Pretend to be catholic, or lose extended family?

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Hi,

I hope that my post is welcome here. I really need some advice about our situation with my husband’s Catholic family because I really don’t know what else to do. My husband grew up in a very conservative Catholic family and has left the church. I grew up Methodist. We’ve been married for 12 years and have 4 kids (ages 9,7,4,4). My husband has an extremely rocky relationship with his parents (mostly
due to his leaving the church), and that has greatly intensified since we married and had kids. When we first married (eloped on the beach) they were upset that we hadn’t married in a church and mentioned it a few times. However, they didn’t bring it up terribly often and our relationship with them was “ok” (not great, some tension, but no arguments). When we had our first baby and didn’t baptize him, the whole relationship completely blew up. His parents were upset (and we did and still do understand why) and behaved very poorly hurling insults, threats, and calling my husband names. Despite this, we continued trying to keep a relationship with them and I sent frequent baby photos, videos, texts etc to keep them updated. His dad distanced himself from us (in his own words) and didn’t meet our son until he was 6 months old (despite them living only 2hrs away from us at the time). Honestly, I thought their anger would eventually “blow over”. 9 years later- it hasn’t- and I just don’t know what to do about them anymore. The relationship has gradually deteriorated over the years, and at this point, we are nearly estranged. We moved cross-country three years ago for my husband’s job, and that does not help. It has been a cycle of: (1) we see them, ignore these issues, and have a nice visit and then (2) shortly after, they call (or often, write a letter) to lecture, criticize, bring up these issues again. They call my husband selfish & materialistic, say he doesn’t care about the family, guilt him about how much he is hurting them, say they feel they have failed as parents etc. Every time this happens, my husband gets angrier and pulls away further. They don’t talk for awhile, and then his parents (his mom, usually) will suddenly start acting very nice and as if nothing ever happened. They tentatively “make up” for awhile- until the next time. Then the cycle repeats, with the relationship getting worse and worse each time and them going longer and longer without talking. Right now, we haven’t seen them in about 2.5 years. He calls them on special occasions but that is all. This has also severely damaged his relationship with his (5) siblings. A few are as religious as his parents are, the rest more of the “casual catholic” variety (do sacraments, rarely attend mass). They are all very angry that he/we are upsetting his parents so much by not Brin Catholic. They want us to put his parents’ minds at ease and do not seem to care what we believe- they just want us to end his parents’ pain, however we need to do it. His mom frequently cries to them about the poor relationship and barely knowing her grandchildren- this makes his brother and sister feel terrible and very angry wih is so they have also distanced themselves . Our children barely know any of my husband’s family members and my husband is so hurt by all of this. At this point, I honeslty can’t stand my Inlaws. have tried and tried over the years to reach out, send photos and videos of our kids, send gifts, etc. I have finally given up as it doesn’t seem to help matters (and actually occasionally makes things worse). That said, my husband is so badly hurt and I feel sorry that my kids barely know their Dad’s side of the family. I am beginning to wonder if it would better to just…pretend? Pretend we’ve had a revelation and get remarried in the church the way they want, get the kids their baptisms, communion? Etc? We would just explain that we don’t believe, but we are doing it to preserve relations with dad’s family? I’ might be able to convince my husband to go along wih this, if i make all arramgements, drive the kids to any needed classes etc. I am not sure how he would ok it, but maybe??? And I KNOW how this sounds-- it would be blatant lying, asking our kids to lie too, disrespectful of the Church. Believe me, I know! And I am not trying to offend anyone here. I have tried being respectful of the church, and being honest, but at this point it is either (1) lie- which would probably improve relations with my inlaws a great deal! They would probably stop putting my husband down, etc and my kids would have an extended family or (2) leave things as they are. Thi situation will never get better if we don’t do this- only worse. If we do what they want, things are likely to improve a great deal- I want to see my husband happy and for them to treat him like he wonderful person he is. And it would put my inlaws out of their misery (hopefully). So, Catholic Answers, what would you do if you were me (IF I can convince my husband to go along)??? Lie to the church to fix family relations? Something else? I just don’t what else to do.
 
Do not pretend. Let me repeat: Do not pretend.

Be patient, be kind and try to understand but pretending to believe something when it is a lie is never a good thing. In the end it will cause a great deal more harm to you, your families and your children.

The basic rule is this: The ends do not justify the means.

However, it would not hurt to take Catholicism seriously and try to understand the Churches teachings.

It will be hard for you to separate your negative feelings because of what you are now going through but recognize that there may be more to Catholicism than meets the eye.
 
Pretending will get you nowhere. Your husband’s family will only be more upset and angry when they find out, and they will, because these things will inevitably will come out.

I can tell from your post that you want to have a good relationship with your in laws. I think you just have to accept that there are some things you just can’t change. You may have to accept not having a close relationship with them, despite wanting to. Your in laws don’t sound like good people to have around your children, honestly.

Lou
 
They chose to turn this into a fight, not your and you husband.

Depending on when your husband left the church (you weren’t clear when he did this), they may be muttering to themselves, “It’s all HER fault.” Which it isn’t, regardless of whether he left before or after he met you. Your husband is an adult and responsible for his own choices.

You do not owe it to anybody to join up with a religion you do not believe just to ‘make them happy’. You either join up because it’s what you believe, or you don’t join up at all. Plus, I’d bet dollar to doughnuts that even if you guys all did, your in-laws would just find something else to harangue you about.

They are choosing their own misery. Dump it on their doorstep where it belongs.
 
As HelenRose wrote so plainly, don’t pretend to be Catholic for your in-laws’ sake. The whole problem is theirs, as I see it and from what you’ve written. I blanche at what you must think of Catholics from their example. Even if they are concerned about their family members eternal fate, name-calling and shunning are not how Catholics are supposed to act towards their non-Catholic relatives no matter who they are.

Some parents feel they need to be the parent to their grown children no matter how old their children are and what they’ve decided to do/believe. They have some very odd ways of trying to reconvert their son, and convert you and your children, I must say. True conversion must come from within–it cannot be imposed from without, as I’m sure you agree. I fear I’m rambling, but I’m just so disappointed at how you’ve been treated–to the point you are considering pretending to be Catholic and even receiving sacraments of initiation that you do not want–it just boggle my mind.

To sum up, ignore your in-laws bad behavior. You don’t have to take their abuse. It’s so sad that your husband can’t have the relationship with his parents that he’d like you all to have but that’s on them, not you. You can’t change them nor can you make them relent, then the only thing you can do is keep the relationship with them as cordial as possible with as little contact as possible. I hope you won’t think me pushy if I offer a prayer or two for your situation. 😊 I wish you all the best. 🙂
 
Living a lie is not the answer. Trust me on that.

You CANNOT put your children through that

The only way really sad as it is is to distance yourself from them. Sad as that is, they are not going to change and your children do not need to be in this atmosphere.

Be polite, but no more than that.

It is a terrible situation but that way of deceit is the worst way
 
It’s your life, and your family. Your in laws have actually ZERO say on how you raise your family or what religion you choose to teach them or not teach them Zip. Nada.
 
Rosebud77 said:
Living a lie is not the answer. Trust me on that.

You CANNOT put your children through that

The only way really sad as it is is to distance yourself from them. Sad as that is, they are not going to change and your children do not need to be in this atmosphere.

Be polite, but no more than that.

It is a terrible situation but that way of deceit is the worst way
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This, OP. As others have said, this behaviour by your in laws is not acceptable and you shouldn’t have to put up with it, let alone have to live a lie to gain respite.

Lou
 
You really are willing to have RCIA for months at an end to join the RCC if you don’t believe in it? Really? I really don’t believe you could even if you wanted to go along this route. Catholicism is not so easy to join if you weren’t baptised as a young child.
A better option would be to say you are catholics and fabricate baptismal papers and pictures. :rolleyes: Not recommending it though, both aren’t recommendations. Lying isn’t the answer.

They have to come to peace that you are your own beings, not bound by the will of their parents, just as your children in time won’t be bound by your will. They might not like it. And they don’t have to like it. You guys don’t even have to be in contact.

But I really do also get the pain of the parents. If you are very religious and it is at the fiber of your being, your children denouncing the catholic faith boils down to them rejecting you and the upbringing you gave them. I really believe something like that wouldn’t sit well with some folks.
 
Having been in a situation of having to pretend for the sake of family, I would not recommend such an attempt.

Your lack of sincerity will eventually become noticed. It simply cannot escape detection…particularly once Grandma begins quizzing the children…

I do feel for your situation, however…I do wish systems of belief were not often this potentially divisive…
 
It seems that your post, and most of the responses have focused on the bad behavoir of your in-laws. How about this:

Would you have anything to lose by going to RCIA as a “learning experience?” Going to the classes does not obligate you to join the Church at the end.

If nothing else, this would buy time and you might have some of your objections to the church answered. And there’d be no lying involved. And your in-laws might be pacified for some period of time with your “concession” maybe to the point of “giving up.”

However, if you are absolutely positively sure that nobody or nothing will ever convince your husband and you to come to the church, and you’re not going to pretend anything, it doesn’t look like there’s much to work with here…🤷
 
In my opinion, this isn’t a religion issue. Your inlaws are controlling, manipulative, probably narcissistic meanies. Seriously, are these the actions of parents who are truly concerned with their son’s soul or do they seem more like a hissy fit of control freaks who aren’t getting their way? If you lied and said you’ve experienced a conversion and decided to raise your children Catholic, they would find some other point of contention to bully you over. You would not repair your relationship, in fact, you would set a precedent of letting them walk all over any boundary that you set and things would get even worse. Anyway, that’s my prediction, based on what you said. If you think I’m wrong, and you really think the only issue here is a difference in religion, then you could go a different route. Your husband could suggest meeting with their parish priest for some family mediation. A good priest would probably have some good advice for respecting one another boundaries and at the very least, might be able to convince your inlaws that the “fake it to make it” approach to sacraments is not in anyone’s best interest.
 
Allegra said:
In my opinion, this isn’t a religion issue. Your inlaws are controlling, manipulative, probably narcissistic meanies. Seriously, are these the actions of parents who are truly concerned with their son’s soul or do they seem more like a hissy fit of control freaks who aren’t getting their way? If you lied and said you’ve experienced a conversion and decided to raise your children Catholic, they would find some other point of contention to bully you over. You would not repair your relationship, in fact, you would set a precedent of letting them walk all over any boundary that you set and things would get even worse. .
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👍 Took the words right out of my mouth
 
ricmat said:
Would you have anything to lose by going to RCIA as a “learning experience?” Going to the classes does not obligate you to join the Church at the end.
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IMO this is really the main advice that should come from a Catholic website. We are taught to bring people to Christ so on this website, I can’t help but think ricmat suggestion is the best.

Also, beware. Being baptized means we now have certain graces. Because of these graces, we are expected to have more strength to live a Catholic lifestyle to get us into heaven. If you agree to be baptized, come judgment day, you will be measured by a much higher status. So, if you want to go to heaven, my suggestion is don’t be baptized unless you do plan on practicing the religion
 
fedupDIL said:
Hi,

I hope that my post is welcome here. I really need some advice about our situation with my husband’s Catholic family because I really don’t know what else to do. My husband grew up in a very conservative Catholic family and has left the church. I grew up Methodist. We’ve been married for 12 years and have 4 kids (ages 9,7,4,4). My husband has an extremely rocky relationship with his parents (mostly
due to his leaving the church), and that has greatly intensified since we married and had kids. When we first married (eloped on the beach) they were upset that we hadn’t married in a church and mentioned it a few times. However, they didn’t bring it up terribly often and our relationship with them was “ok” (not great, some tension, but no arguments). When we had our first baby and didn’t baptize him, the whole relationship completely blew up. His parents were upset (and we did and still do understand why) and behaved very poorly hurling insults, threats, and calling my husband names. Despite this, we continued trying to keep a relationship with them and I sent frequent baby photos, videos, texts etc to keep them updated. His dad distanced himself from us (in his own words) and didn’t meet our son until he was 6 months old (despite them living only 2hrs away from us at the time). Honestly, I thought their anger would eventually “blow over”. 9 years later- it hasn’t- and I just don’t know what to do about them anymore. The relationship has gradually deteriorated over the years, and at this point, we are nearly estranged. We moved cross-country three years ago for my husband’s job, and that does not help. It has been a cycle of: (1) we see them, ignore these issues, and have a nice visit and then (2) shortly after, they call (or often, write a letter) to lecture, criticize, bring up these issues again. They call my husband selfish & materialistic, say he doesn’t care about the family, guilt him about how much he is hurting them, say they feel they have failed as parents etc. Every time this happens, my husband gets angrier and pulls away further. They don’t talk for awhile, and then his parents (his mom, usually) will suddenly start acting very nice and as if nothing ever happened. They tentatively “make up” for awhile- until the next time. Then the cycle repeats, with the relationship getting worse and worse each time and them going longer and longer without talking. Right now, we haven’t seen them in about 2.5 years. He calls them on special occasions but that is all. This has also severely damaged his relationship with his (5) siblings. A few are as religious as his parents are, the rest more of the “casual catholic” variety (do sacraments, rarely attend mass). They are all very angry that he/we are upsetting his parents so much by not Brin Catholic. They want us to put his parents’ minds at ease and do not seem to care what we believe- they just want us to end his parents’ pain, however we need to do it. His mom frequently cries to them about the poor relationship and barely knowing her grandchildren- this makes his brother and sister feel terrible and very angry wih is so they have also distanced themselves . Our children barely know any of my husband’s family members and my husband is so hurt by all of this. At this point, I honeslty can’t stand my Inlaws. have tried and tried over the years to reach out, send photos and videos of our kids, send gifts, etc. I have finally given up as it doesn’t seem to help matters (and actually occasionally makes things worse). That said, my husband is so badly hurt and I feel sorry that my kids barely know their Dad’s side of the family. I am beginning to wonder if it would better to just…pretend? Pretend we’ve had a revelation and get remarried in the church the way they want, get the kids their baptisms, communion? Etc? We would just explain that we don’t believe, but we are doing it to preserve relations with dad’s family? I’ might be able to convince my husband to go along wih this, if i make all arramgements, drive the kids to any needed classes etc. I am not sure how he would ok it, but maybe??? And I KNOW how this sounds-- it would be blatant lying, asking our kids to lie too, disrespectful of the Church. Believe me, I know! And I am not trying to offend anyone here. I have tried being respectful of the church, and being honest, but at this point it is either (1) lie- which would probably improve relations with my inlaws a great deal! They would probably stop putting my husband down, etc and my kids would have an extended family or (2) leave things as they are. Thi situation will never get better if we don’t do this- only worse. If we do what they want, things are likely to improve a great deal- I want to see my husband happy and for them to treat him like he wonderful person he is. And it would put my inlaws out of their misery (hopefully). So, Catholic Answers, what would you do if you were me (IF I can convince my husband to go along)??? Lie to the church to fix family relations? Something else? I just don’t what else to do.
Click to expand...
Please do not pretend or involve the kids in such a deception. If the truth ever gets out (and it will) things would be worse than now and most likely not repairable. Make an appointment with a wise and holy priest. He will respect your feelings and concerns and can give you good advice on how to deal with your in laws. I agree that is not about religion, but control and manipulation on the part of your husbands parents; the priest can help with that too.
 
Catholic1954 said:
Please do not pretend or involve the kids in such a deception. If the truth ever gets out (and it will) things would be worse than now and most likely not repairable. Make an appointment with a wise and holy priest. He will respect your feelings and concerns and can give you good advice on how to deal with your in laws. I agree that is not about religion, but control and manipulation on the part of your husbands parents; the priest can help with that too.
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Where do you find such a priest please?
 
Catholic1954 said:
Please do not pretend or involve the kids in such a deception. If the truth ever gets out (and it will) things would be worse than now and most likely not repairable. Make an appointment with a wise and holy priest. He will respect your feelings and concerns and can give you good advice on how to deal with your in laws. I agree that is not about religion, but control and manipulation on the part of your husbands parents; the priest can help with that too.
Click to expand...
Where do you find such a priest please? And she is not Catholic?
 
You can’t pretend to be Catholic to please them and it’s not a good idea to live a big lie like that. Take the high road and accept what you can’t change. Your in laws are behaving badly, I know of loads of Catholic parents whose kids leave the faith (this is almost the norm in the UK) and they usually don’t behave like that. I think you should be polite and respectful but ignore them when the criticizing lectures start.

If you want to explore Catholicism for yourself then great but faith isn’t something you can be bullied into and it may not be a good idea to directly involve the in laws in this, at least until you have made a decision.
 
It sounds to me what the other posters have stated. It is not completely about becoming Catholic.

You stated the other relatives are fringe Catholic, do they treat the others this way too? Withholding contact and love because they don’t fully partcipate?

If they have a close relationship with these other family members, then they are harboring resentment to you and your husband for other reasons, and are running with an excuse of religion.

You cannot bring someone to the church by force or abusive behavior. If they included you, and made you feel loved, and accepted then modeled a life after what the church teaches, perhaps you would not have to pretend anything…

I am sorry that you only have these examples of what it means to be Catholic.
 
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