Pregnant Girlfriend - What to do?

[armando148]

You mentioned the mother is from South America, I thought I would add just to provide some context in case you are not aware, people are used to expressing their emotions more down there openly/dramatic it’s not viewed as a weakness down there as it is in the United States, it’s taken me a long time to understand this from my own wife who grew up in Mexico but when I analyze how others have behaved when I was down there they are expressed their emotions very openly.

People from down there tend to express their displeasure openly with their partners/family more than in the U.S, it would be probably be classified as borderline verbal abusive under U.S standards but it’s part of the overall latin cultures, the upside is that stuff rarely festers on their end when they are open like that. Physical contact down there does not have the same threshold as it does in the United States, I have struggled with that myself as the mother will herself if you decide to form a union, it’s not right and you must express this to her as the laws/expectations in this country are different and on this point it’s probably better, again I myself got physical with my wife because well it’s common in Latin countries and I suspect Asian countries also, it’s wrong and their is no excuse for it.

My point being is that she may not be the basket case you think she is, it’s just a different culture, also take responsibility for the baby. My son was unplanned and I complained to a friend at work about it and he said to me “We’ll if you didn’t want to have a baby you were doing the wrong things” and laughed, I have never complained after that as he was right.

 

[lily22]

Jesus says: “I knew you the day I formed you in the secret places of your mother’s womb. You are precious to me. I know the hairs on your head, when you wake up and go to sleep. The very DAYS of your life are WRITTEN into my book”.

Jesus LOVES this child with an everlasting love, can YOU find it in your heart, in this unforgiving lame society, to LOVE this little child and it’s mom to see him or her BORN and BAPTIZED so the world can say: and you KNOW that I AM the LORD YOUR GOD.

Show the World what kind of love it so poorly needs. You can help feed a hungry man outside walmart/etc but can you LOVE like Jesus, can you see this little beautiful person to know the name of Jesus?

He is your Son, your Daughter, he is YOURS God intended YOU as the Father, Rejoice and be glad, great is the kingdom of God for all that believe in HIM Jesus shall live. A tree is known by it’s fruit, God gifted you with Fruit, make the best, we are only human, no one is perfect, do your BEST to raise the child Catholic, we know you can do it.

 

[His_helpmeet]

If you are intending to marry ONLY because she is pregnant, there is a very real possibility that the marriage will not be valid, because you have not freely consented to marry. On top of that, what if (God forbid) something happens to this child? Or at the very least, what will happen when this child grows up and leaves home? What’s holding your marriage together at that point?

I strongly, strongly recommend that you not marry this girl until you have discerned God’s will. My DH was in a similar situation to you - he met a woman online, moved in with her, and got engaged to her. They were thinking of breaking the engagement because they weren’t very compatible when they found out she was pregnant. They decided there was nothing to do but go through with the wedding. She left him when their daughter was almost 4. (His marriage was declared invalid and we are sacramentally married.) If you get married only because you’re pregnant, you don’t have enough time to adjust to your roles as husband and wife, and to find out what marriage means to you. You’re going to be immediately immersed in the role of parenting - and once the child is old enough to no longer need constant care (as DSD was), you may find that your marriage falls apart.

Yes, a child needs two parents. Yes, you should continue to be involved in this child’s life as much as possible. But that does not necessarily translate to “we have to get married because of the baby”.

 

[athanasius802]

There is a lot of good advice here. Thank you all. Thank you for your prayers as well.

My girlfriend has said very clearly that she would sooner abort than give it up for adoption. So that´s unfortunately not an option. I think it would be better than her raising it alone, but she will have none of it.

As for not accepting my guilt for the sins we have committed, I am fully aware of my culpability in this and have confessed it and so has she. I´m not blaming her for my actions, but the fact is that I felt an enormous amount of pressure. I went back and forth with her, explaining why I believed it was a sin, but she persisted. In the end, I gave in. The first time it was just to get her to stop begging me. I am guilty of not getting myself out of that situation whe I should have.

My fear is that I can´t work out if what I feel for her is love, or only sexual desire. I think I will figure it out pretty fast now that we are going to be separated physically.

As for the child, I know I am going to be a father and I am going to assume that responsibility head-on. I will be the best father I can possibly be.

 

[Xantippe]

athanasius802 said:

“My girlfriend has said very clearly that she would sooner abort than give it up for adoption.”

I don’t think you can marry somebody whose thought process works like that.

Marriage to her might theoretically be possible sometime down the road, but as long as she’s the sort of person who thinks that adoption is worse than abortion, you shouldn’t marry her, and you certainly should not be engaging in reproductive activity with her. What happens if you marry her and then have one or more unplanned pregnancies and she wants an abortion? What then?

 

[MadetoLove]

I just wanted to chime in and say that I will be praying for you, your girlfriend, and your precious baby.

Any choice that is made regarding the baby will be a difficult one. I suggest you pray for God to speak to you clearly and let you know what decision is best. He can see into the future, he knows what is best.

I have to say that I don’t like it when people start pushing adoption. Yes, the parents of this baby are not married, and they may never marry, but that doesn’t always mean that adoption is the best choice in these situations. There are things out there such as “adoption trauma” that can affect an adoptee for years. Adoption guarantees the baby a home, but it doesn’t always guarantee a good home.

I’m not saying this to be mean toward anyone who has adopted. I hope to adopt a child from foster care someday. I’m just saying that sometimes it is best for a baby to stay with his/her biological family.

I’m a never married mother of two children. I may be biased but I do know that God WANTED me to keep my babies. So adoption isn’t always the answer. God has all the answers. Leave it up to Him.

I don’t blame your girlfriend for not wanting to place her baby for adoption. It is not easy by any means to have to let go of your child.

 

[Avocadomom]

There is a lot of good advice here. Thank you all. Thank you for your prayers as well.

My girlfriend has said very clearly that she would sooner abort than give it up for adoption. So that´s unfortunately not an option. I think it would be better than her raising it alone, but she will have none of it.

As for not accepting my guilt for the sins we have committed, I am fully aware of my culpability in this and have confessed it and so has she. I´m not blaming her for my actions, but the fact is that I felt an enormous amount of pressure. I went back and forth with her, explaining why I believed it was a sin, but she persisted. In the end, I gave in. The first time it was just to get her to stop begging me. I am guilty of not getting myself out of that situation whe I should have.

My fear is that I can´t work out if what I feel for her is love, or only sexual desire. I think I will figure it out pretty fast now that we are going to be separated physically.

As for the child, I know I am going to be a father and I am going to assume that responsibility head-on. I will be the best father I can possibly be.

She would rather kill her child than let him be raised by loving parents? Wow.

Frankly, if this woman is from South America she will probably move there, stay there, and raise the child with the help of her family. If you choose not to marry her, she will likely cut you out of the picture early on and find another man, who will be the one raising your child.

If adoption is not an option, you need to move to where this woman is. Right away. Whatever else you have going on will need to be set aside so that you can be near the mother of your child.

An overseas situation is very different than when the parents are from the same town. In all honesty, if you want to ensure you are the one raising your son or daughter and not another man, you should marry this woman and do whatever it takes to make the marriage work. Unfortunately, you lost the option of marrying “the girl of your dreams” “at just the right time” when you chose to have unprotected sex with a girlfriend who was not marriage material.

I am unimpressed with the notion that this girlfriend of yours is such a vicious vixen that she pressured you into sex you felt you could not decline. There IS such a thing as walking out the door, you know. The blame for this situation is squarely on your shoulders, so be a man, let go of every excuse, and do what you can to make this right.

 

[MJJean]

She would rather kill her child than let him be raised by loving parents? Wow.

Frankly, if this woman is from South America she will probably move there, stay there, and raise the child with the help of her family. If you choose not to marry her, she will likely cut you out of the picture early on and find another man, who will be the one raising your child.

If adoption is not an option, you need to move to where this woman is. Right away. Whatever else you have going on will need to be set aside so that you can be near the mother of your child.

An overseas situation is very different than when the parents are from the same town. In all honesty, if you want to ensure you are the one raising your son or daughter and not another man, you should marry this woman and do whatever it takes to make the marriage work. Unfortunately, you lost the option of marrying “the girl of your dreams” “at just the right time” when you chose to have unprotected sex with a girlfriend who was not marriage material.

I am unimpressed with the notion that this girlfriend of yours is such a vicious vixen that she pressured you into sex you felt you could not decline. There IS such a thing as walking out the door, you know. The blame for this situation is squarely on your shoulders, so be a man, let go of every excuse, and do what you can to make this right.

Yup. Frankly, by not marrying this woman you might as well be abandoning her and the child both.

You have to understand something. She goes back home alone and she will either A) have the abortion or B) raise the baby with her family until she finds a husband or the family finds one for her.

You will literally have zero choices when it comes to the baby and very few, if any, legal rights. The baby would probably have it’s mothers last name and most likely not even have your name on the birth record as you aren’t married to the mother and wouldn’t be there to sign acceptance of paternity. The baby would be raised entirely in her culture. If, at any time, she decided to cut off contact with you for any reason there would be little you could do.

Heck, if she were to find a potential husband or long term partner while the baby is young there is even a chance she won’t tell the child you exist at all and let it think her new man is the daddy. And she’d be right. Any adolescent male can make a baby. To be a father requires fully accepting responsibility for a baby. And, in your case, that means marrying the mother so you can live in the same country and raise the child together.

You knew that sex makes babies when you became sexually active. If you weren’t ready to take on that ind of responsibility you shouldn’t have been having sex. All actions have consequences and the consequences. You had your fun, now it’s time to pay the piper.

 

[Kal2012]

1. As someone who has placed a child up for adoption, yes, it actually is easy to recommend adoption because some people aren’t ready to be parents or married when they conceive a child.

Nothing about an unplanned pregnancy is ideal. However, for some people, adoption is the best solution at the time. You can’t think about where you want to be in 5-10 years, you have to focus on the “Now”. Can you support a child (emotionally/financially) today and into the future? Can you support a child and a wife (emotionally/financially) today and into the future?

1. For every adoption horror story, there are adoption success stories. Every family/situation is different. If you want to discuss this further, feel free to PM me.
2. I used to be a big proponent of getting married if you get someone pregnant, but if you have problems in your relationship now, then they will magnify when you have a child.

Some people are able to co-parent well w/out being married.

 

[MaryT777]

1. As someone who has placed a child up for adoption, yes, it actually is easy to recommend adoption because some people aren’t ready to be parents or married when they conceive a child.

Nothing about an unplanned pregnancy is ideal. However, for some people, adoption is the best solution at the time. You can’t think about where you want to be in 5-10 years, you have to focus on the “Now”. Can you support a child (emotionally/financially) today and into the future? Can you support a child and a wife (emotionally/financially) today and into the future?

1. For every adoption horror story, there are adoption success stories. Every family/situation is different. If you want to discuss this further, feel free to PM me.
2. I used to be a big proponent of getting married if you get someone pregnant, but if you have problems in your relationship now, then they will magnify when you have a child.

Some people are able to co-parent well w/out being married.

Thank you for this post. I grew up in a single parent family with an absent Dad and it is a hole in your heart that never quite heals. A child deserves a mother and father if possible and if the biological parents cannot provide that adoption should be seriously considered.
In my opinion,
Mary.

 

[DaisyNJesus]

Dear athanasius802.
I am going to give me oppinion that you will probably not like either.
You say you moved in with your girl friend.
Its clear that everyone can get overwhelmed at one night’s passion. But nobody forced a man to move in with a lady.
You did not want to lose her, so you say. And that is why you treated her like a wife: you spend the night(s?) with her and lived with her.
Now I think you have done the whole thing backwards, but you should take responsibility.
Right now fear speaks louder than the love you felt, which made you want to move in with your girl friend. Find the love again, even though there was selfish desire involved. There always is in human love.
I hope you put a ring on her finger. Protect her and her child and be the man that you should have been from the start. Blaming your girl friend for everything now is a defense mechanism and it is understandable. But now is the time to be strong and do right.
Youcan do it

 

[chemaeslay]

Your priest friend is correct, you are not “obligated” to marry her. From what you’ve said, I don’t think it would be a good idea – she does not sound mature enough for marriage and motherhood. Please at least consider adoption.

Totally agree!

 

[athanasius802]

I am committed to taking care of this child no matter what. It will have my full financial support for as long as necessary to ensure its health and well-being. I know what I have done wrong and that I wasn’t forced to do anything. It was my choice to go along with it.

It seems like the comments here fall in two camps:

Those who say that the right thing is to marry her. I also realize that they likely have tradition on their side. The “shotgun wedding” is a long-standing part of our culture. I know that it was just what was expected of a man if he got a girl pregnant. On the other hand, I’m sure in many cases that resulted in a miserable family life and/or divorce. I also wonder if this tradition was more for keeping up appearances than anything else. I also know that if I don’t marry her, my commitment to my child will be questioned and I may be separated from it by her sometime in the future. Also, another man could end up raising my child with her. Maybe that wouldn’t be a bad thing if he adopted it.

The others say that it seems like either she or both of us are too immature and unprepared for marriage or raising a child. That the fact that she’s pregnant doesn’t obligate me to marry her. Someone said she is abusive, believe me, I have thought that to myself many times. I am 100% sure I would have ended the relationship a long time ago had that not meant looking for a new apartment in a foreign country and having to live alone or with strangers. I was and am very afraid of being alone. I just never had the willpower necessary to end things and leave as much as I knew I should have. Also, my priest friend asked me what I would do if she lost the child, which is something that is possible. I would like to say that I would stay with her, but I know it would probably fizzle out eventually.

In the meantime, she is pressuring me to become engaged with her. I understand from her perspective. She is scared and wants to know I am committed to helping raise the child. My word is not enough for her, she wants a ring on her finger. Also, I know that when she goes back to her country, it won’t reflect as badly on her if she can tell everyone that at least her and the father of her child are engaged.

Although she denies it, she is essentially giving me a “now or never” ultimatum. Even if I was sure I wanted to marry her, I just don’t think now is the right time. I don’t even have two cents to rub together. I also want to be able to tell my family in person that I intend to marry her if it comes to that, which means waiting at least until I get home. I keep telling her to give me some time, but she is threatening to end the relationship for good because I’m not ready to propose right this minute. I certainly don’t want to marry her out of fear. Doing things out of fear is what got me where I am now!

Again, thank you all for the advice and prayers!

 

[Iheartcoffee]

Adoption really sounds like the best plan. Both of you are young and your lives are rather unstable. There are genuinely good couples that are ready to raise that child in a much stronger home, and with the increasing popularity of “open adoptions” you and your girlfriend can maintain some contact with this child.

 

[athanasius802]

I have now come around to thinking marriage would really be the best thing to do. I know we have our moments of anger, when we hurt each other. But I think if we are both committed to making it work, with God’s help it can be a good relationship. Right now she is in her country with her family and I have returned to the States and am living with my family. My family have told me that they don’t like what they have seen of how she treats me. But what they haven’t seen are the good times, because when things go well, I tend not to talk to them as much. I’m not sure how or when we will get married, but right now my goal is to save money to move down there and ask her to marry me.

The baby is due in January, so I would like to be down there by then if not sooner. Right now the hardest thing is generating some good income to save for a plane ticket and also trying to send money to her to help with her medical care and to pay for the birth itself.

I told my family after having arrived here as well. They were much less emotional than my girlfriend’s mother. Easy to see the cultural differences there. My parents were of course disappointed, but let me know that they are on my side, they want the best outcome for all - myself, my girlfriend, and of course their grandchild - and that they love me as much as ever.

God bless you all for your (name removed by moderator)ut and especially your prayers.

 

[humble_maid]

I sent you a reply on PM. Please read. All I can say is that you are in for a ride of your life. Wherever it takes you remain strong. I have a cousin who got pregnant and is living with her boyfriend. He gave her a ring but they are not married and now have a second child. I would sincerely suggest that you give her a ring but that the engagement lasts after the baby is born. You can assure her that you will do right by her but that you want her and yourself to be happy and a shotgun wedding isn’t going to cut it. Tell her that you want to give her what she deserves and not to deprive her because of ‘tradition’. Tell her you want to work hard to provide but that you need more time.The best marriages are when people are happy with themselves and each other.

Please, think it through. I am confident that God will help. Listen to Him even if it takes a while.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

God Bless

 

[Viki63]

You are working hard to make responsible decisions, which is wonderful. Better now than not at all.
I lean toward your getting engaged to her but waiting until the baby is born to marry.
She’s due in January, so she’s barely a month along. A lot could happen between now and January. She might go to counseling, become closer to God and less dramatic during arguments. You could both learn how to discuss things without having fights.
You might benefit by an assertiveness class. It would be helpful whether you marry her or not.
Praying for you as well.

 

[Phaedra777]

I think the first thing you should do is have a paternity test. After reading your description of her behavior, I wouldn’t rule out the possibility that what she really wants from you is citizenship.

Threatening abortion to force your hand is despicable.

 

[otjm]

My girlfriend has said very clearly that she would sooner abort than give it up for adoption. So that´s unfortunately not an option. I think it would be better than her raising it alone, but she will have none of it.

As for the child, I know I am going to be a father and I am going to assume that responsibility head-on. I will be the best father I can possibly be.

Go read above, what you wrote. Then read it again…

Then read it a third time.

She is from a family that could afford to put her in Europe.

That means, she most likely is not from a poor family.

And she is going to return to her country, to her city, to her parents, with the “shame” of being pregnant out of wedlock?

And she has already talked about abortion?

Are you even listening? At all???

And you think you are going to be a father - “the best you can be” from a country literally thousands of miles apart? And you are going to do that - how?

If I were a betting man, I would put money that you will never see this child, ever; and the likelihood is that the child will be aborted. You are not paying attention, because you are in an emotional whirlwind. She has already talked about aborting the child; no matter how “accepting” society may be (and that point is seriously debatable) in the US, she is not returning to the US. And no matter how strong you want to say she is in her faith, according to you she lead on the issue of sex outside of marriage, and she was the one who talked about abortion. Sounds real strong to me.

Not.

She sounds to me like a scared kid, pregnant with a child she either did not anticipate, or one she anticipated would result in marriage. And now she has this guy who is going to go blithely tripping off to his mommy and daddy in the US, and leave her to figure out what life with a child as an unmarried mother is going to be like in South America. She is scared, she is carrying the child, and she is talking about abortion.

Are you listening? Or are you just wandering around whining, because of the pickle “she got you into”?

You are 25 and you are not “ready” for marriage? You certainly were ready for serial sexual activity with this woman.

And she has talked about abortion, and won’t adopt, and she is going back to a well-to-do family with the “shame” of being pregnant out of wedlock, in a culture where personal honor is expressed very differently than in the US.

And because you were not man enough to keep your pants zipped (and this is not like there was only one opportunity to do so), you now have a child at risk of the abortionist’s scalpel.

And you think you are going to be the best father you can be? And you are going to accomplish this — how?

You are more than old enough to be married; it is just that you have not had to man up and make your own honest, moral decisions.

And as a result, she is going back to South America, and you are coming back to the US. And you are going to be the best father.

Right.

And you are going to do that — how, again?

And you think that she is going back to South America to be a loving, unmarried mother - a mother who has already talked about “solving” her dilemma.

It certainly is not your dilemma - you are not carrying a an unplanned child for 9 months, unmarried, no job, no prospects, seen by many men as “damaged goods” (and let’s not kid ourselves - how many men see a woman with a child out of wedlock and view her as modest, moral, a good decision maker, one with no liabilities). And you are coming back to the US “scott free”.

Of course, “out of the goodness of your heart” you might pay child support. It is totally unenforceable from her standpoint. So you go back to the US skipping away freely from any responsibility (as she might have reason to see it), or, as you come across, a puppy dog with its tail between its legs (so, you have not told your family - meaning that you have not taken responsibility yet in that quarter). And of course, as soon as you get there, you will do so.

Um Humh.

So what song and dance number to avoid direct responsibility will you do, if and when the child is aborted?

 

[PJM]

=humble maid;12064867]I sent you a reply on PM. Please read. All I can say is that you are in for a ride of your life. Wherever it takes you remain strong. I have a cousin who got pregnant and is living with her boyfriend. He gave her a ring but they are not married and now have a second child. I would sincerely suggest that you give her a ring but that the engagement lasts after the baby is born. You can assure her that you will do right by her but that you want her and yourself to be happy and a shotgun wedding isn’t going to cut it. Tell her that you want to give her what she deserves and not to deprive her because of ‘tradition’. Tell her you want to work hard to provide but that you need more time.The best marriages are when people are happy with themselves and each other.

Please, think it through. I am confident that God will help. Listen to Him even if it takes a while.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

God Bless

Abortion is NOT one of thr options:thumbsup:

GET TO CONFESSION!

If your in love, get married

If Not then man-up and accept your responsibilies as the father.

Pray much

Patrick