Pregnant Teenager

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Cecilia1963

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Hey, everybody,
I’m new, and I could use some advice. My daughter is 15, and just last night told me she is pregnant. We had not been allowing her to date, but I did know she had a young man that she liked. I was too late figuring out that she was sneaking out in the middle of the night to be with him.

We’re in the “what now” stage, and my husband and I feel like we’ve been run over by a truck. My daughter wants to keep the baby, and she was horrified when I mentioned her boyfriend could be charged with statutory rape (he could). What are the moral/church considerations if we look into adoption? Is it a sin to consider asking somebody else to raise this baby? Fortunately, neither my daughter or her boyfriend are trying to push for abortion, so at least that question is out of the way.

Anybody been here before? Thanks!
Cecilia
 
I have not been there, but can offer some helpful advice. You can contact your local Catholic Charities office. They will have counseling available for your family as well as the father of the baby and can assist with making parenting or adoption plans. I will keep all concerned in my prayers and may God bless your daughter for choosing life.
 
Cecilia1963 said:
Anybody been here before? Thanks!
Cecilia
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Well you may not want an opinion from this side of the pond, but yes I’ve seen this, in my own family and the families of my brothers and sisters, and in many other situations.

And I think it’s better for you to help her raise the child, even though it will be hard.

I’ve seen a few girls give their babies away and regretting it dearly, they become emotionally withdrawn, I don’t know what to say about the rape thing except your daughter and her baby are first and foremost.

If I was in your shoes and I’m not now but was, then giving the baby away for me would not be an option, I couldn’t give my own flesh and blood away.
 
My sister got pregnant when she was 19, living at home & going to college. My parents didn’t know she was dating anyone at all. It was a guy from her part time job. Loser-- vanished very quickly during the pregnancy. Even though she was older than your daughter it was no less devastating to our family.

My sister went to Catholic Charities. I highly recommend you have your daughter go there for counseling, and you go for family counseling too. My sister also considered parenting at first, but after counseling decided that adoption was best.

It’s an open adoption, and the adoptive family is very much a part of our family’s life. They came to my wedding, my brother’s wedding, and my sister is involved in their world. It’s really the best situation possible. My nephew is 7 years old now.

Catholic Charities can really help you and your daughter with counseling. My parents were totally hit from out of nowhere.

No, it is NOT wrong for you to consider adoption.
 
She made a mistake, but please think about helping her raise her child if she wants to! It’s your grandchild and you’re sure to fall in love with the baby as soon as it’s born! I’ll be praying for your family!
 
snowfly said:
Well you may not want an opinion from this side of the pond, but yes I’ve seen this, in my own family and the families of my brothers and sisters, and in many other situations.

And I think it’s better for you to help her raise the child, even though it will be hard.

I’ve seen a few girls give their babies away and regretting it dearly, they become emotionally withdrawn, I don’t know what to say about the rape thing except your daughter and her baby are first and foremost.

If I was in your shoes and I’m not now but was, then giving the baby away for me would not be an option, I couldn’t give my own flesh and blood away.
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I should say that I’m biased here, because my husband and I have not been able to have children and are hoping to adopt.

That being said, I have seen positive and negative outcomes with both sets of decisions. I have seen families who are strong and supportive help a young girl raise a child, and I have seen people who have made an adoption plan go on to have happy, healthy,successful lives as well.

There is no one-size-fits all decision. Adoption in the States is usually open, so instead of becoming isolated from the child, you can go on to have a relationship with him or her even though they are being raised in an another family’s house. For example my nephew is adopted and goes to see his grandma, sister and mom regularly at their comfort level. This openness is supposed to make the outcome more positive for all sides of the adoption triad.
 
First of all, NO, it is not wrong to consider adoption! It will be extremely difficult for a 15 yr old to raise a child. It will be up to her and you to decide if it is best for her to keep the baby or choose adoption, but either way, the needs of the BABY must come first. If you do choose adoption, there are thousands of wonderful couples just waiting for a baby to love. As previously mentioned, the birthmom gets to choose how much future contact to have with the baby and adoptive family. Our daughter’s birthmom chose for us to send letters and pictures, but not meet. Many birthmoms choose to have some type of visitation.

I suggest you call either Catholic Charities or another local crisis pregnancy center to find someone to get some counseling with. They can help you all figure out what is in the best interests of the baby.
 
I know this must be hard on everyone envolved.I will keep your family in my prayers.Adoption is one option that you have.Helping your DD.raise your grandchild is the 2nd option(of coarse you know this).My Daughter became pregnant before she and her exhusband were married.After marrige,she had two more children.Her husband left her and now they are divorced.We have 3 beautiful Grand Daughters that we are helping to raise.If i would have known grand-kids was this much fun,I would have had them first.Seriously,Pray for Gods will.🙂
 
I totally agree with counseling but if she still really wants to keep the baby please don’t to pressure her to give it up. That is an extremely difficult, personal discision -something her and father would have to make together. I am an adopted child, and very thankful to my bio mom for that (never met) but I hope she wasn’t forced.

My bestfriend got pregnant at 16 (she was 17 by the time she had the baby). I just watched that beautiful girl graduate highschool last June. My friend married the dad and they have three children together. Sadly her daughter also got pregnant right before her senior year despite my friend and her husband doing everything possible not to have her repeat the choice they made.

My friend was devastated. The girl was an excellant student, talented dancer (ballet, tap, lyrical, irish, etc…) had plans for college. Well baby girl was born last spring right before Easter. Teen still went to prom & graduated. Last month my husband I became the baby’s Godparents, even though mom is not Catholic the father of the baby is. The now 18 year old mom, works as a dance teacher and is going to college part-time. She’s a very good mom. Life goes on, the world doesn’t end, even though it feels like it will. I’m actually babysitting tomorrow while she and the father go to his Homecoming Dance -he’s a year younger.

God brings beauty out of tragedy. I can’t imagine this baby not being here. I am an unplanned child, my husband is an unplanned child, bestfriend’s mom was also a teen when she had her -so great grandma is in her 50’s :o .

I know you are heartbroken and shattered by this news. Nothing can be done to change the choice your child made. So you deal with what is, not what you wished it could be. I’ll keep your family in my prayers.
 
I feel for you. I am not in your situation.

First there are three ways to parent a child:
by yourself, fostering (this is the mom and perhaps her parents) and someone else. Keep in mind that the choice in the end is your daughter’s and the father of the baby but I would advise at the very least making an appointment with a local adoption agency because they have the experts who can help with this decision, they are not to pressure one way or the other, if they do find a different one or ask for a different councilor.

Your local Crisis Pregnancy Center should be able to help you with names of agencies but they can not help you with the adoption itself.

Brenda V.
 
It is not wrong to consider adoption - but IMHO it must be your daughter who is doing the considering, not you. The child is not yours and she will have to live with her decision to keep/adopt out the baby for the rest of her life…therefore, please don’t pressure her. I know three women who got pregnant at 15, who are now my age, and have done just fine, as have their kids. It’s not impossible. Whatever she decides, she’s going to need your support - and I don’t mean financially here, but emotionally. (As long as that doesn’t involve abortion, of course.)
 
Tell her you will support her in what ever she chooses. But like others have said…it has to be her decision.

Kathy
 
snowfly said:
Well you may not want an opinion from this side of the pond, but yes I’ve seen this, in my own family and the families of my brothers and sisters, and in many other situations.

And I think it’s better for you to help her raise the child, even though it will be hard.

I’ve seen a few girls give their babies away and regretting it dearly, they become emotionally withdrawn, I don’t know what to say about the rape thing except your daughter and her baby are first and foremost.

If I was in your shoes and I’m not now but was, then giving the baby away for me would not be an option, I couldn’t give my own flesh and blood away.
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I second this. Adoption is a beautiful process, but when it involves very young women, or women who are capable of caring for their offspring (e.g. no addictions or abuses) I see a lot of remorse and heartache, even to the point of mental illness.

Are you financially and physically able to help her? How well does she complete school? Is her boyfriend someone who can grow up and help out, or does it have to be a strict no-contact situation?

P.s. why not start off by taking her to a Christopher West seminar. www.christopherwest.com
 
You and your entire family are in our prayers. It is an enormous, life altering decision, whether your daughter chooses to raise the child, with your help, or decides to give the baby up. I am an adopted child myself, who met my birth mother in my late 40s, a few years before she died. In my case, it is clear that being adopted was the best thing that could have happened to me.

Adoption is very different, in many instances, these days - much more open, should both families choose. It must feel like the end of the world right now, and I can only imagine the emotions you must be feeling.

Your daughter is blessed to have good parents whom she trusted enough to tell. It will be hard, but life goes on. As my late mother, a very conservative woman who was active for decades in the pro-life movement always said in these instances, “there are a lot worse things than having a baby.”
 
I was adopted through Catholic Charities. My birthmother had me when she was 13, so of course my situation is a little different. Also back in the 1970’s open adoptions were not common. But I too highly recommend calling Catholic Charities.
 
I agree with the other posters not to pressure her to put the baby up for adoption. Just offer your support either way and let her know that she has your love. If she really wants to keep this baby but is scared, remind her that many, many young parents keep their babies AND also finish their education and go on to make a decent life. It is possible.

This is not the end of the world! Keep reminding yourself of that. I know it sounds devastating right now, but things could be so much worse. Your dd could have come home with an STD, she could be diagnosed with cancer, she could be killed in a car accident. But instead of all of those truly devastating events, she’s pregnant. And yes, it’s quite a detour in all of your plans, but now there’s a precious baby on the way and that’s a good thing! And now there is room for HOPE. 👍
 
I can’t thank all of you enough who have posted - I have needed to hear (“read”) those reminders that there are many worse things she could have, and I appreciate all of your prayers! I told my daughter we didn’t have to decide anything today, so I’ll keep you posted - THANK YOU!
 
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