Priest response to spousal infidelity in marriage

[pensmama87]

I think I have been misunderstood. The Priest told me that adultery does break the marriage vows…However, you are still married.** If you didn’t want to be married anymore, the Catholic Church will grant an Annulment for adultery**. An annulment means you were never married to begin with.

The bolded is not true.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I think I have been misunderstood. The Priest told me that adultery does break the marriage vows…However, you are still married. If you didn’t want to be married anymore, the Catholic Church will grant an Annulment for adultery. An annulment means you were never married to begin with.

No way. That is not the Catholic understanding of marriage at all.

This is why clarity on marriage is of vital importance in today’s world. The church cannot dissolve a marriage. It can only determine if one was there at the time if the vows.

I’m concerned by your understanding of a Catholic sacrament. Even more concerned that you are learning this from a priest. Perhaps you are misunderstanding.

Have you read the catechism on the matter?

 

[Catherinabird]

It is FAR from a unique situation. Many (if not most) cheaters deny it, just like most people in jail deny their crimes.

You may be statistically right, although I can’t imagine that it’s very common for a wife to know her husband is confessing these things to their priest. But, either way, your situation is unique from those in which the cheater does voluntarily confess or is caught and does not deny what happened. I would imagine the pain of knowing, but having it denied, is a different kind of misery from a situation in which there is no denial. I guess I am trying to say that your situation sounds dreadful. I’m sorry you are hurting so.

 

[Clearwater14]

You may be statistically right, although I can’t imagine that it’s very common for a wife to know her husband is confessing these things to their priest. But, either way, your situation is unique from those in which the cheater does voluntarily confess or is caught and does not deny what happened. I would imagine the pain of knowing, but having it denied, is a different kind of misery from a situation in which there is no denial. I guess I am trying to say that your situation sounds dreadful. I’m sorry you are hurting so.

To clarify…my husband never confessed to our priest. We both went to see our Priest as a couple. The Priest told my husband if he did those things that he should tell me the truth. My husband denied and lied to the priest right in front of me.

 

[chevalier]

Thank you Chevalier for your response. It was very thoughtful of you. FYI, my husband’s suspected inappropriate sexual contact (not having intercourse), but getting private lap dances with dancers, touching the dancers and letting them touch him (the dancers were naked)… AND… going out to lunch/dinner with female co-workers and meeting them at Bars after work when I didn’t know about it. All of this behavior has stopped, because I found out about it. However, my husband continues to deny the above even when other people have told me that this happened. Because he doesn’t confess to me I have lost respect for him. I understand that people make mistakes, but it is very difficult to forgive when they don’t admit their mistakes. Trust has been broken. I am not sure if the above circumstances is enough to get a divorce, because he has stopped this behavior. However, it has had a huge impact on our relationship, my emotional health and my physical well-being.

If you have reliable information — more or less the level you’d need if you sat on a jury — then if he can’t offer a convincing counterargument, then you’re pretty much in your right drawing some conclusions, but before that happens you do need to make sure you have something like direct, first-hand observations from honest poeple who have no reason to lie, not just something they swear is true but they concluded it from scraps they’ve (over)heard or just some tiny parts they actually saw.

And yes, people have all sorts of issues that sometimes prevent them from even seeing what’s wrong in that kind of approach, as in latching on something small, taking it far from there, then making it a matter of personal honour to be right and to be believed. People also lie for all sorts of stupid reasons, e.g. not to have to go back on something they’ve said before, which would make them look bad. Since it’s your hubby, you need to be extra sure you aren’t allowing him to be railroaded by someone with an agenda or with some issues, also because the damage from that sort of thing could be massive and difficult to repair. But once you have it black on white, then it’s black on white and denying it doesn’t help.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

To clarify…my husband never confessed to our priest. We both went to see our Priest as a couple. The Priest told my husband if he did those things that he should tell me the truth. My husband denied and lied to the priest right in front of me.

Actually I don’t blame him for lying. From what you’ve described he was faced with a wife and a priest who might be confused about the sacrament.

I’d have kept my mouth shut too. Though I might have confessed in private later. Or even before. Which he may have done.

 

[November_Rain]

I am very surprised by some of the responses that you received on this forum and what the two Priests said to you. I am in a very similar situation. My husband and I went to speak to two different Priests from two different Catholic Churches. The Priests told my husband that honesty is always the best policy, and the trickle truth would actually hurt me worse. They told my husband that he should tell me the truth, because it is the right thing to do. They told him that by not saying anything that he would be lying by omission. The priests both agreed that lying to me would be a sin.

From my personal experience my husband’s lies have caused me deep emotional trauma. I have had to see a therapist and be put on depression medication due to this emotional trauma that I have experienced, because of his lies. I feel that I have the right to know if he cheated and what happened. I always told myself that I would never stay married to someone who committed adultery. If my husband hid his sin of committing adultery and didn’t tell me, this is taking away MY CHOICE to decide what is best for me! I deserve to know what happened, and I deserve to hear all the facts. Maybe I wouldn’t choose divorce, but it would be for me to decide- NOT my husband’s choice.

I am experiencing depression and anxiety, because I know that my husband is lying to me and he refuses to tell me the truth. Most wives know that something is “off” and that their husbands are keeping things from them. My gut is screaming at me that my husband has not told me the truth. Also, my husband has given me the “trickle” truth for the past several years, which has created more damage than the actual act itself.

Lying destroys trust and creates cracks in the foundation of marriage. I cannot go along with the idea of hiding anything this important from your spouse. It is just wrong! Life is difficult and hurtful at times, however, keeping the truth from your spouse to “spare them pain” is not a wise thing to do. You would be living a lie. Your spouse has the right to know what you did so they can decide for themselves what they want to do. I would be hurt much more if my husband hid an affair from me instead of confessing to me what happened. I would respect him more if he confessed and told me the truth. This is called respecting your marriage vows and the commitment that you made to each other.

I think it is always wrong to hide an affair, or a one night stand or even kissing. You would be making excuses to keep important information from your spouse to hide your secret/sin. Nothing good can ever come from this. Most marriage counselors recommend coming clean to your spouse and telling the truth- even if it hurts your partner. The truth is always better than to be deceived with a lie.

I feel for you, Clearwater, because I was once in the very place where you are at. the trickle truth left me so off balance that I ultimately was diagnosed with PTSD. And when I shared with my counselor the misfortune I endured as a child, the diagnosis was changed to Complex PTSD.

However, there were way more issues than the infidelity in the marriage. I was so disturbed by the trauma of discovering that my husband wasn’t faithful, when I was to working my butt off to follow church teaching by being open to life, potentially risking my life with pregnancy, sacrificing because we had a big family, and always trying to keep him happy. Our priest said something very similar to what yours said and it was probably due to the actualities of the situation. (Unfortunately, my priest also yelled at me to get “fixed” and that didn’t help with his credibility. My husband used that against me to avoid transparency and honesty.)

I focused too much on the infidelity, when at the end of the day, my philandering husband was more than happy to keep me on the outside of our marriage by withholding information from me.

That was the crux of my problem and I let cheating block me from the truth of my life. I wasn’t in a marriage, because I was on the outside. There was a legal certificate saying I was married; but from

 

[November_Rain]

I’m finding it hard to find the lie by omission there. Even if we could agree that there exists an obligation to volunteer the information, that would still not necessarily make a lie by omission for not telling. Looking for a source of obligation to tell would be a good start, then you could take it from there.

Just for the record, I’m talking about admission of past cheating, not the sort of thing that relates to disguising any cheating that’s currently taking place.

This, however, rings perfectly true.

You don’t actually have a choice to decide what is best for you. Nobody does. That’s now what we’re supposed to do. We’re supposed to love our neighbour like we love ourselves, and God even more, and marriage makes two people one. Yes, there is a right to separate from a cheater, but there’s no right to just do what one thinks is best for himself or herself.

Again, this does ring true, though. It shouldn’t really be up to the cheater to decide, though I can understand people who would be afraid to admit to past cheating and face losing their marriages due to the limitations on human ability to forgive.

I would say something like one night stand that won’t come out in any way unless the information is volunteered by the spouse who did that, then that’s a different thing from something like concocting a story full of half-truths and smokescreens. This is because a lie is something different from mental reservation or just shutting up. Desiring to withhold information as a goal doesn’t justify lies as the means. ‘Not telling’ therefore doesn’t extent to ‘telling some semi-random garbage to cover up’.

Yes, it does.

Not volunteering specific information doesn’t amount to lying. However, yes, one would need to consider what to answer if one’s spouse were to ask something to the effect of: ‘You’d never cheat on me, right?,’ or: ‘You’ve always been faithful to me, haven’t you?’ There are many possible questions that put one in a position where’s it’s either admit it or refuse to answer (which is pretty telling), or you ‘have to’ lie. And that’s not a situation which justifies lying (if there is even any, which there probably isn’t, more like mitigating the guilt if we do it e.g. to save our lives).

This rings true up to a point, but at the end of the day it would be very difficult to prove a right to decide what to do going as far having a right to expect the other spouse to volunteer the information. And the ‘for themselves’ part, like I said above, is not exactly true. Being Christian, living in a society and being married all put some limitations on individualism, individual sovereignty, individual interest etc. The individual is not at the top. God is. Below God is the homeland, the family… oneself only below. In other words, staying true to God and staying true to one’s homeland, one’s family etc. comes before staying true to oneself. Hence even without requiring people to be martyrs and sacrifice everything, one can’t turn individual autonomy into some sort of all-trumping imperative.

We have the absolute right to choose what is best for us as individuals. It is called free will.

If someone is harming us, then we have the right and responsibility to protect ourselves. Let me say this much, I knew something was way off in my marriage when my spouse was being unfaithful. He wasn’t a kind nor considerate person to me or our kids. But I had my faith beliefs, loved my husband, and still did my best to follow church teaching.

I trusted in God during a time of adversity (unemployment) and still performed my wifely duties. I became pregnant, had our child, and plugged away in poverty, hoping and knowing that things would improve because “God works it out for those who trust”.

If I had known I was with a cheater, I would have abstained and it would have been my God given, free will right to do so. I absolutely should have made the truth be a requirement for re-entry into the marital bed when I learned that he was unfaithful 2+ years after the fact. A polygraph would have been a good place to start and if he refused, adios amigo.

Instead, I forgave when I didn’t know what I was forgiving. Since the affair partner was someone in my inner circle, I put up with additional grief because of it. So did our kids. It always felt like another nuke was about to go off at any time. And since the people I deal with aren’t known for being kind or compassionate, I figured if I tried to have any healthy boundaries that made them mad, I’d get a small blast of the truth to hurt me and back me down.

Fortunately, I don’t have to worry about it anymore. Several years ago he cheated again by hooking up with a coworker and hid it in the name of “bringing her back into the Church”. Me and the older kids felt like something was very amiss and told him to send her to the deacon and his wife so they could teach her about the faith. Nope, ex wanted to have his cake and eat it too. In fact, he called me a terrible name and told me I was a “bad Christian” because I didn’t want to be “her friend”.

Needless to say, I had prayed to God and told Him that I tough my husband was being unfaithful again, and that He’ll reveal it in His Time. I promised God that I would handle the situation with grace, dignity and love. Which is what I did when I found out that there was an affair with the coworker. My ex wanted to be with her, so he left our family.

But I am grateful that I had the right to choose to separate. We have been divorced for a little over a year now and at least I have my sanity.

 

[November_Rain]

Obviously the marriage cannot be severed from a Catholic perspective. And obviously Jesus had a point when he spoke of looking at a woman lustfullt is commuting adultery in the heart.

But what I want to know is, if you really think that way then are those who overcome adultery in marriage not really married in your eyes since the marriage was severed?

Is a marriage less of a marriage because it overcame obsticles and sin. ( I’m not just speaking of adultery here)

I had a brief two minutes to tell my local bishop of the situation when my ex (then spouse) was in a relationship with someone else.

With a dismissive wave of his hand, the bishop said, “It can’t be a valid marriage if he’s doing that”. According to what I was taught about Catholicism, what the bishop binds, is bound and what he looses, is loose. I didn’t have a valid marriage. How quaint.

 

[November_Rain]

To repent is to “feel or express sincere regret or remorse about one’s wrongdoing or sin” per the definition (found online via google). That can be done without telling.

In catechism class for entrance into the Catholic religion, I learned that penitence involved repenting and restitution (barring harm to the individual or some other inability to make restitution).

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I had a brief two minutes to tell my local bishop of the situation when my ex (then spouse) was in a relationship with someone else.

With a dismissive wave of his hand, the bishop said, “It can’t be a valid marriage if he’s doing that”. According to what I was taught about Catholicism, what the bishop binds, is bound and what he looses, is loose. I didn’t have a valid marriage. How quaint.

It’s so sad when I hear these stories. I know the bishops and priests are trying to help. But I’m shocked at some of the things I hear.

 

[Xantippe]

Not to be contrarian but nope, on all counts. Just like every other sin, it can very much begin from a mistake or accident and even be partially excused. An excuse doesn’t mean something is good per se, it only means your responsibility is either excluded or limited. And yes, cheating can come and even typically does come with a lot of circumstances that put people in a miserable position and undermine their defences so that they fail to resist the temptation when the occasion arises. All of it does affect the extent of people’s subjective responsibility, as dims their knowledge and puts limitations on their ability to consent. I’m not talking about some sort of total exoneration but only rather saying that bad sins happen to good people as well. In addition to everybody’s mind being different, nobody, no matter how good, is immune to temptation or fall (which is why a miracle performed before you died won’t get you canonized, among other things), and few bad sinners are actually consumately evil people, not that one needs to be such in order to commit mortal sin.

A prolonged affair is likely to involve a series of deliberate deception, but for that to be fully true you need a very irresponsible or sociopathic person (a larger group than one would think, especially including people who temporarily act like that), especially for something well planned and rehearsed.

Without condoning such a person’s action, the difference between the mental frame of someone who can’t keep his pants zipped and ends up failing to get it under control is different from the mental frame of someone who decides to spice up his/her own sex life without including the spouse. Fallers-in-extramarital-love will also act differently. Conquerors and predators will act differently. High-ground hypocrites will be different from playful habitual liars, and so on.

One can’t possibly sort them all out or put all of them in the same basket.

And once again, yes, a one-night stand could happen as a result of a (culpable) mistake and accident ( = lucky temptation). This is something very difficult to imagine for someone who has good self-control, but yes, it can happen.

I think it’s a reasonable concern whether this person who is so weak and unable to resist temptation is going to be able to resist in future.

The less culpable they are, the more concern there is that they are simply incapable of fidelity going forward.

 

[Xantippe]

We have the absolute right to choose what is best for us as individuals. It is called free will.

If someone is harming us, then we have the right and responsibility to protect ourselves. Let me say this much, I knew something was way off in my marriage when my spouse was being unfaithful. He wasn’t a kind nor considerate person to me or our kids. But I had my faith beliefs, loved my husband, and still did my best to follow church teaching.

I trusted in God during a time of adversity (unemployment) and still performed my wifely duties. I became pregnant, had our child, and plugged away in poverty, hoping and knowing that things would improve because “God works it out for those who trust”.

If I had known I was with a cheater, I would have abstained and it would have been my God given, free will right to do so. I absolutely should have made the truth be a requirement for re-entry into the marital bed when I learned that he was unfaithful 2+ years after the fact. A polygraph would have been a good place to start and if he refused, adios amigo.

Instead, I forgave when I didn’t know what I was forgiving. Since the affair partner was someone in my inner circle, I put up with additional grief because of it. So did our kids. It always felt like another nuke was about to go off at any time. And since the people I deal with aren’t known for being kind or compassionate, I figured if I tried to have any healthy boundaries that made them mad, I’d get a small blast of the truth to hurt me and back me down.

Fortunately, I don’t have to worry about it anymore. Several years ago he cheated again by hooking up with a coworker and hid it in the name of “bringing her back into the Church”. Me and the older kids felt like something was very amiss and told him to send her to the deacon and his wife so they could teach her about the faith. Nope, ex wanted to have his cake and eat it too. In fact, he called me a terrible name and told me I was a “bad Christian” because I didn’t want to be “her friend”.

Needless to say, I had prayed to God and told Him that I tough my husband was being unfaithful again, and that He’ll reveal it in His Time. I promised God that I would handle the situation with grace, dignity and love. Which is what I did when I found out that there was an affair with the coworker. My ex wanted to be with her, so he left our family.

But I am grateful that I had the right to choose to separate. We have been divorced for a little over a year now and at least I have my sanity.

From what you and Clearwater say (and what I’ve heard from posters on Chump Lady), the lying and deception messes with the innocent spouse’s sense of reality and is highly traumatic all by itself. What’s real, what’s not real? Who knows?

Here’s a piece on gaslighting and cheating:

chumplady.com/2012/06/gaslighting-the-fine-art-of-making-you-believe-youre-crazy/

The evangelistic lie was particularly vile. Yuck!

 

[ToeInTheWater]

I think it’s a reasonable concern whether this person who is so weak and unable to resist temptation is going to be able to resist in future.

The less culpable they are, the more concern there is that they are simply incapable of fidelity going forward.

I recall a 1990s movie on TV that portrayed a man like that, supposedly sincerely trying to be faithful and just unable to resist temptation. He only comes to his senses when his wife leaves him for another man. So I guess per chevalier he’d actually be less culpable for adultery than the wife?

Regarding confessing adultery in general: I think there is a difference between merely not confessing an affair, and lying to your spouse’s face when confronted about it. So far, no one seems to have made this distinction, although some have made a distinction between past and ongoing affairs.

I also suspect that it is much harder to actually conceal an affair than even 50 years ago. All those men caught cheating using Ashley Madison, probably thought there would be no chance of their actions being found out. And even 50 years ago, I recall a whole George Burns bit about how he thought his wife was clueless about an affair he had when he was young, only to find out later on that she knew all along.

Those who support a "never ever tell’ position seem to have in mind a rather unrealistic scenario of a completely, blissfully clueless spouse and a marriage that is perfect except for one isolated one night stand, but that is still guaranteed to end in divorce if the spouse finds about the adultery. This kind of scenario strikes me as quite rare and formulated to be obviously weighted toward not telling.

Some people also seem to support the idea that if a spouse starts to suspect an affair, the guilty spouse should just deny, deny, deny, to the bitter end and explain away all evidence, because this somehow improves the chances of the marriage surviving. Even though we have testimony It seems all this kind of gaslighting does, is worsen the situation for the betrayed spouse. The cynical part of me makes me wonder if this is just a way for those guilty of adultery to shift the blame to the victim if the marriage fails. I imagine this kind of scenario:

Cheater: “My wife filed for divorce, I have no idea why? She even accused me of cheating on her, though I gave her no reason to think that!”

Therapist: “Well, did you cheat on her?”

Cheater: “Well, yeah, I did. But I went to confession, and God forgave me! The priest even told me I was under no obligation to tell my wife! So I didn’t, I’ve been a great husband to her ever since! I guess that crazy feminist friend of hers talked her into it. Hmm, maybe she’s having a lesbian affair with my wife! I know feminists are all man-hating lesbians, after all!”

 

[Xantippe]

. I also suspect that it is much harder to actually conceal an affair than even 50 years agoAll those men caught cheating using Ashley Madison, probably thought there would be no chance of their actions being found out.

[snip]

**Those who support a "never ever tell’ position seem to have in mind a rather unrealistic scenario of a completely, blissfully clueless spouse and a marriage that is perfect except for one isolated one night stand, but that is still guaranteed to end in divorce if the spouse finds about the adultery. This kind of scenario strikes me as quite rare and formulated to be obviously weighted toward not telling. **

I agree with the parts of your post above:

1. It’s very, very hard nowadays to hide cheating. On the one hand, never have there been so many opportunities to cheat–but on the other hand, it’s never been as easy to get caught. A lot of cheating behavior leaves a trail of evidence–texts, Facebook messages, condoms, STDs, unexplained recurring yeast infections in the innocent spouse, oddly timed pregnancies, strange ladies’ underpants turning up in the dryer, hotel receipts, meal receipts, plane tickets, unexplained gift purchases, credit card bills, Twitter DMs that accidentally wound up getting broadcast on public Twitter, emails that get sent to the wrong person, laptops left open accidentally, Ashley Madison, Craigslist, profiles on other dating sites, etc.

One also doesn’t actually need to catch anybody in flagrante to decide that a guy who spends a lot of time at strip clubs or massage parlors is up to no good.

1. I think that second paragraph is very fair. If this marriage was so ecstatically, blissfully happy, why the cheating? If the injured spouse worships the ground the cheater walks on, why would he or she immediately divorce them?

I’d also add that I’ve heard of many cases over the years where innocent spouses finally discover affairs for themselves and are furious at the friends who kept them in the dark.

 

[jane_doe]

I recall a 1990s movie on TV that portrayed a man like that, supposedly sincerely trying to be faithful and just unable to resist temptation. He only comes to his senses when his wife leaves him for another man. So I guess per chevalier he’d actually be less culpable for adultery than the wife?

Regarding confessing adultery in general: I think there is a difference between merely not confessing an affair, and lying to your spouse’s face when confronted about it. So far, no one seems to have made this distinction, although some have made a distinction between past and ongoing affairs.

I also suspect that it is much harder to actually conceal an affair than even 50 years ago. All those men caught cheating using Ashley Madison, probably thought there would be no chance of their actions being found out. And even 50 years ago, I recall a whole George Burns bit about how he thought his wife was clueless about an affair he had when he was young, only to find out later on that she knew all along.

Those who support a "never ever tell’ position seem to have in mind a rather unrealistic scenario of a completely, blissfully clueless spouse and a marriage that is perfect except for one isolated one night stand, but that is still guaranteed to end in divorce if the spouse finds about the adultery. This kind of scenario strikes me as quite rare and formulated to be obviously weighted toward not telling.

Some people also seem to support the idea that if a spouse starts to suspect an affair, the guilty spouse should just deny, deny, deny, to the bitter end and explain away all evidence, because this somehow improves the chances of the marriage surviving. Even though we have testimony It seems all this kind of gaslighting does, is worsen the situation for the betrayed spouse. The cynical part of me makes me wonder if this is just a way for those guilty of adultery to shift the blame to the victim if the marriage fails. I imagine this kind of scenario:

Cheater: “My wife filed for divorce, I have no idea why? She even accused me of cheating on her, though I gave her no reason to think that!”

Therapist: “Well, did you cheat on her?”

Cheater: “Well, yeah, I did. But I went to confession, and God forgave me! The priest even told me I was under no obligation to tell my wife! So I didn’t, I’ve been a great husband to her ever since! I guess that crazy feminist friend of hers talked her into it. Hmm, maybe she’s having a lesbian affair with my wife! I know feminists are all man-hating lesbians, after all!”

Amen to that!

 

[SGTTOM]

I think they are wrong.

If the spouse is cheating there are probably a ton serious relationship problems that need to be addressed. It needs to be tackled sooner or later.

I am a strong believer of honesty regardless of consequence, in most cases.

 

[Rau]

This is the typical response alright. The logic is fairly simple I would think. The cheating spouse is in confession and want’s to be forgiven. The priest knows that telling the other spouse would probably cause a lot more trouble in the marriage. It’s not lying to just go on and try to be a better spouse in the future. It does depend on the situation. If the cheater has conceived a child, for example, the priest would probably counsel to tell the spouse. Generally though, I think it’s fairly easy to understand this approach. What exactly would telling the spouse achieve?

That’s right. To remain silent is not to lie. If one communicates to the spouse, one must be truthful. If to communicate truthfully is anticipated to do more harm than good, then remain silent. It is always inappropriate (immoral) to pursue an act that one reasonably anticipates will do more harm than good.

Other aspects of the situation could change the judgement made - making the right choice to tell the spouse.

 

[SuperHappy]

From what you and Clearwater say (and what I’ve heard from posters on Chump Lady), the lying and deception messes with the innocent spouse’s sense of reality and is highly traumatic all by itself. What’s real, what’s not real? Who knows?

Here’s a piece on gaslighting and cheating:

chumplady.com/2012/06/gaslighting-the-fine-art-of-making-you-believe-youre-crazy/

The evangelistic lie was particularly vile. Yuck!

Once the innocent spouse finds out about the lies and the cheating, there is a tendency to question everything. That’s why I said earlier that cheating involves a series of deceptions. The cheater lies about their whereabouts and what they were doing. Later on if it comes up, the lie has to be perpetuated. And in a long term affair, there are multiple instances of lying and deceiving.

Being gaslighted has to be one of the most traumatic experiences that can happen to a person. It causes a person to lose all trust in everyone, including themselves. And for what? So a cheater can continue to lie and deceive?

I believe that cheating is always a deliberate choice and that the cheater should try to help the innocent spouse with complete honesty. Keeping a terrible secret like that (which will eventually come out) destroys the marriage possibly worse than the actual act of cheating.

 

[chevalier]

We have the absolute right to choose what is best for us as individuals. It is called free will.

You are absolutely wrong. Free will does not mean you are free to do whatever you please without going to hell for it. It only means you have a limited freedom of doing it without external obstruction, and that’s a difference.

If someone is harming us, then we have the right and responsibility to protect ourselves.

Within the limits of it but not beyond. For example just because a man you marry is difficult to put up with from the perspective of your absolute undisturbed personal comfort doesn’t mean you suddenly how some magic liberal/individualist responsibility to divorce him. On the contrary, you most likely still have a Catholic responsibility to continue to put up with him and pray.

If I had known I was with a cheater, I would have abstained and it would have been my God given, free will right to do so. I absolutely should have made the truth be a requirement for re-entry into the marital bed when I learned that he was unfaithful 2+ years after the fact. A polygraph would have been a good place to start and if he refused, adios amigo.

Honesty is an obligation for your spouse, but thatt doesn’t go as far as giving you the right to require polygraph.

Needless to say, I had prayed to God and told Him that I tough my husband was being unfaithful again, and that He’ll reveal it in His Time. I promised God that I would handle the situation with grace, dignity and love. Which is what I did when I found out that there was an affair with the coworker. My ex wanted to be with her, so he left our family.

I’m sorry that happened to you, but again, the right to separate can be exercised if one’s sure of the infidelity. Doesn’t extent to having the other spouse prove his or her innocence.

This is difficult but ‘what God joined together let not man put asunder’ does apply also to people who are not happy in their marriages and are to some extent abused. In fact, the sole absolute right to separation which exists for people who have been cheated does not extent to seeking some sort of healing from civil divorce. That goes straight against what it says in Canon 1384 of the Catechism: ‘Divorce does injury to the covenant of salvation, of which sacramental marriage is the sign.’ Divorce, not just remarriage. And: ‘Contracting a new union, even if it is recognized by civil law, adds to the gravity of the rupture: the remarried spouse is then in a situation of public and permanent adultery.’ So contracting a new union only adds to the rupture, but the rupture exists before. Seeking comfort in being pronounced no longer married but single again by a civil judge, that already is wrong.