” and it’s immature of him to to talk about “never” having marital relations again.

If it comes up again when you’re feeling unwell, ask him (calmly and without recrimination) something like, “Do I insist on marital relations when you have a tummy bug or the flu?” or “Do you want me to vomit on you?” or “Do you really believe that, honey?” And then make an effort when you’re not feeling sick. If you’re a typical woman, it’s just a matter of weeks now and the nausea should start winding down. Remind him of that. (If you’re one of those unfortunates that get nausea throughout pregnancy, bummer!)

Good luck!
 
Xantippe said:
something like, “Do I insist on marital relations when you have a tummy bug or the flu?” or “Do you want me to vomit on you?”
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For many men, these are not really relevant concerns. A tummy bug - no problem. A bit of vomit - I’ll cope. Here, let me be a loving husband and go fetch a sick bag for you.

On a more serious note - the desire for marital intimacy is in itself a healthy thing. His frustration is understandable and I’d cut him a little slack. Try to assure him that you desire intimacy too and share his frustration.

And based on what you’ve said, he seems to be handling this pretty well. The odd sigh or frustrated comment is probably healthier than bottling it up.
 
It stuck out to me that after describing how wonderful your husband has been, you say that you “feel used” if you have sex when you aren’t 100% up to it. Would a man who was “using you” marry you, start a family with you, and take such good care of your daughter and you while you feel so crummy? Whether you have sex with him or not, you really should get the idea that your husband and the father of your children is out to “use you” for sex.

Think of it this way, you recognize that he can’t always be 100%, but he’s helping you out anyway. Would you want him to feel as though you’re “using him” by asking for his help even when he’s exhausted? Of course not! And you aren’t using him, you’re relying on your husband to care for the family when you’re at your most vulnerable. That’s part of the marriage territory.

So is sex. Don’t have sex if you’re too sick - and from the sounds of it he’s a great guy who doesn’t push, but when you aren’t too sick, make a real effort for him, even if you’re tired and not 100%. In 2 weeks there was really no time or energy to reconnect with him sexually? Could you talk to your doctor about positions that would be more comfortable? It sounds weird, but when hubby was in chemo the hospital gave us great advice on how to maintain a sex life through sickness and harsh treatment. They may have advice for you.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
So is sex. Don’t have sex if you’re too sick - and from the sounds of it he’s a great guy who doesn’t push, but when you aren’t too sick, make a real effort for him, even if you’re tired and not 100%. In 2 weeks there was really no time or energy to reconnect with him sexually?
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There is a real risk that the OP would start vomiting at an inopportune moment given motion, exertion, odors, etc.

2nd trimester is usually much better for this sort of thing and 2nd trimester is really, really close.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
It stuck out to me that after describing how wonderful your husband has been, you say that you “feel used” if you have sex when you aren’t 100% up to it. Would a man who was “using you” marry you, start a family with you, and take such good care of your daughter and you while you feel so crummy? Whether you have sex with him or not, you really should get the idea that your husband and the father of your children is out to “use you” for sex.

Think of it this way, you recognize that he can’t always be 100%, but he’s helping you out anyway. Would you want him to feel as though you’re “using him” by asking for his help even when he’s exhausted? Of course not! And you aren’t using him, you’re relying on your husband to care for the family when you’re at your most vulnerable. That’s part of the marriage territory.

So is sex. Don’t have sex if you’re too sick - and from the sounds of it he’s a great guy who doesn’t push, but when you aren’t too sick, make a real effort for him, even if you’re tired and not 100%. In 2 weeks there was really no time or energy to reconnect with him sexually? Could you talk to your doctor about positions that would be more comfortable? It sounds weird, but when hubby was in chemo the hospital gave us great advice on how to maintain a sex life through sickness and harsh treatment. They may have advice for you.
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How exactly am I supposed to feel when I can barely catch my breath, am trying not to puke, and don’t feel strong enough to even get out of bed to go to the bathroom…and then force myself to “be in the mood” because after one week - not two - he says we’ll never be intimate again when he KNOWS how bad I’ve been feeling? It’s much more than not 100% up to sex. It’s not the same as “Oh, I have a little bit of a headache.” I feel AWFUL.

No, he’s not deliberately trying to just use me for his own sexual gratification. I know that full well. But can you see where I would feel that way?

No matter. It’s all on me. I’m just supposed to suck it up and force myself when I feel terrible. Thank you for helping me see the error of my ways. Goodbye!
 
Offering a prayer for you both.
God grant you both peace and recovery for the toll taken on you both for pregnancy and emotional health issues.

When one person becomes depressed it doesn’t take long to affect the others in a family, so God grant that you and your husband are able to recover from the depression and suffering
and both feel and find joy again.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
It stuck out to me that after describing how wonderful your husband has been, you say that you “feel used” if you have sex when you aren’t 100% up to it. Would a man who was “using you” marry you, start a family with you, and take such good care of your daughter and you while you feel so crummy? Whether you have sex with him or not, you really should get the idea that your husband and the father of your children is out to “use you” for sex.

Think of it this way, you recognize that he can’t always be 100%, but he’s helping you out anyway. Would you want him to feel as though you’re “using him” by asking for his help even when he’s exhausted? Of course not! And you aren’t using him, you’re relying on your husband to care for the family when you’re at your most vulnerable. That’s part of the marriage territory.

So is sex. Don’t have sex if you’re too sick - and from the sounds of it he’s a great guy who doesn’t push, but when you aren’t too sick, make a real effort for him, even if you’re tired and not 100%. **In 2 weeks there was really no time or energy to reconnect with him sexually? ** Could you talk to your doctor about positions that would be more comfortable? It sounds weird, but when hubby was in chemo the hospital gave us great advice on how to maintain a sex life through sickness and harsh treatment. They may have advice for you.
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Honestly, I really think I did the best I could. It’s not like every waking moment is available for sex. He works during the day and we have a daughter to care for. So in one week - not two - I had intentions to have intimacy after DD went to bed several times but when the time came, I was just too sick. So, no, in 7 days there really wasn’t a time to reconnect sexually. Sorry. I tried. I failed.

Yes, he’s wonderful. I thank God every day for him. But he’s not perfect. Even the most wonderful of people sometimes make mistakes. He hurt my feelings with his “We’ll probably never be intimate again” comment after it’s been one week and I’m doing the best I can.

Am I really so in the wrong here?
 
Maine52 said:
Am I really so in the wrong here?
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No one has said you are. 🤷

I certainly don’t get that from BlueEyedLady’s post - she is a longterm contributer here and always constructive in her advice, so I’d suggest you try to read her posts in the most positive light you can.

I do agree with her that the notion of your husband “using you” is unfounded. Even if you *feel *that way, you should try to reject such thoughts as they are unhelpful and most likely unfair. Try to experience this difficult time as a team, as a shared frustration, and avoid placing any sort of blame on each other. It will pass - hopefully sooner than later.
 
I think you need to be gentle with yourself and with DH. Let him know that you’re frustrated too, but I would call him out on those sorts of statements - even if he doesn’t mean to, they sound blame-y. And when you do feel better, make any extra effort you can for him. (I may be weird in this regard, but I am willing to be woken up after a couple hours’ sleep and that works a lot better than right before bed if I’ve been exceptionally tired or sick.)

If you’re very, very sick, see what help your care provider can offer. I had hyperemesis during my second pregnancy and it was truly awful. Getting treatment meant functioning.
 
:hugs: to the OP. Remembering my first trimester (and a good chunk of my second) I can easily imagine a week or two stretch where you were just to sick for sex. I can definitely see why you would feel used, I’d feel the same way myself. Still I would try to let go of your thoughts, they’ll just breed more resentment and make you feel worse about the situation. Easier said than done I know. 😛

Have you tried telling your husband that he hurt you with that comment? I’m sure he’s a great man and that this has been hard on him but it’s not like you’re having all that great a time either. It just seems mean to make your sick pregnant wife feel bad about things she can’t control. 😛
 
Sen said:
Have you tried telling your husband that he hurt you with that comment? I’m sure he’s a great man and that this has been hard on him but it’s not like you’re having all that great a time either. It just seems mean to make your sick pregnant wife feel bad about things she can’t control. 😛
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Right–she doesn’t WANT to be sick.
 
Xantippe said:
Right–she doesn’t WANT to be sick.
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Ha…I can just picture a man throwing his arms in the air in frustration saying “it’s like you WANT to be sick”.

Which BTW is a more extreme/dramatic version of what may actually be going through his head - “she doesn’t seem to even want to be with me”. His sighs and comments may reflect a need for some affirmation and assurance, rather than merely expressing a physical frustration. I wouldn’t be too quick to confront him on his comments. Patience on both sides is needed.
 
underacloud said:
Ha…I can just picture a man throwing his arms in the air in frustration saying “it’s like you WANT to be sick”.

Which BTW is a more extreme/dramatic version of what may actually be going through his head - “she doesn’t seem to even want to be with me”. His sighs and comments may reflect a need for some affirmation and assurance, rather than merely expressing a physical frustration. I wouldn’t be too quick to confront him on his comments. Patience on both sides is needed.
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Thinking back to the last time I had a tummy bug, I “didn’t even want to” eat real food.

Nothing sounded edible beyond saltines and maybe some chicken noodle soup and I probably managed to throw those up a few times. Nothing really sounded good beyond lying in bed alone with a laptop and not moving.

Fortunately, nobody was around to give me grief for “not even wanting” to eat That’s what it means to be sick–you don’t enjoy things that you normally would enjoy. And deo gratias, my husband was not poking me demanding “marital rights.” (UGH!)

It’s just mean to guilt a sickly person for being sick.
 
OP: Chill. It’s true, I’m not known for telling people what they want to hear. But, I didn’t tell you to lie back and think of England because he’s the lord of the estate and he gets what he wants. I told you to make sure that you’re doing the best you can and to give your husband the credit he deserves.

I get that you feel sick. Talk to the Dr. about it. If nothing can be done, at least you tried. If you feel OK, but fear that you might get sick from the motion, communicate that to your husband and try to find something that works. If you do get sick, stop. But make it a priority, even if it isn’t always possible. Knowing that you’re trying will make dry spells less lonely and hurtful for him.

Do you ever hear people say that now that the baby is here, they’re having the sex of a lifetime? Or when they have a toddler? Or a toddler and an infant? Or three kids? Or during menopause? Or old age? There is never a perfect time, but it’s better to make it a point to make it important from the beginning, because it’s a lot harder to rekindle a marriage than it is to keep it strong from the start. Maybe your husband just fears that it’s only going to get harder from here? And it might.🤷

You should never have sex if you’re actively sick. But you should find creative times and ways to do it when you get a rare chance.
 
Xantippe said:
It’s just mean to guilt a sickly person for being sick.
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Sure, but I’d note two things:
  1. The OP described her husband’s annoyances as slight and half-joking.
  2. Even if he is in the wrong, she needs to consider a pragmatic and helpful approach to this.
Confronting him on his comments and asking him to keep his feelings to himself does not seem helpful to me at this time. Both parties need to try to see things from the other’s perspective. But since the OP’s husband is not here, and the OP is, we can only really address how she can act. I would think a confrontational approach will breed confrontation, while patience and gentleness will breed patience and gentleness.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
Do you ever hear people say that now that the baby is here, they’re having the sex of a lifetime? Or when they have a toddler? Or a toddler and an infant? Or three kids? Or during menopause? Or old age? There is never a perfect time, but it’s better to make it a point to make it important from the beginning, because it’s a lot harder to rekindle a marriage than it is to keep it strong from the start. Maybe your husband just fears that it’s only going to get harder from here? And it might.🤷
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Yes, his concerns may be driven by a lot more than merely the current lack of intimacy.

His comments may seem annoying right now, but he is trying to communicate with you. Don’t shut that down. Keep communication going. Keep it constructive - even if his side of it doesn’t seem as constructive as it could be. Keep talking, keep reassuring each other.
 
Okay everyone. All is well.

After DD went to bed, I sat down with DH and told him very gently and calmly that his “never” comment didn’t set well with me. He assured me he was truly just kidding and didn’t mean anything by it, but also that he did understand how it could have sounded bad and he understood why I was upset. He apologized and assured me he understood that I didn’t feel well and he wasn’t frustrated with me. I thanked him for everything he’s done to help and also asked him if I was contributing enough, and he said I was. I’m also feeling much better, so…well, no more details here. 😃

I should have just talked to him about it and cleared everything up instead of ranting about it on CAF. Thank you all for your comments.

Blue Eyed Lady, please accept my apology. I overreacted. Thank you for your insights.
 
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