Pregnancy Outside of Marriage

[crunchycatholic]

I am really struggling with this lately. When did it become OK for women to get pregnant outside of marriage and everyone be all excited and happy? I honestly don’t know what to do. It is a family member in college, living at home. I don’t know how to act or react to the situation. Sure I pray. But what can I do? The situation is such a mess. Family members seem to be all playing the "its no big deal’ game from where I sit. She is still living at home, still going to school and being provided for… almost enabled to continue her sinful life. I don’t know how not to judge the situation. My husband and I do not condone her actions… she is a professed cradle Catholic. We are Catholic. We want to help her but how does one help someone who doesn’t want to change? I have never been in a situation like this before in my life. I need guidance here. I don’t even know what to say or do. We will be visiting home for a while in January, and I am not looking forward to it. My husband and I are happily married for the past 4 years and have a 2 year old boy and one on the way.

Please help.

 

[Debora123]

The coming of a new life is always worthy of a celebration, even when it’s out of wedlock. You should be proud of her for not getting an abortion, despite the situation she’s in. I’m sure she was very worried and scared when she first found out, but her family is supporting her for not having had an abortion and celebrating the new life that will be coming into the world. She is lucky, a lot of families pressure their daughters into getting abortions when they are young and pregnant. Her family’s reaction is a good thing.

 

[crunchycatholic]

I am glad that she is not getting an abortion. We offered to adopt the child if she ever she wanted to pursue that route. She is not young. She is 23. How do we be supportive without enabling her to continue in sin? A new life is a blessing in deed. But continuing to live the life she has is not good for her or for that new baby coming into the world. I guess I don’t know how to be supportive without letting her think that what she is doing is ok???

 

[Steel_Pinwheel]

I am really struggling with this lately. When did it become OK for women to get pregnant outside of marriage and everyone be all excited and happy?

Welcome to post-Christian society, where the only bigotry is having moral standards. Even many professed Christians have adopted this impractical and unchristian attitude.

Is the couple expected to get married?

 

[Debora123]

I am glad that she is not getting an abortion. We offered to adopt the child if she ever she wanted to pursue that route. She is not young. She is 23. How do we be supportive without enabling her to continue in sin? A new life is a blessing in deed. But continuing to live the life she has is not good for her or for that new baby coming into the world. I guess I don’t know how to be supportive without letting her think that what she is doing is ok???

I think you can almost count on her having learned her lesson by getting pregnant. Sure, the family is being supportive, but pregnancy and raising a child is going to be very difficult even if her family is supportive. She will have to watch her child grown up without a father or a stable environment with 2 parents, and I’m sure she will learn something from that. I know you mean well, but quite honestly, I don’t think you should try to “lecture” her on the mistake she made. Not only is it not your place, but I don’t think it’ll be effective at all on a 23 year old. She will find out for herself. All you can do is pray, celebrate the new life, and be supportive of her. She has rough times ahead, even though she may not realize it now.

 

[crunchycatholic]

As far as I am aware… no? She is hoping to finish college and have her mother watch the child. The father of the child is excited about the pregnancy and plans to be involved in the kids life. I’m not sure if they plan to wed after she is done with college.

 

[Debora123]

As far as I am aware… no? She is hoping to finish college and have her mother watch the child. The father of the child is excited about the pregnancy and plans to be involved in the kids life. I’m not sure if they plan to wed after she is done with college.

Well good… hopefully things will work out easy for her. But that is hardly ever the case with pre-marital pregnancies. Somewhere along their lives, people’s mistakes end up making things a lot more difficult in the long run.

 

[Barbkw]

Be consoled that your relative didn’t abort the child. I’m sorry that every child isn’t greeted at birth with both a loving Mom and Dad.

“It’s no big deal” because it does no good to bang one’s head against the proverbial wall

It is, what it is.

Another beautiful human being, ensouled with God’s grace.

 

[SummerSmiles]

I think you can almost count on her having learned her lesson by getting pregnant. Sure, the family is being supportive, but pregnancy and raising a child is going to be very difficult even if her family is supportive. She will have to watch her child grown up without a father or a stable environment with 2 parents, and I’m sure she will learn something from that. I know you mean well, but quite honestly, I don’t think you should try to “lecture” her on the mistake she made. Not only is it not your place, but I don’t think it’ll be effective at all on a 23 year old. She will find out for herself. All you can do is pray, celebrate the new life, and be supportive of her. She has rough times ahead, even though she may not realize it now.

I agree. If it’s anyone’s place to “lecture” it’s this girls’ parents’ place to do so. Maybe they have and you just don’t know about it. Maybe they haven’t. I understand that it may be difficult not to say something about it. If she asks you for advice, then by all means offer it in a gentle and understanding way, but otherwise it’s not your place to say anything. The best thing to do is to be supportive of her choice to bring her baby into the world, rather than abort. Celebrate the new life with her. She will learn soon enough about her mistakes. Allow her the time to enjoy the beauty of a new life with the support of her family before the harder times come her way.

 

[Eowyn86]

First of all, I understand that this is a difficult situation for you. I would like to share my own situation with you, just to give you a different point of view.

When I was younger, I lived my life very differently than I do now. I was that young girl who got pregnant out of wedlock, while I was still in college. My boyfriend (now my husband) went with me when we both told his parents and mine. Both of our families were devout Catholic ones. My parents were furious. They told me how awful my decision was, how I completely went against everything they’d ever told me, how I’d set up my baby for a life of hardship, etc. His parents were very understanding of us. They told us that even though the timing wasn’t perfect, and even though we had made mistakes, a baby is always a blessing and that they would be there to help us if we needed it. Guess where I always turned for help and guidance when I needed it?

My boyfriend’s grandmother sent us a Christmas card that year, and at the bottom of it, she’d written a line about how she disapproved of our decision to have intercourse outside of marriage. It made us furious, because we felt like she was out of place to have said it. We’d already realized our mistake, we didn’t need her to point it out to us. Here I was, about to be walking around physically showing the result of my mistake. I wasn’t saying anything about it, but I was wondering what my baby would think of me once he got old enough to do the math and realize that his parents hadn’t been married before he was born–how was I going to teach him the right way to do things?

If she’s been raised Catholic and still says she is, then it’s likely she’s already thinking these things. She’s aware of the mistake she’s made. She might not be saying that she wants to change, but she still could be feeling it. It’s also likely that she’s very scared about what the future holds for her. The best thing you can do for her is show her that you support her. Celebrate the baby’s new life. Let her see Christ’s forgiveness through you. Right now, she really needs to feel the love and support of her family and friends.

 

[stephe1987]

She, like most people our age, has probably been brainwashed to believe that sex outside of marriage is “normal” and people who aren’t promiscuous or at least in a sexual relationship at her age have something seriously wrong with them. It’s a sad world we live in. Brainwashing begins in high school with all the talk about contraceptives and abortions being acceptable, and gets worse in college. Parents aren’t there as much, kids living on their own, etc. and so they pressure each other into doing things they shouldn’t. STDs are very high among college-aged people, and many young women are on the Pill or get talked into abortions. It is very likely that her boyfriend would have dumped her if she refused to sleep with him. She was lonely and didn’t want to be single (also, people can and do get made fun of for being single). Another victim of post-Christian society.

And 23 is still young. Where did you get the idea that 23 is not young? The human brain isn’t done developing until at least age 25, sometimes even 30. I think you need to realize that when dealing with people. Girls are physically done growing (getting taller) between 15-18, boys 18-21, but their brains aren’t done developing until a decade later. Experts tell us that the last part of the brain to develop is the part of the brain that predicts the consequences of our actions. This is why young people (puberty up to age 30) often act “in the moment” and don’t really think about what will happen. Maybe she just wanted to “feel good”? Maybe she thought a baby would be cute and didn’t realize that a baby is an actual person who needs two parents who are committed to each other (married)? There are many reasons why she may have gotten pregnant.

I think you need to pray for her and always be there for her. A big reason why people have negative ideas about Christians is that they think Christians are always judging them. You don’t agree with what she did, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be there for her, help her with what she needs, etc. Let her know in a kind way that although you don’t agree with her actions, you will still be there for her. When she sees that Christians can be kind and caring people, she may rethink her life. Don’t expect instant results, it could take years, but she will eventually grow up and realize what she did is wrong, and want to change her ways.

Just because someone is living a lifestyle you don’t agree with right now doesn’t mean they will never change. But if they see a Christian treating them unkindly or acting superior to them because they don’t agree with what they’re doing, they are likely to leave Christianity, which often does irreversable damage to a person’s soul. If they see a Christian as kind, compassionate, and loving, they are more likely to leave their lifestyle once they grow up a bit.

 

[crunchycatholic]

Well I am not interested in lecturing her. I know it would do me no good. I am 27. Not much older than her. At 23 I was living my own life, purchased my own home, had my own car, insurance, etc and was paying off my own college loans. 23 Isn’t young like a young teenager being pregnant.

I want to be supportive but I don’t know how. I repeatedly pray when I think of her because it gets to me rather easily. I do know she has a hard road ahead. Even as a mom myself with a loving husband it has not been an easy road. How should I be supportive? Should I give her things she needs? I mean what is the best way to support her? Not financially I would hope. Should I… what? I don’t plan on lecturing her at all. I know when I was 23 I wouldn’t have listened to a word of it. I knew everything.

 

[Debora123]

I want to be supportive but I don’t know how. I repeatedly pray when I think of her because it gets to me rather easily. I do know she has a hard road ahead. Even as a mom myself with a loving husband it has not been an easy road. How should I be supportive? Should I give her things she needs? I mean what is the best way to support her? Not financially I would hope. Should I… what? I don’t plan on lecturing her at all. I know when I was 23 I wouldn’t have listened to a word of it. I knew everything.

Be supportive of her the same way you would be if she were married. The fact that she’s having the baby out of wedlock shouldn’t change “how” you support her - she’s still family, you still love her, and it’s still a whole new life coming into the world. Try to stop thinking so much about the fact that she’s not married, and just focus on the fact that a new member of your family is coming. It’s a happy thought, and a blessing.

 

[Steel_Pinwheel]

And 23 is still young. Where did you get the idea that 23 is not young? The human brain isn’t done developing until at least age 25, sometimes even 30.

At 23, she’s been a “woman” for about a decade.

I think you need to pray for her and always be there for her. A big reason why people have negative ideas about Christians is that they think Christians are always judging them.

The reason people think so poorly have Christians have moral standards is because Christians spend so much time apologizing for it.

Just because someone is living a lifestyle you don’t agree with right now doesn’t mean they will never change.

This really isn’t about her. It’s about all the other young adults. They see that she’s being treated uncritically, so they get the message - she did nothing wrong. So, they do it themselves.

But if they see a Christian treating them unkindly or acting superior to them because they don’t agree with what they’re doing, they are likely to leave Christianity,

When Christians make Christianity irrelevant, then people leave Christianity. People are leaving Christianity faster than ever and Christians are less “judgmental” than ever before. Follow the evidence, not the propaganda.

 

[Barbkw]

Well I am not interested in lecturing her. I know it would do me no good. I am 27. Not much older than her. At 23 I was living my own life, purchased my own home, had my own car, insurance, etc and was paying off my own college loans. 23 Isn’t young like a young teenager being pregnant.

I want to be supportive but I don’t know how. I repeatedly pray when I think of her because it gets to me rather easily. I do know she has a hard road ahead. Even as a mom myself with a loving husband it has not been an easy road. How should I be supportive? Should I give her things she needs? I mean what is the best way to support her? Not financially I would hope. Should I… what? I don’t plan on lecturing her at all. I know when I was 23 I wouldn’t have listened to a word of it. I knew everything.

You sound a bit like the PO’d brother of the prodigal son.

 

[puzzleannie]

I am really struggling with this lately. When did it become OK for women to get pregnant outside of marriage and everyone be all excited and happy? I honestly don’t know what to do. It is a family member in college, living at home. I don’t know how to act or react to the situation. Sure I pray. But what can I do? The situation is such a mess. Family members seem to be all playing the "its no big deal’ game from where I sit. She is still living at home, still going to school and being provided for… almost enabled to continue her sinful life. I don’t know how not to judge the situation. My husband and I do not condone her actions… she is a professed cradle Catholic. We are Catholic. We want to help her but how does one help someone who doesn’t want to change? I have never been in a situation like this before in my life. I need guidance here. I don’t even know what to say or do. We will be visiting home for a while in January, and I am not looking forward to it. My husband and I are happily married for the past 4 years and have a 2 year old boy and one on the way.

Please help.

what alternatives would you suggest?
If it were your daughter, would you then withdraw your support from her? I am here to tell you if you have babies now, someday they will grow up and you will have to know how you will respond to such challenges they bring you when they are old enough to get into real trouble.

 

[Debora123]

At 23, she’s been a “woman” for about a decade.

Really? So you consider a 13 year old girl to be a “woman?” I don’t know about any of you other ladies out there, but when I was 13 I was still very young and definitely didn’t consider myself a woman. I wasn’t even menstruating yet (TMI, I know, but I was making a point).

The reason people think so poorly have Christians have moral standards is because Christians spend so much time apologizing for it.

Uhhhhh, maybe you’ve had different experiences with said people, but from MY experience, said people think so poorly of Christians because of how judgmental some of us can be.

This really isn’t about her. It’s about all the other young adults. They see that she’s being treated uncritically, so they get the message - she did nothing wrong. So, they do it themselves.

So lets hear it - how do YOU think young women who get pregnant out of wedlock should be treated by their families? The ones who are shunned and treated poorly are the ones most likely to get abortions.

When Christians make Christianity irrelevant, then people leave Christianity. People are leaving Christianity faster than ever and Christians are less “judgmental” than ever before. Follow the evidence, not the propaganda.

People ARE leaving Christianity faster than ever now. But how do YOU know it’s because Christians are becoming more forgiving and less judgmental (or as you put it, making it less relevant)? The more time goes by, the more materialistic the world becomes, and the less we “see God” in society. I think that’s a more accurate reason of why more and more people are leaving Christianity. Whenever I’ve heard people complain about Christianity, it’s always been to complain about how strict/judgmental it is, not about how laid back it has become.

 

[crunchycatholic]

I do feel like the PO’d brother of the prodigal son. I do care about her and I hate to see the mistakes she is making in her life. At the same time I just dont want her to mistake our support for encouragement for her deeds. I have never had to experience this situation in family or friendship even. I feel like turning a blind eye and not saying anything is like saying “hey its all ok” when I really truly feel like it is not ok. At the same time I don’t want to be harsh and critical and say “hey how dare you? you big giant sinner” since I am nothing more than a sinner myself just in totally different ways.

I care about her, though the whole situation is a bit mind blowing for me. This is not what one would have ever expected from this girl/woman.

As a Catholic I want to love her. I want her to change her ways and be the person we all know she should be. At the same time I don’t know how to. We told her we are here if she needs anything. We have sent care packages. We try to stay in touch and send cards. I would like to have a better relationship… (we are about 1000 miles apart), and our baby will only be a few months behind hers. I want the kids to know each other. I want to support her having a good life… but if she doesn’t want a good life, how can we help her?

 

[underacloud]

Lecturing won’t achieve anything. I’ve had close family on both my side and my wife’s side fall pregnant outside of marriage, as well as a friend. Generally, the consequences of their decisions are very obvious to them.

Support is the way to go. I don’t think financial support is necessary. There may be baby stuff – cots, prams, cloths, etc – that you could give or lend them. But I think it’s more just being accepting of them…not their sin…them. Especially the child. Remember, there are no illegitimate children, only illegitimate parents. The child is deserving of your love and support, so on a purely practical level, you need to not alienate the parents. By staying close as a family you may later be able to provide a good catholic role model for the child…even help them understand the faith and receive the sacraments.

 

[SummerSmiles]

Well I am not interested in lecturing her. I know it would do me no good. I am 27. Not much older than her. At 23 I was living my own life, purchased my own home, had my own car, insurance, etc and was paying off my own college loans. 23 Isn’t young like a young teenager being pregnant.

I want to be supportive but I don’t know how. I repeatedly pray when I think of her because it gets to me rather easily. I do know she has a hard road ahead. Even as a mom myself with a loving husband it has not been an easy road. How should I be supportive? Should I give her things she needs? I mean what is the best way to support her? Not financially I would hope. Should I… what? I don’t plan on lecturing her at all. I know when I was 23 I wouldn’t have listened to a word of it. I knew everything.

No, your financial support is not necessary in this situation. Support her just as you would any other member of the family, or as you would a friend. Share in her excitement at welcoming a new child. There’s lots of ways you might do this. For example, think about going to her baby shower if there’s one planned and you live close enough to do so. Maybe get her something practical for the baby–a baby bathtub, some onesies, a diaper bag, etc. If you feel comfortable talking with her about it, tell her what types of things surprised you about being a parent–did your first baby do something that was incredibly embarrassing at the time but funny now?

I’m not sure how close you are to her, but it sounds like you don’t see her very often? The specifics of how you show your support will depend on how close you are and what you feel is appropriate given the level of closeness you have to her. You are very close in age to this young woman, she will relate easily to you, especially since you are currently expecting a child. Even sharing pregnancy stories with her can help you show your support. I know that with my first, I was incredibly unsure of how the pregnancy was going to progress, what “rules” I had to follow (i.e. diet and exercise) etc. Talking to another woman my age who was in the same boat was extremely helpful to me. You don’t have to go into a ton of detail, just let her know that someone else is going through the same things as her.