Pretend to be catholic, or lose extended family?

[Listener]

But we do things for people that we love even when we don’t want to do them. Jesus did not want to be crucified but he did it for us out of love. I couldn’t imagine visiting my parents and not going to Mass with them if I knew it was important to them–they wouldn’t need to attempt to force me to go–though they would never attempt to force me. We do things we don’t want to because we love. None of my siblings are practicing but they come to my children’s baptisms, first communion, etc.–not because they want to but because they love me and my children (well maybe not me but certainly my wife and children). I would never attempt to force them to come or guilt them into it (indeed I have one sibling who does not come and it does not come up between us and I do not let it upset me or hurt my feelings–it would do no good and I would find no peace if I let it–all I can do is love my sibling regardless and desire whats best for her).

We need to get the focus off of our needs, wants and desires and on to the needs of others. We need to be the best we can be and not worry about the shortcomings of others and on how they do not meet our needs or expectations. We need to attempt to make sure that our behavior does not aggravate any particular situation or relationship. All this is much easier said than done–especially in the dynamic of family relationships.

The OP is in a difficult situation and her in-laws have handled things rather badly, but pretending to be Catholic would not be a good idea. From the OP there is simply a lot we don’t know. Did the OP’s husband ever sit down or attempt to sit down with his parents and explain why he was leaving the Church? Did he attempt to explain to them that he wasn’t repudiating them or the way they raised him? (Or was he?) Did he respect his parents before all of this–and did he ever communicate that to them. Did he let them know it was not his intention to hurt them but for whatever reason he couldn’t remain in the Church? Did he attempt to soften the blow of leaving the faith–he had to know if would hurt them? Or did he just leave the Church, elope and think he wasn’t going to hurt his parents (or did he not care) and they’d simply get over his rejection of their life, their values and their upbringing of him? We simply don’t know all the background here. Of course one would have hoped that his parents would have taken more of the stance of the father in the story of the prodigal son–seems like a better approach to me, but there is a lot of back story here that we just don’t know–though I don’t think any of it would justify much of the behavior reported by the OP–behavior that, seems to me, counterproductive to what they would have liked to see happen. Contrary to exhibiting a peace and joy–given to them by their faith and something we all desire–they have apparently exhibited the exact opposite–one would have hoped that they would simply have done as Saint Monica did and prayed for their son, his wife, and their children while living our their faith in service to others. Hopefully all here will pray for them all–that they may find healing and reconciliation and peace and joy.

The peace of Christ,
Mark

This is an excellent post!

 

[MarkInOregon]

Well, maybe it’s just me and my little quirks, but I find it nearly intolerable to be forced to sit through an hour of something I vehemently disagree with.

I’d say it’s not just you–I’d say it’s most of us. I’d say most find it hard to sit through anything they simply don’t like or that inconveniences them. That’s why love can be hard at times. That’s why I said it is much easier said than done. The things I mentioned are things I didn’t understand when I was younger and I look back with much regret over the way I acted and at how I handled situations in the past. And even against my best efforts I still, at times today, fail to act in love and let things I shouldn’t upset my peace and joy and consequently other people–and so I ask God for the grace to correct these deficiencies in my character and to help me to not drive anyone away from the faith, but rather to help me to be filled with a love and peace that will attract people to the faith. I’m not sure how well I am succeeding, but it is my goal–one I believe we are called to as Christians.

The peace of Christ,
Mark

 

[Padres1969]

OP, you mention that several of your husband’s siblings families are at best “cafeteria” Catholics in that they go through the motions on big feasts but that’s about it. Do you know if your husband’s parents are equally as “up in their business” with regard to their faith and such as they are your husband? Or do they focus their efforts solely on your husband and yourself?

This might shed some light on what their real motivations are depending on if they’re more interested in getting your husband back fully, or if it’s really more of a cultural issue.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

People who aren’t grandparents just don’t get it. Try to imagine this - your kids and grandkids have been staying at your house for a week. You tried to raise your kids right. You have been working and slaving all week, cooking meal after meal. You would like to use your washing machine, but they have taken it over with their laundry. You have provided countless hours of free child care. Now it’s Sunday (or maybe even Christmas), and it’s time to go to church. You really hope they’ll join you, but they refuse to go. To my way of thinking, this is very rude! They have been pampered for an entire week, and they can’t do one little thing to please their parents/grandparents!

The idea of doing something you don’t want to do, out of respect for your elders, was a concept that I grew up with. These days, people only want to please themselves.

This sounds like a case of really, really bad manners. You should not be slaving away cooking meal after meal, you should be able to use your own appliances, and you should not be saddled with hours of childcare. Your kids should do things to make your life easier during their stay, not treat your home like an all-inclusive bed and breakfast.

But, going to church is not one of those things, and manners don’t require it. Hubby and I plan to have a pretty strict “No church outside of weddings or funerals” rule until our kids are at an age where we feel they can understand and handle religious discussions. So while no, we would not attend Mass with you, we would have a large, homemade brunch prepared in your tidied-up home when you came back.

 

[Padres1969]

People who aren’t grandparents just don’t get it. Try to imagine this - your kids and grandkids have been staying at your house for a week. You tried to raise your kids right. You have been working and slaving all week, cooking meal after meal. You would like to use your washing machine, but they have taken it over with their laundry. You have provided countless hours of free child care. Now it’s Sunday (or maybe even Christmas), and it’s time to go to church. You really hope they’ll join you, but they refuse to go. To my way of thinking, this is very rude! They have been pampered for an entire week, and they can’t do one little thing to please their parents/grandparents!

The idea of doing something you don’t want to do, out of respect for your elders, was a concept that I grew up with. These days, people only want to please themselves.

While I agree that some of what you mention is bad manners, the idea that they won’t go to church with you, a church they may not believe in, is bad manners is one I can’t agree with. They should be appreciative of the work you’ve done for their visit such as the cooking and such. And it’s rude that they’re tying up your appliances for hours on end and not showing gratitude in some way if they can. But going to church with you, especially if they’re not believers or members of your denomination is not something you should expect of them, nor something you should be offended by if they decline.

 

[Sarcelle]

This sounds like a case of really, really bad manners. You should not be slaving away cooking meal after meal, you should be able to use your own appliances, and you should not be saddled with hours of childcare. Your kids should do things to make your life easier during their stay, not treat your home like an all-inclusive bed and breakfast.

But, going to church is not one of those things, and manners don’t require it. Hubby and I plan to have a pretty strict “No church outside of weddings or funerals” rule until our kids are at an age where we feel they can understand and handle religious discussions. So while no, we would not attend Mass with you, we would have a large, homemade brunch prepared in your tidied-up home when you came back.

 

[Sarcelle]

But we do things for people that we love even when we don’t want to do them. Jesus did not want to be crucified but he did it for us out of love. I couldn’t imagine visiting my parents and not going to Mass with them if I knew it was important to them–they wouldn’t need to attempt to force me to go–though they would never attempt to force me. We do things we don’t want to because we love. None of my siblings are practicing but they come to my children’s baptisms, first communion, etc.–not because they want to but because they love me and my children (well maybe not me but certainly my wife and children). I would never attempt to force them to come or guilt them into it (indeed I have one sibling who does not come and it does not come up between us and I do not let it upset me or hurt my feelings–it would do no good and I would find no peace if I let it–all I can do is love my sibling regardless and desire whats best for her).

We need to get the focus off of our needs, wants and desires and on to the needs of others. We need to be the best we can be and not worry about the shortcomings of others and on how they do not meet our needs or expectations. We need to attempt to make sure that our behavior does not aggravate any particular situation or relationship. All this is much easier said than done–especially in the dynamic of family relationships.

The OP is in a difficult situation and her in-laws have handled things rather badly, but pretending to be Catholic would not be a good idea. From the OP there is simply a lot we don’t know. Did the OP’s husband ever sit down or attempt to sit down with his parents and explain why he was leaving the Church? Did he attempt to explain to them that he wasn’t repudiating them or the way they raised him? (Or was he?) Did he respect his parents before all of this–and did he ever communicate that to them. Did he let them know it was not his intention to hurt them but for whatever reason he couldn’t remain in the Church? Did he attempt to soften the blow of leaving the faith–he had to know if would hurt them? Or did he just leave the Church, elope and think he wasn’t going to hurt his parents (or did he not care) and they’d simply get over his rejection of their life, their values and their upbringing of him? We simply don’t know all the background here. Of course one would have hoped that his parents would have taken more of the stance of the father in the story of the prodigal son–seems like a better approach to me, but there is a lot of back story here that we just don’t know–though I don’t think any of it would justify much of the behavior reported by the OP–behavior that, seems to me, counterproductive to what they would have liked to see happen. Contrary to exhibiting a peace and joy–given to them by their faith and something we all desire–they have apparently exhibited the exact opposite–one would have hoped that they would simply have done as Saint Monica did and prayed for their son, his wife, and their children while living our their faith in service to others. Hopefully all here will pray for them all–that they may find healing and reconciliation and peace and joy.

The peace of Christ,
Mark

We do not know exactly what the dynamics are between the OP and the in-laws.

However if we are to go with what she said they seem to be bullies.

Giving in to bullies in order to keep the peace is not an act of love. In fact it enables the bullies even more.