Pregnant Teenager

[snowfly]

I should say that I’m biased here, because my husband and I have not been able to have children and are hoping to adopt.

Yes, but I’m sure the orphanages are full of unwanted babies, and I hope you do adopt children and that they bring you happiness.

My son and his girlfriend hit me with this news a few years ago, off-course I sort of knew she was pregnant with her being sick in the mornings etc.

Then I had to fight it out with her parents who didn’t want her to have the baby, even had her father come to my house, but I laid it down for him what I thought about abortion as a Catholic.

She was Protestant and they couldn’t stand the idea of her having a baby to a Catholic.

But the baby was born and she is almost 7 and they off-course have taken over, but at least shes alive, and they love her to bits
( a far cry from her grandmother looking to the Internet for abortion clinics in England.)

I know yours is a different situation, but I’ve been in your situation too, my parents raised 14 of us, how only God knows.

Also I don’t think adoption clinics over here are as open as the USA, I know a grandmother who laments not seeing her grandson, who is now a man in his 30’s and I’m sure her and the mother have no idea where he is.

 

[Cecilia1963]

It is not wrong to consider adoption - but IMHO it must be your daughter who is doing the considering, not you. The child is not yours and she will have to live with her decision to keep/adopt out the baby for the rest of her life…therefore, please don’t pressure her. I know three women who got pregnant at 15, who are now my age, and have done just fine, as have their kids. It’s not impossible. Whatever she decides, she’s going to need your support - and I don’t mean financially here, but emotionally. (As long as that doesn’t involve abortion, of course.)

I’m a little curious – while I’ve really appreciated everybody’s comments, the majority of posts seem to concur with this one, particularly in that it is her baby so the choice ultimately should be hers (my daughter’s, that is|). I can’t agree with this completely when it does not just affect her. At age 15, she still needs our home and our financial support - my husband and I have been struggling to make ends meet as it is, so I have to keep working, and my daughter needs to finish school. I agree she needs to be a part of the decision making, and I want to see her take responsibility for the choice she made that got her into this position in the first place. But I can’t have her make a decision, then drop the ball on her responsibility, because we simply cannot afford to pick it up for her at the cost of me losing my job to take care of a baby. So I need to see her being realistic, which is why I see it as more of a family decision, not just hers and her boyfriend’s. I’m not totally against her keeping the baby, but I think she needs to consider all options, and to consider adoption as a means of giving a great gift to both her baby and another family.

 

[masondoggy]

I’m a little curious – while I’ve really appreciated everybody’s comments, the majority of posts seem to concur with this one, particularly in that it is her baby so the choice ultimately should be hers (my daughter’s, that is|). I can’t agree with this completely when it does not just affect her. At age 15, she still needs our home and our financial support - my husband and I have been struggling to make ends meet as it is, so I have to keep working, and my daughter needs to finish school. I agree she needs to be a part of the decision making, and I want to see her take responsibility for the choice she made that got her into this position in the first place. But I can’t have her make a decision, then drop the ball on her responsibility, because we simply cannot afford to pick it up for her at the cost of me losing my job to take care of a baby. So I need to see her being realistic, which is why I see it as more of a family decision, not just hers and her boyfriend’s. I’m not totally against her keeping the baby, but I think she needs to consider all options, and to consider adoption as a means of giving a great gift to both her baby and another family.

You’re very right that it is a family decision. But you also have to keep in mind while making your decision, that forcing your daughter to give up her baby WILL traumatize her and likely cause her a lifetime of psychological/emotional problems. I have witnessed this first hand with my aunt who was forced to give up a child when she was a teen. It has ugly, nasty lifelong consequences for the birth mother.

That’s why it is so important for it to be a decision that she wants so that she can find peace instead of bitterness.

As for finances, as in any situation where a baby comes along, God will provide. You have to put it in His hands.

 

[mary_s_kid]

You’re very right that it is a family decision. But you also have to keep in mind while making your decision, that forcing your daughter to give up her baby WILL traumatize her and likely cause her a lifetime of psychological/emotional problems. I have witnessed this first hand with my aunt who was forced to give up a child when she was a teen. It has ugly, nasty lifelong consequences for the birth mother.

That’s why it is so important for it to be a decision that she wants so that she can find peace instead of bitterness.

As for finances, as in any situation where a baby comes along, God will provide. You have to put it in His hands.

I don’t see the OP as saying she is going to force her daughter to do anything. IMO, she is being realistic, not pie in the sky. From her post, it will be a sacrifice for the OP to help raise her grandchild seeing as her own child is only 15. It is a family decision that has to be made, not just the daughter’s.

 

[rayne89]

If the parents can’t afford to help the teen then they should go to a crisis pregnancy center for resources. Birthright is a good place to start. birthright.org/ The choice to place a child for a adoption has to be the mother and father’s -not grandparents or any other relatives, friends etc.
OptionLine is another good source.
optionline.org/

 

[Cecilia1963]

If the parents can’t afford to help the teen then they should go to a crisis pregnancy center for resources. Birthright is a good place to start. birthright.org/ The choice to place a child for a adoption has to be the mother and father’s -not grandparents or any other relatives, friends etc.
OptionLine is another good source.
optionline.org/

With all due respect, you would have my daughter go to strangers at a Crisis Pregnancy center over having her make the decision with her family, in an environment where we fully intend to help her seek out all the facts, and all of the pro-life choices? How can you place a decision like this solely in the hands of a 15-year-old, whose poor judgement got her into this situation in the first place?

 

[Cecilia1963]

I don’t see the OP as saying she is going to force her daughter to do anything. IMO, she is being realistic, not pie in the sky. From her post, it will be a sacrifice for the OP to help raise her grandchild seeing as her own child is only 15. It is a family decision that has to be made, not just the daughter’s.

Thank you, Mary - that is exactly how I feel

 

[Linnyo]

With all due respect, you would have my daughter go to strangers at a Crisis Pregnancy center over having her make the decision with her family, in an environment where we fully intend to help her seek out all the facts, and all of the pro-life choices? How can you place a decision like this solely in the hands of a 15-year-old, whose poor judgement got her into this situation in the first place?

The Birthright one did not appear to be either pro choice or pro life but the 2nd link certainly did appear to have a lot about abortion although it seemed to be highlighting the pitfalls of abortion. Are these Catholic charities?

 

[rayne89]

With all due respect, you would have my daughter go to strangers at a Crisis Pregnancy center over having her make the decision with her family, in an environment where we fully intend to help her seek out all the facts, and all of the pro-life choices? How can you place a decision like this solely in the hands of a 15-year-old, whose poor judgement got her into this situation in the first place?

I said if the parents can not afford to help their daughter to seek outside resources. I place it in her hands because she is mother of her baby. I didn’t say that you, as the parents, shouldn’t discuss adoption as an option or the reality of the situation and what the teen mom’s responsabilities will be if she choses to keep her baby. If you can not help her the most compassionate thing to do is to direct her to sources that can. I think that is better than pressuring her to give her baby to “strangers”, as loving and wonderful as they may be, if she wants to keep her baby.I am adopted and I think adoption is wonderful, but I think it’s up to the biological parents to decide.

Both the organizations I listed are pro-life, and support adoption as an option if the mother choses.

The reality of the situation is even though she is a minor, now that she is pregnant, the law looks at her differently. I know because my bestfriend just went through this with her daughter.

 

[rayne89]

The Birthright one did not appear to be either pro choice or pro life but the 2nd link certainly did appear to have a lot about abortion although it seemed to be highlighting the pitfalls of abortion. Are these Catholic charities?

Both organizations are listed on the Priests for Life website.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Oh, Cecilia, I am so sorry you are going through this. And I agree with you. Your daughter is still a minor child who can’t even drive or vote. So here you have a situation where she has to make adult decisions? She is still on your health insurance, you are still responsible for her.

And the “boyfriend” is no financially liable for child support.

I have told my daughters that if they sleep with any guy and they are underage and he isn’t, I’ll slap charges of statutory rape on him so fast his head will spin. And the rest of his life he will wear the label of a “child molester.” That will guarantee hers won’t be the only life ruined while the guy gets off scot free.

And they know I’ll do it. I’m that mean. So if they care about the guy, they won’t put him in that position.

Having said that, the role of grandmother in your situation will become very muddled if she keeps the baby.

In a different day and age, you both would have gone on a trip and come back with “your” baby and no one, least of all the baby, would have known big sister was really its mother.

You would have raised the child as your own.

I’ve seen it where grandma becomes the virtual mother. That’s fine while daughter is in school and working and everything. Then it comes time to leave and take “her” child with her. Then the problems start. The kids have started calling grandma “mom.” Mom realizes she’s used her mother for years and now is going to take away her de facto child(ren).

It all becomes a mess of overlapping boundaries. Please get counselling.

This could make your daughter grow up real quickly. Some day you may look back at things and see that this detour kept her from going down an even worse road. Because once teens start sneaking out, they get involved in drugs and drinking and other things too. Now your daughter can’t do that. So this baby may end up being her anchor.

Good luck. Please keep us posted. Prayers your way.

 

[1ke]

With all due respect, you would have my daughter go to strangers at a Crisis Pregnancy center over having her make the decision with her family, in an environment where we fully intend to help her seek out all the facts, and all of the pro-life choices? How can you place a decision like this solely in the hands of a 15-year-old, whose poor judgement got her into this situation in the first place?

You can go to Catholic Charities, Birthright, etc, as a family. Certainly you should go too. No one has stated or implied that you should not be involved in the decision. But professional, trained counselors can help all of you during this time of stress.

I know that at Catholic Charities, they not only had a caseworker do counseling with my sister, and family counseling, but they also did peer counseling with girls who had kept their babies and girls that had placed for adoption. I think this gave my sister the reality check that made her decide on adoption.

 

[mary_s_kid]

In thinking about your situation, I had another thought. Our school district has a social worker available for all kinds of family crisis. I’m sure they would know of all the community supports for pregnant teens who plan on keeping their baby. Even if you homeschool I bet you could contact them. Hopefully, it will help with your family’s decision.

I wanted to add a congratulations to you for raising your daughter in such a way that she is not afraid to come to you for help and in that she didn’t run off with the boyfriend to an abortion mill to get rid of her “problem”. Good job on that, Mom:thumbsup:

 

[Cecilia1963]

In thinking about your situation, I had another thought. Our school district has a social worker available for all kinds of family crisis. I’m sure they would know of all the community supports for pregnant teens who plan on keeping their baby. Even if you homeschool I bet you could contact them. Hopefully, it will help with your family’s decision.

I wanted to add a congratulations to you for raising your daughter in such a way that she is not afraid to come to you for help and in that she didn’t run off with the boyfriend to an abortion mill to get rid of her “problem”. Good job on that, Mom:thumbsup:

Thanks, Mary’s Kid – right now, it pretty much feels like I must have done everything wrong, so I appreciate the postive spin!

 

[kage_ar]

I would suggest calling a professional - Dr. Ray Gurrendi is very Catholic, and I’ve heard parents in your shoes call his program.

Prayres here for you all!

 

[mamacita]

**I myself was in the type of situation that your DD is in. I got pregnant by a guy who was my b-friend at the time. He ended up leaving when I was 3 months pregnant. My mom, grandpa, and just about everyone wanted me to give up the baby including the ex-boyfriend. I personally could never have done that. I kept my son and raised him as a single mom til he was 3 and 1/2 years old when I married my husband. I went to college, and worked full time while raising him alone w/ out any child support. I didn’t want the guy’s money, I didn’t want anything to do with him at that time. I am glad I didn’t pursue child support because it made it much easier when I wanted him to sign over his rights and allow my husband to adopt my DS. I am so grateful everyday that I made the decision to keep my son. It took much sacrifice on my part but I wouldn’t have traded it for the world! :extrahappy:

Please, please don’t pressure her into adoption. I know that it is a wonderful thing and that many couples are longing to adopt but let her decide what to do. Do let her know her options but don’t force her to do it. She may resent you down the road if you force her to do anything whether keeping or choosing adoption. Just my :twocents: Feel free to PM me if you have questions about my situation. **

 

[housewife]

Even though it would hurt me, I would give it up for adoption. For the baby’s sake. We can’t be selfish to think about, me me me me and me. “I am going to be so sad for the rest of my life if I give this baby up for adoption…”

It’s not about I, but about the future of this baby. Will the baby be better off with a 15 year old mother or with a couple who are prepared and willing to love and care for a child?

It is a hard thing to deal with. I have not been in something like this personally, however, I think that is what I would definitely do even if it hurts me but its not about me or anyone else at this time. It is about the baby.

 

[housewife]

**
Please, please don’t pressure her into adoption. I know that it is a wonderful thing and that many couples are longing to adopt but let her decide what to do. Do let her know her options but don’t force her to do it. **

Sounds like great advice to me.

 

[sanctareparata]

I can’t agree with this completely when it does not just affect her. At age 15, she still needs our home and our financial support - my husband and I have been struggling to make ends meet as it is, so I have to keep working, and my daughter needs to finish school.

Cecilia - here’s my take on this.

Yes, your daughter still needs your home and financial support. That is without question…and it is YOUR right as her parents to lay down the “law” in the house: Daughter, YOU get a part time job, YOU provide the diapers and the clothes. YOU can get by with thrift store/second hand clothing just fine, YOU will have to pay for sitters if Dad and I cannot or do not want to babysit, YOU will be the one waking up to care for the infant and staying up at night when Baby is ill, etc. You can tell her she will be kicked out of the home if she sneaks out, drinks, does drugs, etc. You can suggest breastfeeding (because it’s free) and cloth diapering (because it’s cheaper). You can encourage her to start working now and putting money aside for the baby.

Cecilia1963:

I agree she needs to be a part of the decision making, and I want to see her take responsibility for the choice she made that got her into this position in the first place.

IMHO, no, she does not need to be a “part” of the decision making. She needs to be the *only *one who makes the decision. You are there for guidance, direction, reassurance and support. Not to tell her what to do or even pressure her one way or the other, because pressure can drive a very hard wedge between the two of you. Do that, and I can almost guarantee that she WILL one day resent you and your husband for making her do this against her will. This is her baby. Her very first child…this will probably be the toughest decision of her life. A decision she will have to live with forever.

Now, that doesn’t mean you can’t together seek guidance. Or that you can’t look into adoption with her - checking out different agencies, families, legalities, etc. But it should not be something you are pressuring her to do if her heart really does not want to do this.

Cecilia:

I’m not totally against her keeping the baby, but I think she needs to consider all options, and to consider adoption as a means of giving a great gift to both her baby and another family.

Yes - you can tell her this. But don’t be biased. Keeping the baby will also be giving your own family quite a great blessing, as well!

You should sit down with her and tell her what life will be like if she keeps the baby as well. She needs to understand what raising a child will entail, and where you and your husband will draw the line. Will you help purchase things your grandchild will need? Will you be a free babysitting service to her?

But leave the final decision to her. Don’t pressure her or belittle her decision…(not that you will - but for an example Can you imagine if she tells you she wants to keep her baby and she hears, day in and day out, “You’re making a bad decision.” “You’ll never be able to finish school.” “You’re going to regret this.” “This is going to be a huge burden on your father and I.” “What are YOU going to do with a baby?” etc… How do you think she’ll end feeling? I would feel pretty rotten, and think that my decision to keep my child was stupid and worthless. And that my parents didn’t give a hoot about their grandchild. That would probably hurt the worst.

Likewise, if she is determined to give the child up for adoption, your support should also be there. After meeting your grandchild, your feelings may do a flip flop on you and you may find that you really want her to keep this baby, after all. If she wants to give the baby up, how awful if one’s parents try to reverse that hard, emotional decision. You know?

Either way - whatever she chooses - in the end, please let the choice be hers, and then support her in that.

Cecilia1963:

But I can’t have her make a decision, then drop the ball on her responsibility, because we simply cannot afford to pick it up for her at the cost of me losing my job to take care of a baby.

But what if her decision is to adopt the baby out? Then what happens if she falls into a big depression and begins to resent you, pulls away from the family and just mentally and emotionally falls apart - and you have to lose your job in order to take care of your daughter?

Point being - don’t base this on what ifs. ANYTHING can happen as a result of either decision. Pray about this, help her, give her your support, and give the rest of it to God.

 

[sanctareparata]

Disclaimer - I can’t say I know any of this from the experience of a mother whose daughter has come to her saying she’s pregnant and unmarried. But I do know this from the experience of being the pregnant, unmarried daughter. And believe me - what you say and do now, and how you act towards all this, will either bless or haunt your daughter for the rest of her life. There are so many things my parents said and did when I was unmarried and pregnant that I have never been able to forget.