Priest’s confusing advice on premarital sex

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slomotion

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Just want to say this first: This is more a faith struggle than a pre marital sex struggle because of conflicting advice from different Priests and Catholics.

My fiancé and I have struggled with chastity throughout our relationship and though we practice the faith actively and it’s a big part of our lives, we slip up. In confession today after telling him we’ve struggled with avoiding the occasion of sin and having sex, the priest told me to stop feeling guilty, and that because we are engaged and we are making love, not to worry. It’s an inherently good act, and that we should just slow it down so that our honeymoon isn’t boring. He said pre marital sex is only serious when your relationship is NOT serious, but because we’re getting married in two months, we’re fine.

I love my fiancé and I love God. I suffer from clinical anxiety and it has been a huge emotional and financial burden trying to stay chaste and not live with one another until we are married in a few weeks, because we believe it’s the right thing to do. Keeping separate apartments with busy, high stress jobs and working on degrees is extremely taxing, and yes we do make mistakes, but I thought we were doing the right thing. All the burden and all of the coworkers, friends and even some family wondering why we are “wasting money” for not living together has been shaking my faith a little.

Hearing the priest say this today left me really confused and frustrated. I received absolution, and received communion at mass afterward because I assume it was still valid and all my intention was there. So many Catholics have so many opinions, but sometimes I struggle trying to to make sense of it when I really want to please God and love the people in my life. Just wondering if anyone has an opinion on this priest’s advice. He was very kind, but it’s hard when priests or other leaders in our faith contradict what I’ve been told by other priests.
 
In my own opinion… I would defer to the catechism. You are not yet married, it is fornication, not “making love.” It doesn’t matter how serious the relationship is, anything can happen before actual vows are exchanged and Holy Matrimony achieved. Your confession is valid, but the priest is wrong, in my opinion. It might be appropriate to report him to the bishop.
 
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ThomasMT said:
In my own opinion… I would defer to the catechism. You are not yet married, it is fornication, not “making love.” It doesn’t matter how serious the relationship is, anything can happen before actual vows are exchanged and Holy Matrimony achieved. Your confession is valid, but the priest is wrong, in my opinion. It might be appropriate to report him to the bishop.
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This. I wouldn’t even try to soften it with it being an opinion.
Fornication (sex before marriage) is a sin. It’s Biblically speaking, a sin
 
I think you should follow up with him and confirm what he said. Perhaps there was a misunderstanding?
 
Realistically, I agree… but undermining an ordained priest is not something I take lightly. I am a nobody, but the catechism is clear.
 
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Yes slomotion perhaps he was edging towards explaining culpability. You sound very distressed by your situation. It is very hard for Priests hearing confessions with people going through different things and trying to present the person of Christ into the situation with such a small window of time.
 
I hear what you are saying. Speaking the truth, however, does not undermine an ordained priest. They are not infallible or incapable of giving poor, or even wrong, advice.

But I do understand where you are coming from. 🙂
 
You need to find another priest to confess to.

This priest is not giving you solid, faithful, orthodox Catholic advice. Premarital sex, if indulged in with sufficient reflection (which you have — you know it’s gravely sinful) and full consent of the will (only you know whether you have this), is a mortal sin. You must avoid this until after the wedding. It is only two months. That is not that long.
 
slomotion said:
All the burden and all of the coworkers, friends and even some family wondering why we are “wasting money” for not living together has been shaking my faith a little.
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This is your time to be a witness of Christ to the world, by making that sacrifice of separate living situations. Do not let them shake your faith. You are shaking theirs! This is exactly how we are salt and light to the world.
 
slomotion said:
Hearing the priest say this today left me really confused and frustrated.
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You do understand what the priest was saying though? You don’t necessarily have to agree with his approach. I don’t think this is anything that should shake your faith. That’s just my opinion.
 
This is what I’ve always understood. We are going to continue living by the catechism and I appreciate you affirming what we’ve understood to be the truth.

It was just really disconcerting and uncomfortable to go to confession really ashamed and remorseful, and have the priest say that my guilt was silly, and to let it all go. But I guess I should just thank God for his forgiveness and move on?
 
Thank you. This is what I believe too…and we struggle but we’re trying.
 
1Lord1Faith said:
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slomotion:
Hearing the priest say this today left me really confused and frustrated.
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You do understand what the priest was saying though? You don’t necessarily have to agree with his approach. I don’t think this is anything that should shake your faith. That’s just my opinion.
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It’s the pressure from everyone around us who are constantly making what seem like logical arguments for why we should live together that sometimes have me doubting. I’ve tried to explain why faith matters to me, even to my own siblings, why we are making it a priority to avoid living together until marriage, but the world thinks we’re crazy. And we are hurting financially for this decision to stick to our faith, so that’s extra ammunition for everyone.

So this priest’s advice isn’t necessarily shaking my faith, it’s just someone who SHOULD understand why we are trying to behave is telling me that I’m crazy for stressing about it. Maybe I’m weak, but it was disheartening.
 
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slomotion said:
It was just really disconcerting and uncomfortable to go to confession really ashamed and remorseful, and have the priest say that my guilt was silly, and to let it all go. But I guess I should just thank God for his forgiveness and move on?
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I find it admirably for you to be this discerning, when so many others would welcome hearing something so convenient. Do not be discouraged, keep the faith and keep working towards holiness. Personally, unless there is possibility of misunderstanding (and you make the priest’s position sound pretty clearly articulated), I would find another parish, if possible. Also personally, being as scrupulous as I tend to be, I would consider the absolution valid and myself certainly forgiven… but would probably bring it up on my next confession with a different priest. I would not lose sleep over it in the meantime. I still think it might be worth considering letting the bishop know. Leading the faithful astray is a pretty serious matter. We have enough of that as is already.
 
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slomotion said:
Thank you. This is what I believe too…and we struggle but we’re trying.
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You will be fine. Two months is nothing. It will be over before you know it. Stay well and stay strong. Put this behind you and find another priest for future confessions.

I wish you well in your married life together.
 
slomotion said:
It’s the pressure from everyone around us who are constantly making what seem like logical arguments for why we should live together that sometimes have me doubting.
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It’s unfortunate that they are pressuring you, rather than supporting you in your choices.
Next time you feel pressured, ask God for the grace and strength to charitably, but firmly, look them in the eye and witness “My fiancé and I choose to do this. I know you disagree, but please respect our choice to enter into holy matrimony in a way that is consistent with our Faith. Thank you” and give them a big smile of confidence 🙂
 
Honestly, in God’s eyes sex before marriage is a sin, our bodies are the temple to the Holy Spirit. The idea of marriage is a man and woman come before God and join as one body in marriage, sex was created for procreation. Sins of the flesh are serious in God’s eyes, think on the second Sorrowful Mystery - scourging at the pillar, Jesus suffered terrible humiliation for us, for our sins of the flesh, scourged so badly His wounds where so deep His bones where visible in places.
I’d pray for that priest he is in error. Pray for grace, Our Lady through the Rosary will help you fight against any temptation without any doubt.
 
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Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies, I appreciate it very much. I’ve shared your thoughts with my fiancé and he’s also relieved. I’m glad he and I are on the same page and that you’ve all reinforced that we’re trying for the right things.
 
slomotion said:
He said pre marital sex is only serious when your relationship is NOT serious, but because we’re getting married in two months, we’re fine.
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I’m so sorry he told you that, because it’s not fine and it is grave matter against the sixth commandment. Which you really already know.
slomotion said:
I suffer from clinical anxiety and it has been a huge emotional and financial burden trying to stay chaste and not live with one another
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If you aren’t already, you need to be under the care of a competent mental health professional.
slomotion said:
So many Catholics have so many opinions, but sometimes I struggle trying to to make sense of it
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It’s not an opinion, and you can easily read the Catechism yourself under the sixth commandment, offenses against chastity.
slomotion said:
Just wondering if anyone has an opinion on this priest’s advice.
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It was wrong and it has hurt your faith. But priests are human and we must pray for him.
 
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