Preventing Family breakups: Inheritance to Children - Catholic Guidance?

[IwishIknew]

Several religions have strict codes of conduct when granting children inheritance (from say a Last Will and Testament).

I’m assuming that is because for as long as families have existed there have been tremendous issues of fairness vs. greed which can utterly tear families apart. This becomes especially difficult when multiple spouses and their children slip into the picture (from say Divorce/Annulments) and or when abusive parents continue that abusive behavior as part of the distribution.

Does the Catholic Church provide any specific guidance (such as Canon Law, from the Catechism, Teachings of the Church, etc) regarding the distribution of earthly inheritance to children?

Is there some Catholic guidance or protection that would help stop the generational madness that can ensue after the parents’ death when an unfair (and sometimes grossly unfair) distribution takes place? US law seems to be very “hands off” when it comes to this topic allowing pretty much any distribution desired.

Note: Giving one’s fortune away to a Spouse, Charities or friends might be more akin to “gifting” and may not invoke the same damaging reactions - so thinking we leave these options out of the discussion for a different thread.

 

[1ke]

Does the Catholic Church provide any specific guidance (such as Canon Law, from the Catechism, Teachings of the Church, etc) regarding the distribution of earthly inheritance to children?

No.

Is there some Catholic guidance or protection that would help stop the generational madness that can ensue after the parents’ death when an unfair (and sometimes grossly unfair) distribution takes place? US law seems to be very “hands off” when it comes to this topic allowing pretty much any distribution desired.

No.

 

[IwishIknew]

Then I guess the Beatitudes kick in full force with turn the other cheek, give the coat and the cloak too (etc.), with the promises of everlasting merit to those who can endure the unfairness in such matters and still be kind to their siblings and the memory of their parents.

 

[Xantippe]

Several religions have strict codes of conduct when granting children inheritance (from say a Last Will and Testament).

I’m assuming that is because for as long as families have existed there have been tremendous issues of fairness vs. greed which can utterly tear families apart. This becomes especially difficult when multiple spouses and their children slip into the picture (from say Divorce/Annulments) and or when abusive parents continue that abusive behavior as part of the distribution.

Does the Catholic Church provide any specific guidance (such as Canon Law, from the Catechism, Teachings of the Church, etc) regarding the distribution of earthly inheritance to children?

Is there some Catholic guidance or protection that would help stop the generational madness that can ensue after the parents’ death when an unfair (and sometimes grossly unfair) distribution takes place? US law seems to be very “hands off” when it comes to this topic allowing pretty much any distribution desired.

Note: Giving one’s fortune away to a Spouse, Charities or friends might be more akin to “gifting” and may not invoke the same damaging reactions - so thinking we leave these options out of the discussion for a different thread.

I don’t know that there’s any Catholic stuff on this, but Dave Ramsey (the Evangelical personal finance guy) has a lot of interesting stuff to say about inheritance.

1. Nobody is unconditionally owed an inheritance. It is the parents’ money to dispose of.
2. Parents need to be very clear about their wills, even to the point of doing a regular reading of the will while they are alive. That way if the kids are mad about the division of assets, they can have a fight with mom and dad, not their siblings.
3. Adult children who are unable to manage money (due to substance abuse or other reasons) should not be given money.
4. Oh, and there needs to be a will and there needs to be a reliable person as the executor. (You would not believe how many dawdling executors there are.)

I’d add some of my own thoughts:

1. Money isn’t love. The fact that an adult child does not get a large inheritance does not mean that mom or dad didn’t love you.
2. Some things (like farms and businesses) are hard to split and keep viable, so if we as adult children are not planning to farm or run the business, we may need to deal with the possibility that we will not get part of those assets. My family’s farm and businesses puts us in this category, and although there are large assets, I try to make peace with the fact that I may not get anything, as I’m involved in neither. My husband may also never get anything from his parents. We will try to live with that.
3. It’s a good idea to hand over small sentimental items that might get lost or misappropriated while you are alive.
4. Keep your house clean and don’t over-accumulate stuff!
5. Some siblings may have larger needs than others, for instance in the case of serious disability. An asset split that reflects that is not unfair.

 

[IwishIknew]

Good tips. I was hoping there was something like this at a Catholic-Church wide level because many adult children may not easily have the mental capacity to fully embrace a Beatific Attitude with the siblings and parents’ memories.

Using your example, I could imagine how crucifying it would be for a sibling left with nothing, to go to an annual family re-union at their family’s farm which is given to another sibling (because he was the favorite one). And if that adult child had a wife and kids - then all might feel nothing but anguish, remorse, anger, hatred at or from the deceased parents.

Or the feelings that the favored sibling would have to grasp with in order to justify their parents’ choice: possibly demonizing the un-favored one or treating that person with extra pity, tip-toeing, over-reacting and gifting too much, etc.

I can’t imagine in such a scenario that anything other than spiritually heroic attitudes by all that are victims or victors could get children(and grand-children) through it and keep the family together long term.

 

[runningdude]

…
Does the Catholic Church provide any specific guidance (such as Canon Law, from the Catechism, Teachings of the Church, etc) regarding the distribution of earthly inheritance to children?
…

Canon law addresses some matters directly, such as eligibility for the sacraments or other religious matters. In other cases, it explicitly defers to civil law, such as with child custody. In all other matters, it implicitly defers to individual prudential judgement; the distribution of personal property would be such a matter.

Faith and natural duties, such as a caring for minor children, should be considered, but there is no mandatory formula for distributing inheritance. Xantippe provides some good guidelines to further consider.

 

[Bonnie]

1. Oh, and there needs to be a will and there needs to be a reliable person as the executor. (You would not believe how many dawdling executors there are.)

I believe it! One sister was named executor over other sister’s & my objections. It’s been 4 1/2 years since Daddy died & she’s still dragging her feet.

1. It’s a good idea to hand over small sentimental items that might get lost or misappropriated while you are alive.

And you might find out the kids don’t want all those items that are so precious and full of good memories. I’m still trying to figure out where some of the stuff will go. So far I’ve had 2 yard sales - time for another one this summer.

 

[Allegra]

This is the opinion of a person who comes from a long line of people who have left nothing behind but memories and debt, however, I don’t think there is such a thing as an “unfair distribution”. It’s their money. They can give it to whom they please.

 

[bisco]

‘who made Me arbiter between you and your brother’? we just divided it up between all three kids. that’s if there’s anything left.

 

[IwishIknew]

That’s kind-of how I thought about it too until I began to look into the amount of heartbreak and deep personal feelings that are involved and began investigating the reports of family breakups.

There is something very different about Inheritance given unfairly to children that evokes incredible amounts of pain (to make it more real - that farm example might help) that is linked specifically to the relationships the children were brought up with. It’s not like loosing a lottery where someone who bought several raffle tickets didn’t win the pot. It is much, much deeper.

 

[IwishIknew]

This is the opinion of a person who comes from a long line of people who have left nothing behind but memories and debt, however, I don’t think there is such a thing as an “unfair distribution”. It’s their money. They can give it to whom they please.

Being a parent of several similar aged kids, I use to try to get away with unequal distributions of things (because it was my right and allowed me to keep a few more cookies in the cookie jar for me, so to speak) until I couldn’t handle the fighting, anger, bellowing, finger-pointing any longer. Now - within reason - my wife and I try to distribute most things fairly and when we don’t, we set understandable expectations (avoiding favoritism, abuse, selfishness) such as “the oldest kid gets a new bike because he grew and the old smaller bikes are still in great condition”.

From experiencing my kids - I truly see “fairness” is indeed a natural law that is tied closely to the Golden Rule.

With regard to distributing anything to my kids in our Will, I would personally fear God’s reproach in the afterlife if I didn’t make every effort to be justly fair in my distribution of whatever I give to them - given that this surely can provoke even adult children to sin and sin greatly.

 

[Allegra]

Being a parent of several similar aged kids, I use to try to get away with unequal distributions of things (because it was my right and allowed me to keep a few more cookies in the cookie jar, so to speak) until I couldn’t handle the fighting, anger, bellowing, finger-pointing any longer. Now - within reason - my wife and I try to distribute most things equally and when we don’t we have an understandable reason (not an abusive reason) such as “the oldest kid gets a new bike because he grew and the old smaller bikes are still in new condition”.

From experiencing my kids - I truly see “fairness” is indeed a natural law that is tied closely to the Golden Rule.

The problem is “fairness” is subjective. People are selfish. They don’t see the fairness in one sibling getting more money when that sibling has two disabled children who will need support their entire lives. THey don’t see the fairness when one sibling gets the farm when that sibling worked said farm his entire life and the other siblings had their college degrees paid for. Adult children don’t see the fairness when minor children get more money than they do and minor children don’t see the fairness when adult chidlren get cash and they get trust funds. The problem is that all these theoretical children are selfish brats, and the parents would have been further ahead to spend all the money on themselves while they were still alive.

 

[1ke]

their family’s farm which is given to another sibling (because he was the favorite one)

With farms it is more likely “given” to the sibling not because he is the “favorite” but because he is the one and stayed behind as free labor for 25 years with the understanding that transfer of assets such as shares in the farm was his compensation.

I see a thread running through your posts which point to ‘unfairness’ and ‘favoritism’ but which are based on assumptions and what appears to be a fair amount of manipulation by your kids. Whining about not getting a new bike gets you NO bike in my book, and a poor kid at St Vincent de Paul Society gets the bike.

 

[IwishIknew]

Fairness is indeed subjective and of course we can always pull out the exception of a child in need. But truly “unfairness” exists and can be delivered most harshly through a Will.

 

[Allegra]

Fairness is indeed subjective and of course we can always pull out the exception of a child in need. But truly “unfairness” exists and can be delivered most harshly through a Will.

Most of the people I’ve known to go on about the unfairness of a parent’s will are invincibly unable to see the wisdom and fairness of their parent’s actions that is blatantly obvious to everyone else.

 

[DaveBj]

Right know my wife and I live at the distance of a long day’s drive from our closest relatives (brothers/sons). She is likely to predecease me, because of her health problems. My estate, such as it is, will be divided in proportion to the amount of help is given to me in my own declining years. If that means that it goes to the local hospice, so be it.

 

[IwishIknew]

Yeah - just to be clear - this is NOT about “fair” distributions and the many subjective versions of “fair” that are claimed to be “unfair” by children.

This is about cases when true favoritism and unfairness are at play. We all know parental abuse is rampant and thus such abuse can easily bleed into a parent’s Will.

I just was hoping that our beloved Church offered more guidance (something like the suggestions offered above) when such cases seem to be at stake. Certainly there are many canon laws developed around many issues that are common to the human experience (annulments being an example).

The Golden Rule certainly would be a guide for parents (let alone the importance of being kind to one’s children) and likewise with children, the spirit of the Beatitudes should go into effect when unfairness is truly felt. Maybe that is all that is needed to keep a family together through such an event.

 

[Xantippe]

Yeah - just to be clear - this is NOT about “fair” distributions and the many subjective versions of “fair” that are claimed to be “unfair” by children.

This is about cases when true favoritism and unfairness are at play. We all know parental abuse is rampant and thus such abuse can easily bleed into a parent’s Will.

I just was hoping that our beloved Church offered more guidance (something like the suggestions offered above) when such cases seem to be at stake. Certainly there are many canon laws developed around many issues that are common to the human experience (annulments being an example).

The Golden Rule certainly would be a guide for parents (let alone the importance of being kind to one’s children) and likewise with children, the spirit of the Beatitudes should go into effect when unfairness is truly felt. Maybe that is all that is needed to keep a family together through such an event.

It’s actually a GOOD thing that there’s no Catholic rule for wills.

If there were a rule formulated in the Near East a couple thousand years ago, it would almost certainly have been very unfair to daughters.

(I was just looking up Islamic inheritance rules, and as a rule of thumb, female relatives get half as much as male relatives of the same degree.)

 

[Xantippe]

I believe it! One sister was named executor over other sister’s & my objections. It’s been 4 1/2 years since Daddy died & she’s still dragging her feet.

**My goodness! I hope she does it soon!

I wish people would think harder before naming executors. A lot of people just aren’t up to it.
**
And you might find out the kids don’t want all those items that are so precious and full of good memories. I’m still trying to figure out where some of the stuff will go. So far I’ve had 2 yard sales - time for another one this summer.

Oh my goodness.

Years ago, as newlyweds, we once visited a grandma in the old country who had accumulated a vast collection of crystal and china, allegedly in order to pass down. She tried to press a bunch of it on us. Well, we were crisscrossing Central Europe by train, carrying a huge suitcase–we could not do it. I didn’t care for the stuff and I don’t think anybody else in the family actually liked it either.

I check on Craigslist periodically (because I’m older now and I do want nice china, just not grandma China) and I see vast lots of dishes being offered for sale, often for a pittance.

But there are genuinely items that have sentimental value for family, but the way to figure out which ones those are is to TALK to them. This past year, my grandparents asked if I was interested in some paintings they had in their home. Boy, did I ever!

 

[IwishIknew]

Yeah, let’s hope that if the Church did come up with guidance it would be based on Fairness and guided by Wisdom, of course. At the very least it could provide guiding expectations on what parents and children should do about it. Also in the spirit of guidance, it could change over the centuries as society changed.