Preparing Millenials For Marriage

[JimG]

Somebody has to do it. I’m glad it’s not me. I’m not sure which direction I would take. But I found this interesting.

“But when a Pre-Cana speaker fires the word “sin” at a gathering of Millennials, he is shutting down half the audience. They will tune out whatever else the speaker has to say. He has committed an error warned against repeatedly by the Magisterium – legalism.”

Preparing Millenials for Marriage

What kind of marriage prep works best?

 

[TheSurvivor]

Somebody has to do it. I’m glad it’s not me. I’m not sure which direction I would take. But I found this interesting.

“But when a Pre-Cana speaker fires the word “sin” at a gathering of Millennials, he is shutting down half the audience. They will tune out whatever else the speaker has to say. He has committed an error warned against repeatedly by the Magisterium – legalism.”

Preparing Millenials for Marriage

What kind of marriage prep works best?

Sounds like a bunch of garbage. Spades need to be called spades; this is not legalism. If marriage preparation teachers don’t tell people how to live morally, who will?

 

[Art321]

Somebody has to do it. I’m glad it’s not me. I’m not sure which direction I would take. But I found this interesting.

“But when a Pre-Cana speaker fires the word “sin” at a gathering of Millennials, he is shutting down half the audience. They will tune out whatever else the speaker has to say. He has committed an error warned against repeatedly by the Magisterium – legalism.”

Preparing Millenials for Marriage

What kind of marriage prep works best?

If I may offer my thoughts… Though I’ve not married nor with any future plans of getting hitched in the future due to my status of being single, I myself am a millenial. Anyway, I actually enjoyed the article and do happen to agree with most of his points. It truly is sad that many in my generation don’t know or understand the Church’s teaching in regards to sexuality, our relationship to each other as male and female in marriage among other things. Personally, I wouldn’t be put off by someone who is genuinely concerned for our souls and presents the Truth as long as it is never done in a condescending way. It needs to be done with a gentle heart but nevertheless it must be done since for almost 3 generations, many leaders in our Church failed to present the Authentic Truth while watering down many if not all aspects of the Holy Faith.

That is why I thank people like Bishop Barron and Pope Francis with our late Pope Benedict by showing us that our Faith is one that is rich in the Sacred Tradition, History, Theology, Art, Music, Philosophy! So much that the Church has to offer and many Catholics barely scatch the surface of it all… Sorry, guess I’m rambling a bit!

Though in regards to Holy Matrimony, offer the Truth clearly and precisely, but as Bishop Barron said we must show the Beautiful, the Good, and then the Truth in that order! Show why being married is a blessing and beautiful for the Church and for themselves in theological terms. This goes all the way back to our very beginnings. The good that comes from Holy Marriage being the close union that they form and the children that comes from that. They become the domestic church! And finally comes the Truth itself which is beautiful as well! After all, only living in the Truth, shall we be truly free!

Our way is never easy as I’m starting to understand and it is the hardest path to walk in this life! But from my understanding, the joy that comes from this is worth more that the whole world and its fallen ways will ever give us. Ok ok. That’s enough rambling for now!

 

[agapewolf]

Sounds like a bunch of garbage. Spades need to be called spades; this is not legalism. If marriage preparation teachers don’t tell people how to live morally, who will?

Did you read the article? I think he’s dead on.

He’s not saying it is legalism…he’s saying the audience’s view would be legalism. And that is true.

You can say something is a “sin” … but if the audience does not understand what that word means, or their own relativisitc approach to it puts it in a category in the minds, you haven’t effectively “called a spade”.

Instead, teaching the legit harms of the sins, how it can drastically negatively effect you, and explaining why it is wrong is still teaching that its a sin without using the word upfront. (and if done effectively, the word still can be used, once defined and explained).

 

[JimG]

If I may offer my thoughts… Though I’ve not married nor with any future plans of getting hitched in the future due to my status of being single, I myself am a millenial. Anyway, I actually enjoyed the article and do happen to agree with most of his points. It truly is sad that many in my generation don’t know or understand the Church’s teaching in regards to sexuality, our relationship to each other as male and female in marriage among other things. Personally, I wouldn’t be put off by someone who is genuinely concerned for our souls and presents the Truth as long as it is never done in a condescending way. It needs to be done with a gentle heart but nevertheless it must be done since for almost 3 generations, many leaders in our Church failed to present the Authentic Truth while watering down many if not all aspects of the Holy Faith.

That is why I thank people like Bishop Barron and Pope Francis with our late Pope Benedict by showing us that our Faith is one that is rich in the Sacred Tradition, History, Theology, Art, Music, Philosophy! So much that the Church has to offer and many Catholics barely scatch the surface of it all… Sorry, guess I’m rambling a bit!

Though in regards to Holy Matrimony, offer the Truth clearly and precisely, but as Bishop Barron said we must show the Beautiful, the Good, and then the Truth in that order! Show why being married is a blessing and beautiful for the Church and for themselves in theological terms. This goes all the way back to our very beginnings. The good that comes from Holy Marriage being the close union that they form and the children that comes from that. They become the domestic church! And finally comes the Truth itself which is beautiful as well! After all, only living in the Truth, shall we be truly free!

Our way is never easy as I’m starting to understand and it is the hardest path to walk in this life! But from my understanding, the joy that comes from this is worth more that the whole world and its fallen ways will ever give us. Ok ok. That’s enough rambling for now!

I think you put the matter quite well, especially in saying “It needs to be done with a gentle heart but nevertheless it must be done since for almost 3 generations, many leaders in our Church failed to present the Authentic Truth while watering down many if not all aspects of the Holy Faith.”

Watered down teachings to those generations was a disservice to them; I think some are justifiably angry when they are finally taught things that should have been taught long ago. But as you say, it must be done with a gentle heart.

 

[Naskor]

Sounds like a bunch of garbage. Spades need to be called spades; this is not legalism. If marriage preparation teachers don’t tell people how to live morally, who will?

I think the same way. In the article it seems like the author isn’t dealing with people who want an authentic Catholic marriage, but people who want a catholic marriage ceremony. These people see the prep as a hoop to jump through.

 

[Allegra]

It has always been my opinion that in the vast majority of cases, a person who had reached the age of majority and is planning a marriage has probably already cemented their beliefs about what is moral and immoral in a marriage to the extent that anything that is said in a weekend pre-cana presentation is not very likely to change their mind. If people are going to be prepared for marriage, the Church needs to get on with that waaaaay before they’ve already set a wedding date.

 

[kozlosap]

The entire pre-canna effort should be rethought. The majority of couples in my huge parish are between the ages of 25-35, college educated, AND living together for a few years. They are not the 18-25 year olds from 1950.

 

[Anglewannabe]

This is a classic case of looking at the splinter in someone else’s eye instead of the log in our own. Look at the older people, they are living together outside of marriage and many of them get married at city hall because the church won’t marry a divorced person. The younger generation has been brought up with seeing mom bring a man into her bedroom who is not their father and every second weekend going to dad’s house. How silly to expect them to behave morally.

If I want younger people to behave properly I do my best to live properly myself and leave judgment up to God

Angie

 

[Richard_White]

I read the article and I think that the author makes several good points. We definitely need to stress the true teachings of God and His Church, but we also have to meet people where they are and not bark at them too much.

May God bless you all now and forever!

 

[Sarcelle]

This is a classic case of looking at the splinter in someone else’s eye instead of the log in our own. Look at the older people, they are living together outside of marriage and many of them get married at city hall because the church won’t marry a divorced person. The younger generation has been brought up with seeing mom bring a man into her bedroom who is not their father and every second weekend going to dad’s house. How silly to expect them to behave morally.

If I want younger people to behave properly I do my best to live properly myself and leave judgment up to God

Angie

Speaking as a member of Gen X, you are spot on.

A lot of Millenials have never had the chance of a seeing a solid Catholic marriage lived out.

This is a huge hurdle to overcome.

 

[pensmama87]

Speaking as a member of Gen X, you are spot on.

A lot of Millenials have never had the chance of a seeing a solid Catholic marriage lived out.

This is a huge hurdle to overcome.

As a millenial who is married, I agree. Both my husband and I grew up in intact homes, as did pretty much everyone else we know who is married, Catholic or not.

Many of my single friends have expressed at some level a fear of betrayal - that they would make themselves vulnerable in marriage only to be taken advantage of. I think my generation can be fairly accused of being superficial, cynical, etc - but really I think it’s a protection thing. Lots of us were taught to only look out for ourselves because other people will hurt you if they can, even people who are supposed to protect you.

 

[Sarcelle]

As a millenial who is married, I agree. Both my husband and I grew up in intact homes, as did pretty much everyone else we know who is married, Catholic or not.

Many of my single friends have expressed at some level a fear of betrayal - that they would make themselves vulnerable in marriage only to be taken advantage of. I think my generation can be fairly accused of being superficial, cynical, etc - but really I think it’s a protection thing. Lots of us were taught to only look out for ourselves because other people will hurt you if they can, even people who are supposed to protect you.

Yes.

We members of Gen X also feel the same way. There is a deep distrust in the notion that marriage can last a lifetime, since by our experience, a lot of marriages have not.

Growing up I have seen a lot marriages tank or have seen what infidelity has done. Having a good marriage seemed to be like a luck of the draw, like winning the lottery. Possible but not common.

 

[marymary1975]

It has always been my opinion that in the vast majority of cases, a person who had reached the age of majority and is planning a marriage has probably already cemented their beliefs about what is moral and immoral in a marriage to the extent that anything that is said in a weekend pre-cana presentation is not very likely to change their mind. If people are going to be prepared for marriage, the Church needs to get on with that waaaaay before they’ve already set a wedding date.

I am in complete agreement with you. If we are waiting until pecans to prepare Catholics about marriage that is really problematic. Most of the time what instructors say at precana goes into one ear just to come out straight off the other ear. The church needs to start preparing people waaaay before precana

 

[Xantippe]

Yes.

We members of Gen X also feel the same way. There is a deep distrust in the notion that marriage can last a lifetime, since by our experience, a lot of marriages have not.

Growing up I have seen a lot marriages tank or have seen what infidelity has done. Having a good marriage seemed to be like a luck of the draw, like winning the lottery. Possible but not common.

I’m a Gen Xer, too, and while my parents and grandparents had intact marriages, there was at least one very bad example among them (probably two). And I didn’t until very recently even realize what a very bad example it was.

 

[Norseman82]

Isn’t failing to speak out against sin because we were “afraid of losing people” what got us into this problem in the first place?

In John 6, did Jesus back off on Eucharistic teaching when many left Him because the teaching was “too hard”?

 

[EasterJoy]

What kind of marriage prep works best?

A lifetime spent around successful marriages in all their charming imperfection, a realistic view of life that looks to get everyone’s needs met before seeing to unnecessary desires, an understanding of self that believes that loving others is the ultimate in self-realization, a willingness to learn to communicate and to live within restricted material means…

I guess learning a mature Christian attitude and seeing what successful marriages look like firsthand, as an inoculation against romantic and unattainable nonsense that is the enemy of both perseverance and contentment.

In the short term? Get communication going and make certain that important topics have at least come up between the couple, preferably well before the invitations have been ordered. Some of the biggest issues in marriage were never talked about beforehand.

 

[JimG]

A lifetime spent around successful marriages in all their charming imperfection, a realistic view of life that looks to get everyone’s needs met before seeing to unnecessary desires, an understanding of self that believes that loving others is the ultimate in self-realization, a willingness to learn to communicate and to live within restricted material means…

I guess learning a mature Christian attitude and seeing what successful marriages look like firsthand, as an inoculation against romantic and unattainable nonsense that is the enemy of both perseverance and contentment.

In the short term? Get communication going and make certain that important topics have at least come up between the couple, preferably well before the invitations have been ordered. Some of the biggest issues in marriage were never talked about beforehand.

I can surely agree with this. When I married, both my wife and I had experienced a lot of successful marriages among our families, friends, and acquaintances. We had little experience of failed marriages. Today, the situation is nearly the opposite. Young people have experienced failed marriages close up and often, frequently among family and friends. In fact, your first paragraph above might be nearly incomprehensible to them.

At our marriage, the vows were preceded by the “exhortation before marriage,” that used to be recited by the priest, with its allusion to the great principle of self sacrifice. That exhortation is no longer use d, maybe because no one believes it any longer, or would find it incomprehensible. (The exhortation was quoted in a CAF post a few years ago here.)

Millennials and others no longer trust marriage; they seem unable to trust in the possibility of fidelity and permanence. And that is a great challenge.

 

[EasterJoy]

I can surely agree with this. When I married, both my wife and I had experienced a lot of successful marriages among our families, friends, and acquaintances. We had little experience of failed marriages. Today, the situation is nearly the opposite. Young people have experienced failed marriages close up and often, frequently among family and friends. In fact, your first paragraph above might be nearly incomprehensible to them.

At our marriage, the vows were preceded by the “exhortation before marriage,” that used to be recited by the priest, with its allusion to the great principle of self sacrifice. That exhortation is no longer use d, maybe because no one believes it any longer, or would find it incomprehensible. (The exhortation was quoted in a CAF post a few years ago here.)

Millennials and others no longer trust marriage; they seem unable to trust in the possibility of fidelity and permanence. And that is a great challenge.

If you were to start a marriage preparation by reading that exhortation and having a Q&A with some people knowledgeable about what typically frustrates good-faith but misguided attempts at marriage, that would be a good start.

If a marriage were to last without a firm resolve to maintain fidelity and permanence by sustained acts of will, it is simply dumb luck if it lasts. It would be like a building that stood because it happened to have been built somewhere that by good fortune was sheltered from its time’s worst storms.

 

[Naskor]

I agree with everyone saying the best way to prepare people for marriage is for them to grow up with many examples of good marriages.

But that’s not going to do any good for millennials.