Problem with wife talking to another man

[terri_fortner]

So much to say let me see if I can get it all in here.

Not to be mean or cruel, have any of you lived in Louisiana? It sucks, or at least the area I lived in for a few years, Fort Polk. When I lived there the internet was my best friend, but I spent more time on eBay than anything else.

My first thought was make up some story about being temped by internet porn and cancel the internet (obviously you are Christians, didn’t look to see though) because you need to “cut out” the thing that leads you to sin. That way it isn’t about her sin it is about your sin, but that is wrong I know, but my mind just went there. Please don’t do this.

STOP TALKING OT US, AND START TALKING TO YOUR WIFE! If she says that they are just friends then casually ask her at dinner, “Did you talk to ‘bob’ today? How’s he doing? WHat did ya’ll talk about? Is he seeing anyone yet, after his divorce?” Just normal conversation you would ask about any man, or woman who is such a big part of your wife’s life. Talk to the dude. He has been married, don’t be all mushy like you are on here, don’t let him know how much control over your marriage he has, but feel him out.

Something like, “You and Jane have been catching up from school, that’s cool. Maybe I should try to reconnect with some of my old buddies from school. What has life been like for you since you moved away. I heard you got a divorce, I’m a lawyer so I see how that can get really messy. Jane and I councel marriages if you ever want to talk to a man about things going on with you post-divorce I would love to be there for you.” Something like that. Kill him with kindness.

STOP COUNCELING OTHERS! I would be stark raving mad if I found out someone trying to teach me and my new husband about marriage was having such problems.

She is not the head you are, make her know it. Make her live it, but most importantly ACT like it! You keep saying things like I think that is way or I am going to, but then what, she is on the computer and couldn’t even iron your shirt for you while you were out running? I ironed my xh uniform every day when I was still married ot him. And if my dh wasn’t in Afghanistan right now then I would iron his too. Difference is DH doesn’t hink I should have to, xh made me. (I didn’t know my dh but 6 weeks before we got married and he shipped out 2 weeks after that, xh and I seperated in 2004, so no I didn’t leave one for the other).

Read the power of a praying husband if you haven’t already, and if you have reread it. You can’t change her, but oyu can change you. Don’t let her walk on you like that. Sometimes the things we don’t want are the things that need to happen. My first two kids haven’t lived with me for the past year, trust me when I say if that were to happen to your wife, she would stop having those resentment feelings towards your children.

Maybe she could find a new hobby, I am on here all the time, a little too much actually. But DH is on the other side of the world, and this it the only way we talk. I archieve all our conversations b/c I like ot reread them later…

If she doesn’t want you knowuing what the two of them are talking about then that should tell you something is up.

Okay I think I covered them all. Sorry if I came off a little abrasive, but I am pregnant, and oh lets face it, I am just an abrasive person. Be strong, and know that it is a sin to even think lustfully about another who is not your spouse.

 

[KCT]

we don’t have a land line so when the cell phone bill comes in I will be able to see every call to and from him and every text message to and from him. That will probably give me some ammo too.

Ammo is what you use against your enemy. My husband once used that line (“Finding ammo to use against me”), and it really hurt.

What you say your wife is doing is wrong, but please don’t treat her as your enemy. You won’t repair damage that way. —KCT

 

[Julianna]

Travis…I totally agree with the posters who say “get to know this guy”. Words of wisdom…“keep your friends close…your enemies closer”. Is this guy divorced? (sorry just glanced through). I also like the idea of “meeting him”. No way would I be comfortable with her going to see him alone.

Loved the poster who talked about the socks on the floor and towels on the chair. Everyone has baggage. Your wife doesn’t see that yet.

As far as the ammo comment…she is your wife not your teen-age son growing pot in the garage. Tell her you want to talk to him…email him…whatever. When you do…tell him that though she wants to go see him alone…that will not work. If she comes to see you…I will be with her…and we can all go out to dinner or something…bring a date…bring your wife…whatever. Your presence speaks volumes. If your wife doesn’t like the idea…my bet is on the emotional affair. I would find a way to talk to this guy and give him the low-down…because you don’t really know what she is telling him.

Take care…

 

[catechumen08]

1. Do you think it is wrong for her to be talking to another man like this (every day) even if it is totally innocent?

From what you’ve described, I do not think it’s completely innocent. It may be her little escape, but things will likely get out of hand if they ever end up actually meeting.

1. How do you suggest I broach the subject without creating WWIII again?

No, I wouldn’t recommend bringing it up again. Tell her that it’s her decision, and leave it at that. If she wants to do something, there’s not much you can do to stop her, because she’s her own person, and she will make whatever decision she wants. At this point, just be a really good husband, and show her what she would be missing if she decided to choose the other route.

If she’s happy here, she wouldn’t be seeking that elsewhere, because she wouldn’t need to. One thing I would recommend is take her out to a nice romantic dinner - maybe where you two first met - and have a heart-to-heart talk with her. Remind her of the good things and tell her that you really want to make it work.

Basically, you want her to want to stay and be with you. The fact of the matter is, you have so much advantage over the other guy. Why? Because you’re here!!! And the other guy’s 1000 miles away. So unless you mess up big time, you should be fine.

I hope this helps!

 

[whatevergirl]

I am seriously stressed about this situation and would appreciate any advice. My wife and I have been going through a rough patch (really rough actually) in the last month or so. Things are starting to get better but I still have one big issue. During this time she has been talking to a guy friend from high school (started talking to him 4 days before she told me she wasn’t happy and may want to leave). A couple times she told me she wanted to go see him (he lives 1000 miles away) and I said absolutely not. But, she continues to talk to him daily and has admitted to “harmless flirting”, which I suspect was worse than she admits. I told her it was inappropriate and disrespectful to me for her to be talking to another man like that regardless of how innocent it is. She insists they are just friends. While that may be the case, I really believe she has or has had some romantic feelings for him. The problem is things have been better for us the last week or so but I just sense that there is still a part of her hanging on to him and until she lets that go she will not come back to me 100%. I want to confront her about it but last time I did we had a huge fight and I don’t want to rock the boat right now since things are getting better. So…

1. Do you think it is wrong for her to be talking to another man like this (every day) even if it is totally innocent? Confiding in someone (male) other than you, is not necessarily sinful…but what people need to realize about adultery is that it has a starting point. Two people just don’t hop into bed the second they meet one another (well some do lol) But, for the large majority…usually these things start slowly…emotionally…I don’t blame you for putting your foot down, but if your wife loves you…and wants the marriage to work…she will stop…on her own. I pray that she will.
2. How do you suggest I broach the subject without creating WWIII again?
   I would ask her…are you still speaking to (whatever his name is)? If she says…‘why are you bringing this up…why don’t you trust me…bla bla…’ I would ask it again, until she answers with a yes or no. If it’s yes, then I would say…why? Why are you talking to him so often? Do you want our marriage to work? I would prefer if you didn’t speak with him, as it isn’t going to help our marriage. That’s a fact. Can’t be married, and confiding in other people of the opposite sex. Flirting with someone back from highschool…it’s just not wise for a married man/woman to do this. Hope my advice helps…and I’ll pray for you both! These are probably simple questions but my mind is a mess right now from all of this so any help is appreciated. Thanks.

 

[johntkd]

Basically, you want her to want to stay and be with you. The fact of the matter is, you have so much advantage over the other guy. Why? Because you’re here!!! And the other guy’s 1000 miles away. So unless you mess up big time, you should be fine.

I hope this helps!

I disagree he would be fine unless he messes up big time, 1000 miles is not far at all, she has already expressed an interest in going by herself to see this guy, why dont she want the whole family going? she says nothing is gonna happen, so assume the exact opposite or it wouldnt have even been mentioned,
also relize she isnt the only one that can travel 1000 miles.
I was driving 150 one way to work for quite a while, you think 1000 is a chore?
I have read many of the posts and I agree with many and disagree with many as well,
esspecially knowing others that have been in this exact situation and knowing the outcomes of so many of those as well.
one thing I will give your wife she told you about it, dont seem to try to hide to much, But she has also already told you that you need to deal with it.
that tells me a possibility for a few things

1. she dont care about how you feel,she has already made up her mind,just waiting on proper timing to pursue this further.
2. She is trying to make you jealous and to change you into someone she wants more

3)she maybe is going thru a midlife type crisis where she needs to feel attractive,wanted,etc… lets face it there is a thrill in the unknown with these types of situations,the “grass seems greener” but once pursued reality will strike

1. there is also the slight possibility she sees nothing wrong with her actions and totally believes it to still be just innocent

sorry to seem so negative but I do know several people that have been in this exact situation, and unfortunatly they all pursued further until nonrepairable damage resulted, one of them was a very close friend even…None of them ended happily,

I will pray your situation does not follow the path I have seen taken so far and ends happily…

Best wishes and prayers

 

[sandraladeda]

Travis 88-

In my opinion, she has been awful to you. There is no good reason for her to keep up this friendship with this man, not if it is hurtful or stressful to you. Yes, she claims it’s just friendship, as though that somehow makes it okay for her to do something against your wishes. I have many male friends, and I know they are innocent relationships. However, if my husband told me he was uncomfortable with any of these friendships, there is no question, I would end the friendship. No guy buddy is worth damaging my marriage or hurting my spouse.

Personally, in my opinion, it is not that innocent. At the very least, she is engaged in an “emotional affair”, and that is wrong.

I would sit down with her and say something like this: 'Honey, we have discussed this situation a number of times. You reassure me that it is only friendship. While that is the case, it does not take away from my discomfort with that relationship, rightly or wrongly. I am asking you now, as your husband, to put an end to that friendship. I feel it is hurtful to me and added stress to our marriage. I love you and want to have a strong marriage, and I feel this is a neccesary step for you to take. If you would like to discuss this in the presence of a counsellor, by all means, I will be very happy to attend marriage counselling. I am committed to the long term success and happiness of our marriage".

Alternatively, you could write her a letter to that effect. If you ask her, once and for all, to end the “friendship”, for the sake of your marriage, and she refuses to do so, this would be very telling. For now, she is, in effect, choosing him over you. Not right.

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

Travis,

How have things been going for you?

I pray that they continue to get better.

Keep us updated!

 

[LostWithoutHer2]

I feel for you. I wish I knew what to say. I found out 2 months ago that my wife was seeing someone else behind my back. Actuall, it wasn’t actually behind my back, it was right under my nose, and I refused to believe my gut feelings. There were so many things I wanted to do and say, and I didn’t do them, because she told me to trust her. I look back now, and think how stupid I was to miss all the signs. What a dupe I was.

Right now, we’re working on us. She’s stopped seeing him socially, and emailing and calling him. However, she does still work with him, and sees him at work about once a week for 3 hours (it’s in a busy grocery store and they work in different departments, so it’s not like they have time to spend together). Still, though, she won’t let me in. She won’t tell me what’s going on inside her head and her heart. Every time I ask, she changes the subject or cracks a joke. She’s always had a strong defensive response to everything, not just this. This is how we both were for a long time. It might have been part of what led to our problems. We both just buried things when we were angry or frustrated. Just trying to keep the peace. I think we missed out on a ton of communication. And, of course, I’ve never been great at communication of any sort.

I’m still hurting, and sad, when I think about what happened. I know I can’t change it, and I don’t let it affect the way I feel about her. I just wish she would open up and let me in, to let me know how she’s doing. I’ve told her a million times, that I ask her the questions about how work went, because I don’t want to see her hurt.

Anyone with advice out there? Am I expecting too much too soon? She says she doesn’t want to go talk to anyone (ie counselor) right now.

I love her so much, and I know that she loves me. I don’t know how we ended up where we did 2 months ago, and I know it won’t be overnight that we get our “us” back. I have to be patient, I know. (I hate this not trusting her, though. It makes me sick to my stomach.)

 

[Mirror_Mirror]

I feel for you. I wish I knew what to say. I found out 2 months ago that my wife was seeing someone else behind my back. Actuall, it wasn’t actually behind my back, it was right under my nose, and I refused to believe my gut feelings. There were so many things I wanted to do and say, and I didn’t do them, because she told me to trust her. I look back now, and think how stupid I was to miss all the signs. What a dupe I was.

Right now, we’re working on us. She’s stopped seeing him socially, and emailing and calling him. However, she does still work with him, and sees him at work about once a week for 3 hours (it’s in a busy grocery store and they work in different departments, so it’s not like they have time to spend together). Still, though, she won’t let me in. She won’t tell me what’s going on inside her head and her heart. Every time I ask, she changes the subject or cracks a joke. She’s always had a strong defensive response to everything, not just this. This is how we both were for a long time. It might have been part of what led to our problems. We both just buried things when we were angry or frustrated. Just trying to keep the peace. I think we missed out on a ton of communication. And, of course, I’ve never been great at communication of any sort.

I’m still hurting, and sad, when I think about what happened. I know I can’t change it, and I don’t let it affect the way I feel about her. I just wish she would open up and let me in, to let me know how she’s doing. I’ve told her a million times, that I ask her the questions about how work went, because I don’t want to see her hurt.

Anyone with advice out there? Am I expecting too much too soon? She says she doesn’t want to go talk to anyone (ie counselor) right now.

I love her so much, and I know that she loves me. I don’t know how we ended up where we did 2 months ago, and I know it won’t be overnight that we get our “us” back. I have to be patient, I know. (I hate this not trusting her, though. It makes me sick to my stomach.)

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. I think that you do need to give it time and not expect things to happen over night. Have you talked about going to a marriage encouter weekend or even going to retrouvaille.org/ and seeing if that will help out.

Have you talked with your parish priest?