Problem with wife talking to another man

[Liberanosamalo]

some women and men have to talk to the other sex when it comes to a job. or a doctor, or lawyer or whatever. so long as it is not flirtation, and she remains loyal to you and the vows you took before God then there is nothing wrong with her speaking to another man. so long as she does not over step her boundaries with this man, and they remain friends and that is all, then why would it be wrong for her to be friends with him?

I think this situation has gone far beyond that. I have dear male friends from college. But you better believe when I was married, I wasn’t on the phone with them EVERY FREAKIN’ DAY! And they weren’t sending me emails or texts as soon as I was awake. And I didn’t ask to go visit them ALONE. One of my pals died of cancer. I did call him every few days as he was in the hospital alone and dying. And I was single. But that doesn’t apply in this situation.

She has already stepped over her marital boundaries on this one. Her husband should be her best friend. Even now as a single woman, I am friends with my college pal (AND HIS WIFE), and when I email him, I address her in the email, and it’s jokes or catching up. But only every few weeks. Or every few months. I would never dream of starting to talk to him on the phone every day. That would be disrespectful of his wife, who is adorable, and I like her too.

That his wife sees his pain and doesn’t care tells me she has no business being involved in the marriage encounter program. Her attitude will color the way she guides others. It isn’t Christian.

 

[KCtheMommy]

As a woman who has been married for 10+ years I can see what your wife is doing. I am not saying I have acted the exact same way. Certainly have NOT attached myself to another man and talked all day via long distance/text/email what have you, but I have reached out for other’s when my husband has become reclusive or ignored me for a long period. Usually other women or friends, sometimes family. Either way you do it, you still put a spike in the center of the marriage.

Only your wife seems to be doing this out of a romantic idea of how things should/could be. It’s probably the reason she asked if she could visit him. She want’s to see if the grass is really greener 1000 miles away. And we women can be really STUPID, because we create situations where we are slightly unhappy, blow them up into world war III, make a sudden and drastic change, destroy everyone’s life, then when it all falls apart, we want everything back the way it was. Actually I know men who have done this too…OK but the point is this…you can change this.

So I ask YOU:
*How often do you come home from work and put your arms around your wife, thank her for beign a wonderful mom and wife, kiss her and tell her that you love her?

*When you come home, do you go to your room and require “alone time” to change or relax, leaving her to still deal ALONE with the kids and the household?

*When you are home do you do simple things like unlaod the dishwasher, help with dinner, help with discipline or laundry to give her a break?

*Have you considered calling a salon or spa on the weekends, dropping her off for an hour of pampering, like a pedicure or a massage while you take the kids to the park?

*When is the last time you bought her flowers?

*Do you open doors for her? Hold her hand in public? Hug and kiss her while out and about? Say things aloud - to others - about how much you love and appreciate your wife – in front of her?

*Do you sometimes call a sitter so that you can have a date night alone with your wife, and YOU make all the arrangements?

All these things take maybe 5 minutes to an hour, but can seriously, I mean SERIOUSLY change how your marriage is going. I knwo you said things were rough recently, and it’s very hard to be kind when you are PO’d, but it’s worth it. I bet if you do every single one of these things in the next week the phone calls will slow – if not stop – to the other guy. But the trick is:

YOU HAVE TO KEEP IT UP!

(Women get really annoyed when their husband’s only do nice thing’s for a short time to get their way, and trust me: we NOTICE.)

 

[dulcissima]

Yes, I have told her how I feel about it. That’s what makes it even worse. She doesn’t seem to care about the effect on me. She says that is my problem to deal with.

Ouch. That must really hurt. I am so sorry.

I’ve heard it said that men turn to affairs looking for sex, and women turn to affairs looking for intimacy. Hopefully counseling and retrouvaille can help the two of you.

Is this other guy married? Does he know she is expecting?

 

[TOP]

This is my weak spot. I would rather die then to let my family be broken up. You have to put a stop to this , patiently, non abusively, maybe over dinner at a hunan restaurant. They are private , dark and usually have booths. You have to talk about this with her. I thought I was going to have to pay some guy a visit my wife worked with for one phone call. It turned out to be a mentally challenged kid who was grateful my wife signed a card for his birthday. Good thing i didn’t raise a stink over it (too much).But him calling my house on a saturday was beyond professional for the role of his job. He just didn’t understand that. And her not returning the call was what transpired. My wife is beautiful and we have been together 19 years. We have had our ups and downs, but I have to be able to trust her judgement. This situation does’nt apply to some marriages. Some people like a type of independence. You are going to have to find that line to make it work. Tim

 

[Liberanosamalo]

KC, I’m presuming since the OP does marriage encounters and seems to be a prayerful man, that he is evolved enough that your very helpful suggestions wouldn’t apply.

But even so, it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t do these things! Imagine what you would say if HE was calling some high school flame and talking all the time because his wife: didn’t have dinner on the table when he got home, didn’t make herself attractive for him every day, with hair and makeup perfect, complained when he walked in the door after work that the dishwasher was broken, and neglected to drive him to the golf course every Saturday and drop him off for pampering while she watched the kids, and didn’t praise him up one side and down the other when they were out in public?
Would you blame his wife for him finding a woman who made him feel “special?”

I mean, after 11 years and two children, almost three, she should have the idea that it’s not all about her whims anymore. She can’t see she is lucky that she has a man who loves her and wants to make the marriage work. (When my husband was leaving, he was trying to give me NAMES of guys he thought would be appropriate boyfriends for me from his work!) Some women don’t know when they have it good.

 

[PaulinVA]

Let’s be serious. If the wife and this other guy lived in the same town they would be “dating.”

Or, would they? Is the distance allowing for some “safe” flirting in the wife’s eyes? Does she really have any intentions to stray?

No one can answer these questions but the wife.

Give me a break - innocent flirting? Old High School friend? She needs to cut that out!

 

[cecilia97]

Travis, this kind of thing ended my marriage. Speak up now. Be loving but make your feelings clear. Don’t wait. You two need to be communicating to each other, not third parties.

And Kage is right…if you’re invited into the friendship it totally different. Maybe express interest in visiting the friend together.

 

[KCtheMommy]

KC, I’m presuming since the OP does marriage encounters and seems to be a prayerful man, that he is evolved enough that your very helpful suggestions wouldn’t apply.

But even so, it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t do these things! Imagine what you would say if HE was calling some high school flame and talking all the time because his wife: didn’t have dinner on the table when he got home, didn’t make herself attractive for him every day, with hair and makeup perfect, complained when he walked in the door after work that the dishwasher was broken, and neglected to drive him to the golf course every Saturday and drop him off for pampering while she watched the kids, and didn’t praise him up one side and down the other when they were out in public?
Would you blame his wife for him finding a woman who made him feel “special?”

**I mean, after 11 years and two children, almost three, she should have the idea that it’s not all about her whims anymore. She can’t see she is lucky that she has a man who loves her and wants to make the marriage work. ** (When my husband was leaving, he was trying to give me NAMES of guys he thought would be appropriate boyfriends for me from his work!) Some women don’t know when they have it good.

No – I totally agree with you and with Travis: what she is doing is completely WRONG.

Just because he is going to marriage retreats and even leading them doesn’t mean he’s actually practicing what he preaches. Does it? No offense Travis, please understand, my thoughts were just those to try and help you fix your situation and get your wife back into your court right NOW. I am not insulting you or assuming you are doing or NOT doing kind things for her. I am just trying to get things going back your way with my suggestions.

And that last paragragh is kinda silly. Why wouldn’t she do kind things for him if he’s doing kind things for her? No seriously…answer me that: IF your spouse is kind and puts you first you typically do the same thing. If she was being a hideous beast to him then I would understand him looking for comfort elsewhere. It’s the human condition.

I am NOT blaiming, and certainly not judging Travis. I am just trying to be helpful.

Goodnight, I make a suggestion for kindness to happen, for some sincere attempts at making things better and I am attacked. Interesting. I suppose I would have got along better in this thread if I told Travis she was wrong (I think so, I agree), but you all already covered that.

So that’s settled, his wife is out of line. We all agree right? Now can we get back to trying to help him make this better?

If it’s any consolation my first thought was that Travis should call the fella up himself and tell him to back of his wife. However, if this guy is making a play for his wife then that’ll only add fuel to his fire. BUT then again, it may make the wife appreciate Travis even more for fighting for her. Either way, ignoring the problem is not goiong to work. I think we can all agree on that fact.

I don’t know Travis, it’s up to you how to handle it.

And Liberanos, the bolded-out part of your post really hit me. How long were you married (sounds like it’s a GOOD THING your husband did leave, blessing! That is a class-A jerk.)? No really - I want to know. I am coming up on 11 years of marriage, I have three children and a fourth on the way. I wonder at what point in my marriage, according to your theory that I ceased being a human being who needs to be loved and appreciated and should be just “grateful” for what I have?

I wonder if I told my husband there will be no more thanks and appreciation for all the hard work and sacrifices he makes to support this family, even putting his life on the line as a military man, because we have been married over ten years and he should be just grateful I am here and still want to be married?

I don’t have a perfect marriage, but I have something close to it. I drop the ball sometimes, he drops the ball sometimes, we forget to put each other first, we’re selfish, we get tired, fed-up, burned-out, and even get sick. We demand too much. We ask too much. We don’t give enough. Eventually we look at each other, put our arms around each other, say we love each other and then proceed to random acts of kindness and placing the other first. As previously stated it’s hard to do when one is mad,
but the rewards are so rich…

OK over and out, Travis please update us with what happens. I’ll say a prayer.

 

[Travis88]

KC, I’m presuming since the OP does marriage encounters and seems to be a prayerful man, that he is evolved enough that your very helpful suggestions wouldn’t apply.

But even so, it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t do these things! Imagine what you would say if HE was calling some high school flame and talking all the time because his wife: didn’t have dinner on the table when he got home, didn’t make herself attractive for him every day, with hair and makeup perfect, complained when he walked in the door after work that the dishwasher was broken, and neglected to drive him to the golf course every Saturday and drop him off for pampering while she watched the kids, and didn’t praise him up one side and down the other when they were out in public?
Would you blame his wife for him finding a woman who made him feel “special?”

I mean, after 11 years and two children, almost three, she should have the idea that it’s not all about her whims anymore. She can’t see she is lucky that she has a man who loves her and wants to make the marriage work. (When my husband was leaving, he was trying to give me NAMES of guys he thought would be appropriate boyfriends for me from his work!) Some women don’t know when they have it good.

EXACTLY!!! The thing is, I do just about all of those things KC suggested and more. I am an attorney and work hard (but not long hours). I come home, help with dinner, feed the kids, bathe the kids, get the kids ready for bed and thank her for being a good mom for staying at home with them. any time she asks for a break to go do her hobbies, I say yes. I am very affectionate in public and private. I rave about my wife to others. My wife has even told me that any woman would scoop me up in a heartbeat if she left me. Her friends all tell her she has it so good, etc. That makes this hurt even more.

Thanks for all the suggestions. I think I will bring this to a head soon but very gently. She is going through alot of growing right now because she was never raised as a child. I would like her to come to the right conclusion on her own because I think it would stick for her better in the future. However, this is a dangerous situation and I cannot let it go much further.

Thanks again!

 

[KCtheMommy]

Travis, sit down and ask her what the heck is missing. What she gets from this guy that you don’t seem to provide.

IF it’s as simple as “excitement” or “flirtation” you have a problem – and she’s acting like an immature twit. Put your foot down. Meanwhile, do your own flirting WITH HER…send her silly text msg’s, leave her little love notes. Send her funny emails.

This is war!!! You must win!!! LOL

I’ll say a prayer for you!

 

[Travis88]

Travis, sit down and ask her what the heck is missing. What she gets from this guy that you don’t seem to provide.

IF it’s as simple as “excitement” or “flirtation” you have a problem – and she’s acting like an immature twit. Put your foot down. Meanwhile, do your own flirting WITH HER…send her silly text msg’s, leave her little love notes. Send her funny emails.

This is war!!! You must win!!! LOL

I’ll say a prayer for you!

KC, I think it is the excitement that is missing. I think real life has really taken a toll on her. This summer she had the kids at home all day and I think it got to her. She gets her fix of excitement with him in fantasyland. I have been doing nicer things for her lately (above and beyond my norm) so hopefully that will help. And I do plan on winning this war.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

And that last paragragh is kinda silly. Why wouldn’t she do kind things for him if he’s doing kind things for her? No seriously…answer me that: IF your spouse is kind and puts you first you typically do the same thing. If she was being a hideous beast to him then I would understand him looking for comfort elsewhere. It’s the human condition.

Zowies! I didn’t mean to start WWIII. But it is NOT a given that if you put your spouse first they will do the same. I found that out the hard way.

Goodnight, I make a suggestion for kindness to happen, for some sincere attempts at making things better and I am attacked. Interesting. I suppose I would have got along better in this thread if I told Travis she was wrong (I think so, I agree), but you all already covered that.

Nowhere in my answer did I attack you. I even said your suggestions were helpful, but not in his case. Sorry if you felt attacked.

If it’s any consolation my first thought was that Travis should call the fella up himself and tell him to back of his wife. However, if this guy is making a play for his wife then that’ll only add fuel to his fire. BUT then again, it may make the wife appreciate Travis even more for fighting for her. Either way, ignoring the problem is not goiong to work. I think we can all agree on that fact.

I agree completely.

And Liberanos, the bolded-out part of your post really hit me. How long were you married (sounds like it’s a GOOD THING your husband did leave, blessing! That is a class-A jerk.)? No really - I want to know. I am coming up on 11 years of marriage, I have three children and a fourth on the way. I wonder at what point in my marriage, according to your theory that I ceased being a human being who needs to be loved and appreciated and should be just “grateful” for what I have?

Congratulations on your upcoming baby. I wanted a fourth more than words could say. But xh left. I was married on paper for 11 years. But he moved out after ten and dragged out the civil divorce. But we only lived together for nine years if you take into account the year he left me with three babies because he wanted to be a bachelor again. At no point in your marriage should you cease being a human being who needs to be loved!

And that is why Travis’s wife makes me mad. I was abused and neglected and abandoned, and I still didn’t develop phone pals like that. I tended to my childrens’ needs, which since I was an adult, their needs took precedence over my desires. Travis’s wife is behaving as if her actions don’t affect her husband and three children. It isn’t about HER anymore. It’s about a whole family.

I wonder if I told my husband there will be no more thanks and appreciation for all the hard work and sacrifices he makes to support this family, even putting his life on the line as a military man, because we have been married over ten years and he should be just grateful I am here and still want to be married?

No one said that at all. But if Travis’s wife somehow demands constant flattery and praise in order to keep fulfilling her vows, she has problems. That doesn’t mean withhold all love, affection and praise completely.

My comments were about a woman who can’t see how lucky she is, made by someone whose xh couldn’t wait to run out the door from the fourth year into the marriage. And he has yet to find a girlfriend who will put up with him for half as long as I did. I really wasn’t the problem, and I couldn’t do more for him. Some people just AREN’T grateful ever. And they don’t care who they hurt.

But I am not attacking you. Unless you are maintaining a close emotional attachment to a man you aren’t married to while your husband begs and pleads for you to work with him to stabilize your marriage. If that is you, stand in line for a cybersmack!

 

[Mjae]

Your wife is way out of line. It seems she thinks she is missing out on something, and she is looking outside the marriage for it- which is wrong, from the starting point. She will have to make up her mind whether that ‘certain something’ she is looking for is worth more than what she has now.
My ex also had many, many friends he put ahead of his family, before he went looking for fulfillment via a trophy wife, a new house, new cars, overseas vacations, etc…

I got the kids - by far, the better end of the deal, in my view. She needs to choose. It’s not fair to you or your children to be left hanging while she tries to have it both ways.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I think real life has really taken a toll on her. This summer she had the kids at home all day and I think it got to her. She gets her fix of excitement with him in fantasyland.

Again, boohoo! I don’t feel sorry for her at all. Every SAHM gets stressed out. The fact is, HS BF didn’t love her and propose to her and build a life with her when he had the chance. She can’t handle the real world so she goes to her Disneyland over the phone?

That is why affairs never turn out good. They are completely separate from real life. And by the time the participants realize what they’ve done, it’s like the song:

“Whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when the new wears off and the old shines through. It ain’t really love and it ain’t really lust. You ain’t anybody anybody’s gonna trust.”

They’ve done irreparable damage and hurt people, mostly little kids.

Now, Travis, you say your wife wasn’t raised. Interesting. I’m sure there is a story there. But it sounds like she grew up without any normal reference points of what real family life is like. It’s not all roses and candlelight. It’s hard work.

Sounds like she could benefit from some serious counselling. I wonder how she’d like it if your kids followed her example down the road.

Good luck. I’m just writing from the perspective of someone who was on the receiving end of such childish behavior myself. And it hurt many many people, and is still affecting my children 9 years after the divorce.

So many people have emotional affairs that are worse than physical ones. But they pretend that because they aren’t doing anything physical that there is no sin involved. Your wife is in emotional infidelity territory. She needs to go to confession and break off all contact. Now.

 

[Mjae]

Just wanted to add, it’s not ABOUT fulfillment, it’s about being faithful to those you made a commitment to. Love is an action, not a feeling. If I had the same attitude as my ex had, my children would very probably not be the good, decent people they are today.

 

[ltbpoe43]

If I may offer another perspective, perhaps its the high school friend who is showing her attention and she enjoys it for whatever reason.

As you mention you are willing to fight for her love, as well you should, get in touch with this guy immediately and tell him under no uncertain terms that he is endangering your relationship with your wife and the mother of your children.

If that is not his intent, then ask him to do the honorable thing and move on for all of your sakes.

If it is his intent, wow - then at least you know you have to step up the war efforts and what kind of fight you are in.

Praying its not the latter. Good luck and God Bless your marriage.

 

[Travis88]

If I may offer another perspective, perhaps its the high school friend who is showing her attention and she enjoys it for whatever reason.

As you mention you are willing to fight for her love, as well you should, get in touch with this guy immediately and tell him under no uncertain terms that he is endangering your relationship with your wife and the mother of your children.

If that is not his intent, then ask him to do the honorable thing and move on for all of your sakes.

If it is his intent, wow - then at least you know you have to step up the war efforts and what kind of fight you are in.

Praying its not the latter. Good luck and God Bless your marriage.

That is actually one of my plans. I want to talk it over with her first and make sure she understands how I feel. He will be getting a call from me soon. Right now, I’m not real to him. He is divorced so I’m sure he’s familiar with this type of pain.

Thanks for the thoughts. Its nice to get that from a fellow Baton Rougean!! Actually, I’m a N.O. transplant (pre-K).

 

[bilop]

I’ll say a prayer for you.

I’d tell my wife that if she went to visit him, don’t bother coming back.

She has to end this now, and you have to be firm. Adultery is not negotiable, neither is preparing for Adultery. She needs to know that if she chooses him, there’s no going back.

God Bless

 

[Travis88]

Here’s an update. This morning my wife got up at 5:50. she NEVER does this. So i get up too and we talk about stuff for about an hour. I go running at 6:45 and come back at 7:15. Lo and behold she talking online with this guy at 7:15 in the freaking morning. I go iron a shirt and she comes and asks whats wrong. I tell her and its the same song and dance, “I’m not going to try to beat it into your brain that we’re just friends.”

I think what bugs me most is she totally does not care about me in this situation. I mean, heaven forbid I am being so unreasonable as to ask her to stop talking to another man. But, she does not care and continues to do it. The funny thing is I came home last night after going out with some friends and she was upset because I forgot to call her to let her know when I would be home. I acknowledged my screw up and apologized profusely. She told me it felt like I didn’t care about her because I didn’t call and she was rightfully hurt. Hmmmm, now the shoe is on the other foot but the fact that she does not care about me is ok I suppose.

I am sooooooooo mad!!!

 

[MCH]

“I’m not going to try to beat it into your brain that we’re just friends.”

I wonder if she’s trying to convince you or herself that they’re just friends,because I really don’t believe that they are “just friends”.Maybe the original intention was “just friends”,but as I have “been there and done that”, I’m sorry to tell you that she is getting more and more emotionally involved.Would giving her an ultimatum help?