Priest response to spousal infidelity in marriage

[chevalier]

I believe that cheating is wrong and that there is no excuse for it. Cheating is not a “mistake” or “accident.” It is a series of deliberate deception.

Not to be contrarian but nope, on all counts. Just like every other sin, it can very much begin from a mistake or accident and even be partially excused. An excuse doesn’t mean something is good per se, it only means your responsibility is either excluded or limited. And yes, cheating can come and even typically does come with a lot of circumstances that put people in a miserable position and undermine their defences so that they fail to resist the temptation when the occasion arises. All of it does affect the extent of people’s subjective responsibility, as dims their knowledge and puts limitations on their ability to consent. I’m not talking about some sort of total exoneration but only rather saying that bad sins happen to good people as well. In addition to everybody’s mind being different, nobody, no matter how good, is immune to temptation or fall (which is why a miracle performed before you died won’t get you canonized, among other things), and few bad sinners are actually consumately evil people, not that one needs to be such in order to commit mortal sin.

A prolonged affair is likely to involve a series of deliberate deception, but for that to be fully true you need a very irresponsible or sociopathic person (a larger group than one would think, especially including people who temporarily act like that), especially for something well planned and rehearsed.

Without condoning such a person’s action, the difference between the mental frame of someone who can’t keep his pants zipped and ends up failing to get it under control is different from the mental frame of someone who decides to spice up his/her own sex life without including the spouse. Fallers-in-extramarital-love will also act differently. Conquerors and predators will act differently. High-ground hypocrites will be different from playful habitual liars, and so on.

One can’t possibly sort them all out or put all of them in the same basket.

And once again, yes, a one-night stand could happen as a result of a (culpable) mistake and accident ( = lucky temptation). This is something very difficult to imagine for someone who has good self-control, but yes, it can happen.

 

[chevalier]

I can only offer an anecdote told to me by a friend, concerning someone he knew who cheated on his wife. It was not an affair; it was a one night stand which occurred on a business trip, which had no chance of occurring again. The cheater made certain he had not contracted any STD’s that could be passed on to his wife. He was filled with remorse, almost to the point of despair. He sincerely regretted this sin. He confided in his friend, and told him that his conscience was telling him that he needed to confess to his wife and beg forgiveness.

His friend advised against it. In his view, what the cheater wanted to do was to unburden himself by laying the burden on his wife. She had no way of knowing of this incident otherwise. Their marriage was a happy one and there were children. This friend advised him strongly against confessing to his wife. It would, he told him, only make things worse. What he needed to do was to be the best husband he could be from that point forward.

The cheater ignored that advice. He felt a great burden of guilt. He told his wife. She was devastated; she simply could not accept it. The result: divorce, destroyed marriage, fatherless children. Had the husband kept the burden on himself, where it properly belonged, that marriage might have been long lasting.

I’m inclined to see the wife, tentatively, as one of those good righteous souls who have difficulties forgiving, at least before they too stray. But of course this is my imagination working. It has to be said that to forgive cheating can be very difficult, especially for people who for one reason or other are inclined to be possessive or at least territorial, or perhaps those same people who will never trust you once you fail (lie especially). Still, those righteous types are not really completely heartless and I wouldn’t go as far as suspecting them to be conclusively unable to forgive and get back together. A lot of our fellow posters probably know hardcore Evangelical fire-and-brimstone types who have actually melted and forgiven cheating.

One other thing to consider in this scenario, in any case, is the fact that divorce happened because of cheating makes it rather clear that Catholic morals weren’t the most important guide there, which — despite a ton of educational value in it — rather limits its translatability to our circumstances here, where we presume the spouses to be acting or at least want to act Catholic.

And acting Catholic, of course, includes separation as an action (one that the Church allows but is hardly enthusiastic about! e.g. priests need to try and persuade you to forgive) but not really running to a civil judge for a divorce that says, on paper, the marriage is over, which is obviously not what it is, and a Catholic should not seek comfort in the objectively false declaration of a civil judge as if that could trump God’s law. Obviously a lot of Catholics will not be stopped by this in real life, but still.

Next, I wouldn’t go as far as saying that their marriage would have been a lie if he hadn’t told her; however, her reaction makes one stop and think about depriving people of thier chance to make the choice, as in specifically preempting them from leaving you when you’ve been bad.

Finally, there’s a good chance the guilt and remourse would eventually fing its way to the surface. Even hiding them, for all the self-control and self-consciousness it would require, would result in a ton of artificial body language, voice tone, phrasing etc., as well as distant or pained looks or visible self-loathing or at least self-doubting. It isn’t impossible to hide a ton of guilt from someone who knows us intimately, but it certainly isn’t easy to pull off in practice, and it would be difficult to justify evasive answers and mental reversations bordering on life in raction to probing questions from one’s spouse. Food for thought. Especially in the context of what’s better — telling or having it come out and then it all looking like a line in the time between the deed and the coming out of it. A lot of people would find it difficult to avoid seeing a continuity of lie there but only something that happened at one isolated point in time years ago.

 

[JimG]

I’m inclined to see the wife, tentatively, as one of those good righteous souls who have difficulties forgiving, at least before they too stray. But of course this is my imagination working. It has to be said that to forgive cheating can be very difficult, especially for people who for one reason or other are inclined to be possessive or at least territorial, or perhaps those same people who will never trust you once you fail (lie especially). Still, those righteous types are not really completely heartless and I wouldn’t go as far as suspecting them to be conclusively unable to forgive and get back together. A lot of our fellow posters probably know hardcore Evangelical fire-and-brimstone types who have actually melted and forgiven cheating.

One other thing to consider in this scenario, in any case, is the fact that divorce happened because of cheating makes it rather clear that Catholic morals weren’t the most important guide there, which — despite a ton of educational value in it — rather limits its translatability to our circumstances here, where we presume the spouses to be acting or at least want to act Catholic.

And acting Catholic, of course, includes separation as an action (one that the Church allows but is hardly enthusiastic about! e.g. priests need to try and persuade you to forgive) but not really running to a civil judge for a divorce that says, on paper, the marriage is over, which is obviously not what it is, and a Catholic should not seek comfort in the objectively false declaration of a civil judge as if that could trump God’s law. Obviously a lot of Catholics will not be stopped by this in real life, but still.

Next, I wouldn’t go as far as saying that their marriage would have been a lie if he hadn’t told her; however, her reaction makes one stop and think about depriving people of thier chance to make the choice, as in specifically preempting them from leaving you when you’ve been bad.

Finally, there’s a good chance the guilt and remourse would eventually fing its way to the surface. Even hiding them, for all the self-control and self-consciousness it would require, would result in a ton of artificial body language, voice tone, phrasing etc., as well as distant or pained looks or visible self-loathing or at least self-doubting. It isn’t impossible to hide a ton of guilt from someone who knows us intimately, but it certainly isn’t easy to pull off in practice, and it would be difficult to justify evasive answers and mental reversations bordering on life in raction to probing questions from one’s spouse. Food for thought. Especially in the context of what’s better — telling or having it come out and then it all looking like a line in the time between the deed and the coming out of it. A lot of people would find it difficult to avoid seeing a continuity of lie there but only something that happened at one isolated point in time years ago.

I can’t tell what would have happened had this husband not confessed to his wife. But the guy who knew the couple best said that nothing would have happened. I have heard it said that for Catholics, sins confessed in the confessional and forgiven are “forgotten” by God, and will never be known to others, even at the last judgment. Husbands and wives do not routinely confess their sins to each other. It would never be proper to ask a spouse what had been confessed in the confessional. I realize that infidelity is a special case. Still I think it unfair to purposely burden a spouse unnecessarily. Would a husband confess looking at other women, having sexual fantasies? I would hope that he would overcome those things on his own without involving his wife.

 

[chevalier]

Still I think it unfair to purposely burden a spouse unnecessarily.

Yup. No argument there.

Would a husband confess looking at other women, having sexual fantasies? I would hope that he would overcome those things on his own without involving his wife.

Yup. I’ve never been married, but I’ve been in the position of wishing a girlfriend (in adult life) would stop talking to me about those things if not actually asking for my help of some sort. Just like whereas I don’t mind hearing that my brother or friend is handsome, intelligent and an all-round great guy, I don’t really need to listen about that charming guy she saw on the bus. (I know people who can have those discusions on purely platonic levels or just don’t mind, but I’m not one of them.)

 

[Clearwater14]

I am very surprised by some of the responses that you received on this forum and what the two Priests said to you. I am in a very similar situation. My husband and I went to speak to two different Priests from two different Catholic Churches. The Priests told my husband that honesty is always the best policy, and the trickle truth would actually hurt me worse. They told my husband that he should tell me the truth, because it is the right thing to do. They told him that by not saying anything that he would be lying by omission. The priests both agreed that lying to me would be a sin.

From my personal experience my husband’s lies have caused me deep emotional trauma. I have had to see a therapist and be put on depression medication due to this emotional trauma that I have experienced, because of his lies. I feel that I have the right to know if he cheated and what happened. I always told myself that I would never stay married to someone who committed adultery. If my husband hid his sin of committing adultery and didn’t tell me, this is taking away MY CHOICE to decide what is best for me! I deserve to know what happened, and I deserve to hear all the facts. Maybe I wouldn’t choose divorce, but it would be for me to decide- NOT my husband’s choice.

I am experiencing depression and anxiety, because I know that my husband is lying to me and he refuses to tell me the truth. Most wives know that something is “off” and that their husbands are keeping things from them. My gut is screaming at me that my husband has not told me the truth. Also, my husband has given me the “trickle” truth for the past several years, which has created more damage than the actual act itself.

Lying destroys trust and creates cracks in the foundation of marriage. I cannot go along with the idea of hiding anything this important from your spouse. It is just wrong! Life is difficult and hurtful at times, however, keeping the truth from your spouse to “spare them pain” is not a wise thing to do. You would be living a lie. Your spouse has the right to know what you did so they can decide for themselves what they want to do. I would be hurt much more if my husband hid an affair from me instead of confessing to me what happened. I would respect him more if he confessed and told me the truth. This is called respecting your marriage vows and the commitment that you made to each other.

I think it is always wrong to hide an affair, or a one night stand or even kissing. You would be making excuses to keep important information from your spouse to hide your secret/sin. Nothing good can ever come from this. Most marriage counselors recommend coming clean to your spouse and telling the truth- even if it hurts your partner. The truth is always better than to be deceived with a lie.

 

[chevalier]

They told my husband that he should tell me the truth, because it is the right thing to do. They told him that by not saying anything that he would be lying by omission. The priests both agreed that lying to me would be a sin.

I’m finding it hard to find the lie by omission there. Even if we could agree that there exists an obligation to volunteer the information, that would still not necessarily make a lie by omission for not telling. Looking for a source of obligation to tell would be a good start, then you could take it from there.

Just for the record, I’m talking about admission of past cheating, not the sort of thing that relates to disguising any cheating that’s currently taking place.

The Priests told my husband that honesty is always the best policy, and the trickle truth would actually hurt me worse. (…) From my personal experience my husband’s lies have caused me deep emotional trauma.

This, however, rings perfectly true.

I always told myself that I would never stay married to someone who committed adultery. If my husband hid his sin of committing adultery and didn’t tell me, this is taking away MY CHOICE to decide what is best for me!

You don’t actually have a choice to decide what is best for you. Nobody does. That’s now what we’re supposed to do. We’re supposed to love our neighbour like we love ourselves, and God even more, and marriage makes two people one. Yes, there is a right to separate from a cheater, but there’s no right to just do what one thinks is best for himself or herself.

I deserve to know what happened, and I deserve to hear all the facts. Maybe I wouldn’t choose divorce, but it would be for me to decide- NOT my husband’s choice.

Again, this does ring true, though. It shouldn’t really be up to the cheater to decide, though I can understand people who would be afraid to admit to past cheating and face losing their marriages due to the limitations on human ability to forgive.

I am experiencing depression and anxiety, because I know that my husband is lying to me and he refuses to tell me the truth. Most wives know that something is “off” and that their husbands are keeping things from them. My gut is screaming at me that my husband has not told me the truth. Also, my husband has given me the “trickle” truth for the past several years, which has created more damage than the actual act itself.

I would say something like one night stand that won’t come out in any way unless the information is volunteered by the spouse who did that, then that’s a different thing from something like concocting a story full of half-truths and smokescreens. This is because a lie is something different from mental reservation or just shutting up. Desiring to withhold information as a goal doesn’t justify lies as the means. ‘Not telling’ therefore doesn’t extent to ‘telling some semi-random garbage to cover up’.

Lying destroys trust and creates cracks in the foundation of marriage.

Yes, it does.

I cannot go along with the idea of hiding anything this important from your spouse.

Not volunteering specific information doesn’t amount to lying. However, yes, one would need to consider what to answer if one’s spouse were to ask something to the effect of: ‘You’d never cheat on me, right?,’ or: ‘You’ve always been faithful to me, haven’t you?’ There are many possible questions that put one in a position where’s it’s either admit it or refuse to answer (which is pretty telling), or you ‘have to’ lie. And that’s not a situation which justifies lying (if there is even any, which there probably isn’t, more like mitigating the guilt if we do it e.g. to save our lives).

Your spouse has the right to know what you did so they can decide for themselves what they want to do.

This rings true up to a point, but at the end of the day it would be very difficult to prove a right to decide what to do going as far having a right to expect the other spouse to volunteer the information. And the ‘for themselves’ part, like I said above, is not exactly true. Being Christian, living in a society and being married all put some limitations on individualism, individual sovereignty, individual interest etc. The individual is not at the top. God is. Below God is the homeland, the family… oneself only below. In other words, staying true to God and staying true to one’s homeland, one’s family etc. comes before staying true to oneself. Hence even without requiring people to be martyrs and sacrifice everything, one can’t turn individual autonomy into some sort of all-trumping imperative.

 

[Clearwater14]

In my faith, part of repentance is confessing the sin (to God and any victims) and making restitution (in so much as possible). If you steal something, you confess to the store owner and give it back. If you lied, you admit so to the hurt parties and do your best to undo the damage. If one commits adultery, part of repentance is confessing to God and the betrayed spouse.

I do not know Catholic teaching in the matter. Hence my asking.

Well said! I agree with you! Confess to God, Confess to your Spouse, Confess to the Church.

 

[Clearwater14]

Thank you for your thoughts, although I respectfully disagree. I feel that a person’s sins are their own burden and should be carried by them and Jesus who carried that burden for us to the cross.

How about other sins? Should my husband reveal to me that he has been looking at pornography after he has gone to confession? Should I reveal to my husband that I have had been engaging in sexual fantasies about his brother after I have confessed it? Should either or both of us reveal to the other one that we have lied to each other after we have confessed it? I am not asking these questions to argue, but in honest dialogue about how far a married couple really should go in revealing their confessed sins to one another in that they are entitled to know the real person they are married to.

If the adultery is an ongoing lifestyle then the wronged spouse has every right to know. If the adultery is a past sin that has been confessed and has been moved on from (as long as there are no urgent health matters - diseases or potential conceived children to be concerned about ) then the spouse need not be burdened in my opinion.

In my view and the belief of my two Catholic Parish Priests, committing adultery is a HUGE secret and it broke the marriage vows between the couple. God allows for divorce if adultery was committed. The marriage has been severed. Porn is wrong and sinful and should be told to their spouse. However, looking at porn cannot be compared to actually having intercourse with another person. Since marriage vows were broken, the spouse should know what happened. If this is kept a secret the marriage will always be built on a cracked foundation of a huge lie.

 

[Clearwater14]

I’m finding it hard to find the lie by omission there. Even if we could agree that there exists an obligation to volunteer the information, that would still not necessarily make a lie by omission for not telling. Looking for a source of obligation to tell would be a good start, then you could take it from there.

Just for the record, I’m talking about admission of past cheating, not the sort of thing that relates to disguising any cheating that’s currently taking place.

This, however, rings perfectly true.

You don’t actually have a choice to decide what is best for you. Nobody does. That’s now what we’re supposed to do. We’re supposed to love our neighbour like we love ourselves, and God even more, and marriage makes two people one. Yes, there is a right to separate from a cheater, but there’s no right to just do what one thinks is best for himself or herself.

Again, this does ring true, though. It shouldn’t really be up to the cheater to decide, though I can understand people who would be afraid to admit to past cheating and face losing their marriages due to the limitations on human ability to forgive.

I would say something like one night stand that won’t come out in any way unless the information is volunteered by the spouse who did that, then that’s a different thing from something like concocting a story full of half-truths and smokescreens. This is because a lie is something different from mental reservation or just shutting up. Desiring to withhold information as a goal doesn’t justify lies as the means. ‘Not telling’ therefore doesn’t extent to ‘telling some semi-random garbage to cover up’.

Yes, it does.

Not volunteering specific information doesn’t amount to lying. However, yes, one would need to consider what to answer if one’s spouse were to ask something to the effect of: ‘You’d never cheat on me, right?,’ or: ‘You’ve always been faithful to me, haven’t you?’ There are many possible questions that put one in a position where’s it’s either admit it or refuse to answer (which is pretty telling), or you ‘have to’ lie. And that’s not a situation which justifies lying (if there is even any, which there probably isn’t, more like mitigating the guilt if we do it e.g. to save our lives).

This rings true up to a point, but at the end of the day it would be very difficult to prove a right to decide what to do going as far having a right to expect the other spouse to volunteer the information. And the ‘for themselves’ part, like I said above, is not exactly true. Being Christian, living in a society and being married all put some limitations on individualism, individual sovereignty, individual interest etc. The individual is not at the top. God is. Below God is the homeland, the family… oneself only below. In other words, staying true to God and staying true to one’s homeland, one’s family etc. comes before staying true to oneself. Hence even without requiring people to be martyrs and sacrifice everything, one can’t turn individual autonomy into some sort of all-trumping imperative.

The pain of not knowing what happened and the uncertainty has been unbearable for me. It has made me ill both physically and mentally. The happiness and joy in life has been sucked away from me. My gut tells me that my husband has cheated and he hasn’t told me the truth. Do you know how hurtful it has been to me when I ask my husband if he cheated and he denies it. He lies. He makes stories up to cover up what happened. In addition to having a lot of evidence, I do not have him on tape cheating on me. It did happen a while ago, however I still need to know what happened. Our marriage has been destroyed. My husband’s solution is to lie to me at all costs no matter if the trust has been destroyed in our marriage. My husband is ashamed and doesn’t want to admit to his mistake. He doesn’t want to look bad. He is only thinking about himself, not about my well-being. I have been seeing a therapist for a few years now and I am still on depression medication. I am incredibly sad because my husband, my best friend, my soul mate doesn’t respect me enough to tell me the truth. Now I live my life in uncertainty and with a heavy heart. Do I deserve to be treated like this? If I had a choice, I would definitely want my husband to tell me the truth. It would spare me this awful Gut Instinct of knowing my husband cheated, but never having the smoking gun. It would spare me countless hours of doubt and suspicion. It would spare me years of questioning our marriage. The truth shall set you free.

Isn’t there a passage in the Bible that states: When someone doesn’t confess to wrong doing, bring another person with you to ask that person for the truth. If they still refuse to admit, involve the Priest, if they still won’t admit, bring them to the community of the Church. This isn’t the same exact words, but it is all the same lines.

 

[Rico_S]

If a man “cheats” on his fiance prior their marriage, is it still situational as to if he should tell his wife-to-be? Years down the road, would this be considered a contributing factor in assessing whether an anulment would be granted?

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

In my view and the belief of my two Catholic Parish Priests, committing adultery is a HUGE secret and it broke the marriage vows between the couple. God allows for divorce if adultery was committed. The marriage has been severed. Porn is wrong and sinful and should be told to their spouse. However, looking at porn cannot be compared to actually having intercourse with another person. Since marriage vows were broken, the spouse should know what happened. If this is kept a secret the marriage will always be built on a cracked foundation of a huge lie.

Obviously the marriage cannot be severed from a Catholic perspective. And obviously Jesus had a point when he spoke of looking at a woman lustfullt is commuting adultery in the heart.

But what I want to know is, if you really think that way then are those who overcome adultery in marriage not really married in your eyes since the marriage was severed?

Is a marriage less of a marriage because it overcame obsticles and sin. ( I’m not just speaking of adultery here)

 

[pensmama87]

If a man “cheats” on his fiance prior their marriage, is it still situational as to if he should tell his wife-to-be? Years down the road, would this be considered a contributing factor in assessing whether an anulment would be granted?

I’m not a canon lawyer.

But I think beforehand it needs to be disclosed, period. Neither has made that permanent commitment yet. It’s still cheating, even if not adultery, because the relationship is understood to be exclusive. Potential spouses need to know that before they make that commitment permanent.

 

[Clearwater14]

Obviously the marriage cannot be severed from a Catholic perspective. And obviously Jesus had a point when he spoke of looking at a woman lustfullt is commuting adultery in the heart.

But what I want to know is, if you really think that way then are those who overcome adultery in marriage not really married in your eyes since the marriage was severed?

Is a marriage less of a marriage because it overcame obsticles and sin. ( I’m not just speaking of adultery here)

My Priest told me that adultery breaks the marriage vows. You are still married, because you did not go through an annulment. But the Catholic Church will grant an annulment for adultery. If both spouses wish to stay in the marriage and forgive that is their choice.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

My Priest told me that adultery breaks the marriage vows. You are still married, because you did not go through an annulment. But the Catholic Church will grant an annulment for adultery. If both spouses wish to stay in the marriage and forgive that is their choice.

An annulment only signifies that you were never married. You could be misunderstanding your priest. Or he could misunderstand the sacrament.

You are just wrong

 

[pensmama87]

My Priest told me that adultery breaks the marriage vows. You are still married, because you did not go through an annulment. But the Catholic Church will grant an annulment for adultery. If both spouses wish to stay in the marriage and forgive that is their choice.

I think this is mistaken. Adultery permits the wronged spouse to “separate with the bond remaining” - to no longer live as married. But they ARE still married.

A decree of nullity can only be granted if there was some kind of problem at the start. It may be that in many cases with adultery, the same problems that led to the adultery also led to an invalid attempt at marriage. But the adultery is not, by itself, proof of that.

(Again, not a canon lawyer, just piecing together what I’ve read from the experts here at CAF and elsewhere over the years.)

 

[chevalier]

The pain of not knowing what happened and the uncertainty has been unbearable for me. It has made me ill both physically and mentally. The happiness and joy in life has been sucked away from me.

A familiar feeling, horrible to the bone. Still, it doesn’t really crate rights.

My gut tells me that my husband has cheated and he hasn’t told me the truth. Do you know how hurtful it has been to me when I ask my husband if he cheated and he denies it.

I have an idea. Never been married but have been lied to by loved ones. It’s completely awful and certainly nobody has a right to to just make one feel miserable like that for selfish reasons or by negligence, but it still won’t create a ‘right to know’ of sorts.

Our marriage has been destroyed.

Not necessarily. By this I mean adultery in itself does not have to lead to the end of living together, and if one of the parties declares that adultery is unforgivable, then it’s not really the matter of adultery itself from that point but of the party’s attitude to it. This may initially look like a bizarre, unrelated example, but if I decide at some point that I’m going to understand any attempt to steal from me as also an attack on my honour, emotional well-being and a bunch of other things, then my choice doesn’t modify (increase, in this case) the guilt of some random pickpocket who stole my wallet without having ever talked to me before. In other words, the consequences I decide to attach to certain things are also the product of my choice, I can’t lump them all on other people, including people who do bad things to me.

My husband’s solution is to lie to me at all costs no matter if the trust has been destroyed in our marriage. My husband is ashamed and doesn’t want to admit to his mistake. He doesn’t want to look bad. He is only thinking about himself, not about my well-being.

To make it work you would both have to meet somewhere in the middle. By this I don’t mean halfway to tolerating cheating or lying, but halfway in terms of your respective feelings and well-beings.

Do I deserve to be treated like this?

Absolutely not. And for the record you don’t have an absolute obligation to keep exposing yourself to it. Your rights do include separating yourself from him if that cheating is proved, whether or not he admits it, or if he puts you in danger (not only in a physical sense), as it seems he does.

If I had a choice, I would definitely want my husband to tell me the truth. It would spare me this awful Gut Instinct of knowing my husband cheated, but never having the smoking gun. It would spare me countless hours of doubt and suspicion. It would spare me years of questioning our marriage. The truth shall set you free.

I definitely see the point. I’m not convinced this means one has to tell, but I see the point. It also goes a long way (although not the whole way) toward negating the idea that not telling means less hurt for the spouse who isn’t told.

Still, do note that a prolonged cheating situation that’s going on while being denied is a different issue from whether or not one should necessarily confess past infidelities to one’s spouse.

Isn’t there a passage in the Bible that states: When someone doesn’t confess to wrong doing, bring another person with you to ask that person for the truth. If they still refuse to admit, involve the Priest, if they still won’t admit, bring them to the community of the Church. This isn’t the same exact words, but it is all the same lines.

There is certainly a passage on fraternal correction of sinners that goes along that path but I can’t think of any that would relate to getting confessions from people rather than getting them to change their behaviour. This doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist, but I just can’t think of anything.

 

[Catherinabird]

Clearwater, your situation sounds unique. You say you know he has cheated; but he won’t admit to it and in fact denies it. And you have suspect evidence of the cheating, but no solid proof? He has talked to priests about telling you something, but he won’t actually tell you what it is? It sounds like you are in a strange and unusual circumstance. Of course whatever this is, although unknown, will be harming your relationship.

 

[Clearwater14]

A familiar feeling, horrible to the bone. Still, it doesn’t really crate rights.

I have an idea. Never been married but have been lied to by loved ones. It’s completely awful and certainly nobody has a right to to just make one feel miserable like that for selfish reasons or by negligence, but it still won’t create a ‘right to know’ of sorts.

Not necessarily. By this I mean adultery in itself does not have to lead to the end of living together, and if one of the parties declares that adultery is unforgivable, then it’s not really the matter of adultery itself from that point but of the party’s attitude to it. This may initially look like a bizarre, unrelated example, but if I decide at some point that I’m going to understand any attempt to steal from me as also an attack on my honour, emotional well-being and a bunch of other things, then my choice doesn’t modify (increase, in this case) the guilt of some random pickpocket who stole my wallet without having ever talked to me before. In other words, the consequences I decide to attach to certain things are also the product of my choice, I can’t lump them all on other people, including people who do bad things to me.

To make it work you would both have to meet somewhere in the middle. By this I don’t mean halfway to tolerating cheating or lying, but halfway in terms of your respective feelings and well-beings.

Absolutely not. And for the record you don’t have an absolute obligation to keep exposing yourself to it. Your rights do include separating yourself from him if that cheating is proved, whether or not he admits it, or if he puts you in danger (not only in a physical sense), as it seems he does.

I definitely see the point. I’m not convinced this means one has to tell, but I see the point. It also goes a long way (although not the whole way) toward negating the idea that not telling means less hurt for the spouse who isn’t told.

Still, do note that a prolonged cheating situation that’s going on while being denied is a different issue from whether or not one should necessarily confess past infidelities to one’s spouse.

There is certainly a passage on fraternal correction of sinners that goes along that path but I can’t think of any that would relate to getting confessions from people rather than getting them to change their behaviour. This doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist, but I just can’t think of anything.

Thank you Chevalier for your response. It was very thoughtful of you. FYI, my husband’s suspected inappropriate sexual contact (not having intercourse), but getting private lap dances with dancers, touching the dancers and letting them touch him (the dancers were naked)… AND… going out to lunch/dinner with female co-workers and meeting them at Bars after work when I didn’t know about it. All of this behavior has stopped, because I found out about it. However, my husband continues to deny the above even when other people have told me that this happened. Because he doesn’t confess to me I have lost respect for him. I understand that people make mistakes, but it is very difficult to forgive when they don’t admit their mistakes. Trust has been broken. I am not sure if the above circumstances is enough to get a divorce, because he has stopped this behavior. However, it has had a huge impact on our relationship, my emotional health and my physical well-being.

 

[Clearwater14]

An annulment only signifies that you were never married. You could be misunderstanding your priest. Or he could misunderstand the sacrament.

You are just wrong

I think I have been misunderstood. The Priest told me that adultery does break the marriage vows…However, you are still married. If you didn’t want to be married anymore, the Catholic Church will grant an Annulment for adultery. An annulment means you were never married to begin with.

 

[jane_doe]

Clearwater, your situation sounds unique. You say you know he has cheated; but he won’t admit to it and in fact denies it. And you have suspect evidence of the cheating, but no solid proof? He has talked to priests about telling you something, but he won’t actually tell you what it is? It sounds like you are in a strange and unusual circumstance. Of course whatever this is, although unknown, will be harming your relationship.

It is FAR from a unique situation. Many (if not most) cheaters deny it, just like most people in jail deny their crimes.