Problems between my parents and my fiancé

[Irishmom2]

Just to clarify a few things…

When I meant “private time”, I didn’t mean for sex, I just meant to watch a movie or play video games together or whatever else… It’s important that we do things as a couple, I think it brings us closer, without having parents (or even friends) getting in the way and being around ALL THE TIME. Excuse me, but you are living in their house…I’m 30 years old… I need some space.Then get a job and move out. Yes, you are 30 years old. You want to play house in your parents house and yet you want the benefits of having them support you while your fiance is a most ungracious house guest.You can’t have it both ways. Grow up, move out and get on with your life or live “by the rules” You are old enough to know that what you are doing is not fair or respectful to your parents. You are old enough to know that your parents are not goin to change for you. Either get married on your own, or don’t. I can understand your parents concern that you are living this way. I didn’t care if they were still in the house, I just didn’t want to be in the same room. After being forced to be so incredibly independent while living overseas,Then why don’t you become incredibly independent now? it was really hard to have people around me all the time. My parents would get angry if we didn’t want to watch TV with them all the time (because we didn’t like the shows) or go shopping or do whatever else with them as a family. We saw them constantly and did a lot of things together, but we needed time away from them too! Thing is, we had nowhere to go. If you can move back to Europe, you can move out of the house. You want the privacy that being married in your own house would bring, but that is not what your parents have to give you. You are being unreasonable and immature.It’s hard living away from your parents for years, and then moving back into their house and drastically altering your life.Do you not think you are having any affect on their life by the way?

And we’ve been together nine years because we started dating just as I was entering university (where I was for five years), and then we started to save our money and got engaged a year and a half ago. So there aren’t really any commitment issues here, just bad timing and trying to plan for our future. I’m okay with the length of time, that doesn’t bother me. I wasn’t ready to get married before - I wanted to establish myself independently first. I never had a chance to before then. And I wanted to make sure that he was the person I wanted to be with, which I now am certain that he is. Too many people rush into marriage. I don’t know many people who regretted waiting so long before getting married, but I know plenty of people who wished they HAD waited longer. Many of my friends are divorced and they’re my age.

We respected the “their house, their rules” idea, that’s fine. That was never a problem. But my mother is the type of person who gets angry at the smallest thing… then it’s not a rule… unless the rule is “my way or the highway”. And that is her right in her home.She gets angry when we don’t have the lights on bright enough, or if we don’t clear our plates the second we’re done eating, or if we’re not sitting in the proper place on the sofa… These, I think, are totally unreasonable things to get angry about. And when I say “get angry”, I’m seriously talking about screaming at us until she gets her way. I love my parents and I really appreciated them taking us in, but we’re not five years old. Then start acting like an adult and respect your parents while you are in their home! Suck it up and do the dishes without it being a big deal. Do you realize that it is YOU that sounds petty here?

Yes, my fiance has a temper, and I never said that what he did was in any way okay with me… It’s appauling. He knows I don’t agree with the way he acted, and it has hurt our relationship… but I also try to remind myself that when I agreed to marry him I didn’t make the decision lightly… I said yes because I love him… all of him - not just the parts that are easy to love.Perhaps you should apply your definition of love to your parents and stop merely using them until you decide to get married.

 

[Mea_Culpa]

Originally Posted by flee
Just to clarify a few things…

When I meant “private time”, I didn’t mean for sex, I just meant to watch a movie or play video games together or whatever else… It’s important that we do things as a couple, I think it brings us closer, without having parents (or even friends) getting in the way and being around ALL THE TIME. Excuse me, but you are living in their house…I’m 30 years old… I need some space.Then get a job and move out. Yes, you are 30 years old. You want to play house in your parents house and yet you want the benefits of having them support you while your fiance is a most ungracious house guest.You can’t have it both ways. Grow up, move out and get on with your life or live “by the rules” You are old enough to know that what you are doing is not fair or respectful to your parents. You are old enough to know that your parents are not goin to change for you. Either get married on your own, or don’t. I can understand your parents concern that you are living this way. I didn’t care if they were still in the house, I just didn’t want to be in the same room. After being forced to be so incredibly independent while living overseas,Then why don’t you become incredibly independent now? it was really hard to have people around me all the time. My parents would get angry if we didn’t want to watch TV with them all the time (because we didn’t like the shows) or go shopping or do whatever else with them as a family. We saw them constantly and did a lot of things together, but we needed time away from them too! Thing is, we had nowhere to go. If you can move back to Europe, you can move out of the house. You want the privacy that being married in your own house would bring, but that is not what your parents have to give you. You are being unreasonable and immature.It’s hard living away from your parents for years, and then moving back into their house and drastically altering your life.Do you not think you are having any affect on their life by the way?
And we’ve been together nine years because we started dating just as I was entering university (where I was for five years), and then we started to save our money and got engaged a year and a half ago. So there aren’t really any commitment issues here, just bad timing and trying to plan for our future. I’m okay with the length of time, that doesn’t bother me. I wasn’t ready to get married before - I wanted to establish myself independently first. I never had a chance to before then. And I wanted to make sure that he was the person I wanted to be with, which I now am certain that he is. Too many people rush into marriage. I don’t know many people who regretted waiting so long before getting married, but I know plenty of people who wished they HAD waited longer. Many of my friends are divorced and they’re my age.

We respected the “their house, their rules” idea, that’s fine. That was never a problem. But my mother is the type of person who gets angry at the smallest thing… then it’s not a rule… unless the rule is “my way or the highway”. And that is her right in her home.She gets angry when we don’t have the lights on bright enough, or if we don’t clear our plates the second we’re done eating, or if we’re not sitting in the proper place on the sofa… These, I think, are totally unreasonable things to get angry about. And when I say “get angry”, I’m seriously talking about screaming at us until she gets her way. I love my parents and I really appreciated them taking us in, but we’re not five years old. Then start acting like an adult and respect your parents while you are in their home! Suck it up and do the dishes without it being a big deal. Do you realize that it is YOU that sounds petty here?
Yes, my fiance has a temper, and I never said that what he did was in any way okay with me… It’s appauling. He knows I don’t agree with the way he acted, and it has hurt our relationship… but I also try to remind myself that when I agreed to marry him I didn’t make the decision lightly… I said yes because I love him… all of him - not just the parts that are easy to love.Perhaps you should apply your definition of love to your parents and stop merely using them until you decide to get married.

A voice of reason crying out in the wilderness. Don’t mess with an Italian (or Irish) mom in her own house. The fact that the OP is still with someone who yells at and curses her mother says a lot.

 

[sharmin]

A voice of reason crying out in the wilderness. Don’t mess with an Italian (or Irish) mom in her own house. The fact that the OP is still with someone who yells at and curses her mother says a lot.

He yelled and cursed at her AFTER she hit him!! I’m impressed that he restrained himself as much as he did!

 

[ryecroft]

A voice of reason crying out in the wilderness. Don’t mess with an Italian (or Irish) mom in her own house. The fact that the OP is still with someone who yells at and curses her mother says a lot.

It kind of amazes me that some of you just seem to gloss over the fact that it was the MOTHER who got violent with the fiance and not the fiance who was violent with the mother! And did you read where she spoke about how he (the fiance) went to the house and tried to apologize to the mother but she was too stubborn to come out and allow him to? To me, that’s extremely immature! The mother insisted they come to live at their home, yes they could have said no but I believe that they were trying to look out for their finances and long term goals. Some are making a big deal about her being 30- with college, grad school and internships, it’s no longer odd for a 28, 30 or even 33 year old to just be gettin out from all of college on their own depending on the field. And I think the p oster has made it abundantly clear that they were not “playing house” - it doesn’t seem like it was anything close to “playing house” - they were at her mother and father’s house, they were not sexually active and wern’t hardly able to have any dating or time alone just to talk or enjoy being in love. Just because a male and female (unrelated) are in the same house does not automatically mean they’re having sex (which she made clear they wern’t)-if anything it sounds like they were seperated quite a bit or around the mother and father more times than not. It really bugs me how just because some people make assumptions about other’s they feel it’s their right to call it “scandal”.
2284"Scandal is an attitude or behavior which leads another to do evil…Scandal is a grave offense if by deed or omission another is deliberately led into a grave offense." I don’t see how she was deliberately leading anyone into a “grave offense” - and I have no doubt that any of her friends that asked would have been told that they wern’t having sex (having been in a similar situation before my husband and I were married beleieve me, I had two people ask “how that was working” - they made an assumption that was irroneus but which we were able to dispel - some just assumed that being in my parents house we wern’t able to be together (in that sense)-but most knew us enough to know how we would act because of what we believe.
For the OP, I really hope things work out for you- but I believe one poster was right- once there is the pitter patter of little feet (if you guys do decide to have and are able to have children), suddenly some of this stuff will seem so unimportant!

God Bless
Rye

 

[Irishmom2]

I think that some posters are not reading what this said correctly.

Hi everyone,
My fiancé was sick of my mother barking orders at him and treating him like a 10-year-old, and he shot off at the mouth (he has a bad temper, same as her), swore and yelled at my mother, she slapped him across the face and he was kicked out of their house.If my daughter’s fiance swore and yelled at me, my daughter would have been the one slapping him in the face. Is this how you honor your mother and father? The wedding was called off because they couldn’t even stand to look at each other… For months after, my parents never failed to take every opportunity whenever they spoke to me to badmouth him, wishing we would break up, and telling me how much I’ve turned my back on my family and betrayed them for staying with him after he disrespected them. And they have a point. This was a serious offense. Sorry to say this, but he deserved the slap in the face. I hardly call a slap in the face this one time a pattern of violence either. My fiancé, insanely stubborn, didn’t even try to apologize until about two months later…And why did it take so long? but because it wasn’t the way my parents wanted, they didn’t accept it. (

 

[flee]

Look, I appreciate everyone’s responses… but I didn’t ask anyone to critique my morals or the wrongdoings of my fiance, my mother, or myself… or complain about my life choices. I was merely asking what people thought I should do now that I find myself in this situation. I’m at a loss. Two people I love very much can’t stand each other and aren’t talking, and it’s breaking my heart.

In answer to your questions/accusations, we waited so long to get married because we were both working on careers and wanted to save money first to buy a house and start a family. To some, that may sound like a cop-out, and you think it’s insane to be together that long without getting married, but if we plan on spending the rest of our lives together, then what’s the rush?? We lived apart (like, long-distance) for a lot of our relationship because of school, so it’s only been recently that we’ve even been living in the same town. It was my parents that insisted we live with them when we moved back home (I never asked, they brought it up. We even offered to pay rent, and they got angry because they wanted us to save money)… so yes, I was 30 and living back with my parents, but it’s not like it was because I wanted to mooch off them and not work… I got a job and was saving money to move out. It was always intended to be a temporary thing. I only lived there for a little less than six months, and then I got an apartment for about four months before deciding to leave Canada. And if you knew my parents, you’d know that they would’ve been happy for me to live at home until I got married, and even afterwards… My brother is almost my age and is also living at home. That’s just a cultural thing.

Aside from his temper and stubbornness, my fiance is a very caring man who loves me a lot, protects me, takes care of me (I have a lot of health problems and he’s always supported me physically and emotionally), and provides for me, and we always enjoy each other’s company. We’re best friends. Why wouldn’t I want to marry my best friend? If I got rid of every one in my life that made a mistake (even a big one) or acted in a way that I didn’t like, I’d have no one left. Not even my family. I don’t always like them either, but I still love them and I still want them in my life.
Yes, I agree that my fiance was disrespectful, and the way he behaved appalled me. I never said that I thought what he did was in any way okay. But I also think that my mother has been equally disrespectful, only she refuses to acknowledge it. At least my fiance is willing to try to start some kind of communication… but if it’s not on my mother’s terms, then she doesn’t want to hear it. Neither of them are really all that heartbroken about it, and they would both prefer little (or no) contact with each other, and they just refuse to let go, forgive, and get their lives back. Neither of them remember anything good about the other person (and they usually got along great before), and that makes me sick, because deep down I know they are both good people.
My fiance and I did go to counselling before we moved back overseas, and that helped us. I asked my mother to go with me a few times (without my fiance) and she refused because she “didn’t want to get blamed for everything,” even though the point was to work on our relationship. So I tried. She won’t talk to a priest or anything like that either, because she thinks she did nothing wrong and it’s all my fiance’s fault.

It’s hard enough having to deal with moving away from your family, and trying to be excited about being engaged and starting a family soon, when your own parents refuse to come to your wedding or support you (emotionally) in any way. Frankly, I think they’re all acting like children. It seems like my parents hatred for my fiance is stronger than their love for me. Because it seems to be the ruling factor is everything they do. And I’m really hurt that they refuse to attend their own daughter’s wedding because of something stupid that happened nine months ago. It baffles me that they continue to allow this incident and their resulting anger to completely control their lives - they won’t even say my fiance’s name when they talk to me or email me. They write M—. How mature. At least my fiance is trying to take steps to fix things (little by little), and my parents continue to drag this out and make it a bigger deal than it originally was. They’ve also turned my whole family against us, telling me they “can’t wait to tell everyone what he did”, and have convinced all their family members to take sides and also boycott my wedding out of spite.

So here’s the difference between them… my fiance made a mistake (which he acknowledges), and has been trying to fix things (even if it’s not the way my parents want or as fast as they wanted, but at least he’s tried). My parents, on the other hand, have also made mistakes (which they don’t acknowledge at all), but have deliberately been trying to make things worse to get back at him from crossing them and to punish me for “taking his side”. So who’s at fault? I think they both are.

Regardless, I just don’t know what to do. I don’t expect them to be best friends, but I wish they could at least be civil. Right now, though, that seems impossible. I don’t know how much longer I can take it without this completely destroying my relationships with all of them. The bitterness, resentment, hostility, and spite are really disgusting to me.
So how should I handle this? Please don’t tell me to break up with my fiance or cut my mother out of my life, because I really don’t want to do either of those things. I love them both with all my heart.
Or maybe there’s just not much I can do…

 

[Mea_Culpa]

He yelled and cursed at her AFTER she hit him!! I’m impressed that he restrained himself as much as he did!

Your reading skills are deficient. This is what she said:

My fiancé was sick of my mother barking orders at him and treating him like a 10-year-old, and he shot off at the mouth (he has a bad temper, same as her), swore and yelled at my mother, she slapped him across the face and he was kicked out of their house.

He’s lucky, with a husband and adult son in the house, that all he got was a slap in the face for yelling and swearing at the wife and mother (the matriarch) of the family (in her own house while living there for free). He was yelling and swearing at your mother because he was upset she was asking him to do things around the house. Does this sound like a good pick for a life partner and a father of your children? Someone who can’t control his temper? What happens when he gets upset with one of the kids?

You assume your family is being unreasonable and blowing this out of proportion - maybe you need to take a step back and try to look at it from their perspective. If he would treat your mother like that in her own home, how is he going to treat you and the future kids down the road?

 

[Sheeniac]

The fact that Mon refused to accept any apology, and then refused to accept one until it was in -person tells me a lot about Mom.

Everyone loses their temper at times - the situation is regrettable but understandable. He lost it, and then she lost it. I think they both need to realize that the other is in her life for good and get along. It sounds like fiance is trying to do that… Mom needs to man up.

If I were the fiance, I would probably be ticked off at the OP for not setting better boundaries.

 

[sharmin]

Your reading skills are deficient. This is what she said:

I apologize. I did misunderstand what she said. I wish you would have pointed it out to me in a bit more charitable way, though. Sometimes I forget I am on a Christian forum when people are so snippy with each other.