Priest response to spousal infidelity in marriage

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kptrs said:
I’m thankful to say that I’ve never been cheated on by my husband, nor have I cheated on him. Therefore what I am about to say is strictly hypothetical (and hopefully will stay that way):

1.) If my husband cheated on me, I would want him to tell me. Whether I would want to stay in the marriage or not is something I don’t think I could attest to unless I were actually in the situation. But if he kept it a secret, I would feel lied to (I’m not making statements about whether withholding the information constitutes a lie or not, just saying how I would feel).

**If it was a secret you wouldn’t know, nor would you needlessly suffer… **

2.) If I cheated on my husband, I would feel a very strong need to tell him. I wouldn’t blame him for divorcing me or any anger or resentment he would have towards me, and honestly I wouldn’t necessarily expect him even to forgive me. But I would feel that withholding the information would be a lie (once again, I’m not making statements about whether withholding the information constitutes a lie or not, just saying how I would feel), and I wouldn’t want to stay in a marriage that harbored such a huge lie.
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**The point is to heal. Not to give a choice to leave. Telling him solves nothing. It brings more pain, and dissolving the marriage over infidelity is not the same as forgiveness. It destroys a family. **
 
pianistclare said:
Amen.
This is really none of the OP’s concern.
It’s become all the rage for people to doubt priests in the confessional, to question their advice…etc.
That, to me, is far more shocking.

We’re not to seek vengeance. Especially when there can be collateral damage.
No bueno.
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And that is why the advice on this thread not to tell is so bad. The priest’s job (vocation, skill set, and resources) give him the needed ability to help the involved spouse restore his relationship with God, not the hurt spouse. Other than that, he is most likely unequipped to actually council this couple, through the involved spouse alone, with confession as the venue.

I do not doubt the sincerity or experience of our priests. I do know that most are not fully trained in marriage counseling (besides taking a couple of classes) so it follows that very few are trained in affair recovery. In fact, most marriage counselors are not well trained in affair recovery.

The experts in helping couples recover from affairs do not agree with not telling. Again, Confession restores the broken relationship with God, not the spouse. And I can assure you that any hurt spouse who has been lied to, will have an even more difficult time recovering in the marriage if the involved spouse says, “God forgave me. What’s the problem?”
 
PianistClare:
UM…no. It seems someone wants him to suffer more humiliation, and give the wife ammo in the future.

I would kindly have to disagree with you there PianistClare. Why would we not want to encourage people to tell another he/she is sorry for a wrong action done to another? I think that’s where the seed of this question ultimately stems from and it means taking responsibility for one’s action. There is no Love with out Responsibility. (Thank you JP2)

In terms of forgiveness, I am not sure one ever ‘forgets’ but I think there is a bit of a veil that must be covered on those circumstances and situations (Jesus :)). Sometimes the wounds reopen and must always be brought to prayer. It is easy for one to say…just forgive him/her, but sometimes there are visible, long term affects of people’s actions. I can go into detail about these in different thread.
 
pianistclare said:
**The point is to heal. Not to give a choice to leave. Telling him solves nothing. It brings more pain, and dissolving the marriage over infidelity is not the same as forgiveness. It destroys a family. **
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How much research and experience do you have in this? Yes telling brings more pain - mostly for the involved spouse who now has to own up the actual hurt he caused. Because whether or not he tells the hurt has been done. He can either help her heal or keep pretending that his feelings are more important.

With proper help, the couple can recover and even grow in their relationship. Again, as long as he is maintaining secrets with the affair partner and from the hurt spouse, they cannot grow closer. Preventing a divorce after throwing a bomb in the marriage is not his choice. It is the choice of the hurt spouse.
 
PrayerGal said:
PianistClare:
UM…no. It seems someone wants him to suffer more humiliation, and give the wife ammo in the future.

I would kindly have to disagree with you there PianistClare. Why would we not want to encourage people to tell another he/she is sorry for a wrong action done to another? I think that’s where the seed of this question ultimately stems from and it means taking responsibility for one’s action. There is no Love with out Responsibility. (Thank you JP2)

In terms of forgiveness, I am not sure one ever ‘forgets’ but I think there is a bit of a veil that must be covered on those circumstances and situations (Jesus :)). Sometimes the wounds reopen and must always be brought to prayer. It is easy for one to say…just forgive him/her, but sometimes there are visible, long term affects of people’s actions. I can go into detail about these in different thread.
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The “responsibility” occurs int he confessional.
Telling one they are “Sorry” occurs when it’s obvious to everyone.
If the spouse has no idea that they have been betrayed, they will most always wish they never knew and the perpetrator repents.
If you’re saying that the woman who has been cheated upon already knows??? Well I guess he must beg her forgiveness. If she doesn’t know, it’s not up to anyone to “out” her husband or for him to confess to her. Confession is to God alone, through the priest standing in persona Christi.
There is almost nothing to be gained by creating pain. Why? So that she will always look at him sideways? Begin checking his phone? Going through his pockets? And that always happens. It’s the rare wife than can say " Oh really dear? Well thanks for telling me".
I prefer to think that saving someone from extreme pain is surely a better way to go.
 
hurtandhealing said:
How much research and experience do you have in this? Yes telling brings more pain - mostly for the involved spouse who now has to own up the actual hurt he caused. Because whether or not he tells the hurt has been done. He can either help her heal or keep pretending that his feelings are more important.

With proper help, the couple can recover and even grow in their relationship. Again, as long as he is maintaining secrets with the affair partner and from the hurt spouse, they cannot grow closer. Preventing a divorce after throwing a bomb in the marriage is not his choice. It is the choice of the hurt spouse.
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WHOA! This is really hitting below the belt.
Reported.

I have zero experience in infidelity.
But know plenty of friends who do.
 
I would not want to be told as long as it was over and done with and repented of. In addition to the effect on our relationship and our daughter, big shocks like that usually have a catastrophic effect on my mental health.
 
AClaire11 said:
I would not want to be told as long as it was over and done with and repented of. In addition to the effect on our relationship and our daughter, big shocks like that usually have a catastrophic effect on my mental health.
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Right. The people who are “hurt” are hurting because someone thought it was a good idea to tell them.
It’s no one’s business.
The priest has a duty to counsel the man in confession.
That too, is private.
 
pianistclare said:
The “responsibility” occurs int he confessional.
Telling one they are “Sorry” occurs when it’s obvious to everyone.
If the spouse has no idea that they have been betrayed, they will most always wish they never knew and the perpetrator repents.
If you’re saying that the woman who has been cheated upon already knows??? Well I guess he must beg her forgiveness. If she doesn’t know, it’s not up to anyone to “out” her husband or for him to confess to her. Confession is to God alone, through the priest standing in persona Christi.
There is almost nothing to be gained by creating pain. Why? So that she will always look at him sideways? Begin checking his phone? Going through his pockets? And that always happens. It’s the rare wife than can say " Oh really dear? Well thanks for telling me".
I prefer to think that saving someone from extreme pain is surely a better way to go.
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Why would the wife need to say, “oh really dear…” It takes time and a whole lot of work to recover from an affair.

But you said that you prefer to think. So many people on this forum like to give such damaging advice based on their own personal thoughts and feelings. Check out the website I recommended. Look into “walls and windows” by Shirley Glass, who is considered the best in affair recover research. In most cases, your advice is wrong. So do we continue to give bad advice that will cause more damage to most couples to save a very few (who lack intimacy anyway)?
 
hurtandhealing said:
Why would the wife need to say, “oh really dear…” It takes time and a whole lot of work to recover from an affair.

But you said that you prefer to think. So many people on this forum like to give such damaging advice based on their own personal thoughts and feelings. Check out the website I recommended. Look into “walls and windows” by Shirley Glass, who is considered the best in affair recover research. In most cases, your advice is wrong. So do we continue to give bad advice that will cause more damage to most couples to save a very few (who lack intimacy anyway)?
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That’s your opinion.
I gave mine.
Leave it
I don’t have any need to read that website.
We Catholics believe in the power of the absolution in the confessional.
We believe people can repent and turn their lives around.
We don’t believe in inflicting pain.
I’m out.
 
If the cheater was truly remorseful and intended never to cheat again (and is sure there isn’t a disease to warn about), I personally would not want to know (I wish I never knew). The tremendous amount of pain it inflicts is…indescribable. And it changes how you view the world and can lead you down a path to making choices you never would have before.

But, there are situations in which I would want to know. Especially if the marriage was falling apart and you didn’t know why. Or if the cheating was ongoing and there was no remorse or intent to cease. If I were that spouse, I’d want to know the whole picture so as to protect myself.
 
pianistclare said:
**The point is to heal. Not to give a choice to leave. Telling him solves nothing. It brings more pain, and dissolving the marriage over infidelity is not the same as forgiveness. It destroys a family. **
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I do see both sides of this. Very few things in life are black and white. And as I said, my post is purely hypothetical, since it’s never happened to me.

I also wasn’t saying my husband wouldn’t forgive me for infidelity. On the contrary, he himself actually has stated that he would forgive me and would want to stay married (we had lots of deep conversations when we were dating and still do). I was just saying I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t forgive me because I understand how hurtful infidelity would be.

I don’t know. I guess I just think secrets destroy a marriage. They are a barrier to true intimacy. I just can’t fathom having a secret that big from my husband. 🤷
 
My thoughts on the matter, as someone who’s been in this situation and seen it happen to friends:

What the cheater is doing is extremely wrong, and no he can’t be forgiven without confessing to his* wife. The idea that he can seek God’s forgiveness and “oh, let’s just not tell my wife” is beyond naive. This affair is ALREADY warping their relationship, and will continue to do so until it is acknowledged & healed. Merely stopping the affair will not cure the continually warping relationship. His wife must be treated like a human being and the problem acknowledged before it can be healed.

If PrayerGal is a friend of the cheater, she should push him to confess to his wife and start the repentance process. If he refuses, then push harder-- he really should be the one to tell his wife. If PrayerGal has some form of proof about the affair, then a hard push could involve the fact that if the cheater does not confess, PrayerGal will tell.

If the cheater absolutely refused after an adequate window necessary, PrayerGal should speak up. Such is not the preferred route at all, it will probably also destroy the relationship between PrayerGal & the cheater, and PrayerGal & the wife. But if it absolutely needs done, then do it.

Sorry, but if PrayerGal is a friend** to either the cheater or the spouse, she should not stick her head in the sand to the horrible matter. Silence will only destroy the cheater, the spouse, the adulteress, and PrayerGal.
  • I don’t know the cheater’s gender, I’m just going with male here, but feel free to flip them.
 
jane_doe said:
My thoughts on the matter, as someone who’s been in this situation and seen it happen to friends:

What the cheater is doing is extremely wrong, and no he can’t be forgiven without confessing to his* wife. The idea that he can seek God’s forgiveness and “oh, let’s just not tell my wife” is beyond naive. This affair is ALREADY warping their relationship, and will continue to do so until it is acknowledged & healed. Merely stopping the affair will not cure the continually warping relationship. His wife must be treated like a human being and the problem acknowledged before it can be healed.

If PrayerGal is a friend of the cheater, she should push him to confess to his wife and start the repentance process. If he refuses, then push harder-- he really should be the one to tell his wife. If PrayerGal has some form of proof about the affair, then a hard push could involve the fact that if the cheater does not confess, PrayerGal will tell.

If the cheater absolutely refused after an adequate window necessary, PrayerGal should speak up. Such is not the preferred route at all, it will probably also destroy the relationship between PrayerGal & the cheater, and PrayerGal & the wife. But if it absolutely needs done, then do it.

Sorry, but if PrayerGal is a friend** to either the cheater or the spouse, she should not stick her head in the sand to the horrible matter. Silence will only destroy the cheater, the spouse, the adulteress, and PrayerGal.
  • I don’t know the cheater’s gender, I’m just going with male here, but feel free to flip them.
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I personally would heed this advice because it comes from someone who has actually been in the situation and therefore has direct experience.
 
kptrs said:
I personally would heed this advice because it comes from someone who has actually been in the situation and therefore has direct experience.
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Were they the cheater, the cheated on, or the friend aware of the situation?

If they were the friend they may not have personal experience of what it was like in that marriage.

If they are the cheater, of course it feels better to confess to your spouse. Especially if you are eaten up with guilt. If they themselves can’t move past the guilt, I agree that it could “warp” the marriage. But I think it is possible to move on and let it go.

If they are the one who was cheated on I would take more stock in listening to how their marriage was made better for the honesty.
 
Catherinabird said:
Were they the cheater, the cheated on, or the friend aware of the situation?
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I’ve been in this type of situation twice.

The first time my three best friends were the cheater, the spouse, and the adulteress. The cheater & adulteress got caught by the wife and it broke her heart. As the support system for all three, I saw all three perspectives. These people were my Best Man, my Maid of Honor, and other Bridesmaid. I spoke at their wedding. It was months before any of us felt remotely human again. Eventually, things did heal. The marriage is strong, and friendships are restored.

The second time was with different people. I was the one who found out and he refused to confess. After months of silence, I was forced to tell. That was a MUCH more destructive path.
 
Thank you for explaining. It sounds like in both cases things were possibly ongoing. Would you insist that a cheater tell his wife about a past affair that was long over and much regretted?

Please know I am asking to hear your views. I mean no animosity. I honestly want to know your perspective.
 
PrayerGal said:
Hello all,

I was troubled by a response that I was given by not one but two priests at the same parish concerning a question I had about spousal infidelity. Here’s the summary. I had a friend who sadly was involved in a sexual relationship with another person who was married. I was shocked when I heard the news, and I admit, with my passionate stance on fidelity, I had questioned whether this was a friendship I wanted to continue…hence, my reasoning for going and talking with a priest. I had posed the question to both of them, “Don’t you think it’s appropriate for the cheating partner to tell his spouse about the infidelity?”

His response…started with "typically, we counsel these person (s)…etc.etc.’

The use of “typically” almost made me lose faith in today’s climate on marriage (not the Priest’s fault), but what he and another priest said is that if the cheating partner is putting at risk the unity of the family or the wife, then, no, he should not tell his wife.

I had a REALLY hard time with this response. 1) so the cheating partner is not really responsible for his actions? 2), he is putting at risk the health of his wife if he gets any STD, 3) omitting the Truth is lying is it not? Did the Church just say it’s ok to lie?

If someone could kindly give me feedback on these responses, I would greatly appreciate, because I have been considering talking again to these Priests and telling them that I think this is bad counsel!
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Greetings
This isn’t necessarily a position of the church, but recovery, which was deeply influenced by the church especially by a Priest named Father Ed Dowling Jr.

Step 9 states “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

The injure them or others was learned from the Oxford groups of the day when public confession of transgressions during group meetings often deeply hurt people. It was decided to then weigh that type of confession to a spouse with an adviser, either a sponsor, a Priest, or both.

Again, not a Catholic position, but perhaps that is where this type of position comes from? Being a Catholic myself I appreciate where you are coming from. And I myself would have to seriously weigh whether someone who cheats on their spouse is someone I want to be around. After all who we chose as friends can hurt us. I think there is a difference in who we keep as close friends and those we witness to.

But as far as the church mandating that a cheating spouse MUST confess to their spouse, I think one would have to look at what Christ said to those who came to Him for forgiveness, not a friend’s personal beliefs-
v/r
 
PrayerGal said:
Hello all,

I was troubled by a response that I was given by not one but two priests at the same parish concerning a question I had about spousal infidelity. Here’s the summary. I had a friend who sadly was involved in a sexual relationship with another person who was married. I was shocked when I heard the news, and I admit, with my passionate stance on fidelity, I had questioned whether this was a friendship I wanted to continue…hence, my reasoning for going and talking with a priest. I had posed the question to both of them, “Don’t you think it’s appropriate for the cheating partner to tell his spouse about the infidelity?”

His response…started with "typically, we counsel these person (s)…etc.etc.’

The use of “typically” almost made me lose faith in today’s climate on marriage (not the Priest’s fault), but what he and another priest said is that if the cheating partner is putting at risk the unity of the family or the wife, then, no, he should not tell his wife.

I had a REALLY hard time with this response. 1) so the cheating partner is not really responsible for his actions? 2), he is putting at risk the health of his wife if he gets any STD, 3) omitting the Truth is lying is it not? Did the Church just say it’s ok to lie?

If someone could kindly give me feedback on these responses, I would greatly appreciate, because I have been considering talking again to these Priests and telling them that I think this is bad counsel!
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That seems very strange to me as the Church teaches that spouse who is a victim of adultery has a right to separation.
Can. 1152 §1 It is earnestly recommended that a spouse, motivated by christian charity and solicitous for the good of the family, should not refuse to pardon an adulterous partner and should not sunder the conjugal life. Nevertheless, if that spouse has not either expressly or tacitly condoned the other’s fault, he or she has the right to sever the common conjugal life , provided he or she has not consented to the adultery, nor been the cause of it, nor also committed adultery.
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