Pretty much had it with my wife

[Bklynguy]

Let me start off by saying that I am not perfect. Also, I realize that you will only be getting one side of the story here. Nonetheless, I will try my best to be as accurate and charitable as possible.

I am getting closer and closer to being at my wits end with my wife. We have a toddler and another child on the way. This hasn’t been the easiest pregnancy thus far, so I am trying to cut her slack; however, these problems existed before she got pregnant (indeed, before we had any kids). The issue is that I do most of the work around the house and run most of the errands; furthermore, I am also the breadwinner of the house. Actually, for the past three years since our first child was born, I’ve been the sole income earner with my wife as the stay at home.

I don’t know if I am being unreasonable, but I don’t think I should be expected to do most of the cleaning, most of the errand running and grocery shopping, cleaning up after the cats, taking out the garbage, as well as all the cooking over the weekend. I even have to many times cook for myself (and sometimes even the whole family) when I get home for work. Now, she will typically do all the laundry; however, even then, the clean laundry will many times sit there for days before it is even folded. We have lived in our new place for two years now and are just getting around to picking out curtains for the kitchen—and it is still mostly on my own doing. I went to the store to buy the rods and will probably lead the process of getting the curtains selected and put up. Also, one of our picture frames broke over the last couple of months–nothing has been done about it, so I am just going to have to suck it up and go out and buy one myself.

I know some of these things may seem like minor issues, but that is also part of the point. Why does every single, minor issue having to do with the home need to be on my plate? These are things that I think that my wife–as the stay at home mom and homemaker (I sort of say this tounge-in-cheek as she shouldn’t even have the right to call herself a homemaker)–can and should take responsibility for. Even small chores like vacuuming the rug many times will not get done unless I have to complain about it first. I actually take this personally because she doesn’t have to nag me to get up at 6AM and go to work to support our family—I just do it.

The issue is that I am starting to look at her as a slovenly person who doesn’t care what our house looks like, or the fact that it bothers me. Does anyone think I am being overly critical? I know it is hard to get into all the issues within one post. Has anyone had to deal with similar issues?

Thanks.

 

[Catholic90]

What was her family of origin like? Did her father do most of the work around the house? What kind of housekeeper was her mother? Did she have chores as a kid? (you don’t have to answer - just some things to think about).

Were these issues discussed before you got married?

Sounds like counseling is in order. Talk to your priest and get a recommendation from him.

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

The issue is that I am starting to look at her as a slovenly person who doesn’t care what our house looks like, or the fact that it bothers me. Does anyone think I am being overly critical? I know it is hard to get into all the issues within one post. Has anyone had to deal with similar issues?

I would guess that all of us married folks have had issues with our spouses and housework, even if it’s just the husband who can’t seem to lower the toilet lid when he’s finished or the wife who leaves her shoes scattered all over the bedroom floor.

Because I haven’t heard your wife’s side of things, I cannot say for certain if you are being reasonable or not. By this I am not saying that you are unreasonable; it’s just that your wife doesn’t have a chance to present her side of the situation here.

But, what’s important is that her behavior is very problematic for you. Have you tried laying out your frustrations in a calm manner and at a time when both of you are well-rested and in good moods? Have you talked with her about this using “I need ___.” and “When ___, I feel ___.” statements? (“Donna, I really need to sit down and relax for half an hour when I get home. When the laundry is piled up on the couch I can’t do that, and I feel frustrated and angry.”

If you haven’t, you need to. If you don’t think this can happen in a way that won’t escalate into a blow-up, you need to engage the services of a marriage and family therapist. They’re experts in guiding couples towards more effective communications skills. If you don’t have insurance that covers mental health counseling, contact Catholic Social Services in your area for a referral to a counselor who will see you and your wife on a sliding scale based on income.

Another avenue to consider is Retrouvaille (retrouvaille.org/). Many parishes have a Retrouvaille coordinator/contact couple, so you check there for more information, as well.

Luna

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Is she taking good care of your toddler? She is pregnant and may not feel like doing a whole lot! If she is a good mommy, that alone is a full time job.

 

[Bklynguy]

What was her family of origin like? Did her father do most of the work around the house? What kind of housekeeper was her mother? Did she have chores as a kid? (you don’t have to answer - just some things to think about).

I can partially answer. Her parent’s house is like a disaster. I’m not exagerating–it is a disaster. It would make most outsiders cringe if they walked into the house. No, her father did not do most of the work around the house. Her father cooked more than probably most men, but other than that, he is pretty much a slob. Her mother doesn’t really keep house at all, but that is partially because she feels defeated that everyone else was so sloppy. I’m sorry to use such strong language here, but their house is really pretty bad. I can’t speak to what kind of chores she had as a kid.

Were these issues discussed before you got married?

Clearly not as much as we should have.

Sounds like counseling is in order. Talk to your priest and get a recommendation from him.

I’ve actually been thinking about doing that. My work also has an employee assistance program, but is probably better to start with the Church. I have to be honest, though–from my perspective, most marriage counselors side with the woman. And, with her being pregnant, I’ll just look like a big, insensitive monster when this stuff has really been going on for much longer.

 

[Bklynguy]

Thank you for taking the time to come here and share your story, please be assured of my prayers.

Counseling may be helpful, however I understand with a toddler that might not be the easiest thing at the moment. Have you ever approached your wife and simply made a list of chores/duties? You do not have to approach this in a nagging way, approach her in a good mood and say “Okay I know you are pregnant and tired, just let me know what you think you will be able to do this week and we will split up chores and write them down to avoid conflict” or something like that. Sometimes these things go unsaid and then resentment builds up.

You are working very hard and also working very hard at home. I had difficult pregnancies and it was all I could do to sit around all day and barely take care of my toddler. This was a very stressful time in my marriage. I wish we had worked things out better looking back it probably would have been a difficult period anyway but we could have made it easier by talking things out more.

Thank you very much. We actually did make a list of chores (this was before her second pregancy). The list, from my perspective as the person who was also responsible for supporting the family, was not very evenly divided. And she STILL couldn’t manage to get everything on her list done (and remember, this was before her second pregnancy).

Did your husband help out around the house during your pregnancies?

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

I have to be honest, though–from my perspective, most marriage counselors side with the woman. And, with her being pregnant, I’ll just look like a big, insensitive monster when this stuff has really been going on for much longer.

How much first-hand experience do you have with marriage counseling?

 

[Bklynguy]

Is she taking good care of your toddler? She is pregnant and may not feel like doing a whole lot! If she is a good mommy, that alone is a full time job.

This was one area she always did well, although it has been slipping since she got pregnant. Before her second pregnancy, she would read to her, do arts/crafts with her, take her to the library, take her to toddler science classes, etc. This has all been slipping recently, though–but this is understandable and is temporary. These other issues have been a problem since we got married.

 

[Bklynguy]

How much first-hand experience do you have with marriage counseling?

First-hand? None, so my impression may not be completely accurate. I am just going by what I have heard others say.

 

[grasscutter]

Don’t give up! I will be praying for your marriage.

Is it financially possible to hire part-time help? If it is, that might take away some of your stress and resentment and it might be easier for your wife to maintain the order and cleanliness. Maybe she just gets overwhelmed and doesn’t know where to start.

 

[monicatholic]

this sounds like a job for counseling and/ or priest.

for you so you can state facts without blame.
for her so she can get a better handle on her responsibilities.

s/he may suggest “the Five Love Languages.” it would be a good suggestion.

my house gets messy when i’m pregnant. finding a good balance between lived-in and still livable can be tricky.

let off the chores for a few days. then take pictures of the place-- but only if you can use them as demonstration of the problem-- NOT as a vanquishing weapon against your wife. then list all the things you have to do in order to make it livable. then photgraph it again at a moment of acceptable level. this will help you and the counselor to see the facts.

and why not get rid of the cats? yeah. they didnt ask to be caught in the middle of this. but do you really need another eating/ drinking/ shedding/ messing aspect of conflict? (i suspect this wont go over with the animal lovers on board. but i love marriage more than i love cats. i just do.)

and pray extra hard for your wife.

 

[anp1215]

Her life growing up probably has a lot to do with it. Growing up I had very few chores and our house was not very organized. It was not dirty, just sort of messy a lot of the time. My mom also did not cook. She made a lot of instant type things. None of this is wrong, I’m just describing our home situation. My mom was a good mom (not strict enough though).

When I got married I was 18 and coming from a house where I had basically no chores. In fact, the last 6 months of living in my parents house they did not make me do any chores at all, including cleaning my room, because they were sad that I was about to get married and move out. My room was a disaster. You literally could not walk in it there was so much stuff on the floor.

So one day I was there, and literally the next day I got married and moved into my husband’s apartment where I was basically responsible for 80% of the chores. My husband is also pretty messy. Man, talk about a huge shock and change. We have been married for 3 years and over those 3 years I have gradually gotten better about taking care of the house. It has been very gradual and of course there is still room for improvement! But the first 2 years were very rough having to learn how to take care of a household. It was a big learning experience.

I tell my mom now, “Mom I so wish you had given me a lot of chores and been strict with me growing up because it would have been so much easier to transition to taking care of my own house!” She completely agrees with me. Honestly, growing up with a regular chore list does a huge favor for a child.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

First-hand? None, so my impression may not be completely accurate. I am just going by what I have heard others say.

Well, you would be mostly wrong. Any good counselor is there to help the couple solve their problems, not to “side” with one over the other. Sure, there are poor counselors, but you can pick up on that in the initial interview.

The last counselor we went to would NOT side with either of us no matter how much we both tried…

 

[juno24]

First-hand? None, so my impression may not be completely accurate. I am just going by what I have heard others say.

Then I would humbly suggest ignoring what other disappointed or disgruntled husbands may have told you. Please go to your EAP person at work or to your parish priest. The fact that you are willing to consider counseling is a positive sign. Please go into it with an open mind. How willing is your wife? Don’t be surprised if, when you bring it up to her, she replies with something along the lines of, “But you knew I was this way when you married me.” (After all, you did know she was a slob, based on how she lived in her parents’ home.) Which brings me to another point.
If her parents never kept a clean house, she may not actually know HOW to keep house. I don’t know how far along in the pregnancy she is, but maybe you could take some time and do the chores together for a while. She may be ashamed to admit she doesn’t know how to clean properly, and she may just not understand that it is bothering you so much that she does so little.
Perhaps for the time being, while she is pregnant and for a time after, you could hire a cleaning company to come in once a week and do the vacuuming, dusting, mopping and general cleaning. I readily admit that I hate doing that kind of work, and I won’t do it unless I really have to. My roommate is the same way. We compromised with ourselves. We pick up around the house and clean the dishes and laundry, but we hire a crew to come in and do the stuff we both hate (mopping, vacuuming and scrubbing the bathrooms). It works for us. Maybe if the 2 of you can agree to do light housekeeping, you can hire someone to do the heavier stuff?

 

[ringil]

First-hand? None, so my impression may not be completely accurate. I am just going by what I have heard others say.

Marriage and family therapists or any therapist for that matter look at issues in a marriage as part of a system and aren’t really conserned with issues like “sides” blame and whatnot. It’s not part of the process.

I am a licensed therapist BTW. My wife and I received good benefits from seeing a MFT. Sometimes trying a few might be helpful to find someone you both are comfortable with.

Your issues, though irritating, are minor in the whole continuum of family problems, and should be easy to get a handle on.

 

[Bklynguy]

Don’t give up! I will be praying for your marriage.

Is it financially possible to hire part-time help? If it is, that might take away some of your stress and resentment and it might be easier for your wife to maintain the order and cleanliness. Maybe she just gets overwhelmed and doesn’t know where to start.

Thank you very much. As to your question, it would be a stretch, but possible. Maybe a part-time housekeeper who comes once a week for a few hours wouldn’t be a bad idea. I don’t think we could afford anything more than that, though.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Oh, I forgot to recommend.

Fly Lady

It is a system devised by a woman who had NO IDEA how to keep a house clean. She cleans by “zones,” doing a little bit at a time, not trying to do the whole house in one go. It works for disorganized, clueless people as well as the compulsive cleaners who need to learn to stop and smell the roses. She will send email reminders to the person and there is a wealth of information on her website.

 

[grasscutter]

Oh, I forgot to recommend.

Fly Lady

It is a system devised by a woman who had NO IDEA how to keep a house clean. She cleans by “zones,” doing a little bit at a time, not trying to do the whole house in one go. It works for disorganized, clueless people as well as the compulsive cleaners who need to learn to stop and smell the roses. She will send email reminders to the person and there is a wealth of information on her website.

Fly Lady is awesome!

 

[Bklynguy]

my house gets messy when i’m pregnant. finding a good balance between lived-in and still livable can be tricky.

This is the key, though–when you are pregnant. This stuff goes on when she is not pregnant (although, it is worse when she is pregnant).

a

nd why not get rid of the cats? yeah. they didnt ask to be caught in the middle of this. but do you really need another eating/ drinking/ shedding/ messing aspect of conflict? (i suspect this wont go over with the animal lovers on board. but i love marriage more than i love cats. i just do.)

Funny you mention that—we ARE getting rid of the cats. I can’t take their shedding and litter tracking any longer. And it isn’t fair that they get caught in the middle. Yes, I agree–people and marriage are WAY more important than cats.

 

[Bklynguy]

Oh, I forgot to recommend.

Fly Lady

It is a system devised by a woman who had NO IDEA how to keep a house clean. She cleans by “zones,” doing a little bit at a time, not trying to do the whole house in one go. It works for disorganized, clueless people as well as the compulsive cleaners who need to learn to stop and smell the roses. She will send email reminders to the person and there is a wealth of information on her website.

LOL…you guys are awesome. She actually has been a member of FlyLady for a long time and it has helped, but only marginally. The problem is she constantly falls off the wagon, but mayble I can convince her to keep up with it.